TomPB

At this point I've heard "different" so much I automatically translate to "worse". I was also told I'm not officially depressed, just sad. Yee-hah. A very ignorant doc asked me at 6 ms if I still think about her every day and when I responded "how about every 5 minutes?" offered me drugs but that's straightened out now.

Tony, I think sharing with other grievers is one of the most helpful things we can do. However, my experience with a group was not so good. It had both people who had lost a soul mate and people who had lost a child. I am NOT saying that losing a child is less bad, but it's not what I relate to. Furthermore one member of this contingent virtually hijacked the group, handing out pictures of her son and even playing a long tape from his memorial service. IMO the group leader did not do his job by letting her take so much time. Then, of the ones who had lost a soul mate, some were very closed up and didn't share much. So I didn't get as much out of the group as I do from talking to my grieving friends one-on-one. Don't get me wrong, I think the right group would be great. I hope yours is. But if you don't feel you're connecting, please remember it's not necessarily because you're doing anything wrong.

Well my grief counselor just told me “sadness does tend to DEEPEN as we clear away the anger & regrets” when I told her I’ve been having an ultra sad day. Geez! What a life.

You'd think those with alcoholic parents would not follow, but I can't count how many times I've heard "I realized I'd become my father" Seems that's right, unfortunately.

Lainey, thanks. I'm not so proud of myself since I didn't do it myself, but Susan was and the further I was from a drink the better our marriage got. I thought I knew how to use my support group, but nothing that came up before came close to the pain of losing Susan. I had thought that crashing and burning from alcohol (it was ugly) was my worst nightmare, but compared to losing Susan it was nothing. At first it was almost like the tools of the program didn't work any more. But I know it has helped even when I'm so miserable that I can't believe things could be worse. I hope your sister will grab that lifeline if she ever enters grief world. BTW I'm sure that a few drinks would help some people in grief - that's just not me.

I'm 26 yrs sober in AA. This has been a big help because part of the program is building a support network and I have been able to use it as a grief support network. Making a call when I'm feeling bad is business as usual for me. Also we share our "experience, strength and hope" at meetings and in person and that works with grief. My grief counselor is in the program and has written the "12 steps of grieving" at the end of her book. The first thing everyone asked me after 3/31/17 was if I'd picked up a drink. Amazingly, I haven't had the urge. Early on I had the thought that if I got drunk enough I could die in an "accident" and it wouldn't be suicide, but I never thought a drink could make things better.

I have two thoughts/emotions in total conflct. 1. Susan was my one and only. 2. I'm so lonely, I want another partner. OMG how would I handle another romantic relationship? Could she do anything I wouldn't compare to Susan? How would she feel when (not if) I had a grief attack? Turning it around, Susan loved me with warts and all. Am I gonna start worrying about what impression I will make on another person after 48 yrs of perfect understanding? But I do want to do couples things eventually. I want to go sailing with someone to sleep with me in the vee-berth. I have a female friend I consider my non-girlfriend. We go to dinner frequently and she gave me an expensive Christmas present. If I asked her sailing that would look like the next step in romantic escalation, right? Could I share the vee-berth and tell her I can't currently imagine sex with a non-Susan? Awkward. A very confused Tom🐼

Exactly 🐼😢

Kevin, I hear you. Like Ana says, grief comes in waves. My counselor says learn to ride the waves, tho I mainly just cry. I'm surrounded by so many reminders of our life together that triggers are everywhere. Going thru our linen closet (100% managed by Susan, I had no idea what we had) I found the special sheets we always took sailing. As with everything Susan handled, they were neatly put away in a plastic container, perfect for taking on a boat. I was screaming as I was tortured by the thought that we would never take them sailing again, and there was no point in doing this life thing without her. But all my most intense grief does pass and I move to OK-ness, till the next attack. What I can't forsee is whether I'll ever move beyond OK to happy. Hang in there.

I had the opposite experience, with Susan being ill but with no hint of a life threatening condition, and leaving this world in abt 10 min while I sat in the living room downloading a book. The stillness I have is meditation. I have a group that does 40 min once a week and I meditate on Susan for abt 25 min every night. A hard swim quiets my mind also. Over 9 ms now & still don’t know if I can ever not be sad.

Pauly, that all goes for me and we're at similar points on the journey, I lost Susan 3/31/17. Welcome. Sharing with others living the same nightmare is one of the things that helps me. I watched “Good Will Hunting” last nite just because I like Boston movies, and had totally forgotten the subplot that the therapist (Robin Williams) was dealing with the loss of his wife! Gave me a whole new perspective on the film, crying, still feeling it today. Then this morning a friend gave me some pics of us from when we had taken her sailing, looking so happy together doing our favorite activity. That set me off more. So after having been relatively OK for most of yesterday I'm now having a grief attack. I know they pass, but when I'm in them I can't imagine ever enjoying life without her.

