MartyT

You Should be Over “IT” Thoughts by Sharon White, Cedar Rapids, Iowa It’s been a year; you should be over it. What exactly is “IT?” I’ll tell you what “IT’ is. IT is five days after the funeral, Thanksgiving Day, trying to find something to be thankful for. IT is Christmas without the merry, and New Year’s without the happy. IT is your first day back to work when every minute you are afraid you will burst into tears. IT is his birthday, but there is no him. IT is Valentine’s Day, only this time the roses are from your children. IT is your birthday, and there is still no him. IT is April 15 and you sing “filing as surviving spouse” – surviving, yes; living, no. IT is springtime when everything comes alive except you, that is. IT is Easter and everyone is singing “Let Us Rejoice and Be Glad” – there is no rejoicing and no glad. IT is Mother’s Day and you sadly remember how happy he was when each child was born. IT is Father’s Day and your kids spend it with you and there is an empty chair in the room. IT is the 4th of July and the job of raising the flag has been passed on to your sons. IT is vacation time and you go with your widowed friend, and you both cry together. IT is Halloween and you pass out the candy, but the silly grandpa in the mask is absent. IT is seeing your one-year-old grandchild take her first step knowing there should be one more set of arms reaching out to her. IT is looking at the moon and wondering if he sees the same moon like the two of you always did when apart in the past. IT is receiving that first wedding invitation that is addressed to you and your “guest.” IT is going back into “that” church for the first time and remembering, but not remembering and feeling that all eyes are upon you. IT is going to another funeral for the first time and feeling yourself shaking all over, too distraught to stay, but unable to leave. IT is doing all the things you always did, plus all the things he always did, and doing it when all your energy has been used for grieving. IT is being strong when you really feel weak. IT is putting on a pasted smile when you are crying inside and saying you are okay when you really aren’t. IT is dealing with titles and abstracts and bills and attorneys and doing it very well when all you really want to do is hibernate. IT is a whole big bunch of stuff you didn’t ask for, didn’t want and can’t even give away. IT is going to the cemetery and seeing the monument with his name, and it hits you in the face that this is real. IT is feeling like a traitor when you get rid of his personal belongings. IT is seeing couples hand in hand and tearfully glancing at the gold band he put on your ginger years ago and somehow not being able to take it off. IT is approaching the first anniversary of his death and reliving it all – oh, yes, you are better, but the void is no less. IT is people forgetting and you cry, and it is people remembering and you cry. IT is a future of unknowns and uncertainties and emptiness. IT is your wedding anniversary, and for the first time you really understand the words, “till death do us part.” IT is in the first glimpse of sunrise and in your last waking breath, and even finds ways to creep into your sleep and your dreams. So maybe when someone tells you that you should be over it by now, you should just tell them what “IT” really is! [source: Bereavement Magazine July/August 2003. Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publishing, Inc., 888.604.4673

Hey Maylissa! As far as I know (and I am not the techie here!) you need to select (by highlighting with your mouse) the piece of text you want affected, then go up to the "Font" box, hit the down arrow, and click on the font you want to select. At that moment, the font indicators should appear as HTML code [in brackets] in the body of your text, both at the beginning and the ending of the piece of text you've selected. I know the feature is working because I just tried it here, but if it is not working for you, I suggest you send a PM to Steve G, as he knows a whole lot more about the workings of these things than I do. Hope that helps! -- Marty T

My dear Jenny and Sandy, I’m so sorry that your children have been exposed to so much death and trauma so early their young lives, but I think it’s only natural that they would react this way to such extremely unusual and upsetting events. These tragedies are difficult enough for you as their mothers to deal with, but even more daunting for your children, whose prior experience with crisis and its consequences is less than your own, along with a smaller repertoire of coping skills. Because they are young, their capacity to confront the reality of these losses is somewhat more limited, and their ability to find meaning in life's crises is less mature. So you can reassure them that it is only natural for them to be feeling the way they do. I also think that, after enduring so much tragedy in so short a span of time, your son and daughter are experiencing reactions typical of post-traumatic stress, and so I tend to agree with Jenny’s thinking that the ‘normal’ counseling route is “not the way to go.” In the aftermath of September 11, the tsunami in Southeast Asia, Hurricane Katrina and all the rest, we are learning a great deal about the effects of catastrophic and unexpected loss, and how to better help survivors. See my posted response to mom of many in the Behaviors in Bereavement forum, at http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...2171entry2171 See also the articles and resources listed on my site's Alternative Healing page, especially those related to guided imagery and visualization. And take a look at Belleruth Naparstek's wonderful book, Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

