Kieron

It was in the tone of voice. Maybe he was being flippant, or trying to lighten the mood, but it was right on the heels of my reply "I'm okay." It came off badly, and maybe he was kicking himself afterward. I haven't stayed in touch. I noticed I just feel worse after talking to him so it's better not to try. And we're both guys, so it might be a guy thing, but I wasn't having any of it. Which is unfortunate as it is difficult for me to make friends, as it is. Gwen's "just peachy" comment is one I'll probably adopt for myself. 😊 I have sometimes used "it's complicated" when people ask how I am doing. That usually gets an "oh..." and then they change the subject.

I can only shake my head at the insensitivity lately among people I know offline. A friend emailed me to relate how her furnace went kaput and caused all kinds of damage, dealing with repairmen in her home, etc. I responded with sympathy and mentioned how we had had ours replaced about 4 years ago, thankfully, because I would not want to deal with it alone, and how it's been 2 years this month since Mark collapsed etc., but otherwise I didn't go into detail about him. She responded with more about the furnace woes and what else has been going on with her, etc. Not a word in reply about Mark, not even "Wow, must be hard this time of year" Or, you know, something. 🙄 Then someone else I know made an insensitive comment some time back, bad enough for me to just cut him out of my life and move on. September was difficult in the extreme this year, being a year and a half since, and his birthday month, and the onset of autumn and shorter days. We happened to chat on the phone and this so-called friend asked how I was doing. My response was "Okay." That's my standard answer. He spouted off, "Just okay? Well, that's not very convincing." And this is from someone who lost his own spouse 5 years ago! Just reading that in print makes me shake my head in disbelief. Can people be so dense and thoughtless? He should be kicking himself for making such a stupid remark. I know I would if I had blurted out something that idiotic. Tonight, I caught myself counting all the people who have vanished from my life that I thought were friends or at least good acquaintances. Except for a few true-blue friends, the rest have moved on. People! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Mark is on YouTube, in a short video he appeared in for a service center he volunteered at. I marvel at how young he looks before the weight of the chronic pain, illness and disability took away his vitality. I have the 3 quick segments in which he appears, memorized by this time down to the minutes and seconds.

I can't "Like" this comment or give it a "Heart" but I sure understand you. I went through something similar 5 years ago. Had to take 3 contractors to small claims court because, long story short, I don't know who had the money I paid them, so I went after them. I won by default since none of them showed for the court date, but man I hate contractors too. I learned painful lessons and if I have to hire someone nowadays for work on my house, I put them through the works: the BBB, 3 customer references, and also I contact the state DOLI (Dept of Labor and Industry) to see if there have been complaints against them. I will never go through that again, especially not alone. 😖

Ana, I agree with Kay. Grief couldn't not have an effect on your blood tests. Chronic stress causes hypertension, so why could grief not alter the results of blood tests/labs/readings?

You'll want something that smells like her, such as clothing with scent or perfume she often wore. Thankfully I hadn't ever washed his bathrobe the week or so before he collapsed from septic shock (almost 2 years ago now... where has the time gone?!). It's still hung up next to mine, where it will stay.

I remember watching one of those shows toward the end. Mark was watching a lot of TV shows about house hunting, probably because he just wanted to go home again. We lay in the bed in his room in the rehab center, and watched these house hunter couples fuss about stupid details and petty points of interest and trivial problems like the angle of light, and I thought, "Wow, wait 'til one of you is in the hospital or gets sick, or dies, and THEN you'll find out just what's important in life." 🤬

I think it says a lot about the quality of your character that you are asking the question, so you can be the best support you can be to the person's grieving mother. 😊

You'll find yourself replacing "I" with "they" and getting angry all over again. I went through that, including yelling and screaming while alone in the house we once shared. I probably threw things. I don't remember. I know people who don't even TRY to be decent human beings toward other people or to animals, and yet they're still around. I don't get it. I never will.

What a beautiful photo, and such a sweet way to remember her. I, too, am sorry for such a loss as you have experienced and assure you that it's perfectly natural to be "all over the map" with how you feel, and yet making it through the work-a-day world because, well, you just have to. And our society barely gives you the time that you need. Marty, that is a great article about resting sad face. I have the same situation. Like Olivia, it used to bother me, but what's interesting is that since taking up Tai Chi Chuan, I've come to see the natural flow of in and out, up and down, side to side, which matches Olivia's description of "rest." We cannot be active, go-go-go, rah-rah-rah 24/7. We need rest, relaxation, sleep, time to dream, reflect and so forth, before going forth and being active again. Makes sense to me, anyway. 🙂

❤️

Isn't that the truth. Sorry, Marita. I can only imagine how it must be for you.

