TomPB

I'm visiting an old friend for a few days as part of my attempt to do something new with my life. He lost his wife abt 2 yrs ago so we have that in common. I find myself longing to be home as if I'd be back with Susan even though she is gone and I only have the empty home. Strange - but so is everything.

I gave away a lot and threw out a lot but our home is still packed with things of Susan's. Just keeping clothes I gave her, or with turtles, or from special vacations or with special memories, her sailing gear...is a lot. Everything on our walls, pictures and paintings of our beach vacations, our wedding presents, our plants, her gardening tools, her cookie making things. I still have the same pillows on her side of the bed as on the day she died. We did two major renovations and every appliance, floor plan, ceramic tile, counter top etc is in large part her idea. I can't look at the kitchen counter without thinking of how happy she was with her final choice. Then we got a LOT when they sold her parents' home. The chandelier in the dining room that she so carefully had shipped. Rugs, furniture, pictures. I have a lot of her baby pictures. The curtains in the bedroom are from her college dorm. I could go on...

I don't know, Kay. Having OK moments followed by grief attacks, over something specific like finding a bag full of things from our very last sailing cruise or at random, is not a happy way to live.

After practice this morning I told my grieving swimmer friend (lost husband 4 ms ago) that working on Susan's deck was giving me grief attacks and she said I shouldn't do it alone. Why didn't I figure that out myself? Duh! I'm travelling next week so I'll get a friend to help when I come back. She had told me about another woman she knew who was grieving and that person came by. Both have golden retrievers and said I had to get one. She is extremely sad after 2 1/2 years and said only "Leo" had kept her alive. I'm sorry for her but always looking for more people to connect with. If I can help other grievers at least that's somethiing positive and of course sharing helps me. We had a mini grief group. Then I got out a bag of Susan's to take on my trip. It was full of her things from our last sailing cruise, our favorite activity. I put some away and threw some out. That always feels like throwing out part of myself. Another grief attack. Endless.

Yes I will grieve forever and nothing will replace Susan Everyone tells me a new life will be “different”. They love that word. I know what they’re saying but to me it’s become code for “not as good”. I will never again experience being loved by an angel like Susan I don’t need a specific trigger for that thought to hit it comes anytime, like this morning

Yes everything is two sided. Goes to the question of stay or move. I can't imagine leaving the home we shared, but having a memory in every square inch, and in every brick on the street too, is not all good for my state of mind. My counselor says just don't say "no, never" re the possibility of ever being happy again. Consider that it might be possible, even the I think it is so unlikely. Maybe.

Another beautiful pic Linda. Susan talked about coming to a swim meet but I always said it would be lots of sitting around before a very short sprint and wasn't worth it. Now I guess it would have been nice. Talked with grief counselor yesterday. She said if joy is impossible I could seek "satisfying moments" and I said maybe I have some of them, when I'm into the moment. Today I cleaned up our little deck where Susan was so happy doing her urban gardening. It's a beautiful day but it was just painful and not "satisfying" at all. All I could think of was how carefully she organized everything and how much I miss her.

I had the same thoughts, tho I would have replaced a "y" with an "e"

Love Sandra's pic. It's Marathon Monday in Boston, a day we always spent together. On a cool wet one like today a lot of snuggling would have been involved. Had swim practice this AM but gonna be a lonely afternoon.

Elizabeth, sorry you've joined this club but you've found a good place with people who actually understand what it means to lose a soulmate. I've just started year 2. What keeps me breathing is friends and family and a wonderful counselor and the idea that I should honor Susan and pass along the love she gave me, and a few other things like swimming, music etc. I have OK periods but then there's always another grief attack. What was best is now worst so a cool cloudy Sunday when it would be perfect to hibernate with Susan is making me very lonely right now. Best wishes and welcome TomPB

Another great pic, Linda. OK, here's us being very happy at the end of a wonderful cruise...and I'm supposed to live without this now.

Exactly. Even losing a loved one who is not a soulmate, IMO, gives no idea. Sometimes I think we need a group home.

Sandra, very happy to hear your informed thoughts on this, hope to hear more.

Thanks Marty, very interesting. I mostly find Buddhism appealing, tho I'm a total beginner. However, I do know that one basic principle is "The origin of suffering is attachment.", and I have no desire or plan to lose my attachment to Susan. So, a little conflicted there.

