MartyT

Dear Ones, As many of you know by now, Steve G and I have been working diligently today to rid this site of hackers and their inappropriate messages. In my own zeal, I inadvertently succeeded in having lost much of the thread that "Novice," aka "Bill," started here. (Don't ask -- it's a long story ) I am able to reconstruct only a portion of Bill's thread, and I sincerely apologize for having gotten the remainder of it deleted, because it contained some very valuable and helpful exchanges between Bill and Doublejo. I have e-mailed Bill to let him know what happened, and I hope that he will return to this forum as an active participant. I also want to apologize to Doublejo, and I hope you will continue offering your wise counsel here. Please forgive! Posted by: Novice Sunday, April 23 2006, @ 01:00 AM in Loss of a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other _ Serial Losses Good Morning, I'm new to this; please bear with me and guide me. In Oct 2004 my companion of 30 years died from the longterm effects of a paralytic stroke. I cared for her in our home for nearly eight years. In Nov 2005 my best friend died of a massive stroke (after suffering horribly for about ten days). A couple of months prior to his passing I had begun a new, quickly intense romantic relationship, full of hope and plans for a future together. That ended, bitterly and angrily, in Mar 2006. It ended because I screwed up one of my otherwise benign medications. So, now where do I/we go from here? Obviously I would benefit from wise words from the experienced among you. Posted by: DoubleJo Apr 23 2006, 10:43 PM You have joined the "club of many losses". My first husband died 4 years ago after 27 years of marriage. My dad died 1 1/2 years ago. My new spouse of one month died 2 months ago. Two weeks ago my mom died. I am only 56. I have run out of people to die. Sometimes things go really weird for awhile. I have learned through all this that as much as I want to both grieve and also find someone to share some of my life's path again, the best thing is to go slow. Let your feelings come out and all that has happen to sink in. You will figure out what to let go and what to keep to help you with your adventures. And there can be new ones. But running around, looking for lots of answers when your mind and circumstances aren't too clear yet will cause you to make mistakes, do or say things perhaps not understood by many others. Go slow for awhile and let things settle within yourself. Do things, face life, but try to keep things from being too intense. In other words, give yourself a break. If the relationship was meant to be perhaps this other party would have better understood what happened to you and helped you through it. After all, we all have times of distress and do things. That's what builds a good relationship. Perhaps it was better to see how this person dealt with this instance( assuming you explained it to her)earlier on than later when it would have been more complicated. My best Doublejo Posted by: Novice Sunday, Apr 23 2006, 11:37 PM Dear DoubleJo-- Thank you for responding. Your pain must seem unbearable. And certainly the confusion and uncertainty must be truly frightening. You offered me some wise thoughts and words. I've similar experiences with family and friends distancing themselves. Candidly, I made a strong point when Jan died that I wanted to live a quiet, simple life. I think they took me at my word. When Bob died 13 months later I felt I had lost my other true anchor. I'm not ready yet to talk, in detail, about about the breakup w/Nancy. I will say by the time she/we understood my medicine misuse long-term effects we had already become pretty toxic one to the other. Of the suggestions you offered me for coping during this time, have any worked better for you than others? Would you decribe your successes for me, please? Also, would you let me know what hasn't worked as well? In return, I'll share what I can from a grief counseling workshop series that begins 1 May here at the University. Thank you again for writing! Bill Posted by: kayc Monday, April 24, 2006 @ 01:41 PM I agree wholeheartedly with DoubleJo's reply, I felt his/her words were very wise. Sometimes it's hard to understand what we can't make sense of or there are no answers for. But it is true that while we are in the intense pain of our loss, it is difficult to see or think clearly, hence the "go slow". It is good that you are willing to try and rebuild a future, that shows a positive outlook...in time, that can happen. But I have to agree that if Nancy was meant to be, she would try to understand all that you are going through with both your losses and the medication's affects. It doesn't mean she isn't a good person, but not everyone is capable of giving what we have need of right now. Good luck on your journey... Posted by: Novice Monday, April 24, 2006 10:29 PM Thank you, kayc, for your thoughts. Perhaps you and doublejo are correct in your views, i.e., that Nancy and I simply weren't meant to be. A major irony in it all is that neither she nor I were looking for anything or anyone when we kind of backed into each other. That doesn't lessen the pain; it's just an irony that I'm certain I'll never understand. This may be a moment to begin change and growth; I'm just finding it nearly impossible to do much of anything--housekeeping, seeing friends, former inrterests & activites. That sounds self-pitying doesn't it? How have you coped? What has worked for you? I truly feel the need for advice and counsel. Posted by: MartyT Tuesday, April 25 @ 12:12 PM Hi Bill, I'm so sorry to learn of all the significant losses you've endured. The death of a relationship can be just as painful as any other loss, and I think you've come to the right place to get your concerns addressed and validated. You may be interested in reading Matt's story, which appeared in our General Grief and Loss forum in October, 2003, under the topic, "Two Months and I Am Still Weeping." I'd like to share with you what I said to Matt at that time, including the books and online resources I suggested to him, as I think you may find them helpful as well. Click on this link and you'll go directly to it: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?act=...9&st=0#entry243 Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Grief is a Journey. There is plenty to discover along the way. Grief Gone Wild A wilderness experience for grieving teens. Grief Gone Wild is a program just for grieving teens. It allows young people to join others like them on a personal journey down the beautiful and exhilerating San Juan River in Utah. This wilderness adventure is offered by the City of Phoenix Parks and Recreation division, with teens sponsored by Hospice of the Valley. Grief Gone Wild is a five-day river rafting expedition designed to help teens move toward peace and acceptance. Along the way, they will engage in special activities. They will share with others. And they will get a chance to work through their grief as they experience life all around them. Dates: July 20-25 Costs: Teen portion $75 Grief Gone Wild is adult-supervised by a team of wilderness and bereavement specialists, hospice volunteers and experienced river guides. For more information about Grief Gone Wild, call 602.530.6987. Hospice of the Valley is a not-for-profit offering comfort and dignity to patients and families as life nears its end. Grief Gone Wild is funded by proceeds from the CIGNA Health Care of Arizona Pro-Am Golf Tournament, staged by the Southwest Section of PGA America on April 13 at Grayhawk Golf Club.

