MartyT

Maylissa, my dear ~ I am so proud of you

Oh my dear Shelley, that is not wierd at all. There is nothing to replace being hugged by your mother or your dad, and I too would give anything to feel once again the warm and tender embrace of either of my parents. Let's take a page from Shell's book: put your arms around yourself and give yourself a great big hug, and know that it comes from your mother and your dad. Then give yourself another one, from all the members of your GH family here.

Dear Rayon, The feelings you describe are neither “right” or “wrong,” because you simply cannot control what you are feeling – you can only control what you do with what you are feeling. As you come to learn more about what is normal in grief, both through your own experience and through your contact with other mourners here in these forums, you will find that you are not alone in your reactions and you are not “wrong” or “bad” for feeling as you do ~ as I’m sure many of our other members will tell you. That’s one of the benefits of participating in these forums. In the meantime, you may find some of these earlier posts helpful: How Do You Handle Guilt? Heartbroken Suddenly All Alone

Chrissy, dear ~ You said, “I thought that I wouldn’t feel this emptiness and loneliness once [the baby] came, but the last few days I have been longing for Jason so badly . . . The baby brings me so much joy and I am so happy to have a piece of him here with me but He can’t fill the void that was made when Jason died.” When Jason died, you still had ahead of you the enormous and frightening task of delivering your baby without Jason by your side, as well as the overwhelming responsibility of bringing home and caring for a brand new infant all by yourself. You had to muster all the strength and courage you had within you to accomplish these enormous tasks, which I suspect left very little room for you to ponder and experience the full force of your grief. As horrible as you must have felt right after Jason died, you also may have deluded yourself into thinking that you’d feel better once the baby was born, when you’d have baby Jason upon whom to focus your attention. Now that the baby is here and you’re home all alone with him, you’re gradually discovering the enormous responsibilities of being a single mom, the reality of which can be overwhelming. At the same time that you’re adjusting to being a brand new mother, in addition to your housework, there is grief work waiting to be done. The enormous reality of your loss, the reality of Jason’s physical absence in your life, your aloneness in parenting this child, is now only just beginning to push itself into your conscious awareness. The first task in grief work it to acknowledge the reality of your loss, and that is what you’re doing now, whenever you have those moments when you’re acutely aware of Jason’s absence and you find yourself longing for him. It’s at those times that you need to acknowledge your feelings, give in to them, and find some way to express them – whether that’s by coming here to vent, or by crying your eyes out in the shower, or by raging at the heavens. Do whatever works for you. Nevertheless, because you’re all alone adjusting to your role as a brand new mom, I know there is precious little energy left over for you to do your grief work, and that’s okay. This is Mother Nature’s way of cushioning you against the full force of your loss, and I want to encourage you to give yourself permission to take your grief in smaller doses, letting it in just a little bit at a time, as you have time enough and energy enough to give it the attention it demands. This is a normal and healthy thing to do, Chrissy, and in your particular circumstances, I think it is a matter of survival for both you and your baby.

Dearest One, We’re all so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved mother; please accept our heartfelt sympathy. We already knew your mama was a very special lady, but by sharing these wonderful stories about her, you’ve helped us see her through her daughter’s eyes, and we are so very grateful to you for that. In her willingness to share so openly and honestly in this forum how it felt to be saying goodbye to everything and everyone she’s ever loved, your mother gave all of us the priceless gift of seeing grief and loss from the unique perspective of the person who is dying. For one who lived her life so selflessly in the service of her immediate and extended family, I simply cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for your mother to say goodbye to all of you, much less for all of you to see her go. I'm sure you already know that the bond you have with your mama will be with you always, just as long as you keep her memory and the love you share with her alive in your heart. You will always be your mama’s daughter, and she will always be your beloved mama. Death may have ended her life, but it certainly does not end the relationship you have with her. Although she is no longer physically present, it doesn't mean that you cannot continue to love her in her absence. I hope the precious memories you have of your dear mama will one day bring you comfort, and that you’ll come to find, in the lovely words of Hugh Robert Orr: They are not dead who live in lives they leave behind. In those whom they have blessed, they live a life again, and shall live through the years eternal life, and shall grow each day more beautiful, as time declares their good, forgets the rest, and proves their immortality. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this sad and difficult time. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Hi Maylissa, At the top of the main page, on the right, you'll see several links: Admin CP · My Controls · View New Posts · My Assistant · 0 New Messages Clicking on the View New Posts link enables you to see a list of all the posts that have appeared since your last visit to the site. As you read each post, using your "back" feature, you can keep returning to the "View New Posts" list until you've read all the posts on the list. Once done, go to the top of the page and click "Mark all forums as read and return to index." This simply removes the list of new posts on the "View New Posts" page. Alternatively, when you click on the "Mark all posts as read" feature on the main page, the same thing happens. All the new posts on the "View New Posts" page will be removed from the list. No harm is done -- all the posts still appear in each of the forums and nothing is "lost." Also, note that on the main page, when there is a new post in a forum, there's a blue button on the left next to that forum that is highlighted. Once you click on the "Mark all posts as read" feature, the blue button reverts to its original state. I hope this makes sense -- if not, let me know . . .

