TomPB

Marty, that all makes perfect sense, but Edna St Vincent Millay expresses the way it works for me "Pity me that the heart is slow to learn What the swift mind beholds at every turn." I wouldn't tout the swiftness of my mind lately, but there's a huge gap between knowing and accepting. I can't "stop and think about it" and have life get easier. That would be nice, LOL.

The comparison for me is not with other people, but between me with Susan vs me without Susan. I understand that a stranger could look at my life and ask what's his problem, he has a lot. I understand that I'm not unique, one member of every committed loving couple will eventually be left behind. But knowing that doesn't help much with what I feel.

We almost split up 28 years ago. Our marriage started magical, deteriorated as my substance abuse progressed, and Susan had had it when I crashed. However our bond was too strong for that and over the last 28 years it just got better and better every year and magical again. One of the things that really hurts is knowing that we were on this great trajectory and the coming years would have been better still.

I find that I'm not as bad as I feared on the big days, and then have a horrible grief attack the next day. Last night I got on the wrong train for the first time in my life. I was waiting for the Providence train, tired, and when the Worcester train was announced I got right on. Why would I do that? It's the train that Susan took to work. Strange things happen in grief world.

CairnLady, reading your post made me cry. I also lost my soulmate with no warning, on 3/31/17. We couldn't even say goodbye. So I know very well what this kind of traumatic grief is like and I feel for you. I've had some people who I thought would be supportive disappear, but on the whole I've had a lot of support. I've been in so much pain that it's hard to imagine anything worse, but I know it would be even worse without my friends and family. Now I get the most from relationships with those who are also grieving, here but also in the non-virtual world. I hope some materialize for you. People tell me that I'm doing everything possible to survive grief world. However I just miss her so much that I wonder if all the reaching out and spiritual and psych stuff can ever really help. My wonderful counselor, who lost both her husband and daughter, says it can so I'm not closing the door....TomPB

Robin all I can say is I know what pain these anniversaries bring and I'm sending my Best Wishes for getting through it.

Had the biggest mood swing last week. Went from possibly best days since 3/31/17 on Th and Fri to masive grief attacks on the weekend. 5/13 is the day I had Susan's Memorial service a year ago. Maybe that is part of it. Been coming to appreciate the Hindu custom of suttee, even tho it's only for women.

She has a good story - olympics at 14 yo!

Interesting. My exercise is swimming. Our Masters team practices 4 mornings a week. Swimming is a big part of what keeps me going - the exercise itself, the fellowship, the self esteem. I have had some grief attacks in the pool and sometimes I cry in the shower afterwards, but the net effect is very positive. I never thought Olympian Amanda Beard's book title "In the water, they can't see you cry" would apply to me, but it does. However, friends are always urging me to try yoga. My best friend, who is also a swimmer and lost her husband about 5 ms ago, does yoga and is learning to be a yoga teacher. She says it helps with grief, as in this thread. So maybe...

Best wishes Mitch. I've had one birthday without Susan and all I could think of was her absence.

I relate to a lot in this thread. I've worked at finding new interests and relationships, and strengthening old ones, and everyone tells me I'm doing all the right things, and I have OK moments, but then the hugeness of the loss hits me in a grief attack, and it repeats endlessly. I am "in the waiting room" instead of really being present for life. I'm throwing things out but NOT the precious things. A lot is just decluttering of things we might have thrown out if Susan was still here. I'm surrounded by Susan, this place is like a shrine to her. There are things that REALLY sting like a program with a dance she coreographed in the 70s "Dedication to T" and her PhD thesis dedicated to "Thomas PB". Maybe those could be happy memories someday but now they just bring pain, but I'll never let them go. I know it's an old theme, but the "How are you" formulas have been particularly annoying lately. Whenever I answer it seems people start smiling right away as if they assume I'm about to make some happy talk. And why do so many say "Have a good one"? Hate that. The bottom line is that Susan was off the charts in her goodness and in how she showered me with love, and in my heart I think I'll be sad for the rest of my life no matter what else develops. My counselor says don't shut the door and say "never", consider that it's possible that I might be OK.

Gwen, I've decided that after 48 yrs of intimate contact the memories, and land mines, might as wel be INFINITE.

