MartyT

Dear Friend, One way to help your husband (and others) understand is to find an article or two that closely captures what you may be feeling and needing from him, then to ask him (or them) to read it. You’ll find links to several such articles, books and Web sites on the Helping Someone Who’s Grieving page of my Grief Healing Web site. Another suggestion is to print out the following message (which I’ve also included as an attached file below): My Dear Family and Friends, I have experienced a loss that is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the grief I am having because of this loss. I will cry more than usual for some time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or a lack of hope or faith. They are the symbols of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am recovering. I may become angry without there seeming to be a reason for it. My emotions are all heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times. I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else. If you don’t know what to say, just touch me or give me a hug to let me know you care. Please don’t wait for me to call you. I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for the help I need. Don’t allow me to withdraw from you. I need you more than ever during the next year. Pray for me only if your prayer is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith is not an excuse from the process of grief. If you, by chance, have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel worse. This loss is the worst thing that could happen to me. But, I will get through it and I will live again. I will not always feel as I do now. I will laugh again. Thank you for caring about me. Your concern is a gift I will always treasure. Sincerely, MyDearFamilyAndFriends.doc

Dear Lori, Regarding your questions about taking medication: Shell and your counselor are right, in the sense that certain kinds of medication, when properly handled, can be a very helpful short-term intervention that can get you over a very difficult period. Consider how much time and energy you’re spending worrying about your symptoms (insomnia, anxiety, depression) and what is going on in your life right now (missing and mourning the loss of your mom, worrying about Spanky’s serious illness and limited life span, wondering what’s going on with your abnormal blood values, etc.) and how successful you are in keeping yourself on an even keel. If you’ve tried other things that are not working for you (alternatives such as relaxation, guided imagery, physical exercise, meditation, prayer, ritual, etc.), then it may be time to consider taking medication. The most important thing is for you to be referred to and evaluated by a good consulting psychiatrist, neurologist or other medical expert who is knowledgeable about psychopharmacology and knows the difference between normal grief and clinical depression and anxiety, so that whatever medication is prescribed for you isn’t too much or too little, or something that is inappropriate or addictive. Given your interest in After Death Communication (ADC), I want to share with you and others the following announcement I’ve just received from Sandy Goodman (dear friend, bereaved mother and outstanding writer), whose wonderful articles and poetry have appeared here in our forums from time to time: Please join Ocallah, Spiritual Medium (http://www.ocallah.com ) and Sandy, author of the book, Love Never Dies: A Mother's Journey from Loss to Love (http://www.loveneverdies.net) in a live chat on Friday, September 22, 2006 at 7:00 P.M. Eastern time, in the chat room at http://www.spiritspace.net Ocallah and Sandy will be answering ~ and posing ~ questions about life after death and the immortality of love. AND ~ if spirit chooses, Ocallah may also do a few readings. Hope to see you there!