Daddy's Girl said, I too live in Phoenix AZ and HOV is offering support groups around father's day as well. I believe they are offering the group on the Thursday before Father's Day. Sorry I don't have more info, I threw out the flyer. They have also teamed up with Habitat for humanity to help build houses. Funnyface said, I live in Phoenix Arizona and the HOV is offering a 6 week session called "Daughters without Mothers". I believe that the current class is full but they will be having others. Thank you both for helping to spread the word about HOV's offerings here in the Valley. Make sure that you check our Calendar for dates, times and locations -- just go to the top of the board (where it says Help Search Members Calendar) and click on "Calendar" -- then jump to whatever month you're interested in. (To find the Habitat for Humanity, Mother's Day and Father's Day groups, for example, look at the months of April, May and June. Click on the title of the group on the date that it appears. The Habitat one is on April 29, and it's called "Grief in Action.")

Dear Ones, Attached as a pdf file is an article that appears in the April 11, 2006 issue of Death Care Business Advisor, a publication aimed at funeral directors and cemetery operators (see pages 3, 4, and 5). The article advocates better understanding of how to deal with families grieving the loss of a cherished pet -- hooray! We are making progress! Marty T DCBA1018.pdf

Thank you for that suggestion, Maylissa -- I thought that's what we do here, but then again, I am not the tecchy person here I have alerted Steve G and I know that he will follow up on this. In the meantime, as I said to Paul, I will count on everyone to keep a watchful eye on things and keep me informed. You haven't posted for a while, dear one -- how is your precious kitty? You are in my heart . . . Marty T xoxox

This poem comes to us from Deb Kosmer, Bereavement Support Coordinator for Affinity Visiting Nurses Hospice. In addition to writing poetry, Deb provides grief services to hospice patients, families and other grieving individuals in the Fox Valley in Wisconsin. Her services include grief group facilitation, individual counseling, grief education and support mailings to grieving individuals, families and professionals who work with the grieving, and community presentations on grief and loss. Deb has a bachelor's and a master's degree in Social Work and is currently working towards certification in Thanantology. In January, 1986, Deb's father suffered a massive heart attack and died. Barely three years later, she experienced the accidental deaths of her 14-year-old son (in October, 1989) and her 31-year-old sister (in February, 1989). Her personal losses led her to return to school and to the work she now does. Her grief poems have been published in Grief Magazine, Bereavement Magazine, and The Compassionate Friends national magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone. Deb also writes for the families she works with and for local agency newsletters. She can be reached by e-mail at purplescarf@new.rr.com or toll free at (866) 236-8500. CHILDREN Children aren’t supposed to die…. Certainly not before their parents…. Not before their grandparents Not before the 93 year old lady down the street But they do And hearts are broken Lives forever changed Families shattered. Dreams and Hopes stolen. The death of a child Robs its parents of That which they love most It comes uninvited and Sometimes unannounced Leaving behind Confusion, sadness, and gut wrenching pain. It shatters any once held illusions Of goodness and fairness And being able to protect those we love. And leaves us feeling as though we have failed And angry that it should’ve been us, not them. It leaves us with questions without answers And friends and family who don’t know what to say And with us feeling so alone Struggling to find A reason to stay. By Deb Kosmer, Shawn’s Mom In memory of Shawn Jeremy Schmitz 3/12/75 - 10/25/89

Hi Paul, I've just now deleted the car insurance post -- I just wish I would have spotted it earlier in the day. I'm on this site all day, every day, but sometimes I get caught up in reading or responding in some of the forums, and once in a while I miss these annoying entries. I suppose we've been fortunate up till now -- in our three years with this hosting service, it's only been in the last month that hackers have begun posting here, and I've picked up and deleted four of them so far this month. I have the same problem with my Grief Healing site. It just amazes me that people would come to sites aimed at the bereaved to hawk their products, but I think it's done in some sort of automated way. At times like this, I guess we just need to focus on all that's positive about the Web (such as this site, where we're able to connect with one another in our grief and offer a helping hand to others). If ever you (or any of our other members and visitors) notice a post that needs to be deleted immediately, please feel free to e-mail me or send me a private message, and I will take care of it as quickly as I can. This site belongs to all of us, and I am most grateful for your vigilence. Hugs, Marty T

Tara, dear, I'm so glad you found your way to this kind and caring place, although I'm very sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the death of both your parents. I agree that going to receive your award and following through with your studies is important, provided that you acknowledge that nothing changes the reality that both your parents have died so close together, and your grief will accompany you wherever you go, whether you want it to or not. Grief is extremely powerful and not something we can easily avoid; if we don’t acknowledge what we’ve lost and how we feel about it, we may find ourselves expending enormous energy just trying to keep a lid on it, and often unsuccessfully. We cannot always predict or control the timing of those sudden upsurges of grief, especially when our losses are so recent. Much as we may try to avoid them or ignore them, our various reactions to loss can pop up when we least expect them. They can be triggered by something as simple as a song on the radio, an advertisement in a magazine, or a face in a crowd that reminds us of the person we have lost. If we’ve had little or no prior experience with bereavement, we may be caught off-guard and feel totally unprepared to deal with this when it happens to us. Not knowing what to expect, we find ourselves wondering if our reactions are normal and dreading what may be coming next. But when we’re armed with an understanding of grief, and know what feelings and experiences we can normally expect, we are better able to face the weeks and months ahead more readily. Much as you may want to do so, dear Tara, there is no way to avoid this grief of yours. You cannot wait it out, you cannot postpone it, you won’t simply “get over it,” and nobody else can do your grief work for you. It’s called grief work because it is hard work, and if you put it off, like a messy chore or a sink full of dirty dishes, it will sit there waiting to be done – and the longer it waits, the harder is becomes. I want to suggest that, as you follow through with your plans to pursue your studies over this next year, you also set aside some time to do your grief work. You can do it in pieces, you know – you don’t have to do it all at once! What do I mean by grief work? I mean doing the things you already know how to do: writing, journaling, meditating, dreaming, reading, remembering – but with the intention of paying attention to your grief. Just as you will do with your studies over the next year, set aside some time each day to pay attention to your sorrow at losing both your parents. Experiment with it as you go along, and take it in manageable doses, say for a half-hour each evening, at the end of your day. Just for that specific time-frame, immerse yourself in memories: bring both your parents to mind, talk to them in your mind, remember them and recall or write down your favorite stories about them. As a very wise woman once said, “If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing.” Accept your award in their honor, and dedicate your work to your parents. These are what Thomas Attig calls “sorrow-friendly practices,” and you already know how to do them. Also do some reading about what is normal in grief, so you’ll have a better idea of what you can expect. (See the Articles and Books page on my Grief Healing Web site for suggestions; see also my Death of a Parent page.) Keep reading the messages posted in this and other forums on this very site – there is no better place to learn about grief and all the different reactions to it, as well as ways to manage those reactions. You say you feel lost and cut off from others (another normal feeling in grief!), but you've already met some very experienced and compassionate people right here on this site – and one of the most wonderful things about this online discussion group is that, if you have access to a computer and the Internet, you can take all of us right along with you, wherever you go! Now that you have found us, remember this: You are not alone on this journey, no matter where you are physically, or where your studies and work may take you. We are right here beside you, every step of the way. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