Glad I live in a place with great public transit, uber & Zipcar. My main reason for having a license is as ID. We (when it was we) gave our car away when I realized the most I drove it was to move it on street cleaning day. Last nite was throwing out very old credit card bills & started reading them & realized they tell the story of our life. Saw charges for some vacay & sailing trips that really knocked me out. The memories from 48 yrs are INFINITE the rest of my life will be an emotional minefield.

So sorry Karen 🐼😢 I understand. I'll never forget finding Susan lifeless in the bathroom 10 min after we had a normal conversation. How do we go on? There are amazing people here. Best wishes for your continuing journey, TomPB

Marg, I am 100% on board with everyone being different and our need to protect ourselves, so it would be hard for you to make me angry. Maybe to protect myself I have to be where Susan and I were so happy. Everyone is different. Have to admit, the memories also bring a lot of pain, which makes me wonder if staying really is best. I don't know. I know that I could not have faced the emotions of going through a sale of this precious place with Susan in every square foot. People are always telling me I can do whatever I want, and I say yes, I know, but I don't know what I want so you're not helping. Today is beautiful with trees and flowers bursting out. Instead of enjoying it all I can think of is how Susan would love it and what she would be doing, and it mainly just makes me sad. Grief world is very messed up.

Marty, thanks for the reply. I'm not making any sudden changes, I'm the opposite. I have made only tiny changes. I love where we live and I didn't have the strength to go through selling it anyway. My counselor just tells me to keep an open mind to possibilities and I will do that. No idea what I will do, no idea if I'll have a new partner or if Susan was my one and only. Day at a time.

I must be the extreme opposite. I'm following most of old routines. Susan always said "PBs hate change". Maybe this is hurting, I'm not sure. The old routines bring the memories, and they bring 99% painful loss vs maybe 1% happy thoughts of good times. When I have traveled to new places maybe the grief attacks were less frequent. None of the routines have the impact of being in our home. Susan is in every square foot. Moving would be like deserting her, I have no doubt that putting our home up for sale would trigger MASSIVE grief attacks, to say nothing of the fact that I LIKE where I live. But who knows, maybe I'd have a better chance of finding some peace in a new place. I'm just a sad & confused 🐼

For a few days after I lost Susan I had a compulsion to throw out her things. It's just luck that I didn't throw out anything precious. I don't know why I had it but I know I was shocked and traumatized and it was very strong.

That is very moving, made me cry. Thing is, it really resonates with what I would want if I was dying with Susan by my side. It takes a little more effort to think of it as Susan talking to me, especially since we didn't get to say goodbye. But that works too.

So sorry Linda and best wishes for getting thru the anniversary. I just had the 1 yr. I'm fortunate that no one close to me has said something hurtful like that but I have no problem understanding how it hurts. Maybe I'll get to have that experience as more time passes and I don't "get over it". The rest of what you say goes for me too. If I thought I would be with Susan it would be very tempting to take my own life. However I fear that doing so could damage my spirit to the point that I would NOT be with her. In the message to my sister thru her psychic, Susan said that she is waiting for me but that I must not "leave the planet no matter what before my time comes". Sounds like a warning. Wow, do I sound crazy or what. Sure would have said that before 3/31/17

Elizabeth, my first time sailing without Susan a beautiful falcon landed on the spreaders as we were motoring to pick up the mooring and stayed there. Never saw that before in 30 years sailing, not even a seagull. Susan always went forward to pick up the mooring line with the boathook while I drove the boat, and I just realized that she was trying to be there and participate in the maneuver she enjoyed, as always. Things that make me think her spirit is really present, beyond being in my memory, make life more bearable.

People are always recommending books and movies. Some are helpful but nothing helps me like sharing "experience, strength and hope" with other grievers. I'd be even worse off if I didn't have them so I feel for you, Gwen. That said, "A grief observed" was powerful, tho towards the end he seemed to be recovering too easily - maybe i misread it. Anyway today someone told me about "Shadowlands" by his adopted son and made into a movie, and I'm gonna watch it tonight.

Totally Understood Gin best wishes TomPB. ps You hit one of the things I dread. I'm in (apparently) good health, but the prospect down the road of being hospitalized without Susan by my side makes me hope for sudden death. I hope you handle it better than me.

Yeah, the internet is swarming with grief experts, in many cases repeating the same ideas, being clueless, or trying to make a buck. There is good material out there, like from Marty, but a filter is needed.

I hope that Susan lives on as a spirit, not just in my memory, and is waiting for me. I talk to her and meditate on her. But, sorry, losing her physical presence in my life can't be described as "nothing has happened".