TomPB

Hi All, it's my second without her. Susan was the one who loved Christmas so as I decorate in her memory I'm always opening what I think of as her things. Taking train to my brother's in New Haven tomorrow and I'm giving the women in my family Susan's scarves addressed as from "Susan and Tom". At my counselor's suggestion last year I put a note to my current self with the decorations when I put them away so now I read it. It asks if I've found a point to my life, if it felt real or still fake, you get the picture. I suppose I have fewer grief attacks but just as intense when they come. That's what she told me to expect. I had a dream that I was in our rented condo in Ptown and I was waiting for Susan for us to go out and do something, getting annoyed she was late. Finally I opened the door to go myself and she was standing outside the door. I take that to mean she is close, if only I can see. Yesterday a close woman friend and I cooked together and shared a special meal. It was very warm but also strange to be doing the same thing I would do with Susan. She said she felt Susan's presence in the bathroom and I asked if Susan told her to stay away from her 🐼and we had a good laugh. I avoid words like Merry and Happy, but my very best and warmest wishes to all walking this painful journey. It is a fearful thing, to love what death can touch. Tom 🐼

Darrel, I'd like to focus on the good, I know it's healthy, but the pain of losing Susan is so intense that I can't get past it, or not very much. people who aren't in the club sometimes think I CHOOSE to focus on the pain but it's just what the system does, I don't think I have any control. Counselor thinks I might shift the focus with a conscious effort. Maybe

Sorry to hear that Gewn. I camped out at hospital any time Susan was having something done and it gave us a good feeling about being such a strong couple. Now the prospect of me being hospitalized without her by my side is a nightmare. Theres a lot to be said for going first. ❤️🐼

Nailed it, Darrel. The quote that says it all for me is "It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch" and I'd add, the deeper love, the more fearful it is. If Susan wasn't so SWEET it would be easier to live without her - but then I wouldn't have had that sweetness in my life. Two sides of the coin. Actually my grief counselor told me my assignment for the week was to focus on gratitude for 48 years of Susan instead of the pain of losing her. She says I'm ready for that but I don't know if I can...

Welcome Jame. I lost my soulmate Susan on 3/31/17 in about 10 minutes with no warning that her life was in danger. We had only begun to take the first baby steps at thinking about the next stage of our lives. I told our financial advisor that I didn't want to plan beyond age 90 as you couldn't really enjoy active life then...I didn't know we had 9 ms left. I didn't even get to say goodbye after 48 years of unconditional love. I wish I had Susan's instructions on how I'm supposed to do this. She was always the serene one and me the worrier.I always assumed I'd go first. I think she'd do a lot better without me than I'm doing without her. I know she'd want me to enjoy the rest of my life but I wish I could have heard it from her. I had a session with a psychic/medium and Susan said she would send me a new soulmate, but I don't know about that. I've been re-evaluating preventative medicine lately. I'm in apparent good health so this is projecting, but I do NOT want to be hospitalized without Susan by my side. So why bother with all these tests? I have an endless sequence of OK periods followed by grief attacks. It's been like that for a while. Last weekend I had a 4 day stay on a warm beach in PR that was pretty good and my friends and some of my work are good, but then it hits. Grief world is an eerie place. Hard to wrap my mind around how all the things we did led to the Urn on my mantlepiece. It's probably true that the waves are a little farther apart now, which is what my grief counselor tells me to hope for. Best wishes, TomPB

So easy to flip from relatively OK to wishing there was an easy way to leave this Susan-less world.

Coming home through Boston Common, it's the annual tree lighting. Susan loved it. In the mail was a Christmas card to Susan from an old friend with "hope all is well"...not exactly. Pretty soon I'll put up some decorations that Susan used to decorate with such joy, while I was the "🐼Scrooge", but I won't be thinking about happy holidays, I'll be thinking about her. That's the season in Grief World.

I gave away most of Susan's clothes last summer, keeping only what held special memories - which turned out to be quite a bit. Just recently I gave hats, scarves, gloves and sweaters to Rosie's place for homeless women in Boston. Susan knitted some of them. I get very mixed feelings - it's a good thing to do, and every item has memories and hammers home that she's gone. Walking down our street with this bag of clothes, her purple earmuffs were on top. Looking at them I remembered how much she liked to wear them and how cute she looked and almost started crying.

Best Bday wishes Gwen ❤️🐼

Don't have a session with my shrink now where I don't say "I'm just repeating myself, I have nothing new to say" - and he always says repeating is OK. Well, maybe up to a point...

Dee, good to hear that I'm not alone, makes sense that we have some of the same grief reactions....but hey, maybe it means we're both losing our minds. Tom🐼

I'm approaching 20 ms since Susan left with no warning. I still wear my ring and hers are in a bowl on top of her dresser, My life is endless repetition of being OK when I'm focused on the moment, and then a grief attack.