I'm so sorry that you’ve already experienced so many losses in your life: the deaths of your brothers, a baby, your grandparents, the death of your beloved animal companion – I can only imagine how overwhelmed you must feel. It's not surprising to me that, because you've been hit with one significant loss after another, probably with little opportunity to process each of them separately and individually, you now find yourself in what I would consider grief overload. You say that you’ve always been able to move quickly beyond your grief, to move it out of your way, to dismiss it and go on, even though a part of you recognizes that “it is always there below the surface.” With this latest news about your grandmother, however, you find that your usual ways of dealing with grief are no longer working for you, and you’re angry about that. The simple fact is that, when we are hit with one major loss after another, we may not take the time we need to mourn, to work through and come to terms with each of those losses. Unfortunately, when we cannot give it the attention it demands at the time of our loss, our grief really doesn't "go" anywhere, and it doesn't get resolved – it simply goes underground and waits for us to take care of it. With each successive loss, the unresolved grief grows larger and larger. As soon as we are hit with just one more loss, or the threat of a loss (such as your grandmother’s colon cancer), or even the anniversary of a past loss, that event can trigger all the grief reactions we've been suppressing for a very long time – like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. This is not a sign of weakness – it is a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. Since your losses have come so regularly and so close together, I would expect that you are still in a state of shock and disbelief, not even ready to begin the work of grieving. That's not necessarily a bad thing – denying the reality of what is happening can be nature's way of cushioning all those blows because they are way too much for you to take in all at once, and it's the only way you can continue to function on a daily basis right now. It may even feel as if you must take a defensive posture, keeping yourself in a state of heightened alert to guard against the next onslaught of very bad news that surely must be waiting just around the corner. Certainly when someone close to you dies, it brings home to you that if it can happen to that person, then surely it can happen to you, too. With all of this going on, with your assumptive world turned completely upside down, is it any wonder that you feel so overwhelmed? Please don't underestimate the impact of each of these losses you've endured; any one of them is significant, but when they are cumulative like this, they can lead to a complicated grief reaction. Since you have access to the Internet, you have a world of information, comfort and support at your fingertips, and I’m pleased that you found your way to this forum. I also think it’s important that you have someone to talk to in person about all of this, so that your feelings about each of your losses can be explored, expressed, worked through and released. There are all kinds of resources "out there" in your own community aimed specifically at those who are grieving – you just have to make the effort to pick up your telephone and ask for the help that you need. Call your telephone operator or public library and ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. (You need not be suicidal to get a grief referral from a suicide prevention center.) Use the Yellow Pages and call hospitals and hospices near you. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a local grief referral. Many hospitals and hospices provide individual and family grief support to clients for up to one year following a death, and offer bereavement support groups to the general public at no cost. If one grief support group doesn’t work for you, keep looking for one that feels right to you. As overwhelmed as you feel, you are in need of support, comfort and understanding, and I hope you will think of this as a gift you can give to yourself. At the very least, I encourage you to do some reading about grief so you'll have a better sense of what normal grief looks and feels like, as well as what you can do to manage your own reactions. This alone can be very reassuring. See the listings on my Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page for some suggestions. If you go to the Links: Bereavement and Loss Sites page on my Grief Healing Web site and click on the categories listed there, I think you will find some very helpful sources of information. Another alternative is to subscribe to an online e-mail course; you can get a sense of the one I've written at The First Year of Grief: A Guide for the Journey. I'm also attaching to this post a wonderful parable that I think you'll appreciate. (See below). I hope this information proves helpful to you, my friend, and I hope you will let us know how you are doing. Wishing you peace and healing,[attachmentid=20] HorseOnDiningRoomTable.doc