I, too, am sorry you had to find us, and for the loss of two bright stars in your life. Please heed Marty's (and others') wise words about taking the time you need. There will be times you feel sort of "okay" and other times you will be anything but, and everything in between. It's all over the map. I've edited my account here to remove Mark's photo because it just makes me too sad right now to see that cheerful smile of his, taken at a time when life was great. I'll probably add it back someday. You go back and forth a lot, I'm finding. Normal is a setting on a washing machine, as they say. 🏳️‍🌈

Well said.

Love that quote but there was never any "someday" for me. I never stopped reading them. I think stories, tales and myths have a lot to contribute to our own understanding of the world and ourselves. ☺️

Oh Marg, my heart goes out to you. How awful.

I gave away a lot of his kitchen stuff to friends who cook, or to charity, although there's a ton of stuff in the basement I haven't even touched. I do cook, but not like he did. I don't need 2 food processors, 2 blender styles, etc. He had what he called a "full kitchen" (or nearly!) and I simply cannot use it all. I kept what I will use or know how to use, like all our cast iron cookware. A melon baller? Nah! 🙄 When he was sick and deteriorating, I was working full-time and visiting whenever I could sneak in, usually in the evening. I never told him this, but those days he was hospitalized and in rehab, and ultimately intensive care, I felt like I was slowly starving. Not just because I was missing his great cooking but because he put his heart into every dish and it had the effect of nourishing the soul as well as the body. 😞 How I miss this. 🍲

Yep, that's where I found it originally. Too bad the author of the On Being piece doesn't cite the source. I'd like to give credit where it's due!

Exactly, kay. I talk about Mark to those who knew him, and recall things he used to do or say. I've heard it said no one has truly died until their name is no longer spoken. One of my favorite grief quotes is something I heard on "On Being" hosted by Krista Tippett. "Grief is an incredibly difficult process, which takes time, because it is learning to get to know someone who has always existed as an external, physical being, who is now a purely internal being.” I don't know who originally came up with this statement, unfortunately. And I dream of Mark almost nightly but he almost never says anything to me in the dreams. He's always focused elsewhere (and I think he is focused on his own "stuff" in what I call "over there" or "the other side.") Although recently, one night I dreamt he came into the living room and told me to follow him downstairs. So in this dream I followed him into the basement, and he was walking normally (for him) but he didn't talk, even though I said, "I'm so glad you're back. I have so much to tell you!" Down in the basement, a short, frizzy-haired woman wearing a hard hat was busy working on the foundation, the walls, and rafters in the ceiling downstairs. There were tools, work-lights, and materials around the basement area. She didn't look at me or talk, just kept intently doing her work. He didn't say anything else to me, but they were clearly working together on getting something done down there. Basements represent our unconscious, so I understand. Possibly there's some work being done on my own unconscious. It felt comforting, like someone knowledgeable was in charge. A psychologist friend who has a knack for dream interpretation thinks this hard-hat woman represents my anima.

Today would be Mark's 62nd birthday. I've been sad, had a tear or two, and the day is young, yet. But compared to a year ago today, I feel reflective and wistful, but not torn up inside. Interesting. I suppose that feeling will return off and on... 🦋

Yes, try EMDR. I can vouch for EFT some some extent. I have tried vibrational medicine as well, which for me helped a lot, although it's not everyone's cup of tea.

Yes, this is usually a caution sign of some sort.

How insensitive. You've every right to feel as you do. Such treatment is inexcusable. 😬

I agree with this. Something similar happened to me not that long ago, seeming fated with timing, similarities and coincidences, and while I was dazzled for a bit, I knew its intensity was only because I was missing Mark. Sure enough, it passed and I could see past the dazzling light. Thankfully no injury beyond a bruised ego was sustained. I think the only reason the whole episode happened to me was to warn me that I am not emotionally ready. It helped me get my bearings and I know what I need is not another person, but to work on myself for awhile. But I do understand.

Marg, I was taught, when I encounter things that are beyond my power to change (like hurricanes all the way down to petty everyday annoyances), to use the following: "I request a most benevolent outcome for (whatever it is, such as a person's safety, or for safe travels, or a parking place near your destination, a good business transaction at the best possible price, or pretty much anything), and may the outcome be better than I could hope for or expect." These words, apparently, clear the way for the best and highest good to occur for the named situation, whether it be good fortune or direct action by angels, or whatever a person believes. I've seen some pretty interesting outcomes in my time when I remembered to say the words out loud. Of course, sometimes the outcome is not what we would like but it may well be the best possible outcome out of many bad potential outcomes. And I guess, sometimes we are not meant to know the outcome.