AnnieO

Shell, Thank you for your kind words. I had a conversation with my brother and he was feeling the same way yesterday, really struggling. He said he often thought that he would one day walk into the house and my parents would be there. I guess thats why the sale of the house makes it so real. Thanks again .

Hello, Once again I find myself here at the site looking for support. As you know we have had my parent's house up for sale.We got an offer today, spent the day going back and forth and finally everyone agreed on the price and details. I met the realtor to sign the papers to move ahead with the inspection and arranging the closing date.(Aug.22). This is what we were hoping for, we need to sell the house to help my dad out finacially. And I need to have it sold so I am not taking care of it any longer. So, when this is what we needed, why am I a complete wreck today. I can't stop crying, the realtor wanted to meet me at the house and I couldn't do it. I can't imagine walking in there for the last time. It's strange, I never even lived in this house with my parents. It's not my childhood home. It just seems so final and real. I can't imagine seeing all their furniture carried out. I know I have to be strong the next few weeks, but not sure I can do this. Thanks for listening, I know so many of you have been thru this .

Hello I had such an emotional week-end. My daughter had a horse-show out of state. She had the show of a lifetime...she and her horse were on fire.She won all 3 classes she was in, showed a friend's horse and got a second place. She was so,so happy. After she won the championship class, I was walking with her as she rode her horse back to the barn we were laughing and celebrating and so happy, I got my phone out of my pocket and opened it..to call my mom and tell her the good news. And then I remembered, I couldn't call my mom. It's been almost 8 months and it was like it just happened. My mom went to all the shows, until she got too sick. Even then, if my daughter won, I would call her so she could hear the victory music they play as the winner goes around for a victory lap. I wanted to call my mom so badly it just hurt so much. As we were packing up to leave the hotel later that day, I felt something heavy in my daughter's show suit jacket. I reached in and found a silver angel I had given her after my mom died, it has a saying on it about grandmothers. I asked her if she always rode with this in her pocket, she does. She said "that way grandma is always with me and knows how my ride went". So, I guess even though I couldn't talk to my mom, she was there and was with my daughter when she took her victory laps. Thanks for listening.

Rosanne, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom Dec.06. One week after my mom died my dad went into the hospital and hasn't been home since. He is in a nursing home and very ill. I admire your strength in taking care of your dad. Make sure you take care of yourself too.I am glad you found this site, there are wonderful,caring people here, who are always willing to listen and help. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shell, Thank you, I think telling people it upsets me too much is exactly what I need to do. Thank you, thank you.

Ellen, I am so sorry for your loss. The way you write about your daughter is so beautiful. You two must have had the most wonderful relationship, how lucky you were to have had eachother, even for a short time. You sound like such a loving,caring compassionate woman... when the time is right, is there a way you could take all your experience and everything you learned from your daughter and share it with others that are just starting out caring for a disabled child? A patient advocate or a volunteer somewhere. It just seems like your journey with Kate could continue on in a whole new direction. Just an idea. Thank you for sharing your daughter with us.

A little different situation, but still not knowing what to say. After months of keeping my dad's friends from going to visit him, I have finally accepted the fact that these people care about my dad, some are long time friends and they need to be able to see him.So, I have encouraged visits. But, now for me...it's started a whole new set of problems...all their questions. Some of these people just don't quit, it's not like they are close family friends, some I have never met. I am amazed that they just keep after me for more info. I give very general info and assume they will notice I am not giving anymore. I know that I will never ask anyone for more info on their ill loved one than they offer to tell me.It's not my business. I just don't know what to say to these people. A few of them I feel are nosy, not caring.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in Dec.06. I also lost a friend to brain cancer in Sept. It sounds like my friend and your mom were alot alike. My friend fought so hard and was always positive and upbeat and we were all sure she would make it. I am sure your mom wanted you to be with your wife and be there for your daughters birth. I have no doubt she heard you on the phone and knew she had a beautiful, healthy grand-daughter. Maybe she was waiting for your call and then she could let go. Don't doubt yourself, you were where you needed to be. Don't keep your feelings inside, you need to talk and get your feelings out. This is a great place to do that. You have so much to deal with right now, losing your mom and a new baby. Take good care of yourself and your family too. You will all be in my thoughts.

Deborah, I agree, grieving is the hardest work I have ever done. That must have been so hard to distance yourself from your daughter's fiance, but it seems like it was the right thing to do. It struck me when you said you "are a mother grieving the loss of your daughter"...and I am a daughter grieving the loss of my mother. You and your daughter were so lucky to have eachother. You are in my thoughts.