The following article appeared in the September / October 2006 issue of In Touch: Hospice of the Valley Bereavement Newsletter. Where Dandelion Seeds Fall This column will present stories of inspiration. Each life is filled with meaning, values, ideas and dreams. When a life ends, perhaps these qualities are set free and scatter, like dandelion seeds in a breeze. They might take root somewhere else and grow into new plants. Sometimes, we don’t even know where a beautiful new idea comes from, but we are inspired to make it grow and thrive. If you have a personal story that shows the power of inspiration in those who survive, please let us know. “Grief Gone Wild” Helps Bereaved Teens On a weekend rafting trip down the Salt River a year ago, Bereavement Department Administrative Assistant Cory Olson tightened her grip on her paddle as the raft pitched into a rapid. The raft bucked and threatened to capsize. “Dig! Dig!” shouted the guide. Cory felt a rush of fear, energy, resolve and focus. Paddles struggled with the river currents and won, as the boat cleared the boulders and holes all around. A flash of inspiration took root in Cory, and she wondered if grief and despair could be turned into hope and triumph through confronting survival in a wilderness experience. She brought the seed of inspiration to Stacia Ortega, head of Hospice of the Valley’s Circle of Life outreach to bereaved teenagers. With the excitement and support of many others, this seed grew into an innovative program called “Grief Gone Wild.” For five days in July 2006, 15 bereaved teens -- plus staff and volunteers from Hospice of the Valley and the City of Phoenix -- journeyed together running the San Juan River in southeastern Utah. They used ceremonies, rituals, play and adventure to help the teens understand and work through their grief. The teens' losses included two fathers killed by gunfire, both parents succumbing to AIDS, a close friend who committed suicide, a friend struck and killed by a car, and siblings and parents lost to disease. Each day began and ended with "Circle Time and Talking Stick," a time to honor departed loved ones. HOV volunteer Walt Carr played the flute every morning to open the circle, as the teens took turns saying their names and the names of those they had lost. The floating memorial was a pivotal moment midway through the journey. Teens and artist/volunteer Manny Wheeler constructed the wood raft, with each teen pouring sand onto it in remembrance of their loved one. A prayer of remembrance was spoken. The raft was released to the flow of the river, carrying memories downstream. The only girl on the trip wrote this about her experience: “This is truly a life changing event. My mother would be so excited, stoked and proud of me all at the same time. I’m doing this trip for her because she was never given such an amazing opportunity. I’m so proud of myself for conquering the fear I had for the untamed outdoors. Just looking around at the canyon and bright beautiful stars brings tears to my eyes. “I think that everyone should take a few days off from their crazy lives and find out what life means to them...go rafting or mountain climbing something that brings you to a place that civilization has not yet destroyed. What a blessing it is to be here, not only to find peace with the loss of my mother and to have a blast, but also to find myself.” Hospice of the Valley provided the funding and grief expertise through staff members Stacia Ortega and Cory Olson and volunteers Walt Carr and Xevi Cargol. The City of Phoenix's Adaptive Recreation Services division, which has coordinated rafting expeditions for the last 15 years, provided the expertise of Ann Wheat and T.J. Penkoff. The trip was made possible through donations from CIGNA HealthCare and the Southwest Section of the PGA of America, which sponsored a Pro-Am benefit golf tournament in April; and the Employees Community Fund of Boeing Mesa. The teens will continue to meet with their counselors throughout the coming year to help strengthen and cultivate the fruits of this exceptional experience. A “Grief Gone Wild” trip is being planned as a yearly event. [Note: See Grief Gone Wild for details about next summer's trip.]

