DaveM

You're in our hearts, Gin.

Thanks for your notes, Kay and AB3. Kay, my son is 30 but is disabled and lives with me. So I have about 27 1/2 years of his being a chore to wake (before that he never slept through the night until he was 2 1/2 years old. I was a zombie!).

I have long heard of people receiving signs from our lost loved ones from beyond, but had not really believed in them. I have to say I am re-thinking it. For over a week after Dana died, My phone would light up in the night. And I was hardly sleeping, so I noticed it a lot. Was not delivery of email or a text, because at first I checked. There was no sound alert, just the phone screen briefly lighting up, going off, then lighting again. Sometimes several times. That still happens occasionally, but for the first couple of weeks, it was a nightly thing. Dana would always startle when anyone woke her with a nudge or shake. Even a light touch on the shoulder would make her jump and her heart race. It always scared her. So I always called, waited for a reaction before I would reach out. And now this: My son is disabled and lives with me. He has always slept like a brick, and you couldn't wake him with one. But the last two times I have shaken his shoulder, he erupted from sleep, scared out of his wits, drawing back in a defensive position. He has NEVER been like this before.

Gwen and AB3, you are absolutely right. We are now in a world in which we observe and interact in a way, but now as outsiders. We look around and see happiness, joy and togetherness, and those things are foreign to us. Some of us have family and friends who want to be supportive, but they simply cannot get it. You can't walk a step, let alone a mile in our shoes unless you are in the same place. And it's not a place from which you can return. There are no do-overs, although I pray for one every day.

Scba, where I work the HR department puts out company-wide notices when someone there suffers a loss, be it direct family or as distant as grandmother-in-law. I told my supervisor and her boss about my loss, but told them absolutely not to broadcast it through HR. Grief needs to be shared when we can, but on our terms. Even at that, people I don't really know have approached me. I just say we'll talk another time. And then simply don't. My love story also will not be the subject of gossip, I am with you all the way. I may sign up for the interview, if they do relax the age range. I am 66.

Herc, it was actually Wrightsville Beach. Her favorite was the Outer Banks, but I talked her into Wrightsville because she was only here for a few days, and I didn't want to burn up the time driving the extra 5 hours or so (another one of those little things we now have guilt over). Just the same, as I said before, I know she was ecstatic to be in salt water and waves, so that is what is important. We went in mid-June, about the 20th or 21st for 2 days, so I will also be going back there about that time this year. I found a bi-plane ride place near there. Wish I had seen it last year. On her bucket list was to take a flight in a bi-plane, wearing a scarf to trail out behind her. I just ordered and received a purple scarf (her favorite color), and I will take that flight for her in June. I just wish I had found the place last year. One of her other bucket items was to take a ride in a hot-air balloon. I never had a bucket list, but do now... I inherited hers.

Gin, Even coming here and sharing with us the love you had with Al is honoring him. I really believe that.

Cookie, and I echo it. It's exhausting and there's not much any of us can do about it. But in this place we hold out a hand to each other, to steady, to help up. I am so grateful to have found this place where we can be here for one another.

Brother, you stated it exactly. As broken as my heart is, as searing as the pain, as hopeless as I am right now, I still had that taste of perfection, and oh what a joy it was to be with her. To know she loved me as much as I love her. To hear from her lips that she had never had or felt anything remotely like this before. She was already weak when she visited me last summer. I took her to the beach for the first time in many years for her. By the time we got out to about mid-way up our thighs, she could no longer stand against the waves, so she kneeled, sat and just bounced while I stood behind her, letting the water buffet her here and there, back against my legs. If you could have only seen the joy in her eyes and smiles and heard her laugh and hoot and holler. We were out there nearly an hour, and I exalted in her joy. She grew up in southern California, and was a surfer girl. If there is a heaven, I hope she is catching a wave right now. She had brought a small bottle with her (loved collecting old bottles), and filled it with North Carolina beach sand. To take back to Texas to hold onto a bit of the ocean. Tears are pouring right now, but I am smiling, too, for gratitude that I was able to give that to her. Thanks for your good words, Herc.