My dear Judith, I'm so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved Yorkie mix Molly, and I understand completely the depth of your sorrow. The pain you are feeling now is a normal reaction to losing the one you loved so dearly, and a measure of the strength of the bond you shared with your dearest friend. Since the two of you were inseparable for the time Molly was in your life, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to let her go, and how empty your home must seem now, without your faithful companion beside you. These dear little dogs have a way of weaving their way into the very fabric of our daily lives, and the love they give to us is absolutely unconditional and irreplaceable. I understand that Molly’s throat condition was one that could not be fixed, and I'm sure you would have done anything to prolong her life if you could have. Making the euthanasia decision for our cherished companion animals is one of the most difficult things we ever have to do, and I know this must have been terribly hard for you. Yet I'm sure your precious baby knew how very much you loved her, and I have a feeling that she would have understood that this was your final act of love for her. I don't know if you've ever spent any time on my Grief Healing Web site, but if you go to my Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page, I think you will appreciate many of the writings you'll find there and maybe find them helpful. See especially Rita Reynolds' beautiful piece, Euthanasia: The Merciful Release. I hope, too, that you will give yourself permission to mourn this loss and to experience your grief for Molly as legitimate and real. Unfortunately many people tend to underestimate the pain of losing a cherished pet, but you won’t find people like that in this particular forum. Here you are surrounded by devoted animal lovers like yourself, who respect and understand the human-animal bond. Here you don't have to explain why you are feeling as you are. We all recognize the depth of your sorrow and your pain, because we have been there, too. Besides, only you know what this precious little dog meant to you, and only you can measure just how very much you have lost. Sometimes it's useful just to do some reading about this different kind of grief, as it helps you to feel less hopeless, "crazy" and alone. Spend some time reading through some of the topics listed in this Loss of a Pet forum. See also these articles, which I think you'll find especially relevant and helpful: Coping with Pet Loss: Am I crazy to Feel So Sad about This? When Pet Loss Feels Worse than Death of a Relative Links to much of what I've written about pet loss are listed on the Articles and Books page of my Grief Healing Web site; see also my Pet Loss Links Page, and click on the category labeled PET LOSS ARTICLES.) No one can take your pain away at this sad and difficult time, Judith, but I can assure you that you are not alone. Please know that all of us are thinking of you and holding you in gentle thought and prayer. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Lara, I share in your sorrow at the loss of your beloved Dookie. You'll be glad to know that many articles, books and Web sites are devoted to the topic of whether we will be reunited with our cherished animal companions one day. Here are just a few of them: Article, Do Pets Go to Heaven? Article, The Journey Article, Word from The Other Side Article, Grieving the Loss of a Beloved Animal Companion Book, Dogs Have Souls, Too Rainbow Bridge (Flash Animation) Web Site: Will My Pet Go to Heaven?

My dear Shelley, The gratitude is all mine, I can assure you. I do not doubt for a moment that, were it not for all the kind, compassionate, generous, warm-hearted and loving people who feel so connected to this site and share themselves so freely with one another each and every day, we would not have the safe and sacred space we've all created here for ourselves. I find that being here among you nourishes my soul and makes my heart sing, as I hope it does your own

Those who are drawn to this forum may be interested in these pages on my Grief Healing Web site: Comfort for Grieving Hearts Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

Dear Serl, I don't know if you've had an opportunity to read through some of the other messages posted in this forum, but I think you may find this thread especially relevant and helpful: I Miss My Best Friend, My Dog See also the inspiring pieces on Rita Reynolds' Web site: From the Other Side Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Nope -- just a very human one who's trying her very best.

Kathy, dear, Point to ponder: To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you feel guilty without your consent. Your mom cannot "make" you feel guilty, any more than you can "make" your mom understand your position about how you choose to celebrate your birthday (or not). Sometimes the disapproval of others is the price we pay for doing what we think is right for us, and you alone must decide whether that price is right for you.

My dear Ann, You are a very wise lady, and you have my deepest admiration and respect. It takes great courage to follow your own good instincts, most especially when you are being told by a "professional counselor" something that intuitively feels so "wrong" to you. It sounds to me as if your counselor was of the "old school" -- using what one researcher describes as the "classical" rather than the "postmodern" approach to grief counseling: Visually, the classical approach to interventions is more linear in its conception of the grief process, while the postmodern approach seems more spirallike in its direction. The postmodern approach encourages therapists to help the bereaved to construct meaning from their experience of loss and to find new ways to “be” in their daily world, given their loss. This approach moves away from the phase-oriented classical approach to one in which the grief process is individualized for each person, with no time limits for the process to unfold. Both approaches suggest the importance of helping the bereaved partner to review his or her past relationship with the deceased. However, the classical approach conceives of the purpose of doing so as helping the bereaved to relinquish their ties with the deceased, while the postmodern approach views this exploration of the past relationship as an opportunity to transform the relationship, so that memories and thoughts of the deceased can enhance the bereaved’s ability to function. [p. 245] In the postmodern approach to grief, there is skepticism about the concept of closure, since there are serious questions about whether people ever “recover” from a loss. This gives the clinician permission to allow the bereaved partner to work on his or her grief, regardless of the amount of time that has elapsed since the death of the partner. This approach to grief encourages “circularity” rather than “closure” and frees the bereaved partner to experience feelings and thoughts about the deceased partner at any point in his or her life. A circular approach can normalize, for bereaved partners, the ongoing or intermittent painful feelings about their loss, which friends, relatives, and society tend to believe should be worked through to a point of closure. Perhaps this need for closure is related to our society’s tendency to deny the process of death and to discourage people from discussing death and all its ramifications. [p. 251] [source: The Loss of a Life Partner: Narratives of the Bereaved, by Carolyn Ambler Walter, 2003]

