AnnieO

Hello, I just got home from an afternoon with my dad. It was the hardest day I have had with him, so far. There is alot of confusion now, but he does not ever think he is wrong or confused.He gets mad if you try and correct him. He is so mean to me. I have seen first hand the dementia that can come with this disease, but I don't think that is what's happening, because I am the only one he treats like this. It' so hard not to let it get to me. Today, I could easily walk away from him and never look back. When they came to take him to physical therapy, I went down the hall where I heard piano music and singing. They were having a church hymn sing along. I only watched one song and fell apart, thinking about my mom. She was so,so sick the last few months but she was always loving to us when we were with her. The nursing staff loved her too. I don't really know how to handle this situation with my dad. I can't imagine dealing with his anger everyday. I haven't done anything to deserve his behavior towards me. The way I really feel, is he is lucky I am still around to take care of him. I had plenty of reason not to be! Okay, thanks for listening. It's a beautiful , sunny day, I am going outside to breathe.

I can't thank you all enough. I have felt so alone for over a year and when I read the posts from all of you, I know I am no longer alone. Tracy, I am so sorry about your dad. I am glad you are here on the website. Thank you for telling me about your room-mate's parents. I know there are other people out there, that are in the same situation as me, but I just can't find them. She sounds like a wonderful friend. My story is similar to hers...we are in a small town and my parents are well-known and successful in the community. When we made the decision to not tell the truth about my parents illness, we were doing it to protect my mom and my kids. Ignorant people can be so cruel. But, all the questions from friends and people in the community are so exhausting, having to give answers without giving them too much info. Sometimes it feels like I am continuing the lies my father started. But, I want to protect my mom, even after death and protect my kids. I have good friends, but I just haven't been able to talk to them, I guess deep down I don't trust them enough to keep this to themselves. This community lives to gossip! Thank you again,Tracy. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Jane-you are right, it does feel like a huge boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. It's been so painful, not to have anyone to talk to about all of this. (my husband is great, but I think sometimes he needs a break from listening to me!) After I put all of this down in my post, I went to bed and for the first time since my mom died, I dreamed about her. She looked wonderful...healthy, like she did before she got sick. It was such a nice feeling when I woke up. I hope you all have a good day.

Hello everyone I have made a decision that Marty assures me I won't regret. It's just that I have never told anyone this.(except my husband and brother)even my own kids don't know the truth, but I feel I need support right now and everyone here has been so helpful and kind. As you know my mom died Dec.7th. What I have not told anyone is that my mom died of AIDS. And one week later I found out my dad has AIDS and today I spent the day, moving him from the hospital to a nursing home. We were shocked when my mom was diagnosed, after being sick for a year.They did every kind of test in the world, except an HIV test. She was so sick by the time they did the test. We spent the last year taking care of her and watching her slowly leave us. During the last few months of her life, I started really thinking and searching thru things in my dad's life. I discovered a life-time of lies and deceit.I cannot put into words the rage that I felt. After my mom was diagnosed, my dad said he got tested and was negative.I don't believe he got tested or lied about the results. My mom died never knowing how she became infected. And now, I am the primary care-giver for my dad. I have not only lost my mom, and am watching my dad die, but feel I have lost my identity. The family I thought I had, wasn't real. I feel so much loss on so many different levels.And then there is the anger I feel towards my dad. I am taking care of him because my mom would want me too. I have managed to find a place in my heart that I can forgive him, because the anger and rage were killing me. It's not who I am. As you can see, I am in a horrible place and cannot find anyone that has been thru this. I miss my mom so much and cannot believe that I now have to watch my father die from this horrible disease.Thank you for listening, this was so hard to do.

Bob, I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you found this site. It is full of kind, caring people ,who will help you. I don't have the words to tell you how sad I am for you, just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hello, I think many of us have talked about insensitive people and their comments. I wanted to share something that happened to me the other night. I was waiting for my son to get done with soccer practice. It was too cold to sit in my car and read, so I decided to run into the grocery store and get a few things. I was hoping I wouldn't see anyone. It had been a hard day, no make-up on, hair wasn't brushed and I had dressed for warmth, not fashion! I ran into another soccer mom. She told me I looked so tired. We talked awhile and as she left she asked me for my car keys. I asked her why, she told me she would start my car so it was warm when I got done. I went out to my car and she had my car running, was sitting in her car next to mine. When I got there, she got out and helped me put my groceries in my car. Then she got in my car and handed me a chocolate and said, "tell me about your mom". And I did, it was wonderful.We laughed and cried. This woman isn't a close friend, just a soccer friend.But what she did that night for me was so special. It was a reminder that even though there are the insensitive people, there are the truly kind and caring people too. Hope everyone was a good day.

