DaveM

George, that has to be a very special memory! And here I thought my and Dana's 7 1/2 hour phone call was long! We started after 9pm and went until after 4:30, but that does not hold a candle to your record. I just wish I had taken more notes during our calls. I often wrote down favorite authors, quotes from her family or other snippets like that, but much of what we talked about is fading. I have a notes file on my home and work computers, and add anything that comes to mind, but I wish so much I had more. Thanks for sharing.

Adele, Four months for me, too (Dec 28). I live in NC, and only last night I realized the oak, maple and crabapple trees in my front yard had leafed up. I had similar thoughts. When I connected with my beloved last May 5 after 32 years, I was walking in the same front yard and enjoying the new foliage. Now it's just background noise. And yes, I feel insulted too. My heart aches for you and your daughter. She's right about everyone else seeming to forget and move on. Please let her know that there are those who know, and who share the same pain. Maybe you can find a similar grief share for young people. I know that Marty and the group here have really helped me.

I have an anniversary of sorts coming up as well. I had been searching for Dana for several days before, but on May 6, 2016 I received an answer -- I had found her on Linked In and sent a message the day before. From that sprang a love rekindled after 32 years. Both of us had moved on, married, had two boys each, and both had divorced by our spouses in 2015. We were drawn back to each other like moths to a candle. And in December she was gone. We never had a first anniversary of anything. I will go through the first anniversary of our re-connection, the first anniversary of her one visit to see me, The first anniversary of my frantic drive to Texas when I learned she had fallen and broken her neck. The anniversary of my trip to see her again for her birthday in November. My first anniversary of her birthday itself. December 18, the last time we ever spoke. and then the first anniversary of learning of her death.

Maynard, go ahead. We can take it! Seriously, most folks simply do not have a clue. There's no way for anyone to ever "get" it without going through it. And we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

Gin, while I am astounded that someone could say that to you on some level, I realize that some people have never truly loved. Their own losses are inconveniences, nothing more. I worked with a woman who has just left my company, but less than a week after Dana died, she was all over me about some project I was helping her with. I explained I simply could not handle it at the time, I needed a few days. She asked, "Oh, you're still grieving?" I was flabbergasted. If she had been a man, I might have taken Marg's suggestion above, but I mostly sputtered and fumed. And in hindsight, I must've cussed her pretty good in all my sputtering, as one of the things she said before leaving the company was "I sure don't want to be fussed at again by David." So...

Kay, Yes, I felt a certain kinship with Finch and Numb and Lost. I was a little bit "luckier" is all. On the other hand, I know I loved her (still do), and know to the depths of my soul that she loved me. And as you said, no one can take that.

Marg and Gin, My problem is just about the opposite. Dana and I were a couple 33 years ago for about 6-8 months after being friends for a few years at work. But I took a job in another state, and she started her Master's program, so we were separated by hundreds of miles. We did visit back and forth for some months, but finally went separate ways to raise separate families. We reconnected last May, but still at a distance, she was in Texas and I am in NC. Both of us were divorced in 2015, but again, only just reconnected. She had moved to TX from Connecticut, where her ex-husband and 2 sons still live. When she died in December, we had not yet made anything official. So I have no standing, legally speaking, and thus have no rights to anything she left behind. We had of course exchanged a couple of gifts, so I did have a few reminders, but nothing that was HERS. Her ex-husband and sons, who never set foot in her Texas home, just went down 3 weeks ago to start settling the estate, and will be selling the house, her car and (to me) dumping all her belongings. Me, I was only there a few weeks on a couple of visits, but I learned that house because I made some fairly extensive needed repairs for her during my visits. We were going to eventually be together there. I had shipped a number of tools down there, and bought more for the house locally, but will not be going after them or fighting over them. Very fortunately for me, her life-long best friend lives nearby down there. She was the one who had to notify her boys and ex of Dana's death. And she had been maintaining the home for the past 4 months. I say fortunately because she took pity's sake on me, and 2 weeks ago sent me some of Dana's water color paintings, some poetry, a play and a number of short written pieces Dana had left behind. She also found and included a ring (very silly, but I will save that for another time) I had given her, plus a pin/brooch I had given her for her birthday last November. Most importantly, she pulled all the hair from Dana's brushes, placed it in an envelope and included that as well. I had asked for some of her ashes, but was refused (and believe me, I do understand that). So to me this hair is the very essence of her. Even better than her ashes, because it is a nice handful, and I can take it out of the envelope and press it against my cheek, my lips and hold it against my heart for a moment. I put some of the hair in a pendant and wear it every day. I put more in a slightly larger pendant, and will be adding some of my own from my next haircut. Plus some of my beard when I trim it next. Why some beard? When Dana visited me the first time we saw each other again last June, I apologized for having a scratchy face the morning of the second day she was here. She said, "Oh no, I love it. I always wished my husband, and a couple of the fellows I dated before him had beards, but no one ever grew one for me." I smiled and said, "Well, you're not going to be able to say exactly that ever again," and I haven't shaved since. I am 67 soon, and never ever grew a beard in my life. Now I can't say that again, either! I will be telling my son to bury the pendants and a couple of her things with me. If I am actually buried. A long time ago I was going to donate my body to science, so I may go back to that. If so, I still have a plot next to my youngest son, who died 17 1/2 years ago, so I will ask my son to bury my ashes there, next to him, and include the lockets. See, Marg, I can whip up a pretty good word salad of my own.