Hi Shelley, If you'd "love to learn about grief," I'd like you and all our members and visitors to know that, in addition to the links already mentioned, you will find a vast array of categorized links to dozens of resources (articles, books, Web sites) on the Site Map page of my Grief Healing Web site. Find them either by going to the "master" list that appears on the Human Loss Links page, or by going to the page that corresponds to your individual type of loss: GENERAL BEREAVEMENT RESOURCES DEATH OF AN INFANT, CHILD OR GRANDCHILD DEATH OF A SPOUSE / PARTNER DEATH OF A PARENT DEATH OF A SIBLING / TWIN DEATH OF A CO-WORKER / GRIEF AT WORK DEATH OF A FRIEND CHILD / ADOLESCENT GRIEF SUICIDE LOSS JOB LOSS TRAUMATIC LOSS DEATH OF A RELATIONSHIP DISABILITY ADDICTION DEATH THAT BRINGS RELIEF COUNSELING / SUPPORT ALTERNATIVE HEALING HELPING SOMEONE WHO'S GRIEVING CARE GIVING CARE GIVING: CLINICIANS MEMORIALS / FUNERALS / RITUALS ARTICLES ON COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS ARTICLES BY MARTY TOUSLEY ARTICLES BY OTHER AUTHORS BOOKS / RESOURCES FILMS / VIDEOS POETRY / MUSIC / FLASH ANIMATION MAGAZINES, NEWSLETTERS, OTHER ORGANIZATIONS, DIRECTORIES, INFORMATION

Dear Ones, In my efforts to piece together exactly what happened to our site last week, I’ve learned that Invision Power Board (the company that developed this Grief Healing Discussion Groups message board for Hospice of the Valley) experienced a “crash of its hardware” last Thursday morning. IPB has since moved its accounts to a new server, which explains why our site was offline and unavailable to us for some 36 hours, until it was finally restored late last Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, I've just been informed that the messages that were posted last week between the evening of Tuesday August 15 and the morning of Thursday August 17 (which I've been inquiring about ever since) are forever lost – although I’m still trying to find out why. I am just as frustrated, disappointed and upset about this as each of you must be, as I know how much effort I put into composing my own posts and I know that many of you do the same. I can only tell you what I have learned from this experience. From now on, whenever I construct a post, I will do so in one of my word processing programs (Word or Word Perfect), save it as a file on my own computer, then cut and paste it into the posting form on the GH Discussion Groups site. Similarly, when I want to keep a certain message posted by someone else, I will copy and paste it to my clipboard and save it in my personal files. (If any of our members has figured out a better way, please do share it with the rest of us!) As I think back on some of the posts I know are missing, I wonder if you’d help me by recalling for one another – and reconstructing as much as possible – some of what we’ve lost. For example, I know that one of our members posted a message about guided imagery and how helpful it has been for her; she highly recommended Belleruth Naparstek’s excellent CD, A Meditation to Ease Grief. In response, I referred our readers to Belleruth’s Health Journeys Web site and let everyone know that this CD is available for purchase there – as well as from Amazon. I also referred this member to an earlier discussion we’d had about the topic of guided imagery in one of our forums: Behaviors in Bereavement / Topic: Anxiety. (It just so happens that Belleruth Naparstek will be in Phoenix this weekend, presenting a workshop entitled Breakthroughs in Healing Trauma: Success through Guided Imagery and the New Therapies. I look forward to meeting Belleruth and sharing with you whatever I learn!) I also recall another member mentioning the work of Christine Duminiak, author of the inspiring and comforting book, God’s Gift of Love: After-Death Communications. I want you all to know that earlier this week I received a notice that Christine will be presenting a workshop in Philadelphia on Saturday, October 21, 2006 entitled Bridges To Heaven--For Those Who Grieve: An After-Death Communication Event. Seminar and readings from 10 a.m. till 4 p.m. Further information is available online at http://www.christineduminiak.com/events.html or you can call (215) 604-0469. Again, I am deeply sorry for the interruption in service that occurred last week, as I know how much this site means to each of us and how much we've all come to depend upon it. I also recognize that this inaccessibility represented yet another loss, and that is the last thing I would wish for any of us.

