TomPB

I do the 6 part meditation almost every night. I think it helps but even doing it just before going to sleep has not brought me loving dreams of Susan. https://chopra.com/articles/healing-after-loss-meditation-for-grieving#sm.0000047xu1ty2ne7qt05yttymu676

Thanks Janka. I totally relate to your grief, as it sounds like my own ❤️🐼

Janka, those are beautiful. Was gonna send you a Crete photo but they seem to be messed up will try my other computer. The panda is the sad panda, expressing how I feel about losing my other half.

Janka, totally relate. We didn't get to Capri but had wonderful visits to Corsica and Crete, as well as our many Caribbean trips. On Corsica the young Susan danced in a production at the resort, dressed in a white ballet outfit on a beautiful night. It was magic and of course has me crying now. They tell me I'll be able to enjoy those memories some day without being grabbed first by the pain of the loss but I'm not there yet

I look for Susan's spirit and I complain to her for not contacting me enough. She says it isn't easy. Here's what I posted previously http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/10742-just-lost/?tab=comments#comment-135485 Again, in 30 yrs sailing in Boston I NEVER had a bird land on the spreader while under power before, to say nothing of having a beautiful falcon vs a seagull. Susan was the plant expert. I've been watering and trimming. Had no idea what to expect of an Amaryllis which was all leaves. Now it has sent up a shoot which I think will flower. Will it be in flower on 3/31 the 1 yr anniversary? I'll take that as a message.

Susan loved to see spring coming and would be planning her urban gardening. She'd notice every flower pushing up shoots and point it out to me. She'd imitate the bird calls (yes, even in Boston). I liked it too....now it's ashes.

I'm the one with the crazy ideas and obsessions, Susan was there to say NO. I'm the worrier, Susan didn't worry and would tell me "Don't worry about it", "It's not the end of the world", and "But you have ME". Just missing that makes life a lot harder. I don't have religious faith but practice the spirituality of AA and am an amateur Buddhist and meditate a lot. I've avoided therapy most of my life but my current grief counselor is one of my main supports. She belongs to our club, having lost her husband to cancer and 3 ms later her daughter died of an overdose - and 17 yrs later she says she is happy, which is proof survival is possible. She is also in AA and we talk about applying the 12 steps to grief. I would not get as much from her without those connections. Purpose? The only clear purpose I have is to make sure Susan is remembered and to pass her love along. For me myself, not so much. The days are brighter and longer. Susan loved to see Spring coming. She'd spot every flower poking up and begin to plan her urban gardening. I enjoyed it too, esp after a Boston winter. Now it just means the coming of 3/31 and her leaving this world. Don't know if I can enjoy it anymore. Susan was the plant expert. I've watered and pruned her plants but that's it. I've been watering two Amaryllis with no idea what to expect. Now one has sent up a shoot with a bud! I would take it as a sign if it had a flower on 3/31.

This will be my first time in 48 yrs filing Tax as "single". Dreading it. Even online check in to airline for me and not for me and Susan hurt. Yes, I grieved my parents intensely, but their loss didn't change my life like this.

Many people text me using voice recognition. In part it's because everyone seems to communicate from their cars. If I miss a call from my brother and call back after he's got to where he's driving he doesn't answer. So I'm very used to incomprehensible and/or funny texts. Another texting gremlin is autocorrect. The name of my friend Mara becomes Mars if I'm not careful, etc.

A little example from today. I had a comprehensive eye exam and everything was as good as it could possibly be, for a guy with a +11 prescription LOL. A year ago that would be something to share and be happy about with Susan. She'd smile and say that's good news, 🐼. Now it doesn’t seem to matter as much. Who cares?

Mitch, we understand each other perfectly, it's just a matter of language. A friend once said re the end of his drinking "I was alive, but there was nothing of life left in me". That's how I feel a lot of the time. Not always, there are some moments, but a lot.

Exactly. I know I can't understand others' grief if I haven't been in their shoes, but that said, I have zero understanding of how loss of the person I slept with every night, made coffee for every morning, discussed our day & life and everything with every day, went to for comfort, came to me for comfort, gave me the great feeling of belonging to a special partnership, brightened every day with her radiant smile, texted constantly, joked with constantly, was my perfect sailing partner, was my perfect crossword partner, remembered our whole history together....and all the things above...and so much more I could write....is not worse than the loss of someone with a less intimate connection. For example, someone who is really close to a parent might call them every day and have dinner once a week. That is zero on the scale of my intimacy with Susan, so how could the loss compare?

Mitch. I hear you and share the feelings. This is my 1 yr anniversary month. On 3/1 we left for a wonderful camping trip in the Virgin I. Susan had the cough that it seems was a warning, but we never had a thought that she had a life threatening condition. Actually the cough was not as bad in the Caribbean sun so I thought that meant it was weather related. Today we returned to Boston, and on 3/31 she died. She was to the doctor twice about the cough, which got worse. First tme they said she probably did not have pneumonia, second time, morning of 3/31, they said she might have pneumonia and prescribed an antibiotic which I brought home. She died over 10-15 min while I was in another room downloading a book. 48 years of unconditional love and we didn't get to say goodbye and I couldn't thank her. Nobody now to tell me "don't worry about it" when things bother me. Nobody to call me 🐼. I know the infinitely well organized Susan would not have wanted to die in the bathtub. She would have invited all her siblings, friends, and family for goodbyes. She would have given me instructions for how to live the rest of my life and what to do with our posessiona and money. I was going to have a 1 yr memorial on the actual day 3/31, but since it's holidays I was getting a lot of Nos. So I've moved it to to 4/7. That leaves me with the need to make a plan to get through 3/31. Everyone tells me I'm doing what I need to do, but the way I see it now is I'm living a fake life. My real life was with Susan. Or sometimes I think of myself as a ghost silently moving around the real people. Will real life v2 emerge? No idea.