God, Speak To Me The man whispered, “God, speak to me,” and a meadowlark sang, but the man did not hear. So the man yelled, “God, speak to me!” and the thunder rolled across the sky, but the man did not listen. The man looked around and said, “God, let me see you,” and a star shined brightly, but the man did not notice. And the man shouted, “God, show me a miracle!” and a life was born, but the man did not know. So the man cried out in despair, “Touch me, God, and let me know you are here!” whereupon God reached down and touched the man but the man brushed the butterfly away and walked on. -- Author Unknown Taken from the Spring 2006 issue of Wings Eletter Contact: Nan Zastrow at wings1@charter.net or subscribe at www.wingsgrief.org

I don't know if you've taken the time and energy to read through some of the earlier posts in this forum, but I want to be sure that you see this one, because the content of its message applies to you as well. It originally appeared last January: Dear Ones, I am so very sorry that your precious children have died, and of course we can only imagine the depth of your pain. Please know that you are being held in our hearts and that, although we're saddened that you have reason to be here, we are right here beside you, sharing in your pain. I also hope that by reading through the other posts in this forum, you will find that you are not alone in what you are experiencing. I want to share with you some very wise words from a dear friend and fellow bereaved mother, Sandy Goodman, author of Love Never Dies: A Mother’s Journey from Loss to Love: SOME THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW WHEN YOUR CHILD HAS DIED• Grief Waits. If you put it away and try to ignore it, it will simply wait until you have no choice but to experience it. • We grieve as intensely as we love. • There is no "normal" in grieving. • You will never be the same person you were before your loss. • You must make a conscious decision to "get better." • There are no set-in-concrete stages or timelines in grief. • It is typical to feel almost numb for the first few months. When that "fog" lifts, it can be very frightening. Think of it as a wave and ride it out. • Losing a child is "out of order". Talking to and being with other bereaved parents is extremely helpful. • Other people will not understand your grief unless you share it. • It is okay to talk about your child as long as you want. • It is okay to keep their belongings as long as you want. • It is okay to include them in celebrations and special occasions for as long as you want. • "Finding closure" is not a requirement of healing. For parents, it is not even an option. • Even in death . . . love remains. I am so sorry your child has died. I vividly remember the gut wrenching pain of grief. My son was 18 when he was killed in 1996 in an electrical accident. My life changed forever. A year after Jason died, we attended a conference in Philadelphia put on by The Compassionate Friends (TCF). We were not members of their organization, but were welcomed with open arms. For the first time in our grieving, we were able to say what we felt without seeing a look of terror in the eyes of the listener. As you will learn, it is very difficult for anyone to understand the pain of a bereaved parent. It is an unthinkable loss. Had I known about TCF and the other resources herein, immediately following Jason's death, I would have ran to them before taking another breath. Please use this information. Grieving the loss of a child is an incredible amount of work, but there is an incredible amount of support available to you. Reach out, take a hand, and hold on tight. Sincerely, Sandy Goodman sandy@trib.com http://www.loveneverdies.net If you haven’t already done so, I sincerely hope that you will make every effort to contact your local chapter of The Compassionate Friends, whose mission is to assist families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age. To access TCF’s chapter locator, click on http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Chapte...ns/states.shtml You’ll also find links to dozens of other helpful resources on the Death of an Infant / Child / Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

How do I edit my message and remove my email? I just did it for you, Deborah! You can do it yourself by clicking on the EDIT box at the base of your post, then click on "Full Edit" and you'll be able to add or delete anything you like. As for the other issue, we need to wait for Steve G, as I've taken it as far as I know how to do. Please be patient with us, Deborah -- I promise we will get this solved. Hugs, mmt

Is there a way to just let me start from scratch? I've tried but because it has my email address already registered it won't let me start all over. Hi again, Deborah. Since it is a weekend and we haven't heard from SteveG yet, I'm going to go ahead and take a risk by doing the following. As Steve has already told you, we have two Deborahs registered, but one of them did so in May of 2005, and the other did so on March 17, 2006 -- so I am going to assume that you are the most recently registered "Deborah" since you began posting in this forum as a guest right around that same date. I am going to delete the March 17 "Deborah" from our data base, which should open the door for you to "start all over," as you say. Let's see if that works, okay? If not, let me know and we'll go from there. Again, I apologize for the inconvenience and ask that you bear with us until we get this problem solved. Hugs, Marty T

Hi Deborah, I'm so sorry -- I know how confusing all of this techhy stuff can be I've forwarded your post to SteveG via e-mail so he can address your concerns directly, but in the meantime, you might want to re-read the message he posted to you about this same issue several weeks ago. Just click on this link and you'll go right to it: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...st=0entry4256