Grief is a Journey. There is plenty to discover along the way. Grief Gone Wild A wilderness experience for grieving teens. Grief Gone Wild is a program just for grieving teens. It allows young people to join others like them on a personal journey down the beautiful and exhilerating San Juan River in Utah. This wilderness adventure is offered by the City of Phoenix Parks and Recreation division, with teens sponsored by Hospice of the Valley. Grief Gone Wild is a five-day river rafting expedition designed to help teens move toward peace and acceptance. Along the way, they will engage in special activities. They will share with others. And they will get a chance to work through their grief as they experience life all around them. Dates: June 28 - July 3, 2007 Costs: Teen portion $75 Grief Gone Wild is adult-supervised by a team of wilderness and bereavement specialists, hospice volunteers and experienced river guides. For more information about Grief Gone Wild, call 602.530.6987 or 602.530.6970. Hospice of the Valley is a not-for-profit offering comfort and dignity to patients and families as life nears its end. [Read a detailed account of this year's Grief Gone Wild river rafting trip in The Latest News, at Grief Gone Wild Helps Troubled Teens.]

Penny, dear ~ Here is a birthday gift for you, and for all of us: We Send You Our Blessings

Dear Tootie, I'm so very sorry to learn about your best friend's sister-in-law ~ and how good of you to be seeking information on how best to help her through this sad and difficult time. The articles Kelly suggested are excellent, but since their focus in on helping after a death has happened, I thought you may find this article helpful, too: Helping a Friend Who Is Dyingby Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. Your friend is dying. This is an extremely difficult time not only for you, but for your friend and all who care about him. This article will guide you in ways to help your friend-and yourself-during the last days of his life. Read more . . . We also should note that How to Help a Friend in Griefwas originally written by Bill Jenkins and is taken from his insightful book, What to Do When the Police Leave: A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss (3rd Edition). We don't know who originally wrote the Wish List; it first appeared on our site in March, 2005 with the author listed as "Unknown." You'll find links to these and many other relevant resources on our Helping Someone Who's Grieving page.

Dear John, As I read the lovely e-mail exchange between Jack's son Tom and yourself, I couldn't help but put myself in Tom's place, thinking what it would be like to receive such messages from one who knew and loved my father as fully as you knew and loved Tom's dad. I hope Tom realizes how blessed he is to have as fine as man as you are in his life, and in the lives of his daughters, too. You are a rare and precious gem, dear John, and I wish my father could have had a man like you in his life to love him so completely. I only hope that I honor my father's memory the way that you continue to honor your beloved Jack's. You are an inspiration to us all.

Dulci's mom, I think you might find this post (and this entire thread) of interest: Letting Go of the Ashes

Dear avsqr_dancer, If every time you think of Tawny you start to cry, if looking at her picture is still too painful for you, if you're wondering if it's still too soon "to begin working on the memorial part," then I think you've answered your own question. As we've said so many times before, there is no right or wrong way to do the work of grief, and there is no specific time frame for any of it, either. There is only your way, which you simply figure out as you go along. Listen to what your heart is telling you, and do what makes you feel comfortable. I once had a woman in my pet loss support group whose black cat had died -- it was an entire year before she was able to so much as look at another black cat, much less at a picture of her own beloved Onyx. It was just too painful for her. On the other hand, when my precious cockapoo Muffin died, I gathered as many pictures of him as I could find, made a collage for myself, and hung it on the wall -- I was so afraid that I'd forget his darling little face. You see, my dear, it is different for all of us, and the same thing that brought me comfort might cause you great pain. That's why it's good to share our ideas for doing grief work with one another, but only with the understanding that what has worked for one person may not work for another, and that's okay.