AB3, I think many of us here would echo your feelings on this. I know I do. I have stated it to a couple of friends, relatives and the counselor I started seeing a few weeks ago, and they immediately think suicide, but that's not the case. It is possibly part of the acceptance we all have to eventually get to, and for some of us, we see it as the eventual reunion we will have with our loved one that we are anticipating. Interestingly for me, a number of my other fears have lessened as well. I've already list the most important part of my life, so there's not much else to scare me with.

George, I have been mostly on a CPAP going on 10 years this fall. There are nights I just can't stand it and rip it off, but I try to use it most every night. I definitely wake better rested when I have slept in it. Having issues with the mask, and can't afford another right now, so just have to tough it out. After reading your post, I will try harder to deal. My Dana had chronic asthma all her life, and I am certain that was a big contributor to her sudden death. But she snored as often and as deeply as I do. And when with her I did notice she seemed to me to have Sleep Apnea symptoms. I discussed with her, but she would not even consider anything like a mask over her face, with her asthma. She was malnourished, had been through pneumonia the previous month, and other issues resulting from the fall and breaking her neck last summer. So the Pulmonary Hypertension that you describe could well have been the last straw. Of course, I will never know. All of us here have way more unanswered questions than answers.

We care, Buddy.

A local dear friend who has been extremely supportive sent this along a few minutes ago. It resonates throughout our new shared world.

Kay, thanks so much. You are right about the need to forgive, and I believe I will in time. But how much time, I don't know. Like you said, one foot in front of the other...

Gwen, Please know you're in our hearts. We care.

Thanks for your responses. It is good to have a place to vent without worrying about someone else's comfort level. None of us has real comfort now, and all long for those we've lost. Herc, the blame idea came at long last, after my ex has finally shut down the nasty texts, although she had to shoot two more to me after our son told her of my loss. She is easing back from the lawsuit now that I no longer have a purpose in life. As I thought through all that, i realized her purpose all along was to paralyze me. And it worked. I will not let go of that anger for a long time. Thanks for understanding the work angle. Some have questioned the wisdom of my not taking much time off, but what would I do otherwise? Marg, I have to tell you a salad story, too. One of the last things Dana said was how badly she wanted a salad. Had not had one in 6 months, and her craving was fierce. I have not been able to make or buy a salad since. I bought the fixins every week for about a month, then realized I could not make myself make one. If she had to do without, I will too, as long as I can hold out. If I go to my sister's and she makes one, I will be polite and take some, but it will be pushed aside. It is like the music we shared and loved together.I cannot listen to it right now, I just can't. I can listen to stuff she disliked, like heavy metal, but one can only stand so much of that at my advanced age. She didn't care for country, but for me there's too many sad songs getting air play right now. So mostly the radio is off. As far as her ashes, I have no rights in this. But I do have my memories, and I will do things to honor her as long as I live. She was an artist, writer, poet, editor and seamstress. Her signature symbol was a triangle variation. I had it tatooed onto my left arm about 3 weeks ago, my first tat ever. Also grew my first beard because she said she always wished for a bearded man. Fortunately she got to rub her cheek against it in November. Will keep it for good now. She also loved turtles and tortoises, so my second tat will be a tort. She had 2 small tatoos, one on her left wrist, the symbol, and one on her ankle. Martha Jane, Dana and I worked together for over 2 years, and near the end, began dating. We had been buds for months along with our work group, but that group gradually shrunk down to just the two of us. We realized all at once that we loved each other then. But I graduated college, and got a job offer in another state. She was just starting her Masters program, so we tried for a while, but distance and duty pushed us apart. We just reconnected last May after 32 years, and long, but failed marriages each. This renewal was amazing. We were both joyful for the first time in years. Each had gone thru bad divorces, and both of us had sworn off dating. But when we started talking, BAM, we were done for. Right back to the joy and excitement we shared so long ago. Both still had residual complications from the divorces, so it was going to take a while to get fully together. Now we never will. AB3, are you an Abbie? Doesn't matter, I have been pronouncing you as AbbieThree. Dana also had health issues, life-long often hospitaling asthma, When she was a little girl, she said whenever she spent the night at her grandparents' her grandmother would always sleep in the bedroom with her. The poor lady was afraid the child would die her her sleep. I have to hope and pray that Grandma was close by when Dana did finally do that. She had a bout with pneumonia in November, but had not told me. Her doc told the investigating officer who found her, and he shared that with me. With her weakness from malnutrition, I think she just gave out. And I wasn't there. Kills me. Thank you all for your kindnesses. I cannot express how much it means to me. I hope I can be a comfort to some of you at some point. And Marty, thanks again for working so tirelessly for us. Dave

Thank you, Marty. It does help to hear from others. And as bad as I feel, I see so many here who have it worse than I.