Dear Ones, I am struck by Shell's observation that "people who have been through it too, maybe a long time ago, seem to forget how it feels," as it reminded me of a wonderful article I read recently in Grief Digest Quarterly Magazine. I've just now placed it in The Latest News forum, under the title, What Is a Compassionate Friend? Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Ones, In this insightful article, Rob Anderson describes what it means to be a compassionate friend to the bereaved. Although he writes from his perspective as a bereaved father (his own son Brendon was murdered on March 16, 1998, at the age of 21), Rob's wise advice applies to all of us, regardless of our relationship to our lost loved ones, and it is of particular importance to those who post here, in our Grief Healing Discussion Groups. If we are far enough along in our own healing that we feel ready to reach out to those who are new on this path, Rob reminds us not to lose touch with the pain we felt in the very beginning of our own grief journey. What Is A Compassionate Friend?The dictionary definition of compassion is, “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to help alleviate the suffering. Friend is defined as “a supporter or sympathizer.” My “heart” definition of a compassionate friend is someone who “gets it” and never, ever forgets it. When our kids die, we’re all takers. We take from anybody who is willing to give to us. Whether it’s the stranger sitting next to us on the airplane, our next door neighbor, or a close family member, we need someone who will compassionately let our hearts bleed over the death of our children. Often the only person who will let us do that is another bereaved parent. We both know what it means to have a broken heart and through that common ground we can help each other to heal. In the beginning our pain is so intense, so all consuming and confusing only someone who has walked that path can understand that type of pain. Only they can understand that being compassionate means not challenging or directing us, but just listening while sharing our story and our healing. In other words, they follow the golden rule of doing unto others as they would have others do unto them. To that I would add, “and do it forever.” The power of a compassionate friend’s empathy in the face of the tornado of agony that is the newly bereaved parent’s life can be critical to their healing. If we, as healing bereaved parents, are willing to step into the role of caregiver for the broken soul of another bereaved parent, it’s important not to lose touch with our pain. Not to lose touch with that kick in the stomach we felt when we first learned of our own child’s death. As our hearts heal, it can be easy to fall into the role of a teacher where we start to advise or pass judgment on how another bereaved parent grieves. We start to “should” them, as in you “should” grieve this way, because it worked for me. The newly bereaved can be scary even to veteran bereaved parents who have lost touch with their pain. If we want to help others heal, we must continue to relate to that instant after our kids died. That feeling is where we find our sameness. The blinding intensity of the pain of a broken heart is where a common bond is forged. In the unconditional love and patience we give to others who are suffering, we give away our greatest healing gift. For those of us who have begun to heal, we need to remember those in our support system who did not leave us, even in our darkest days when we teetered between sanity and insanity. We need to think about those who did not judge or try to direct us, but just listened with a compassionate heart and waited for the person they once knew to return – even if it was just as a shell of that former person. Just as we were all once imbalanced and on the edge, so are many of the newly bereaved we can now support. Even if we think they should be in a better place with their grief because we were feeling better at that same period, our best work is done through our silence, our sharing and our compassion. I think of a support group for a bereaved parent as a hospital for the soul. Just like any good hospital, we don’t turn anyone away. Even if they scare us, even if they make us uncomfortable, we can’t compete with their process and push them away. We take in all the bereaved, we take in all the broken hearts for as long as they need to be with us. Even though we’re uncertified and unlicensed therapists, we can play that role for each other. It can be difficult to sit with a shattered soul and wait patiently for it to find its way again. Just like a tiny child whom we waited patiently to see walk, if we want to be a compassionate friend, we need to also wait patiently until a newly bereaved parent learns to walk in their new life. For those of us who can do it, it’s an honor and a blessing to be able to give away the healing we’ve found. Others gave theirs away to us; others waited for us to return, and we can be compassionate friends by giving away what we know and what we feel. We’re all sick people in the beginning, our hearts and souls poisoned by the death of our kids. When we found our support, it saved our lives, sometimes literally. That’s why if we want to reach out to the newly bereaved, an open, understanding, compassionate and patient heart will let them grieve in the way that’s best for them. I’ve always believed in the concept that we get when we give. If we make our giving about what’s best for someone else, and not about what’s best for us, then we get so much more in return. If we give with no expectation of getting something in return, our souls smile. And when we do get a thank you, or a hug, that’s extra special. Sometimes it’s not easy to wait for a bereaved parent whom we think should be doing better. If we lose patience with their progress, then we’ve lost the ability to be their compassionate friend. Compassion comes from the intangible and sometimes hard-to-live concepts of empathy, kinship and understanding. I guess it comes down to the ability to walk in the shoes of someone else’s experience. If we step out of those shoes, then it’s hard to help them. Just as we would never give up on someone we care about who has a life-threatening disease, we must also never give up on those who are suffering a soul-threatening disease. We needed compassionate friends at the start of our journey, and we can be compassionate friends to those who are new on their path. Love has undeniable power when given with a clear and pure heart, where nothing is expected in return and in a compassionate, caring way. In other words, like a compassionate friend. By Rob Anderson Sugar Grove, Illinois robanderson123@yahoo.com in Grief Digest Quarterly Magazine Volume 2, Issue 3, pp. 23-24

My dear and precious Walt, I, too, know that today, Thursday April 13, is the one-year anniversary of your beloved Jeannie’s death, and because the fresh pain of grief has re-surfaced for you at this time, it probably feels as if you’ve made very little progress. Please know that this too will pass. You have survived one of the most challenging years of your life, Walt. As you well know, it has been (and will continue to be) an endless and difficult journey, but you have come a very long way, and you do not walk alone. I promise you that the intensity of your pain will lessen with the passing of time, and I hope that you will continue to look to your wonderful memories of your dear Jeannie to bring you comfort. I hope, too, that you will also look forward to new opportunities and experiences, recognizing that going on with your life does not lessen in any way the love you have for your beloved Jeannie. Always remember that death may end a life, but it does not end a relationship, and the relationship you have with Jeannie will remain with you as long as you keep her memory alive in your heart, until the very end of time. Just think of how you've helped all of us come to know her as your beautiful and loving wife, as Jeannie lives on right here with us. How very special she must have been to have found such a wonderful man as yourself to be her husband. It has been said that our purpose in life is to discover our gifts -- but the meaning in life is to give them away. In your ability to reach out to others on this site, you've demonstrated to all of us that you have a very special gift of healing. You gave that to your precious Jeannie for many years, and now you are giving it to the rest of us. What better tribute to your Jeannie than this? What better way of honoring her memory? What better legacy for her to have left to you? Please know that, along with all your other companions on this beautiful and compassionate site, I am thinking of you, keeping you in my prayers and holding you in my heart at this sad and difficult time. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Ones, This invitation comes from one of my Self-Healing Expressions colleagues, Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway and her husband, Rev. Vic Furhman, who are in the process of writing a special book for animal lovers: Are you a pet lover who considers your relationship to your pet(s) sacred and spiritual? Do you count your furry, fishy or flying friends as part of the family? Are there any special family events, experiences, prayers or blessings, that you share with your animals? Or is there a special way you have remembered a lost pet? If so, all faith ministers Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway and Rev. Vic Fuhrman would love to hear about your special rituals and stories related to your pets for possible inclusion in their new book. The book is in part inspired by Kismet, the dog they rescued from Hurricane Katrina when their son spotted her and fell in love. They are writing about ALL pets -- dogs, cats, birds, fish, ferrets, etc. While the book will focus in part on pet loss, it also celebrates the times we've shared with our animals. If you would like to participate, please drop Rev. Laurie Sue an e-mail by April 22, at RevLaurieSue@WeddingGoddess.com.