Shell, Thank you for the analogy, it's exactly how I feel! It made me laugh, so you started my day out right. Thank you.

Jane, I just saw your post and can relate to it.(mom died Dec.7th 2006) I am keeping up the "doing okay face" for everyone around me. I don't let my kids see me cry (ages 15 & 18) and rarely let my husband see me cry. The other night I heard my husband telling someone "she is doing great"..I think everyone thinks I am over it.When I am around friends, they seem relieved when I am "normal". I told my husband, on the outside I am doing fine, it's the "inside" of me that is a mess. Thinking of you.

Martin, I am so sorry for your loss. I am so glad you found this site. I lost my mom 2 months ago, yesterday. And I still feel like throwing up, most of the time. I too have battled my weight, but have recently started walking. I am now taking vitamins and drinking lots and lots of water. I feel better doing these things. I know my mom would want me to take better care of myself. Your brother would want you to take care of yourself too. The "what ifs" and "if onlys" are so hard to let go of. I stuggle with those daily. You mentioned earlier, not hearing anything from your brother. I think 2 things..the first one, is when our loved one dies they go to a place that they can heal, like a coccoon, then when they are safe and healed they are able to move on. The other thing , I think that when our pain is so raw we are not able to recognize the signs. I haven't felt my mom around me, but I know in time I will. I am sure you will feel your brothers love around you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hello, I had a horrible day yesterday. My dad has been in the hospital since a week after my mom died.(Dec.7th) The social worker called and told me they were releasing him on the 16th because they feel they can no longer do anything for him. They told me to find a nursing home. His doctor wanted to put in a feeding tube(my dad doesn't eat enough) but the social worker told me she thought I should talk my dad out of that because they believe he has given up and why go thru that procedure. My dad wants to be in a nursing home that is close to me..I have been there..very dark and depressing place. I can't believe this is happening, until the day my mom died he was so active, driving an hour each way to take care of my mom all day. I believe he has given up too, but I am not ready to sit and watch my dad die. Here is my other problem of the day..my friends daughter is planning a huge 16th b-day party. I asked my friend if her "grandmother" was coming, my friend said, no , her daughter didn't "feel the need" for her grandmother to be there. It broke my heart. My daughter would give anything for one more day with her grandmother. I just wanted to scream at my friend, but I know...they don't understand. Thank you for listening. I hope the day brings you peace and happy memories.

Laurie, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom Dec.7th. We knew she was dying, we were all with her, I didn't leave her side...until..her sister came.I wanted my aunt to have some private time with my mom. I told my mom I was stepping out to get some water. She died while I was gone. I believe she knew it was time to leave, but didn't want me in the room with her. The same thing happened to my aunt, she waited until her family stepped out. Maybe this is what Sean was doing too. I have read so many things about people getting out of bed when it's time to leave. Please don't be hard on yourself. He was not alone and you are not alone now. I was at my mom's house the other night for the first time at night..I felt afraid and nervous..then I took a deep breath and started talking to my mom. It was calming and I managed to get things done, just knowing she was with me. My thoughts are with you.

Hello, I have been reading but not posting lately. I am in a strange place right now and knew this was the place to find support. It's amazing how "well" I am doing. "I am so much better than I was a few weeks ago." These are the comments people are making to me. And I know why people think I am doing so much better, that is how I am acting. I realized the other day, I am not letting myself think about my mom (my mom died Dec 7th) at all. If any sad thought comes up, I force it away. I am keeping sooo busy during the day, I just crash at night. I can't let myself feel the pain, I am afraid I won't be able to pull myself together. I tried a counselor 4 times. I didn't get anything out of it. She never said anything helpful , she really didn't say much at all.She just kept telling me how strong I am . I guess it just wasn't a good match. I know I have to let myself be sad and cry... I am just surprised I feel like this now. Is this some type of denial again? I know it will only be harder the longer I do this.. My dad is still in the hospital and I have to go everyday to help him, so maybe that's why I am not letting myself think about my mom. I know many of you see a therapist/counselor, without invading your privacy, what type of help does this bring you? What types of things does a therapist help you with.Thank you for listening.