Darrel, I want so much to believe we'll be together again, but I'm not sure...

Pat, my experience: even sooner than you, probably 4-5 ms, I hired a person to help me with Susan's clothes, donating them to a few shelters etc. She went through them and bagged them very efficiently but I was there to say save anything with a special memory, like being a gift from me, something from a special vacation, something with turtles on it, something from her ballet dancing days, etc. Result is I got rid of most of them but STILL have enough to be bombarded by memories if I go into the closet. Don't know what I will do with the "special" items. Wore her bathrobe some. Of course I anticipated that going through the clothes would be horrible. I cried some but got through it OK. THEN after it was all done and my helper had left I had a major grief attack. That was last summer so we didn't touch the winter coats, and I recently gave them to a women's community center, Rosie's place. I didn't want to anonymously give these beautiful coats, including gifts from me, away. I wanted it known they were from my Susan. So I had a friend who knew the staff help me. It was as good as it could be, she went with me, they told me how much the coats were appreciated and even gave us a little tour. I only choked up a few times during the whole time but again, when I got home, had a violent grief attack. It's the same pattern as when I cancelled Susan's phone line. I was OK while I was doing it, and when I was done I was walking around crying & repeating "I'm sorry I cancelled your phone" over and over. Just thinking about all this has me crying now. Best wishes. FWIW I think it's good to not do it alone. And, my experience is that the major grief attack hits after, not during.

TeresaAnne so sorry. To echo Kay, it sounds like your friend is a mix of positive and negative with the negative coming on stronger now and we definitely do NOT need that while grieving, even if she was helpful early on. My counselor says we have to be "ruthless" in taking care of ourselves and it sounds like you're doing that. Doesn't make it not hurt.

Thanks so much for the replies, my virtual friends. MJ I really feel for you. Susan's first birthday as a spirit was last summer and I had some of her friends over and we signed a card, which made me cry. For 3/31 I'm having a 1 yr memorial informal get together of friends. The waves continue. Woke this morning thinking of so many sweet things Susan did for me and there was no point to live without her. Now after spending the afternoon with another grieving friend I'm back to OK. Who knows what 3/1 will bring? When Susan didn't want to take a vacation I would always tell her we had to do it while we still could. I just meant becoming incapable of sailing or camping, I wasn't thinking of her leaving this world in 10-15 min with no warning. I'm really glad we went 1 yr ago, when Susan had 1 month to live and we had no idea. We took every vacation together. Ever since there was online check in I've checked in the two of us and printed our boarding passes. My trip to San Juan last week was the first time I checked myself in for a vacation flight. Just seeing my name alone on the page set me off.

March is coming. 3/1/17 we left for our last vacation together at the Virgin Islands Campground and had a wonderful time, loving the beach and with Susan going up the hills like a teenager and no hint of a life threatening condition. On 3/31/17 she died. Since Susan was a compulsive planner, one year in the past she would have been already going over her list, making sure we had sunblock in 3oz TSA approved bottles, etc. I've been extremely sad and tired and even tho I've already been through a year of "first without" including our 48 Anniversary, our birthdays, holidays, Valentine's day...I feel March coming like a huge dark cloud.

Gin, that is sad. My counselor and some bereaved friends tell me that eventually I'll be able to enjoy the memories instead of just feeling the loss. At 11 ms I'm far from there and find it hard to believe I can get there, but thought you might be. I know everyone's trajectory is different. Sailing was OUR thing but last summer I kept it up at a reduced level, taking friends for day sails with no cruising. I did OK on the water but afterwards I'd go to where we'd have our post-sail coffee and cry. I'm going to do it again this summer, hoping to do at least an overnight, but I'm not sure I'm ready to share the intimacy of a 33' sailboat with a non-Susan. My counselor says this is good and that I'm "brave" but I'm afraid it's just my inability to change. "Creature of habit". But not to beat myself up, I DO love everything about the ocean, so maybe I can continue to enjoy it sailing on it. I know Susan would want that.

WOW Gin what a wonderful thing to do. I hope you can enjoy the memories more than feel the loss, unlike me. My sailing log had sea conditions, wind, waypoints, harbors etc but also the non-sailing activities, social, beach, dingy trips, restaurants...now I'm going to read it for our last cruise.

Exactly Gin, both yesterday and forever. Our last sailing would have been a day sail out of Boston in 9/16. I carefully logged all our cruising but did not log the day sails and I can't remember, so I can't reconstruct our last time doing our favorite recreation.

Thanks Martha Jane, works for me if I think of Susan watching over me. Can't believe it's almost a year and a half since I was sailing with Susan. Still seems like yesterday.

One of my first professional associates died in 2016 and her husband died a week later. My cousin Kate’s husband died in 2016 and she died abt six ms later. In first case he was much older and Kate was drinking and broke her neck in a fall (we think). Nevertheless the spouses left behind did not have to spend much time in Grief World. I can’t help thinking they were fortunate.

I've reached out and made some new friends. Problem is, compared to what I had with Susan the relationships seem trivial and superficial, even when good. I told my grief counselor, if you put my other relationships of a scale of 1-10, Susan was 1,000,000. "It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch"

Close enough 🐼