Just back from brother's in CT, sleeping in the same spare bedroom where Susan and I would sleep together. It was fine, I had moments of feeling like I belonged, and unlike last year I didn't have a major grief attack. Maybe I was a little numb. Then walking home from the train I looked at the huge full moon and thought, I don't know who I am anymore, what am i doing here?

Beautiful. Best to all who face the holidays mainly thinking about the person who isn't there ❤️🐼

Well Marg maybe you have to be born in NE to understand us, too. I've been in the south some but not in the rural deep south. LOTS of time in Richmond with Susan's family and some in NOLA with my uncle Bob. Bob was the extreme far right member of our family and the extreme liberal among his NOLA cronies, LOL. I learned in school that "we" won te Civil War but now I know it's still going on. I really dislike being asked "how are you". I usually answer "day at a time" or just grunt. Then there's "Doing well?" That's easy - I say No which gets some surprised reactions. My relationship with a BIL ended over the summer at a reunion for Susan's family. I was not going to attend because I thought the memories would be too painful but joined the group, apprehensively, for a whale watch out of Ptown. He said "How are you" and I said "Don't ask" which annoyed him. A little later he asked if I'd sailed over. Susan was my sailing partner, it was our favorite activity, I can't go cruising without her, and it's a very painful loss. He can't even recognize this. All I said was "How would I do that?" and he said "I don't know why I even bother to talk to you". This is guy who we had socialized with for many years with his wife Susan's sister. Bye bye. Another person claims she doesn't have a timetable for grief but that is a lie. She compared me to Queen Victoria who never got over the loss of Albert. We were talking over the summer and out of nowhere she said "Do you like being unhappy?". Bye bye. Answering these formula questions is something we all have to deal with. Best wishes to all in finding a path.

I have a great contractor who does everything in the best possible way and on time. He's also expensive so I can't get my building-mates to use him but he does all my own stuff. Early this year my upstairs neighbor hired the opposite kind of contractor - cheap, nasty and incompetent - to renovate her bathroom. He cut the water to my bathroom and washer/dryer. It cost me a lot to have my guys figure out what had happened and fix it. I planned to sue "Ron" but he was impossible to pin down. It's not like he has a real company with a reputation to defend. He would not answer registered mail, voice or texts. So I gave up. Some suggested I sue my neighbor but she is a good friend and I would never do that. She wants to give me something and maybe I'll let her.

Suddenly very cold in Boston. Wore my winter coat, which Susan bought me of course, for the first time. Got my window AC out yesterday and finally shut a window that would not close with help of a friend. So I'm buttoned up nicely, but I'd rather be warm in the cold snuggling with Susan. Even the bedding brings memories. "Oh yeah, we slept under that in 1982" sort of thing. Susan kept a big plastic bag of the bedding we took sailing. She'd always fix up the vee-berth (the "bedroom" in the bow) beautifully. In a discussion of "what is the most romantic place in the Caribbean" I said "the vee berth". Heartbreaking to look at it now. We always joined our sailing club for an expensive cruising boat. Now there's no one to cruise with so I'll downgrade to a daysailor next year. I can be OK when I focus on the moment, but I can drown in infinite memories when I think of what is lost. I can go from OK to crying anytime and anyplace. Well, maybe not anyplace - at least I haven't ever broken down in front of my students. Was close in early days but meditation saved me.

Marg, I'd like a picture explaining how to have Susan sleeping next to me again.

We have one thermostat for our building and at the start of heating season there's always adjustments as some are too hot, some are too cold. I always said I don't care if the bedroom's cold since I have Susan to warm me up. Now sleeping alone much worse in cold weather.

After 48 yrs of unconditional love I could remember something sweet about Susan that I'd forgotten several times a day for the rest of my life and never repeat! With holiday season creeping up so many random thoughts of our T-day and Christmas rituals. To the non-grieving those are the "wonderful memories" but they still mainly make me cry.

Yes, so hard, my deepest sympathy and best wishes.

A friend was trying to convince me to attend a party after I told him I was still uncomfortable socializing with large groups. He listed all the people I know who would be attending "with his wife". He had no idea that he couldn't have been more effective at keeping me away .

I constantly have these conversations with friends saying "what a wonderful memory" and me saying "it just hurts". Actually had one this morning.

We've had halloween, which Susan loved. I have pictures of her sitting on our stoup with a big bowl of candy and a bigger smile. I did two sessions of candy duty without too much grief. Next I will be missing her on thanksgiving when we always snuggled on the train going to my brother's, and later made T-dinner and apple pie just for us. But Christmas will be the worst. Susan loved it a LOT, and did the decorating, while I was what she called the "🐼 Scrooge". Last year I decorated some in her memory and will do it again. Wishing I enjoyed it more with her while I could. Dark cold days. My first thought in the morning is often, what's the point without her?

Joyce, I know, been there twice now. So painful to realize "til death do us part" is real and not just a phrase in a ritual. I hope your higher power gives you strength