Hello, It's been a bad week. I thought I was doing okay, but now have horrible stomach pain. It's constant, but worse if I eat. This is something new for me. But the real hard part is my daughter, she is far away, a freshman in college. She was so close to my mom and is so sad. She calls late at night, crying. I don't know how to help her. We talk and talk, and usually get thru the tough nights. I was wondering if any of you could suggest a good book for her to read. She was going to look for a grief counselor close to school. Any suggests would be appreciated. My other tough part today was...I went to buy my daughter a Valentine's Day card..wasn't prepared to see the section of "MOM" cards. I lost it and ran for my car. Maybe another day. Thanks for listening.

Hello, I can relate to all that Janine and Lori have written. My mom was sick for 2 years, very sick for the last one. I have horses and have not ridden for the last year. Just would run in give them hay/water and out the door to take care of my mom. Yesterday, I was having a hard day(being so sad) I went to the barn, spent hours , grooming the horses, cleaning out the barn..etc. I still didn't ride but it felt so great to just hang out with them again.I was covered in hair, dirt and hay, it was great. My mom loved horses and knew how much they mean to me. My husband came down and said it was so good to see me in the barn, and smiling again. I have been a volunteer with a theraputic riding group for kids with disabilities for 8 years, again..last year I didn't participate. I went the other day and one of the parents of a rider, came up and hugged me and said "welcome back"..that's how it feels about everything, like I have been gone from my life and slowly, I am coming back. I too, try and have a happy memory of my mom, after a grief burst.(I think that's a good name for those moments of overwhelming sadness and tears.) Thanks for listening.

I haven't seen any info. on Bernese and cancer recently, but was shocked to read your findings...Ripley was 8 yrs old and had cancer in his spleen and liver. Makes me believe the new stats. Thanks!

Hello, I am so sorry for you loss. I know how hard this is. I wanted to tell you my dog story. I lost my mom Dec.7th and that night I had to put my Bernese Mountain Dog to sleep..it was a total surprise and a horrible shock. Someone told me once they believe a person can own many dogs in their life-time ,love them all, but every once in a while a person is lucky enough to have a dog that is their soul-dog. Ripley was mine.He was my shadow and such a huge comfort to me,during my mom's illness. The part I wanted to tell you was, I have started looking at different breeds, maybe a puppy in the spring. I came across a Pyrenewf(sp) I love both those breeds and thought it would be fun to have a dog with 2 of my favorite breeds! Do you know anything about these? Was it hard for you to get another puppy? Especially the same breed? I don't think I could get another Bernese..Just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. Malcolm was a beautiful dog.

Lori, I am always amazed when I read someone's post and it describes my feelings exactly. I went to the grocery store yesterday for the first time since my mom died.(Dec.7th). I was so proud of myself. I know what you mean when you said you were thinking clearly. I came home and even made dinner. Then I worried too, was I moving on too quickly, too easily? That night I went to my son's soccer meeting. Some parents knew about my mom, some didn't. I didn't talk about it to the parents that didn't know. And it felt okay. I remember my last thought before I went to sleep was "I am going to be okay"..I am so sad and cry so often, but I know in time I will be okay. I will always miss my mom but I know she would want me to heal and take care of my family. So, that's what I am working towards. Today, I might even tackle the mountains of laundry I have! I hope you have a good day.

Hello, I am feeling like Trudy. I read the posts everyday, but just haven't had anything to say. I am just so tired. My dad isn't doing well at all. It seems like everyday they add a new tube that comes out of his body. (catheter(sp), pic line etc) Today they added a feeding tube down his nose. He is losing ground everyday. He worked so hard, taking care of my mom for 2 years, its unreal how fast his health has declined since she died (Dec.7th) I feel so bad that I am not there all day long, everyday , like I was for my mom. It kills me that he spends time alone during the day. I try to go as much as I possibly can, but it's so hard to go into the same building, same floor where my mom died. I don't have the relationship with my dad that I did with my mom, but I still feel so sad for him, when I am not there. But there are days I just can't go. The drive is an hour both ways, and some days it's all I can do to take a shower and get dressed! Plus, I have a teen-age son at home that I have to pick up from school and make sure I am supporting him. I don't think my dad will pull thru this. Thanks for listening.