My dear Walt, Last Wednesday you said, "I promised Jeannie that I would try to survive for a year - that year is almost up." On Friday, you told us that "My problem is that I don't want to live any longer without Jeannie. I have tried for almost a year and there does not seem to be any improvement." I wonder if you realize, Walt, what a valuable member you have been to the people on this site? Do you know that you have left an important and helpful message in this forum on the average of every other day (150 posts to date) for the last eleven months? In the course of your time here with us, you have discovered and provided links to six other very helpful sites, four excellent books, and 33 beautiful and comforting songs. You have shared with us over two dozen inspiring poems. I know, because I went through every single one of your posts today, and I added them up! Here is a sample of your own wisdom that you've acquired along your own grief journey, which you've been generous enough to share with others: Walt's Wisdom June 22, 2005: It is truly helpful to have a friend on this journey . . . all we can do is take one day/step at a time and hopefully accommodate (not "get over") our loss. June 25: I don't pretend to be a poet - but it helps a little to write of my loss. July 2: (To ustwo) You have an absolute right to feel such pain and any other emotion. Don't let anyone try to deprive you of that right. You also don't have to be strong regardless of what well meaning others may tell you . . . You will never "get over" this grief, but hopefully you will come to accomodate it in time. The amount of time varies for us all. It's been 11 weeks for me and I still don't see any end in sight. But, like you I take life one day at a time. There's nothing else that we can do. As long as we are alive there is some hope for us. (To another member who is a nurse) I am glad to know that you have come to terms with his death, but I understand that doesn't take away the pain. Half of your life is gone and it will take some time to accommodate such a significant loss. Life will move forward and the fact that we live on means there is hope that we can find some purpose in life. The fact that you are a nurse tells me that you do have a noble purpose and can bring comfort to others. In fact, now that you are experiencing such a deep personal loss, you will be able to be even more understanding of the needs of the spouses of your patients. I realize that you would much prefer not to have this painful experience, but it will help you I am sure. There is no need to feel bad or weak or abnormal if we still feel the pain of our loss when others feel we should “get over it”. There is “no need to apologize if after many months we are still finding grief a major pre-occupation.” And there is nothing to be ashamed of if a special memory of our loved one reduces us to tears a very long time after our loss. My daughter has been a great comfort to me in these devastating times. It's good to be able to cry and have someone understand your grief. July 3: Jean and I used to discuss this point [that] she wants me to be "happy" after her death, but I told her I could NEVER be happy without her but would "carry on" for the children's sake . . . Like you, I will also go on, mainly because Jean wants me to. Death has parted us physically but will not take her presence away from me. July 9: All we can do is take one moment at a time . . . remember your loved one who has physically left would want us to carry on until we can meet again. July 12: I agree with you that time will never take away this pain that we suffer. I don't expect it to leave ever, but somehow we have to deal with it - that's what our partners want. August 4: I realize that we will all take a different length of time to accommodate our loss and move on to a more positive outlook that our spouses would want us to do. I have been told by others that until I want to move on I will never be able to do so. My background training in Psychology and my career in management training and Personnel (HR) work tells me that is true . . . there is a small percentage of grievers who don't try to move forward. If they don't try, then they, like me, are doomed to a life of misery. August 13: Quoting from Healing after Loss, "If I cannot believe it now, I can hold out hope that in time my lost love will be a continuing blessed presence in my life." September 1: I only hope that I can learn to accept what Jeannie would want September 11: Sometimes by helping others with their grief and loneliness we can also get some relief for ourselves. September 17: Hang on - it's a tough road that we are on together with some very rough spots. There are others here who have survived, but there will be regressions. September 18: Without this great site and people like yourself, ustwo, spela and others I wonder if I would have survived as long as I have since my dearest Jean died. Monday will be our 41st wedding anniversary and I just don't know how I will get by that day - but I know that I will because of the support that I get here. September 23: I have accepted the fact that she is no longer physically present. But she still lives in my heart and mind and always will. Does this mean that I will never be "happy" again? Probably, but I have Jeannie for company and good friends here also to help me survive . . . I certainly don't want to say Goodbye to anyone here. September 25: Since my Jeannie died I have really come to appreciate butterflies. I will miss them over the winter months. Unlike some others I just don't have the desire to move on with life. I am happy for those who can do so. I know that if I don't try I will not succeed . . . September 27: All that keeps me "going" at all some days is reminding myself that Jeannie told me to do so. I usually do what she asks me to do and I must respect her wishes . . . October 2: All I know from my own experience is that the more loss we feel the more grateful we should be for whoever it was we had to lose. It means we had someone worth grieving for . . . Saddened as I am by loss, my heart lifts in gratitude for the richness Jeannie has brought to my life. October 18: We should always remember that when our spouse died part of us died too, BUT also remember that because you have survived and live on, part of your beloved spouse lives on also October 19: Your friends here are with you in spirit today to hold your hand and give you hugs if you need them. October 20: Gradually it does get just a little easier to survive as each day goes by. October 22: "...when we let ourselves brood about past events or think about the future times when we shall miss our loved one so sharply, then we are in real trouble! The past - as we know only too well is over. The future is unknowable. So, as much as we are able, let's limit our concerns to this day only" That's good advice in my opinion. October 27: All you can do is take one breath at a time, then one hour at a time, one day and then one week. I can hardly recall how I functioned at all in the first few weeks of my loss, but I did find some good support here and at other sites also. October 28: Don't let anyone rush you to "move on" too soon. We have to go through the hard work of grief, we can't go around it. I went to the gravesite and talked with Jeannie every day for the first two months. Now it's only every other day. October 29: I will survive with the help of caring people like yourself IF I let them help and don't turn them off with a lot of "yes, buts." I keep trying because I know that Jeannie wants me to and because of the appreciative folk here. October 30: For myself, joining Jeannie can't happen too soon, but I will not take any action to shorten the time. I wouldn't want my Jeannie to be upset that I didn't follow her wishes. I really don't know why we were left behind, but if we can help someone else by sharing maybe that's why. November 3: Today's reading from Martha Hickman's Healing After Loss reminded me to say Thank You to all here for sharing this journey of grief with me: "We never stop loving the one who is gone, and we will help our own healing and enhance the lives of others if, in some way, we open our arms to someone in need." Thank You so much for sharing - it does help! November 6: There are thousands of leaves out there waiting to be raked. These leaves are mainly gold, with a few brown ones and even fewer red ones. As I began raking I thought of the gold leaves as pleasant memories of the past and the brown leaves as some of the adversaries that Jean and I overcame together. The few remaining red ones represent the bad times and sorrows that we shared . . . I forgot how many good memories I have. There are enough Gold Leaves out there to rake up and enjoy for quite a while . . . In the front yard I could cover the brown, red and black leaves with the Gold ones. I hope I can do the same with these memories. November 9: Just by being here and sharing you have been a support for me and others . . . You make my journey less lonely and easier to bear with someone who shares and cares. November 16: [After our site was down for a week] We don't really appreciate some things until we lose them do we? It's good to have this site back up and running so we can share our feelings with others who really care. November 21: I am so thankful for the good and supportive friends that I have met here. November 24: With your continuing support and understanding I will survive and hopefully be able to give similar support to others. November 30: I really love you all and appreciate the help and comfort that you have provided. I just do not have the courage that you speak of right now, but who knows maybe Jeannie will talk to me and tell me to smarten up. She was never one to have any self-pity even though she suffered a lot in the last year of her precious life. December 26: I never thought that I would make it this far. Certainly the wonderful folk here like Kayc and Spela and Evelyn and Charlie and John and others have been a HUGE factor in making this "life after Jean" more bearable . . . This site has been a true "life-saver" for me so I share your thoughts about everyone here who takes the time to share and comfort others in pain. Thank You for sharing and caring! January 2, 2006: As I think back to last year when a large part of me died with the loss of my Jeannie to cancer I wonder how I have survived this long. Without a doubt the support that I have found here and other similar groups has played a BIG role in that survival. January 7: I certainly regret that my Jeannie died last April, BUT there’s nothing I can do to change that horrible FACT. So the best that I can do is to honour her memory EVERY day for the rest of my life and NEVER forget our everlasting love for each other. January 19: Who knows what 7 months from now will bring - we can't know that either. All we can do is take one day at a time and do our best to keep the good memories of our loved one alive. I know that it is difficult to find a purpose to continue on this journey of grief, but please know that your posts here do help others. February 4: I'm sorry that you're hurting so desperately right now. I know how painful the seconds, and minutes, and days can be, how long the nights are. I understand how very hard hanging on is, and how much courage it takes. I ask though that you hold onto one day at a time. February 8: The heart does go on! Love lasts for our lifetime and never stops. Someday we will be once again with our Gene and Jean. They are here with us in our hearts and that's why we can go on. February 20: Perhaps he just doesn't want you or your daughters to see him cry. It's not easy being a father/grandfather and to be crying in front of your children - even though you know in your heart that they understand. It's still so early in his journey of grief. We all move at our own pace. Please continue to be patient and know that it will get a little easier as time goes on. March 15: Hold On Friends - Hold On! I have found that this is one great place to visit often. The support and understanding that I have found here has helped me get thru the past 11 months . . . I agree that we have learned a lot on this journey - one trip which we would prefer not to take. While pain is indeed one constant, it is bearable because we can remember the love that we shared and which continues forever. March 22: I am so glad that I found this great little book! And I am also grateful that I found this site and cyber-met so many wonderful people who understand this journey. I took the time to assemble all these quotations, Walt, because I think they do show incredible growth and insight. Over the last 11 months, you have become an expert in the process of mourning, and you've shown yourself to be a sincere, caring, compassionate guide for all of us who are walking the same path with you. I know you didn't ask for any of this, Walt, and I know that if you had a choice, you would not be on this path at all. But you are here, and somehow you've managed to make the most of it, just as your beloved Jeannie wants you to do. Listen to your own words, Walt, and take them to heart. Hold on! Stay the course! Keep on keeping on. We need you here with us. What would we do without you? Wishing you peace and healing (and butterflies), Marty T