Welcome, Dana! I'm sooooo glad you found your way to our site, and I hope our members will find their way to yours, too! Fondly, Marty P.S. My sincere thanks to our dear Maylissa, whose post about Dana's insightful article led to my discovering Dana's outstanding Pet Loss Help Blog on Laurel Lagoni's wonderful Pet People Help Web site -- and then to having the very great pleasure of "meeting" Dana in cyberspace! It turns out that we've all been members of the MAS (Mutual Admiration Society) for many years! Don't you just love the Internet?!

My dear Kathy, I’m attempting to reconstruct the message I posted to you on last Wednesday (August 16), because I want to make sure that you and our other members see it. (My post was one of those that went missing when our site went down for several hours last week. We’re still trying to recover those messages.) I am disturbed by a number of things you’ve said about your psychiatrist’s response to the grief you’re experiencing following the death of your father. If this is representative of your doctor’s understanding of normal grief, I think it’s safe to say that he is woefully misinformed. It so happens that I’ve just finished reading Alan D. Wolfelt’s latest book, Companioning the Bereaved: A Soulful Guide for Caregivers. (You probably recognize Dr. Wolfelt as the internationally noted author, teacher and grief counselor who acts as educational consultant to hospices, hospitals, schools, universities, funeral homes and a variety of other community agencies across North America. He also serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Transition in Fort Collins, and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine.) Here is what Alan has to say about the traditional medical model of mental health care, particularly with regard to understanding grief: Our modern understanding of grief all too often lacks any appreciation for and attention to the spiritual, soul-based nature of the grief journey . . . academic psychology has been too interfaced with the natural sciences and laboratory methods of weighing, counting and objective reporting . . . [this book] presents an alternative based on “companioning” versus “treating” one’s fellow human beings in grief. Critical self-observation would suggest that perhaps we rely too much on psychosocial, biological and psychodynamic constructs that we have been taught to “treat away,” such as depression, anxiety, and loss of control . . . Without doubt, the grief journey requires contemplation and turning inward. In other words, it requires depression, anxiety and loss of control. It requires going into the wilderness. Quietness and emptiness invite the heart to observe signs of sacredness, to regain purpose, to rediscover love, to renew life! Searching for meaning, reasons to get one’s feet out of bed, and understanding the pain of loss are not the domain of the medical model of bereavement care. Experience has taught me that it is the mysterious, spiritual dimension of grief that allows us to go on living until we, too, die. (pp. 8-9) Alan goes on to express his hope that his philosophical model of companioning will eventually replace the more traditional medical model: The companioning model • empathizes with the human need to mourn authentically without any sense of shame • encourages every one of us to discover how loss has forever changed us • understands the normalcy of drowning in your grief before you tread water, and that only after treading water do you go on to swim • helps the caregiver acknowledge the responsibility for creating conditions that allow the grieving person to embrace the wilderness of grief. (p. 19) In another passage, he offers what I believe to be a perfect description of what we provide here in our Grief Healing Discussion Groups~ creating Divine Momentum: In grief, Divine Momentum is the notion that the process of mourning will, all by itself, lead to healing and reconciliation. In embracing and expressing their grief, mourners will, over time and with the support of others, move forward. To trust in Divine Momentum is to believe that healing can and will unfold . . . you help create Divine Momentum for healing by offering a safe starting place for the journey. You offer a free and open space for mourners to give attention to that which they need to give attention to. (p. 40) What about controlling and confronting the pain of grief? You say your doctor “asked whether I'd rather ‘experience the grief and be miserable for a year or more’ or take something to ease the pain.” For many people in a mourning-avoidant culture, it is easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it. Yet, it is in confronting one’s pain and realizing it doesn’t mean something is wrong that we ultimately integrate loss into our lives. To heal we must go to the wilderness of our souls. The opposite of embracing pain is often demonstrated by attempts to stay “in control.” Underlying that controlling impulse is anxiety and fear – the fear that the mourner will have to experience pain in any or all of five domains [physical, emotional, cognitive, social, spiritual]. If the mourner accepts that she cannot go around the pain of loss, then she may discover the courage (i.e., “the ability to do what one believes is right, despite the fact that others may strongly and persuasively disagree”) to relax into the pain, and herein lies the paradox. Trying to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief makes the mourner an opponent of the journey and creates more chronic states of anxiety and depression. Control appears to be one of North Americans’ favorite ways of running from grief and loss . . . Spiritual maturity in grief is attained when the mourner embraces a paradox – to live in the state of both encounter and surrender while simultaneously “working at” and “surrendering” to the journey. As the mourner comes to know this paradox, she can very slowly, with no rewards for speed, discover the soothing of her soul. Many mourners have taught me that they actually find themselves wrapped in a gentle peace – the peace of living at once in the encounter (the “grief work”) and the surrender (embracing the mystery of not understanding). (pp. 168-169) You say your doctor told you “that to come here and vent was the wrong thing to do because none of us are counselors!” What your doctor fails to realize is that the real “experts” in grief are the people who come together to share in and grow through their common experience of loss, and for many grieving people, support groups are one of the best helping resources. Furthermore, what makes this particular site different from many other message boards “out there” is that this one is sponsored and supported by Hospice of the Valley, one of the nation’s largest and oldest hospices, and certainly one of its finest. Our site is closely monitored and moderated by bereavement counselors who are certified by the Association for Death Education and Counseling. (For your doctor’s information, ADEC is a multidisciplinary professional organization dedicated to promoting excellence in death education, bereavement counseling and care of the dying, and the people it certifies are required to meet its rigorous educational standards, demonstrate excellence in counseling and pass a comprehensive national board examination.) I understand that you’ve been in treatment with this psychiatrist because you’ve been “suffering from depression for a long time.” Clinical depression is now recognized as a true medical disorder, and certainly if you’ve been given this diagnosis, you should continue with a physician who is giving you appropriate treatment for it. Nevertheless, you are right in your observation that there is a difference between clinical depression and the sorrow that normally accompanies grief. Clinical depression is an illness that can be treated – but grief is a normal, natural and healthy process that requires an entirely different approach. While I am terribly sorry to learn of your mother’s serious illness, Kathy, I’m also gratified to read that, in addition to the medical treatment you’re receiving from your doctor, you’ve also found yourself “a decent grief counselor.” As you’ve already discovered, not every psychiatrist or psychotherapist is educated, trained and experienced in death, dying and bereavement, and you deserve far better information, comfort and support for your grief than what you’ve obtained from your current doctor. Good for you for recognizing that, and good for you for looking elsewhere until you found it! Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Hi Shelley, You said, "I was wondering if anyone knows of a good book to read about losing your parents..." In addition to Paul's and Derek's suggestions, you might want to review the articles, books and resources listed on the Death of a Parent page of my Grief Healing Web site.