I have a confused sense of time. Hard to remember that monday was New Years. Got thru that OK, then was really dreading home alone in the storm yesterday, which used to be so cozy with Susan. So I moved up my call with my grief counselor from Fri to Th and got a surprise dinner invite from a friend, so got thru better than I'd hoped. We have 13'' snow and there was major flooding on the waterfront. My shoulders were sore after shoveling. Coming home today was sad that Susan's boots were not sitting outside the door. Sorting thru things I have a lot of her baby pics, which I did not realize. How can she have run thru her entire life when I have pics of her at just a few months? Everything I do feels like "getting thru", not what I just naturally want to do and enjoy like before 3/31/17. My grief counselor says "Don't miss this part", meaning this phase of my life is worthwhile and don't dismiss it as just something to be gotten thru. I understand, but it's hard NOT to want to miss this part. My swim teammate Mara's husband died 1 week ago after about a 1 yr decline with cancer. I hugged her and said "Welcome to my world". Of course we've been talking about things for some time. I hope we can help each other.

Exactly. I have friends and family but their love doesn't come close to what I had with Susan. With this storm coming we would be so happy to hunker down and snuggle. Now in these rooms where we lived since 1993, that Susan decorated so beautifully, I am horribly lonely.

We're having the longest (not the coldest) stretch of cold temps in Boston in 100 yrs, and a nor'easter forecast to bring 8-12 in snow Thursday. Many events cancelled, already lines at market. I LOVED to be inside and warm with Susan under these conditions. Now lonliness and those memories are giving me a major grief attack.

That is the most well organized fireworks I've ever seen. Spent NYE alone watching fave movie, The Godfather, followed by my regular meditation on Susan. In my previous life we would usually go to the early fireworks, which were cancelled due to cold this year, and not do much but wait till midnite, drink some sparkling cider, and say loving things about the past and coming years. Part of the meditation is remembering the good times, and just being close like that is what I miss more than any big event. Now like I said elsewhere, I don't know whether to say it's good to be out of the worst year of my life or even sadder to be entering the first year without any Susan. Susan's sister Emily and husband Ted came today and I cooked our favorite Christmas dinner of cod and lentils, despite it being New Years. Was first time I've cooked for anyone but myself since 3/31. Susan would make the place look nice, get out the good dishes etc so I had to do some exploring and take some non-🐼 actions. Was good with lots of loving talk about Susan. Best wishes to all for 2018.

I've been reconnecting with friends from childhood to college. They remember me better than I do. It's like 48 magical years have vanished and I'm regressing to my pre-Susan life. Like I'll move back to my home town and move in with a girl I knew in the 6'th grade. Not sure who I am now.

Yes, 2018 coming. Don't know whether to say it's good to be out of the year I lost Susan or even sadder to be entering the first year without any Susan. You have the right idea about talking to others who understand. Unless you've lost a soul mate you have no clue. Nothing helps me more than being with others who been there. It's a sad club, but I seek them out. A network of grieving friends is IMO the best support. Best wishes and deepest sympathy, Tom🐼

When Susan would accidentally hit me swinging her arms around or bump into me - we were usually so close it was easy to do - and I'd complain, she would pretend to do it again, gently, joking with me as usual. Sometimes I'd get annoyed and say geez, can't you just apologize? I'd give any body part to have Susan clumsily jostle me again.

Yeah, what's the point without Susan? I was all about loving and caring for her. Then, to make her loss even more cruel, with no warning that she was in a dangerous condition, I just sat in the living room while she died. If a Dr had given us the slightest hint, I would have never left her side, or been up in a nanosecond when I heard the water go on. Couples. There is a woman in my meditation group who rests her hand on her husband. Couples walking with the woman holding the man's arm like Susan held mine. Couples snuggling on the train. Couples discussing their holiday plans, confident that their partner will be alive. Everything that I had and took for granted. My grief counselor talks about this and says to hope for "compassionate joy" but I'd be happier to see them fighting.

Thinking of Butch and Allen. I've been close to suicidal over losing Susan so pile more losses on top of that and I'm not surprised at his state of mind. I just hope he can find the strength to live. My grief counselor lost her daughter to a heroin overdose 3 ms after losing her husband to cancer. Not exactly the same but wish he could talk to her.

Kay, IMO politics is nothing compared to grief. Going through things found the special sheets we always took sailing, very neatly put away as with everything Susan handled. Triggered grief attack...never again. Then got call from sister of college roommate. She had been searching for my contact info to tell me his wife had died when she found Susan's obit and was shocked. What a coincidence. Now we have a good reason to reconnect. Just another day in grief world. Glad I finally took my window AC in LOL. Extreme cold in Boston.

I talk to Susan all the time and I say her response too. I tell her that we were so close in life that she must be able to reach across the dvide to comfort me with her presence, so why doesn't she? She says look 🐼, it's not easy for a spirit to do that. I sent you the falcon and the note and the turtle dream. I can't perform on cue. I meditate on Susan every night. I have a sort of altar in our bedroom. I try to visualize us in our favorite places like sailing in the BVI. In The Man In The High Castle Mr Tagomi moves to another timeline doing that, but I'm afraid I'm stuck in the one where Susan dies on 3/31.

My family is all on one side, tho there might be an argument between those who think impeachment is enough & those who want jail too. Hey, it's MA & CT! But I totally respect not letting politics get in the way of talking about grief. Actually my brother uses politics when he doesn't want to talk about the heavy stuff: Me: I have no life without Susan. Jack: Did you hear what the moron did today? LOL. It doesn't bother me because I know he loves me and we were brought up not talking about feelings.

Yes Marty there's nothing like sharing with those who have "been there". Thanks for all you do Tom🐼

Wow, seems there's a lot of zero empathy going around. Best Christmas Eve day wishes to all, Tom🐼