Dear Cynthia, You say that you’ve not seen your dad for almost a year, you know that he may be dying, you feel as if you’ve already said goodbye to him, and you’re not sure if you have the strength to see him again. I’m not sure what sort of relationship you have with your dad or how you feel about him, but I agree with Maylissa and Shell that if there is anything left unspoken between you and your father, if there is any unfinished business between the two of you, this is the time to address it. Ask yourself how you want to feel when you look back upon this time remaining before your father dies. What can you do now that will later bring you comfort and peace? In addition to the excellent book that Maylissa and Shell have recommended, I want to suggest The Four Things that Matter Most: A Book about Living, by Ira Byock. By clicking on the title, you can read Amazon’s description and reviews of the book, and here is an excerpt that appears on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: Please forgive me.I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. These four simple statements are powerful tools for improving your relationships and your life. As a doctor caring for seriously ill patients for nearly 15 years of emergency medicine practice and more than 25 years in hospice and palliative care, I have taught hundreds of patients who were facing life's end, when suffering can be profound, to say The Four Things. But the Four Things apply at any time. Comprising just eleven words, these four short sentences carry the core wisdom of what people who are dying have taught me about what matters most in life . . . We are all sons and daughters, whether we are six years of age or ninety-six. Even the most loving parent-child relationship can feel forever incomplete if your mother or father dies without having explicitly expressed affection for you or without having acknowledged past tensions. I've learned from my patients and their families about the painful regret that comes from not speaking these most basic feelings. Again and again, I've witnessed the value of stating the obvious. When you love someone, it is never too soon to say, "I love you," or premature to say, "Thank you," "I forgive you," or "Will you please forgive me?" When there is nothing of profound importance left unsaid, relationships tend to take on an aspect of celebration, as they should . . . Because accidents and sudden illness do happen, it is never too soon to express forgiveness, to say thank you and I love you to the people who have been an integral or intimate part of our lives, and to say good-bye is a blessing. These simple words hold essential wisdom for transforming that which matters most in our lives -- our relationships with the people we love. -- from The Four Things That Matter Most : A Book About Living © 2004 by Ira Byock, M.D. Free Press, New York