No, Paul, you are not hallucinating. I'm missing some of the good stuff I posted in some of the forums, too. I have reported this to HOV's administration, and I've been assured that the message will be forwarded on to Invision Power Board Services. I'm hoping that IPB has a back-up copy of whatever appeared in all the forums between the evening of August 15 and the morning of August 17 when the site went down, since obviously they were able to restore the rest of the site.

Hi Ali, I too appreciate your reaching out to find ways to help your girlfriend through this sad and difficult time. As you probably know, although certain patterns and reactions are universal and fairly predictable, everyone's grief is as unique to that individual as his or her fingerprints. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no specific time frame. A person in the freshest throes of grief can look awfully "crazy" to the rest of us, especially when that first wave of shock and disbelief wears off -- as when your girlfriend returned from your vacation only to be hit full force with the reality of her loss. The sorrow that normally accompanies grief can look a lot like "depression" to people unfamiliar with grief. But more often than not, what you're seeing is a very normal reaction: a natural response to losing a cherished loved one. In addition to the wise responses you've received from Amanda, Shell and Derek, I hope you'll take the time to read through the messages posted in another thread in this forum, as I think you have a lot in common with wacked612, the fellow who started this topic: Is Detaching from Everyone a Common Behavior While Grieving? I believe very strongly that just knowing what normal grief looks like, knowing what to expect and knowing how to manage one's reactions can be very, very helpful, especially if this is your girlfriend's first experience with losing a loved one to death. I don't know whether you've visited my Grief Healing Web site, but if not, I hope you will do so. If your girlfriend has access to a computer, at some point and if she is open to it, you may want to tell her about the site, too. Take some time to explore all of the pages there; you'll find many informational articles on various aspects of grief and loss, inspirational writings and poetry, as well as links to dozens of other helpful resources. You may be especially interested in these particular pages: Death of a Parent Helping Someone Who's Grieving Unfortunately you have no control over any of the circumstances you find yourself in right now, Ali. What you can do is to be as patient, as kind and as loving toward your girlfriend as you can be -- and hold onto the belief that if the love between the two of you is true, it will be strong enough to withstand the impact of this event in both your lives. Sometimes all we have in life to get us through the most difficult times are hope, faith and love. I hope this information proves helpful to you, Ali. Above all, please be patient with your girlfriend. Grief work is some of the most difficult work she will ever have to do, and it will help her to know that you will let her do it at her own pace, and that you don't expect her to have to do it all alone. You can give her no greater expression of your love than that. Wishing you both the peace and healing you deserve, Marty T

Shelley, I just wanted to say, You go, girl!! Hooray for you! I know this is an incredibly brave thing for you to do, and we are very, very proud of you! I'm sure that when you're ready to tackle the open road, you will be a very careful, responsible driver, and I'll share the highway with you any day of the week!

Hi Amanda, There are many, many resources available nowadays to guide adults in helping children cope with death, loss and grief. One such resource is our own Hospice of the Valley here in Phoenix, which offers a comprehensive packet filled with useful information, including these handouts: Developmental Stages & Children's Responses to Grief What We Can Do to Help Children Deal with Death & Grief Talking to Children about Death The Grieving Family: A Contract for Healing Explaining the Funeral / Memorial Service to Your Children Teens Talking to Teens Online Message Board How to Comfort the Bereaved Teen Reading List for Teens on Grief and Loss To request a copy of the Children's Grief Packet, contact Hospice of the Valley's Bereavement Office, Hospice of the Valley, 1510 E. Flower Street, Phoenix AZ 85014, telephone 602-530-6970, info@hov.org. You'll also find links to dozens of helpful resources on the Child, Adolescent Grief page of my Grief Healing Web site. I'm so sorry these children are faced with so many obstacles to overcome, but how fortunate they are to have in their lives such a concerned friend as yourself. Bless you for caring enough to seek whatever information might help you in helping them.

Dear Lori, I hope it will help for you to know that other daughters on our site have expressed similar concerns following the death of one parent. See, for example, the topic Going Too Fast, and be sure to follow the links in that post, too.

Sleep well tonight, dear Derek, and as my dear father used to say to me, may you have roses on your pillow.

Chrissy, dear, To Derek's lovely prayer we all say "Amen." When you are free to do so, please let us know how your dad is doing -- and remember to take good care of yourself and your baby during this difficult, uncertain time. You are in our hearts.