I didn't know where to post tonight...it's been a long day. We had my dad at the hospital for the second attempt at a spinal tap. Luckily, today they were successful. Now we wait for the report from the neurologist and then we will start taking my dad off all of the meds and hopefully make the transition to hospice. It was a hard, sad day. Then when I got home I had an email from my sister-in-law, she has informed my brother she is ready to file for divorce. My brother has been dealing with depression and anxiety for a few years and in the last 2 years he has been having trouble with spending and not eating and running all the time. He is spinning out of control, and I know it's out of control because of my mom's illness/death and now my dad's illness. I am trying to understand my sister-in-laws decision, I am just having trouble with the timing of it. Nothing like "kicking a guy when he's down"...I am just so worried what this will do to my brother. So, if I can ask you to keep him in your thoughts and prayers tonight that would mean so much to me. Thank you.

I think you described it exactly right. I had never put into words the feelings I get when sometimes I can't think about my mom...but you did! I almost panic, because it seems like I am trying to think about her or remember something and it's like it's blocked in my mind. Or there are days when a thought or memory come into my mind and it's too painful so I quickly block it myself and think of something else. So for me it goes 2 different ways, either something is blocking the thoughts or they are too painful and I block them. I am sorry I don't have anything helpful to say, just wanted you to know you are not alone in these feelings.

Thank you for all your responses. I was touched by everything that was said. It made me think about so many things. I just wanted to let you all know that yesterday, at my dad's dr's appt, things became very clear to my brother and I . My dad's dr talked to us without my dad in the room. He spoke openly and honestly and for the first time in months, I feel like we have his support. He talked about what he would do if this was his dad, he was already steps ahead of us as far as what he thinks we should do next. So, I feel like we didn't have to make any decisions right now. He believes we are at a point where we need to stop treatment and help my dad with what time he has left to make him comfortable. I felt overwhelming sadness but also relief. I did not want my dad to live years after his mind has gone. It is so much to process, but I feel better knowing the medical team is supporting us now. The other thing that caught me totally off guard was , the dr got emotional and told us he was "honored" to have met my family and that most of his patients come in with no family support or loved ones.When he walked in yesterday, not only was there a son an daughter, but a son-in-law too. He never sees that much support. He said the way that my brother and I have handled all of this, speaks volumes for how we were raised. He said he would be with us until the end and he would never forget us. I was shocked. It felt so good to be proud of my family again, as you know , my brother and I have carried a shame with us for the last year that wasn't ours to carry. Thank you for your advice and for being here!

Teny, I hesitate to post in this area(loss of a spouse) because I lost my mom in Dec.06, not my husband. But I wanted to share something with you that just happened to me a few weeks ago. I too , didn't see how the pain would ever be less or how I would go on..the other day I was sitting on my front steps, watching my horses in the pasture(my mom's favorite place to sit)I wasn't thinking about my mom but suddenly I had this overwhelming sense of her. Not that she was with me, I just felt how I did when I was with her, happy, safe and loved. I had not felt that feeling for months. I took a deep breath and for the first time in months, it didn't hurt to breathe. I had this thought go thru my head, again, not her voice, just a strong sense of what she would want me to do. She wants me to be happy, to live my life and be with my family. It was such a strange moment, but I felt more at peace than I had since she died. So, I do believe there will be a day when it doesn't hurt to breathe. How or when you get there is so hard to know...but your husband is with you thru this journey and you must go on for him. p.s ..I agree, I wish we all lived closer too!

Shell, Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts. I know what's ahead for you...all the financial stuff and death cert.copies that need to be sent out. I just hate doing all of this. It just goes on and on doesn't it? Hang in there!

Geri, I am glad you found this site. There are many,many good listeners here! I am sorry for your loss. I just wanted to tell you how lucky your friend was to have you in her life. You are a strong and caring friend,and what you did for her cannot be put into words. I am sorry you are struggling right now, what is happening to you is normal. Take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself. Just take small steps and don't expect too much right now. I hope you have a peaceful night.