LifeGems is a company that creates diamonds from the cremains of your loved one, and the only drawback is the cost, which can be quite expensive, depending on the size of the stone that is created. Be aware that LifeGems is just one of several companies offering unique and meaningful ways of memorializing a beloved pet -- you'll find many additional ideas among the links I've listed on the Pet Loss Links / Memorializing page of my Grief Healing Web site. You can read more about LifeGems at LifeGems for Pets. Whether we are mourning the loss of a person or that of a cherished animal companion, remembering the one who died and honoring the life that was lived in an important part of the mourning process. Your searching for ways to keep a part of your beloved Dulci with you certainly is not wierd, especially if it brings you comfort.

This message comes to us from Karolijne van der Houwen, Principal Investigator for this study: The Centre for Bereavement Research and Intervention at Utrecht University, The Netherlands, is currently inviting people to participate in an international study into the efficacy of a new grief intervention. This intervention consists of five different homework assignments that are sent to participants by e-mail. Assignments will take on average 30 minutes to complete. You are cordially invited to participate in this study if you meet the following inclusion criteria: 1. age 18 years or older 2. native English speaker 3. having experienced the death of a partner, parent, child or sibling and being significantly distressed by this 4. access to computer and Internet facilities 5. in possession of a valid e-mail address Please visit our website - www.bereavementresearch.com - for more information and to register for this study. Thank you for taking the time to read this message. The research team, Jan van den Bout, Professor of Psychology Wolfgang Stroebe, Professor of Psychology Margaret Stroebe-Harrold, Associate Professor of Psychology Henk Schut, Assistant Professor of Psychology Karolijne van der Houwen, PhD candidate

Derek and Kay, my heart aches for both of you. Please know that you are being held in gentle thought and prayer tonight, and when each of you retires for the night, I wish you peaceful sleep, with roses on your pillow .

Dear Ones, You may find this article helpful; it's posted in The Latest News forum: I Don’t Care How Long It’s Been — Can We Talk About My Loved One?

Trudy, I'm sure that others here will share their experiences with you, but in the meantime, please let me assure you that you are normal . And the fact that you are a participating member of an online grief discussion group is a pretty accurate indicator that you are not in denial about your mother's death. Adjusting to this very painful reality is not like turning off a light switch. Grief is not a single event -- it is a process that must be experienced and assimilated into your heart and soul and mind. Knowing and believing that this irreplaceable person, this one and only mother of yours, has really and truly died is way too much for you to take in all at once. It must be taken in gradually, one little portion at a time, as you are ready, willing and able to absorb it -- and that's okay. It's like the proverbial elephant that cannot be eaten all at once. You must take it in in little bits, as you are able to digest it. This is nature's way of protecting you right now, and you might think of it as a positive thing rather than a negative one. We human beings are very well-defended, you know, and we are quite capable of taking in only as much as we feel capable of handling at any given time. Please don't worry about not being able to help someone else right now. Just feel your feelings and share with us what you are feeling. That in itself enables someone else, who may feel exactly the same way as you feel now, to know that he or she is "normal," too.

Dear Ones, The topic of grief dreams is fascinating, and one that we've discussed previously in these forums. If you've not seen it already, you might want to read the post in our Behaviors in Bereavement forum entitled "Strange Dreams about Death," dated 28 November 2005. You can access it directly by clicking on this link: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...st=0entry2900

Oh Shelley, what a treasure that is for you! Very cool indeed! I'm so happy for you! I have a very old-fashioned, reel-to-reel audio tape-recording of my own father's voice, singing songs he loved and accompanying himself on his banjo. One day I plan to have someone transfer it onto a CD for me, but in the meantime, it gives me great comfort just to know I have it, tucked away in a safe place in my home.

Welcome back, Patti ~ We're so glad you're still here with us. It hurts me, too, when the newly bereaved have reason to join our family, but I also know that when they find their way here, they can rest assured that they have found a warm and caring place of safety, comfort and peace ~ and it is all the loving, compassionate people like yourself who've made this into the special place that it is.