For Shell and Maylissa (and any other animal lovers who may be interested), On March 15, in our Behaviors in Bereavement forum, Maylissa wrote, I've also been saving any fur I groom out, plus whatever she pulls out, over the years....I learned this lesson after her brother died as I have so little of his fur. There's even a woman here somewhere who will knit something for you from your baby's fur, if you have enough...something to consider. In response to Maylissa, on March 16 Shell wrote, I learned that lesson too...about saving fur. I also have a jar full of whiskers they have shed, of all my babies over the years. I swear, if I could only take one thing out of my house and had to give everything else away, it would be the fur and whiskers. I've never heard of anyone knitting things out of the fur. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the practice of saving hair and whiskers from your beloved kitties. When I lost my precious little cockapoo Muffin several years ago, I didn’t know enough to save anything that had been a part of him. I realized after we had buried his body that, except for his red collar, we had nothing to remember him by. That all changed when my husband and I were finally ready to give our hearts to another dog. Over the last ten years, ever since our darling Tibetan terrier Beringer came into our lives, I’ve saved every one of his baby teeth, every rabies and dog license tag, every collar he’s had since he was a puppy. I keep all these treasures in a special wooden Beringer Box that sits on a bookshelf in my office, because I know that one day, when our beloved Beringer is no longer with us physically, these "connecting objects" will bring me comfort. Last year we visited a dear friend in Nebraska who raises llamas. Among other things, she showed me how she collects and cleans the wool from these special animals, as she prepares it to be sent away to a person who will spin it into yarn for her. I decided then and there that each night when I brush and groom Beringer, I would save whatever hair I collect from him, until one day I have enough to send to someone who will spin it into yarn for me. I later discovered that there are many sites on the Internet dealing with making handspun yarn from your pet’s hair, and someone has even written a book on the subject! Most of the sites I found refer to spinning dog hair, but I'm sure the methods would apply to cat hair, too. Here are just a few of the sites I found: Woofspun Dog Hair Yarn Knitting with Dog Hair Tips on Spinning Cat Hair Cat Hair Padded Jacket Monkey Filter Pet Yarn Pet Hair Yarn Crafts Elliphantom Knits: Shetland Yarn Dog Hair Yarn Custom Spinning Using Your Dog’s Hair Handspinning Dog Hair

My dear John, Your hummingbird story is heart-warming, and is yet another example of what author Karla Wheeler describes as "comforting coincidences" in her book, Afterglow: Signs of Continuing Love. It also reminds me of the experiences Joel Rothschild writes about in his wonderful book, Signals. With your beautiful mind and your lovely gift for writing, I'm wondering when we'll be recommending the book that you have written! Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Beth, I’m so sorry to read of this awful incident with your cat, which was obviously quite frightening for you. I don’t know if this was your first experience with having a cat as a pet, or how much you already know about normal cat behavior, and I am certainly not here to pass judgment on what you did or did not do in this difficult situation. Rather, I’m here to offer information, comfort and support, and it is in that spirit that I’m writing this response. Since you’ve already relinquished your kitty, some of what I’m about to say may come too late for you, but I’m offering it in hopes that it will help you (and others who may be reading this) to identify and sort through what happened here, discover what you might have done differently, and better understand why you’re feeling so upset about it now. You know far better than I what resources you have and how much time you are willing and able to invest in seeking alternative solutions, and only you are in a position to decide these matters. I just want to be sure you are aware that you do, in fact, have some alternatives. Relinquishment is always a choice an animal lover can make, once you have tried other measures first. I am not an expert in animal behavior, and I don't know how attached you were to this cat, but if this were my pet I would want an outside, professional and objective opinion before I'd resort to giving up my cat permanently because of a behavior problem. We are fortunate that nowadays there are dozens of magazine articles, books and Web sites to help us better understand what is normal behavior in a companion animal such as a cat or a dog, and what can be done to diagnose, address, alter or eliminate bothersome or aggressive behavior in them. Sometimes aggressive behavior in animals is caused by a physical problem, which ought to be ruled out after a thorough examination by a qualified veterinarian. If the cause is determined to be emotional or psychological, there are specialists in animal behavior and/or obedience training who can suggest some alternatives in dealing with our pet’s troublesome behavior. Here, for example, is one veterinarian’s observations about aggressive behavior in cats: Ankle biting and sudden attacks are most often associated with predatory aggression. Cats have a strong natural desire to hunt. Inside the house, there isn't much to satisfy this desire. Mice, grasshoppers and other attractive prey are scarce indoors, so they have to make do with what they have – ankles and other moving body parts of their human companions. In some cases it is possible to provide a more appropriate toy to satisfy the predatory urge. Toys that work are furry balls on a string, wand, or attached to a small fishing rod for efficient "casting" and interesting motion as it is reeled in. A radio controlled car may work to exercise cats who are not afraid of them. Some people just tie a toy on a string to their belt to provide a better target then their ankles. This also provides a lot of exercise which is a good release of the pent up energy in many kittens. Most cats will outgrow this behavior by the time they are a couple of years old and are much better if given alternatives objects to attack and sufficient exercise. . If your cat doesn't respond to this, it might be a good idea to consult with a certified animal behaviorist to make sure that predatory behavior is the problem . . . If you live in area in which a veterinary behaviorist practices (usually big metropolitan areas or near veterinary colleges) it would be worthwhile to consult with a behaviorist. Extreme aggression directed towards people is best treated by someone who can evaluate the possible physical causes and who is familiar with the possible psychological problems as well. Physical causes include problems such as chronic pain, ischemic damage in the brain and some neurologic defects. Psychological problems include extreme anxiety, redirected aggression, fear and several other potential problems. If a cause can be identified, either physical or psychological it is easier to predict whether or not treatment will be beneficial and obviously easier to choose the treatment plan most likely to work. [source: Mike Richards, DVM, Ask Dr. Mike, www.vetinfo.com] See also: Dealing with Aggressive Behavior in Your Cat Cat Aggression and Socialization Understanding Cat Aggression toward People Explaining Cat Aggression toward People I don't know whether you'd be willing to try any or all of these things, Beth – I'm just offering them as intermediate steps you might have considered. My only point is that today we know a lot more about what we can do to make certain that the cat or kitten we've selected will grow into a loving, well adjusted companion. There are many modern, humane training methods to address almost any problem behavior found in pets. You might visit this Web site for further information: ABS Directory of Certified Applied Animal Behaviorists You say that "the sadness and pain and grief are enormous." I can also tell you that the impact this is having on you now depends on how attached you are to your cat and on how effectively you identify and work through what you are experiencing, including whatever guilt you may be feeling about all of this. When we are closely bonded with an animal, losing it through relinquishment doesn't feel much different from losing it through death, so I think you will find the articles on the Articles and Books page of my Grief Healing Web site helpful, as well as those you’ll find on my Pet Loss Articles page. I think you'll be especially interested in Am I Crazy to Feel So Sad about This? Animal Loss: Myths and Realities Loss and the Burden of Guilt I hope this information proves helpful to you, Beth. I know it must have been hard for you to share your story with us, and regardless of whatever you decide to do, we wish you all the best. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Ones, I've alerted Steve G to your difficulties. Please bear with us until we get an answer. We are working on it!