Darrel, it is good to know you are back. We did miss you, and I have to tell you more than one of us posted " One foot in front of the other... " again and again. I had similar issues with Social Security last year because I earned too much the previous year. Burned me badly. I hope your luck there has improved. One thing I can tell you is that the folks in the smaller town SS offices are a lot more personable and thorough than those in the larger city offices. I had trouble in Raleigh, NC and in Fayetteville, but in Smithfield, NC those folks know how to take care of business.

Maynard, if you want this deleted, maybe Marty can help. Please don't be concerned with anyone relating to shared thoughts. We are all different, but we do share the fact that the worst thing possible has happened to each one of us. By the way, I still use Jeepers myself. ;^)

Marg, Dana was among other things, a college professor at one time, teaching American Lit. She read and read and read. As did I. And we had some spirited debate over Kindle vs. real books. She was okay with television news, but preferred holding a book or newspaper over any electronic device. Don't get me wrong, she was plenty computer savvy. She was also a tech writer, editor and poet. She had the most lovely handwriting until the last few years. But we did differ over my Kindle vs. turning pages. I did not pick it up when I was with her. Like you and many of the others, I am not in a way that I can read, watch TV, or anything like that from before yet. I was asked about 2 months after she died to read/edit a book by the husband of a mutual friend to both of us. Of course I agreed, but I have let him down. It took me 6 weeks to get through that book, and I've done him an injustice because I cannot bring myself to make suggestions. He went ahead and it is published now. He had sent me a proof copy, but I also bought it on Amazon to support him in that way. Gave it a favorable review, but my heart is just not in reading yet. On the other hand, after learning about your Billy's favorite, CJ Box, I decided to download and try the first book in his Joe Pickett series. I will start it when I can.

Hi Kay, thanks for the well wishes. It went okay, mostly because the judge was held up over a half hour past our scheduled start time, and both my attorney and hers must have had other things coming up that they were going to be late for. Because they motioned and seconded and agreed to setting the whole thing inactive for 60 days in record time. Neither I nor the ex said a word other than to speak our names for the record. Now I have 60 days to dread the next phase, but that won't really bother me until a couple weeks before. Cookie, sorry to hijack your topic a bit, guilt can come in many flavors. Dave

Monday, the 17th is probably the 4-month mark since Dana died. I say "probably" because she was gone several days before she was found, but her last phone conversation was with me on the 16th. She called me about 10pm and we talked until more than half-past midnight. She made no more calls, nor answered any after that. Well, Monday night I had a semi-waking dream or vision in which she was walking up to me. She stopped about 6 feet away and smiled the biggest, best smile I can remember he making. The smile I had been receiving whenever I saw her since we got together last year. It is the first dream I have had of her since she passed. As badly as I am grieving, I was happy all day Tuesday with the memory of that vision. I am smiling right now thinking about it. My first real smiles in 4 months.

Nightwinds, of course you're lost. Believe me, we all are. And it sure does not sound crazy to me. I also was a voracious reader, and I loved music. That is something we shared and discussed every day, so I can hardly abide music stations or TV or reading for any length of time since she died. Every song I hear, every page I read makes me sad. I can barely stand to read even the news (we met many years ago when we worked for the same newspaper). Just realize that you can express yourself here. With whatever is on your mind. Unfortunately this is a burden we are all too familiar with. We care.

Mike's Girl, I sort of see this from your stepdaughter's side -- sort of. Please bear with me here. You see, I was Dana's boyfriend. We were a couple 33 and 34 years ago, but because of job and school and youth, we parted ways and had separate lives in states far apart, separate marriages and families. But both of those marriages ended in divorce in 2015, Last May we reconnected, and immediately fell in love again. But due to already-existing health issues coupled with long-term injuries from a fall last summer, I lost Dana at Christmastime. There were too many complications for us to have married yet, so I was left as an outsider -- essentially a non-entity. I had no say in the memorial or funeral arrangements, no say about her ashes and no rights whatsoever. Yet I know both from talks in the past year, and from things Dana said over 30 years ago, she wanted her ashes spread in the Pacific Ocean. She grew up in southern California, and was a surfer girl. Her ex-husband and two sons, as is their right, handled everything. Although the elder son has been especially understanding and good to me, they will retain all her ashes. They indicate the boys will spread them in the Pacific themselves. I asked for a small portion, a handful, even a thimble-full, but will not get them. At least at this point. And you know, they are totally within their rights to keep their Mother's ashes until they can all be spread at once, if that's what they prefer. Fortunately her best friend has been helping the boys and their Dad, cleaning her house, organizing her things, helping them deal. She has been a Godsend to them and to me. So here's what she did for me. For one thing, she has been able to send me some of Dana's poems, writings, paintings and drawings. Those are a big comfort, but she also pulled all the hair from Dana's brushes, and put it in an envelope and mailed it to me. Dana's essence is not just in her ashes, but in her works, and just as much in her hair as her ashes. You may be able to do that for your stepdaughter (if Mike had hair and wasn't bald or head-shaven like a lot of men). I just received the envelope two weeks ago, and I have bought two lockets to place some of the hair in, and keep. The rest I will take to the Pacific in August, and spread it in the ocean. I don't know if this will help you at all, but perhaps it can. And Marty's advice to consult with a trusted relative, friend or clergy is spot-on. And maybe you can think of a small portion of his ashes as being like a lock of his hair. Some of which you could even place in a locket for yourself. I have been wearing one of my lockets every day since I got them. It's right over my heart. In any event, it's your decision. If nothing else, ask her to give you some time. Please know we here share your pain.