Derek, we are right here beside you, every step of the way

I just wish that there was some kind of program that could be set up for anyone who is having problems could go to over the holiday season than they could meet others and maybe form some kind of support group for this time of year... Your concerns are valid. When we’re in the midst of grief and it seems as if the rest of the world wants to give thanks and celebrate, we need to find ways to manage our pain and get through the upcoming holiday season with a minimum of stress. At this difficult time of year, be aware that many community organizations offer workshops designed to help you deal more effectively with grief and to promote personal growth and healing. Please check with your local hospice, church, synagogue, mortuary or library to find out what may be available in your own community. As it does each November, Hospice of the Valley’s Bereavement Department in Phoenix, Arizona is sponsoring its own Coping with the Holidays Workshop. Topics to be covered include: • Coping Skills • Rituals to Help in the Healing Process • Reminiscing and Memorializing • Renewal and Creative Beginnings • Finding Peace Within • Forming a Plan to Meet Your Needs For further information, please contact the Bereavement Office at 602-530-6970/6971.

Oh Chrissy! Our GH family's first baby How wonderful is that? We are so happy for you -- and for us! Tell us all about baby Jason! How much does he weigh? How long is he? We want details

My dear Andrea, I, too, lost a baby son, nearly 40 years ago, just three days after he was born, following what we thought was a normal, full-term pregnancy. Because our little David was gravely ill with what we later learned was a severe Rh-factor incompatibility, he was never brought to me, and I was never taken to the nursery to see him – either before he died or afterward. Because I’d had a C-section, I couldn’t attend his funeral or his burial, either. In those days, mothers simply weren’t “allowed” to see or hold their dead babies, and I was too young, too naive and too bereft even to consider breaking “the rules.” In the weeks and months that followed, no one talked with me about what happened, and it was as if our baby David had never existed at all. My husband and I had no one to console us, and neither of us had a clue as to how to acknowledge and manage our grief. Fortunately it’s very different today, as hospital staff in our hospital Labor and Delivery and Postpartum units are far more enlightened. Today the impact of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death is viewed much differently from how it was seen in the past, and now there is a vast array of resources available to help newly bereaved mothers (and fathers) better understand and manage their reactions. See, for example, some of the sites listed on the Death of an Infant, Child or Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site. But what of the mothers and fathers like us, whose babies died forty or twenty-five or sixteen years ago? Whether we got the help we needed at the time, certainly we haven’t forgotten our babies who’ve died. It is normal and healthy to acknowledge their existence and find ways to remember them, so we can bring them into the future with us. Our babies’ deaths do not erase their existence, and we need not leave the memories of them behind. Even though I never “saw” my David or “held” him in the usual way, he still is a very significant part of me. He lived in my womb for nine months, and now he lives in my heart. I will carry him with me all the days of my life. I would not be the person I am today if this baby had never been. I know that my experience of my baby David’s death is what taught me firsthand about the agony of grief, and it is what put me on the path to one day becoming a bereavement counselor. My book, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year is dedicated to my David (and to my dear parents who’ve died). Andrea, you say that you cry every year on September 27, the anniversary date of your baby Liam’s death, and every year on February 13,the day he should have been born. I wonder what would happen if you chose instead to develop a ritual that would celebrate those days, in honor of Liam and as your own personal way of remembering him? Rituals can strengthen the bond that connects you with your baby, as well as restore a sense of balance to your life, and they can be done publicly or privately, together with your family or all by yourself. The beauty of ritual is that it can be as private as you want it to be; no one else has to know about it, unless you want to share it with them. Creating a ritual of your own is not difficult; it can be any activity that holds meaning for you. For example, you could light a candle, or simply have a moment of silence in Liam’s honor. On the anniversary of his birth or death, you could make a donation in his name to your favorite charity. Each Christmas you could buy a gift for Liam and give it to a needy child, or buy a special ornament for Liam each year and hang it on your tree. The possibilities are endless. See my article Creating Personal Grief Rituals. You see, Andrea, your baby Liam has no visible presence in this world, but you do. You can actively look for ways to honor and memorialize this precious little one. If his song is to be remembered, then it’s up to you to do the singing.