Dear friend, I hope our members and visitors will share some of their stories with you here, but in the meantime it may comfort you to know that many, many others who grieve have had experiences similar to yours. Author Karla Wheeler refers to such important moments as “comforting coincidences,” which she has gathered from many sources and compiled into an uplifting book, Afterglow: Signs of Continued Love. Her publisher describes the author and her book as follows: Author Karla Wheeler thought she was an expert in grief, having served as a volunteer bereavement counselor as part of her longtime hospice volunteer work. But when her father and father-in-law died just four weeks apart — each of a different lingering illness — Wheeler realized there are no experts when it comes to grief. A woman of deep faith, she longed for a sign from her two dear Dads that their love was still alive. Readers of her newspaper columns, published across North America, were touched by Wheeler’s examples of comforting coincidences and began sharing their own similar experiences. Hence, a compilation of such stories, written from the heart, to help heal grieving hearts everywhere. Afterglow: Signs of Continued Love brings comfort to anyone who is grieving the death of someone dear. Whether your special person died last week or last decade, you might find yourself yearning for a sign that their love continues to shine. Be assured that you are not alone. Countless others understand the depths of your loss and the intensity of your longings. Among them are the bereaved mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, and others whose stories appear on these pages. These grieving men and women — regardless of their religious beliefs or lack thereof — each experienced a comforting coincidence, a sign of continued love after death. An unexpected rainbow, an eagle soaring high, a shiny nickel in the sand... such experiences brought them comfort during their darkest days. They share their stories with you in the hope of easing the way for you as you also journey along that sacred path known as grief. The publisher invites those who’ve experienced a comforting coincidence following the death of someone dear to share their own story, for a future edition of their Afterglow book or one of their booklets. You can mail your story to Quality of Life Publishing Co., P.O. Box 112050, Naples, FL 34108-1929; Fax to: 1-239-513-0088; E-mail to: afterglow@QoLpublishing.com. They’ll accept a rough draft or even an outline, as they are “more interested in the ‘heart’ of your story than in the manner of your writing/editing.” If you prefer telling your story to writing it, you can telephone them toll-free in the U.S. and Canada, at 1-877-513-0099. Or, call 1-239-513-9907.

My dear Paul, Your lovely post describing your feelings about your parents’ home now being occupied by another family (and your beautiful prayer for the new family) reminded me of a poem my mother read to me when I was a child. We were about to move away from our first home, a big old stone house that I knew my mother really loved, and I think it was her way of helping me accept the idea of turning our beloved house over to another family because, as my mother explained to me, "there is nothing sadder than a house with nobody in it." I’ve moved many times since then, but this poem has helped me to say “good-bye” to all the homes I’ve known and loved. Perhaps it will help you, too: The House with Nobody in It, by Joyce Kilmer Whenever I walk to Suffern along the Erie track I go by a poor old farmhouse with its shingles broken and black. I suppose I've passed it a hundred times, but I always stop for a minute And look at the house, the tragic house, the house with nobody in it. I never have seen a haunted house, but I hear there are such things; That they hold the talk of spirits, their mirth and sorrowings. I know this house isn't haunted, and I wish it were, I do; For it wouldn't be so lonely if it had a ghost or two. This house on the road to Suffern needs a dozen panes of glass, And somebody ought to weed the walk and take a scythe to the grass. It needs new paint and shingles, and the vines should be trimmed and tied; But what it needs the most of all is some people living inside. If I had a lot of money and all my debts were paid I'd put a gang of men to work with brush and saw and spade. I'd buy that place and fix it up the way it used to be And I'd find some people who wanted a home and give it to them free. Now, a new house standing empty, with staring window and door, Looks idle, perhaps, and foolish, like a hat on its block in the store. But there's nothing mournful about it; it cannot be sad and lone For the lack of something within it that it has never known. But a house that has done what a house should do, a house that has sheltered life, That has put its loving wooden arms around a man and his wife, A house that has echoed a baby's laugh and held up his stumbling feet, Is the saddest sight, when it's left alone, that ever your eyes could meet. So whenever I go to Suffern along the Erie track I never go by the empty house without stopping and looking back, Yet it hurts me to look at the crumbling roof and the shutters fallen apart, For I can't help thinking the poor old house is a house with a broken heart.