Dear Paul, I feel compelled to respond to something you said in your post: Jeepers, I have learned so much these past 9 months (tomorrow is the 9th month anniv of Mom's death). I am sometimes plagued by wondering about thoughts of any stupid comments or actions or expectations I may have had during late 1995 and the next few years, ignorant as I was about all this. And wondering about what exactly she was going through, and what behavior may have been attributed to "grief" or just old age. And what I could have done, had I known better. My God... One of the things I love about you, Paul, is your openness and honesty in sharing what you're thinking and feeling, and your willingness to learn and grow from your experiences. I so admire that in you. What struck me about your comment above is that so often I've felt the same way about my own mother after my father died too soon in 1976. I have learned sooooo much about grief and mourning in the years since then, Paul, and if I had it to do all over again, believe me, there is so much that I would do differently in how I supported (or failed to support) my mother in her grief. But you know what? We cannot know what we do not know! At the time of my father's death, and even when my mother died several years later, I did not know about hospice, I did not know about funerals and rituals and memorials, I did not know what was normal in my own grief, much less how to offer compassionate companionship and comfort to the bereaved, and I did not know what I know now about death, dying, grief and mourning. But I am a far more effective grief counselor today, and a better companion to the bereaved, because of what I've learned along the way ~ not only from my own experiences with loss, from what I've studied and read, and from the work that I do now, but also from what I've learned from you and all the other wonderful people who are part of this very special online community. As you've so often said, grief changes us, and it is up to us to learn the lessons it has to teach us. So let us forgive ourselves for what we did not know, acknowledging that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. Let us continue to share and learn and grow together, as a way of honoring our precious loved ones. And let us celebrate how far we've come from where we used to be!

Oh Shelley, hooray for you! We're so proud of you! And Maylissa, your post reminds me of yet another saying that I love, because it's so empowering; It's never too late for a happy childhood. And while you're gazing at all those "other families acting really loving toward each other," keep in mind that life is difficult, life is full of suffering, and everyone -- everyone -- has a story. Appearances can be deceiving, and as Paul and Abe have noted, most people who appear to be happy and loving and kind are those who've simply decided to "be" that way, despite the difficulties, losses, hurts and disappointments they have suffered in the course of their lives . . . I should also add that, although life is full of suffering, as Helen Keller said, "it is also full of the overcoming of it."

My dear Maylissa, I can feel the exhaustion in your words, and I’m so very sorry that you must endure such endless suffering – not only Nissa’s but your own – as you continue to minister to your precious baby with such boundless love and devotion, knowing all the while that she will not recover. I don’t know how you find the strength to keep on going. As we’ve come to know you in these forums, we all see how hard you’re working – consciously and deliberately – to contend with Nissa’s illness through this extremely difficult period of anticipatory mourning, and I want to acknowledge and praise you for your efforts. As Therese Rando says, anticipatory mourning is a complex and multidimensional experience that mandates “a delicate balance among the mutually conflicting demands of simultaneously holding onto, letting go of, and drawing closer to the dying loved one” and to the reality of death. What an enormous and complicated task this is! All the while we are ministering to our loved one, we must grapple with overwhelming feelings of powerlessness, uncertainty, confusion and fear. Over time, the stress of it all can deplete us, as it impacts upon every dimension of our existence: cognitive, emotional, physical, social and spiritual. Relationships with others are affected, as we struggle to balance opposing needs, demands and roles within a marriage and amongst our family and friends. Faced with all the traumatizing effects of the terminal illness itself, we’re bombarded with confusing and conflicting feelings of anger, guilt, sorrow, anxiety and fear. My prayer for you is that, exhausted as you are, you’ll take good care of yourself first, Maylissa. You need to stay healthy enough and preserve enough energy to continue making the most of the time you have left with Nissa, so as to create loving memories and to strengthen the bonds you already have with her. As you know, conscious memory-making involves doing what you’re already doing, but mindfully ~ being present in the moment, and practicing loving thoughtfulness. It means focusing on and engaging in activities that will have personal meaning to you in the present – anything that reflects your love for Nissa and her importance in your life – in order to create warm and healing memories for you in the future. These are the very activities that will best prepare you for Nissa’s eventual death and your adjustment afterward, when her physical presence is no longer here with you. The irony in all of this, my dear Maylissa, is that you’re already doing your very best in caring for your beloved Nissa, and I think it’s safe to say that your best is better than what many others would be willing to offer under similar circumstances! Have you ever read Martin Scot Kosin’s book, Maya’s First Rose: The Diary of a Very Special Love? I don’t think I’ve ever read a more poignant account of a person’s efforts to keep his beloved companion (in this case, a canine) alive and happy through her final years, no matter what the sacrifices required. You’ll find an excerpt from his beaufiful book here: The Fourth Day. Meanwhile, know that you are not alone, Maylissa, and with gentle thought and prayer, we are holding you and Nissa in our hearts. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T