Bertha, I am so sorry for your loss. I felt like I was reading a description of my relationship with my mom as I read your post. We too, used to call eachother all day long, to talk about everything and anything. We never ran out of things to say! I find myself contantly thinking thru-out the day "oh, I should call my mom ". My mom died Dec.7th. I feel like I am coming out of a fog, the numbness is slowly lifting. But, now I am so sad. I cry so often. I understand when you said you wanted to hear your mom say, "I love you,hon". I wish I could hear my mom's voice , one more time. I wish I had some helpful things to say...I understand your pain. And I believe we will get thru this awful pain and our hearts will be filled with wonderful memories that make us smile. we will always miss them, but I know for sure that we were so lucky to have had such wonderful relationships/friendships with our moms. Take care of yourself. Be sure before you go to bed tonight, to hug someone you love.

Pam I am so sorry about your dog. I understand what you are going thru. I hope it's okay, I would like to tell you about my dog too. Dec.7th my mom passed away. That morning I had taken my dog to the vet for tests. I came home from the hospital and really needed my big, furry buddy. I called the vet to tell them I needed Ripley home, even if they needed to have me bring him back in the morning, I wanted him home to help me. I knew the minute I heard the vet's voice it wasnt good news, he asked me to come in after they closed. So, that night I sat on the floor and hugged Ripley as the vet put him to sleep. He was an 8 yr old Bernese Mountain Dog, 105 pounds , and was convinced if he tried hard enough,he could fit on your lap. I can't believe I lost both my mom and my most favorite dog in the world on the same day. I like to think they are together and how suprised my mom was when she saw Ripley, she loved him too! We are so lucky when these special animals come into our lives, but it hurts so much when they leave. take care.

Pebbles, I don't know that I can offer any help. I just lost my mom a few weeks ago and I too am losing my dad. I know how hard this is and how sad you must feel. The only thing I know that helped with losing my mom was when we knew we would lose her, I spent as much time as I could with her and I told her all the things I wanted her to know. I look at that time as a gift. We laughed, cried , held eachother and said good-bye. It was the hardest thing I have done, but the one thing that I will always treaure. I told her she was such a good mom and my best friend. I told her all the "good"in me, I got from her. So, my wish for you is to spend time with your dad and make sure you get the chance to tell him all the things you want him to know. Take care.

Marty, Thank you, I read the things you suggested and feel relief. I realize, there is no set time that I have to go thru my mom's things and I now know, not to let anyone pressure me into doing this until I am ready. Thank you.

Hello It's been almost one month since my mom died.I can't believe it..it's all such a blur. And everyday I seem to be more in a fog than the day before. I keep making lists of things I need to do, but can't seem to get anything done. Except writing thank you's. My mom believed in thank you cards! I wanted to get those done right away because my mom would have wanted that. My daughter is home from college and last night she asked me if I wanted her to take time off and stay home..of course I do, but I hugged her and said, "no, I will be fine, you need to get back to school". Selfishly, I wish she could stay here with me. The other thing that is really upsetting to me, is how people (sister-in-law, cleaning ladies) keep asking me for my mom's things. The cleaning ladies ask me , weekly, if I want them to "bag up" my mom's clothing and take it to their church. I haven't touched anything of my mom's, her coat is still hanging on a kitchen chair and her purse is on the table. I certainly don't want people "bagging up" her things. Thank you for listening.

I am new too. I lost my mom Dec.7th. I helped my dad take care of her for 2 years.There were days I asked God to take her, to make her suffering end. Now, I wish I could hear her voice, one more time. Even towards the end , we always talked before I went to bed, and called eachother first thing in the morning.The other day I called my parents house so I could hear her voice on the answering machine. My dad has already erased it.I have to be strong and hold it all together because on Dec.13 my dad went into the hospital. He is very ill and I believe has no desire to go on. They moved him to a different building today and I had to walk into the same building, same floor that my mom was in , when she died. I saw the same nurses, therapists etc.So, here I am sitting in hospital room watching my parent stuggle to live. The night my mom died I came home to find my dog very sick, I took him to the vet and a few hours later I sat on the floor with him while the vet put him to sleep. He was my mom's favorite dog and he loved her. I would often take him to visit her when she was sick. Maybe my mom just needed a buddy to go with her. I miss them both so much. I feel like I haven't even had a minute to catch my breath and grieve my mom...and now I taking care of my dad. My husband has been so great and so helpful. I know he is trying to support me, give my strength, but why does itmake me want to scream when he tells me "we will get thru this, million of people get thru this everyday" I know he means well. Thank you for listening. Thanks for listening.