Kay, We are with you and your daughter in spirit and prayer. I am not very good at it, but I will offer up what I can. I have been seeing a counselor for about 7 weeks now, and although she puts the most awkward words together, her prayers are so heartfelt, I always leave better than I arrived. We are with you.

Autumn, I understand exactly. My sister had invited me over for a family thing. Which I accepted, but did not want to attend. She just notified us that my brother-in-law had a bug, and they are cancelling. I am certainly not glad he doesn't feel well, but I am relieved not to have to go put on a happy face today. If it had not been my Sis, I would have fibbed too.

Kay, I am really, really, sorry for what you and everyone else is going through with the holiday, and holidays in general. My toughest times will be May 6 (the day we reconnected after 32 years apart), the week of June 14-22 (when she came and spent the week with me), July 8 (the anniversary of when she fell and broke her neck and injured her mouth and jaw, rendering her unable to eat solid food and starting her toward her eventual death) and November 8, her birthday. Please know that I am thinking of you and everyone else on here today, and what you must be enduring.

Ana, Please know that the folks here care for you and share your misery. There has been and is no pain like this. We can't lessen it, but we share it. Dave

Gin, I never had an Easter with Dana. We came back together last May, and she was gone by mid-December. But hearing of Al's fun with colored eggs reminded me of how I would "hide" eggs for my two boys. When the weather was bad, and we had to hide inside, I would put them at odd places -- taped to their bathroom mirror, taped to their toothbrushes, on top of door knobs, in the mouths of horse-head book ends, etc. They would giggle and laugh, and I was delighted at their fun.

Thanks, Kay and Cookie. The guilt edge has been sharp this week probably because I have a court hearing coming up in AZ on Tuesday. I can represent by phone, but thus far the results have been not the greatest for me. Kay, I have seen the references from Marty, and you have suggested some in this thread. I will make a point of visiting them this weekend.

Cookie, I have visited and re-visited this thread. I too assume much guilt -- for Dana's death and the length of time before she was found. I originally started trying to move from NC to Texas last June. I set up job searches in the area, and began planning for a move. My ex learned of her (we had already been apart 3 years by then, and divorced for the 3rd year), and went into a rage. She basically re-sued for changes in the divorce settlement, intending among other things to garnish half my Social Security (she is already receiving 44% of my salary). I should have let that play out and continued with my plans, but instead let it distract and misdirect me. I spent the next several months dealing with court instead of what should have been our future. In the meantime Dana suffered a broken neck and face, jaw and mouth injuries from a fall, and the result was she could no longer eat solid food. Had to drink Ensure and the like. I did go to her for a couple of weeks, and arranged for Visiting Angels to help her. I sent her a juicer and various health drinks & tonics, but focused on my legal woes more than her. I let it escape me how badly her health was failing. She had become Karen Carpenter thin. She also had life-long asthma, for which she was hospitalized on a regular basis. She didn't tell me, but I learned after her death that she had a bout with pneumonia a couple of weeks before her death. I realize that even if I had been able to move to Texas, she still could have died. But maybe not. And not alone. And she certainly would not have laid on the floor for 11 days before being found. So my guilt arises out of allowing myself to be distracted to the point of not realizing how badly things were going for Dana. I knew it was bad, but thought it manageable until we could finally be together. I simply cannot let go of that. Hating myself for my denseness, my stupidity. EXTREMELY resentful of my ex-wife for putting me in this situation.

Yes, nights and weekends. I actually dread weekends now. My company has the upcoming Good Friday holiday, and for my part, I wish we didn't. I last spoke to Dana on a Friday night, and then she was gone. I can immerse myself in work, but around here the house may as well be coming down around me. I just can't get motivated. Thank goodness we have this place to come to.

A role is really another way to "mask." Dana was an artist, writer, poet, editor, college instructor and more. Like me, she was introverted as could be, but she learned to adopt the proper persona depending upon the role. I wear a mask at work every day. I can answer "fine," when greeted and asked how I am. I can smile at stories or jokes, carry on "normal" conversations with those who do not know my story, and carry on as though all is well. But here I can share my heart. Here I can talk to those who have been in this state longer, and who can and have guided me with their own experiences. NATS, thank you for the poem.

Mike's Girl. Our hearts are with you. Please share whatever you feel the need to here. I am very new as well, at 3 months, and consider the folks here as life savers.

Thanks, Kay. Rainbows mean a lot to me anyway.