Kay, you are spot on! To the moon and back, and doing it together. Nothing could ever touch that feeling.

It has been 9 and a half weeks since Dana was found, so I know I am still in early stages. Every day is hard, but for me weekends are the worse. For those who don't know, Dana and I reconnected after 33 years last May. She lived in Texas and I am in North Carolina. We were working toward a time when I could move to Texas to be close by. We spoke every night during the week, but might talk two or three times on Saturday and Sunday. And we could go on and on. We had a seven and a half hour session once, and came close on other occasions. Both were divorced in 2015, me after 28 years, she after 25. I am fortunate (?) in that when I am at work, I have blinders on. I can mostly concentrate on work and duty, and not be in constant pain. On weekends, though, I have nothing. Oh, there's plenty that needs doing, but I cannot focus on it. All the could have/should have/would have things race around my head, and I can't get past them. When we re-connected, I started looking for work in her area, and had some great prospects. But life was complicated because my ex-wife for some reason became crazy when she learned I had found someone. We moved her in 2013 to Arizona for her health, she was there a year, then filed for divorce in 2014. There was no cheating (at least here), no fights, no particular catalyst. The filing simply said the basis was separation for more than 12 months, and the marriage was beyond repair. My ex has a history of cut-offs. She is estranged from her 37-year old daughter and 35-year old son from her first marriage, and from both full sisters and her mother. As far as I know she still is okay with her half-sister and she is good with our son. After hearing that I had actually found a chance for happiness again, she snapped, and is suing me for more support. She is also suing for half my Social Security, and for a chunk of the value of our former shared house. Unfortunately with the 2008-2009 housing crisis, our house dropped to way below what we owed, and the house is still upside down, 8 years later. i put the house on the market last year, but her attorney sent harsh email to the realtor, and she quit immediately. We have fought and haggled over EVERYTHING since July 9 of last year. Dealing with the law suit, and getting hundreds of hateful texts (I called them nasty-grams) distracted me. I put off moving to Texas until I could resolve things here. At about the same time, Dana took a fall, broke her neck and injured her mouth and jaw to the extent that she could not chew. So no solid food since last July. I went to Texas for a number of days, got her out of the hospital and settled back home, and arranged for Visiting Angels to have someone come and help her several days a week. Between the lawsuit, a demanding job and the whole financial picture, I didn't realize just how badly Dana's health was failing. She had some issues already, including a life-long battle with asthma. She was really sad for the holidays, as this would be her first time she would ever be away from her two sons at Thanksgiving and Christmas. She was not able to make a trip to New England to see them, and neither were able to go to Texas at this time. She was always fiercely independent, and refused to come to North Carolina, nor have me come there. She said she needed to work through it on her own. Some time between the last time I spoke with her just after midnight on December 17 she died in her sleep. She was not found until a local friend noticed mail and packages piling up on her porch and called the police on December 28. The friend called me after the police went in and found her. Last week her boys and her ex-husband held a memorial service for her. They were gracious enough to invite me to attend, so I flew up. It was as nice as these things can be, but I knew no one there. I had spoken with one of the boys twice by phone and the ex twice after she passed, but otherwise I was a complete outsider. The older boy (24) was particularly kind, and hugged me. I barely held it together, but was determined not to be an embarrassment. Back to the weekends. The down time is unbearable. My anger with myself for allowing my ex to distract me from the health of the most important woman of my life is eating me alive. Do I blame my ex for some of this? ABSOLUTELY. I have friends and the grief counselor telling me I can't blame her for Dana's death, but YES I CAN, and I DO!. Her suing me came out of spite and meanness. She no longer wanted me, but would not allow me to have someone else, either. So I am letting this house go. It is on the market, finally after the attorneys have worked some of this out, and now that I no longer have a lady friend. But I have made no house payment in 6 months. It is in foreclosure, and If the realtor cannot move it before the bank takes it back, so be it. Sorry for the rant. I can barely make it through Saturdays and Sundays. Who in the world longs for Monday? just me, I guess.