40yearsoflove, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in Dec.06. She and my kids were so close, my daughter said they were soulmates. My daughter cries openly and often about her gandmother, she is 19. My son who is 16 never cries in front of us, but right after my mom died, I would hear him in his room, at night, crying. I know one reason he doesn't cry, is he thinks it will make me sad. I know how much your grand-daughter needs you. She might be trying to be strong for you, and is grieving in her own way. She is lucky to have you in her life and also to have had such a wonderful grandmother. You both are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hello, Everyone here has been so helpful, so this is the first place I turn to when I am trying to find answers. As you know, my father is in a nursing home and dementia is taking over. His body is holding it's own, but his mind is losing the battle. Most of the time he doesn't realize the seriousness of his disease and thinks he is there because he is having trouble with his feet. But, when the drs talk to him about whether or not to "keep fighting" he always says yes, he wants too. My brother and I have power of attorney, but not for medical decisions. My question to you ..has anyone gone thru something like this and had their loved ones declared incompetent and then had to make some tough medical decisions? Afer watching my dad go thru a spinal tap last week, where they could not get any fluid and tried over and over again, and now want us to bring him back to try again..my brother and I just don't know how much more we can put my dad thru. And the end result will be the same, no matter what. If we do go ahead and have my dad declared incompetent, and we make the decisions to stop all of this, except for food, water and pain meds...can we live with that? We both know, that if my dad was lucid, he would not choose this life. Thanks for any advice.

LoriK You are in my thoughts today. I hope today your heart will be filled with happy memories of your mom.

Kayc, I am so sorry you are struggling right now. I wish I had the right thing to say, to help you. I just wanted to tell you how much you have helped me over the last 6 months. Your courage and strength inspire me. I do not even begin to think I understand the pain of losing a husband, so I don't want to offer any advice..but I do have a question. Isn't there a way that you and John could live together? I think it would be so hard to be married, but be alone..to have someone in your life that you want to be with and be 3 1/2 hours away. Can you tell John you want to meet his kids and be involved? I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and again , thank you for being here for all the many people that you have helped.

Maureen, I am glad you found this site. I am so,so sorry about your mom. I lost my mom Dec.06. I don't really remember much from the first 3 months after her death. I am sure you have read all the posts about the fog and being numb. I do remember when that lifted a little and I was able to function a little more, but the pain seemed so much worse. I know the months ahead will be so hard for you and your family. Know that you are not alone and keep coming back to post. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jane99, You couldn't have said it any better...it certainly is confusing at times. You didn't have much time from when you found out your dad was sick,until he died. Did you live close by to him? Do you have siblings? Is your mom alive? I have one brother, he was pretty much in denial during my mom's illness and wasn't around much. Now, my father is dying,and my brother has really stepped up and gotten involved. It's a huge help. I had so much anger towards my dad, I think I have let go of alot of that, I will never have the answers I need, but realized I was only making myself sick by trying to find answers. Take care of yourself and ask people for help if you need it.

Lori, I am glad you are feeling better. I am still trying to decide about medication.Some days I think I need it and then I will have a better day and think maybe I don't. I wanted to tell you about a friend of mine. She had just lost her second husband(both husbands died of a brain tumor) She was really struggling and was so depressed, not really wanting to go on. Someone talked her into going for a manicure. She and the technician got talking, conversation turned to horses. My friend used to ride years horses years ago. The tech. ownes a horse and talked my friend into coming out to the barn and meeting her horse. My friend now ownes 3 horses, shows them all and has many friends in the horse world. She and the manicurist are the best of friends and my friend tells everyone that getting her nails done that day and meeting the tech. saved her life. So, I am not surprised that your clients are happy you are thinking about coming back!

I am sorry you are going thru such a hard time. Until I found this website and trusted the people here, I only had my husband and brother to talk to about my dad. My friends where I live do not know the situation and at times it's very lonely. The people here on this site have been understanding, non-judgemental, compassionate and caring. I am trying to deal with my feelings towards my father and move on with my life. I cannot change anything in the past. When did your father die? Do you have friends or a counselor that can help? If there is anything I can do to help, I would like too.

Jane99 I am not sure if my situation is like yours. After my mom died(Dec 06) we found out so many things about my dad that we never knew. So, on top of losing my mom, I now know I didn't know my dad at all. I look at him now and see a complete stranger. Is this kind of what your post was about? Glad you found this site. Keep coming back.

Tracey, Shell is right. Do one thing at a time. I used to take the day and think in 3 hour sections. If I could just get thru 3 hours and get things done,I would feel better.I tried not to think of "everything" that needed to be done. Bills, paperwork...etc. I just took one project at a time. And many days, taking a shower and eating a meal was all I could get done. Lots of things fell thru the cracks..I forgot to pay our house insurance, but paid insurance on a boat we haven't owned in years. I am with Shell...a pet store? What a great place to work. What kind of animals do you have? Do have pets at home? Hang in there. You are in my thoughts.