Sandra, Here's more about the message http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/10938-real-or-what/?tab=comments#comment-138736 And here's the falcon that boarded our boat on my first sail without Susan - never even had a seagull do this before in 30 yrs of sailing http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/10742-just-lost/?tab=comments#comment-135485 Odd for a skeptical scientist to be talking about such things, but my counselor says I've been "cracked open" & maybe I have. I do this meditation almost every night. https://chopra.com/articles/healing-after-loss-meditation-for-grieving#sm.0000047xu1ty2ne7qt05yttymu676 Seems very non-Buddhist to me since I think it promotes attachment to Susan, but it's what I need. Susan passed on 3/31/17 in 10-15 min with no warning of a life threatening condition. So I'm just into year 2, very hard too believe. Best wishes and sorry you had to join this club TomPB

Same for me. It helps when I can believe that Susan is really here as a spirit, not just in my memory. I've had some signs, but most recently my sister was talking to a psychic who didn't know us and with no prompting got a message to me from Susan saying she is always with me, is worried about me, and is waiting for me. That changed my thinking! Meditation is an important part of how I try to survive grief world. Best wishes.

When Susan and I were growing more and more connected over 48 years I never once had the thought that living without her was simultaneously becoming more impossible. We said "couldn't live without you" countless times without ever thinking one of us would face that real situation. "Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch" - a truer line was never written. Just saw on twitter "They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together. Rather they alone are called husband and wife, who have one soul in two bodies." That's what Tom&Susan were/was.

What a beautiful picture! ❤️🐼

Now that the 1 yr Memorial is over, I've fallen into a very low state. The Memorial was beautiful, better than my fondest hopes. People said one beautiful thing after another about Susan, we finished with a really nice meal and conversation, and Sat night I went to Symphony with a friend. ("Tristran and Isolde"; hearing lovers singing about being together forever in death maybe not best timing. I said let's rename it to "Tom and Susan"). This was a labor of love, I did it for Susan, and I know it was a good thing to do and that she appreciated it. Starting Sun, however, hearing so much about Susan's wonderfullness just ramped up the pain of loss and the feeling that I didn't appreciate her enough. The 2-sided nature of every memory is not new, in fact it's the new normal, but the Memorial put it on steroids. Tough week so far and ultra tired.

Linda, totally relate. I'm apparently in good health, tho who knows what might be unseen. I swim on a masters team and am faster in sprints than a lot of much younger members - been a sprinter since high school. Swimming is one of the things that helps me "survive in this so called world" and my teammates and coaches have supported me amazingly. One of my best friends now is another swimmer who recently lost her husband. Before the world ended, if I had a health scare, my #1 fear was that I didn't want my time with Susan cut short. Now that's not a factor, Susan said she'd be waiting for me, so bring it on! However I'm a creature of habit and keep up my preventative care appointments, even tho your approach makes sense to me.

I forget a lot of little things. Forget to lock. Left phone at friends - NEVER seperated from phone. Last night was telling a friend about Susan's scientific career and couldn't remember the name of the drug she developed. Starting conversations with "Stop me if I already told you this". Putting meetings on my calendar when I used to be sure I'd remember. The currents are running fast under the surface.

Thanks Marty and Kay. Susan saw most things very clearly, but I think she was delusional about me. I agree that passing on her love is what I'm called to do, even tho I don't see another point to the rest of my life. To end the day I went with a bereaved friend to hear Tristan and Isolde at the symphony. What timing, to hear lovers singing about being together forever in death, but it was good nonetheless. Friend, who is working on her husband's Memorial I moved the service from 3/31 to 4/7 so people who had Easter/Passover commitments could come. Now I've learned that 4/7 was the last day of Passover and the day for honoring the departed! How's that for a "coincidence"?

Thanks Marty. Now it's done and as good as could be. All but one who said they wd come did. Everyone said how wonderful and sweet and helpful Susan was, and how she loved me so much. An extremely diverse group with some remembering her from the 80s and some who didn't know her at all. Emily made Susan's chocolate chip cookies to perfection. Lots of love but also then the feeling of the hugeness of the loss and how I didn't fully appreciate what I had. I was often less aware of her wonderfulness than her friends & siblings were. That's the same double edged nature of every memory I have. So, very good. Now I have to live year 2 without my Susan. For some unexplicable reason this spectacular woman thought I was the greatest and worthy of her unconditional love. Makes no sense, but it's a fact. This Memorial was a labor of love for her but is also supposed to help me. Can I ever be content without her?

Moved up from 3/31 due to holiday conflicts. Ready for 20-25 people in our home, been setting out more pictures etc, putting things back after recent construction project, getting ready in lots of little ways that has been hard work! I think the place looks great. It is a "labor of love" all dedicated to my Treasure and I get a good feeling and then it hits me that I'm doing it because she's GONE and I have violent grief attacks. Two friends who couldn't come sent me things to read and no idea how I'll get through that. It really does feel like the Anniversary is now instead of 3/31 and Ive been more tired than I can ever remember but OK today.

People tell me it's good that I'm "feeling my feelings" and I tell them that, for me, it's not a choice. We talk about how I feel the pain of loss more than the joy of my memories of Susan and I have to explain, no, I'm not choosing to focus on the loss, it's what my mind does. Geez!