Marg, because I was not there, I have to hope she went as peacefully (seeming) as your Sis-in-law. The investigating officer that found her said she was on the floor with a blanket over her and her head on a pillow. He was more clinical, but said there was no sign that she was struggling or in distress. Her hands weren't clinched. So it appeared to him she just went to sleep and did not wake. She had back issues from time to time, so that is probably why she was on the floor. Because she had been gone probably over a week, a life-long history of asthma, recent pneumonia and malnutrition, there was no autopsy. But she had been in pain for 5 months, and could not eat solid food. If I could have been with her, maybe things could have been different (Oh how we all have a variation of this). I do know she would not have died alone.

Martha Jane, Let me echo iPraiseHim's statement. Your friend does not have the right to direct or even suggest your actions. Your daughter is right, do not act in a hurry to take on any other life-changing decision. It can wait. You will know when you need to take the next steps.

In some ways our situations are similar. I was just the boyfriend. Because she moved from the Northeast down to Texas after her divorce, she was not seeing her sons but just around the holidays. For health and financial reasons she could not make the trip north this year. She had told both sons and her ex about me, but of course, not much detail so far. We had only been back together (at a distance) for 6 months. As just a boyfriend (being 66, I am not happy with that term), I had no rights to decisions about her wishes, even though she had expressed exactly what she wanted in the event of her death. I have no standing socially or legally, although the police investigator did talk to me to a degree. This was because ours was the last phone call on her cell. And it lasted 2 and a half hours, so the policeman was willing to answer some questions. Still, I just feel like collateral damage. They had not scheduled a memorial service previously, but do have one scheduled next Sunday. I will be flying up there for it, but will know nobody there. Her one recent friend that I have met will not be able to make it. So I will be standing back, observing but getting no comfort. I really feel for your pain, Dear (hope you don't mind, Numb is so impersonal). We all are mourning alone, when you get right down to it. I don't think your memories will go away. I remember things about Dana from 33 and 34 years ago, when I first knew her.

Marg, I think that is how I survived my younger son being killed by a car in 1999. I still had an 11-year-old to take care of, and a wife who was disabled. Scar tissue built up around that wound, but unfortunately scarring is not always healing. It covers, somewhat protects, but does not heal. The marriage, already not good, limped along another 14 years, but was done for. The only thing that kept me in it were the vows. But our remaining son, we had to be there for him. So grieving like we are doing here was scarred over. Now I am doubly grieving, crying over my son as well as the love of my life. This time there is no one else to take care of. And I don't know how to take care of me. Thank you all for being here. I am so sorry any of us have to be here, but knowing I am not alone on this terrible journey somehow helps.

George, With your getting ready to fly, I want to pass along a flight meaning for me, as well. When Dana and I reconnected last May, she talked about her bucket list. It was rather lengthy, and I'm sorry to say we only whittled away a couple of them. She wanted to ride horseback, so I arranged 2 days' lessons when she came to visit me. She lived in central Texas and wanted to go to a real beach again. So we went to Wrightsville Beach and Atlantic Beach. Wanted to take her to the Outer Banks, but we ran out of time. So here is the flight meaning. She REALLY, REALLY wanted to fly in a bi-plane and have a long scarf around her neck to blow in the wind. After reading your goals and progress, it hit me! I just found a place near Carolina Beach that takes people up, so I have decided to find a long scarf, and take the flight for her. So thanks for that bit of inspiration. And no, I didn't have a bucket list. But I do now.

Now, Marg, I voted for Nixon, too. But I did know who POTUS was... and yet the word salad being a psychiatric term, well, that surprised me. And now I am WAY off topic. 8^) But back to your point, Marg (one of them, anyway). This place IS a life-saver. I would not have gone to counseling, bad experience in the past. But several folks here have discussed it, some have gone, some have had a really hard time starting it up. So I finally made an appointment and started last week. While I was miserable, the lady was good, guided me into talking into it, and I am looking forward to a second visit Friday. So thank you, Darrel, and Marg and Marty and so many others. This load shared is somehow lightened.