My dear Funnyface, I understand from reading all of your earlier posts that you find it easier to share your feelings and experiences here in this forum with us, and I’m so pleased and gratified to know that – but as a hospice bereavement counselor myself, I feel a need to address your statement that “my husband says he’s worried about me and wants me to go see a Hospice Counselor...... that would be defeating for me......” Like you, I am a nurse, and I know how “we” are about taking such wonderful care of everyone else, but when it comes to caring for ourselves, we often feel paralyzed and incapable of obtaining for ourselves the care we would so freely give or recommend to others. I want to share with you (and others who may be reading this) the following excerpt from my book, Finding Your Way through Grief: If you are more comfortable in the care-taking role or feel uneasy with sympathy – or if you see the need for counseling as a sign of weakness or of mental illness – you may be reluctant to seek the help of a professional counselor. Yet it takes strength and courage to let yourself be cared for, and you need not bear your sorrow all alone. Even if you’re grieving in a normal, healthy way, it is wise to use all the resources available to help you recover your balance and put your life back together again. Sometimes friends and family may worry too much about you, get too involved in your personal affairs, or not be available to you at all. When it seems that support from family and friends is either too much or not enough, a few sessions with a bereavement counselor may give you the understanding and comfort you need. Unlike friendship, a professional counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn’t need you to depend upon, and will allow you to grieve without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you’re feeling and clarify your reactions. An effective bereavement counselor is knowledgeable about the grieving process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your grieving. (If after two or three sessions you don’t sense your counselor has a good understanding of your grief process or doesn’t seem like the person who can help you, you should feel free to try another counselor.) Seeing a bereavement counselor is appropriate if •you feel uncomfortable with yourself or find yourself unable to function normally. •you have reactions from which you can get no relief, or over which you feel no control. •you wonder if your responses are normal, or if they’ve gone on too long. •you have thoughts or feelings you feel guilty about or you’re reluctant to share with anyone else. Seek professional help immediately if •you feel no grief reaction at all after a major loss •you have a history of mental illness, drug or alcohol abuse •you have few sources of support •you see life as hopeless and are feeling suicidal. Individual bereavement counseling is available at no cost to individuals and families whose loved ones were patients of Hospice of the Valley. Please contact the Bereavement Office for further information. [Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year, © 2000 by Martha M. Tousley, pp. 50-51] If you had a broken arm or leg, Funnyface, you wouldn’t think twice about seeking medical attention, yet here you are with a broken heart and you’re expecting to be able to “fix” it all by yourself. Effective grief work is not done alone. Private, solitary activities such as reading and writing (and participating in an online forum such as this one) are wonderful, but it’s also helpful to work with others through talking, participating in bereavement counseling or finding support in a group. Reaching out to others is often very difficult when you’re struggling with grief, and I think it’s particularly difficult for nurses, whose very nature is to put others’ needs before our own. But experience has taught us that in grief, the more support and understanding we have around us, the better we will cope. Rather than seeing it as a sign of defeat, you might consider bereavement counseling as a precious gift you can give to yourself, because you’ve earned it, you’re certainly worth it, and you deserve it. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T P.S. You might also find the article on Sorting helpful; click on this link: http://griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?show...1314entry1314

My dear Malinda, I’m so sorry for the losses you’ve experienced in your family, and I certainly commend you for wanting to “be there” for your husband despite the difficulties you’re encountering as you try to offer him comfort. Your concerns remind me of another post that appeared in the Behaviors in Bereavement Forum in July of 2004, by "Lost" and entitled “Can Anyone Help Me Understand?” Please click on the link below, where you’ll find some information that I think may apply to your own situation – and please let us know if it helps: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...p=865entry865 Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear friend, I’m so very sorry to learn that it is the death of your beloved grandfather that led you to this special forum for teens, but I want to welcome you here, and I also want to congratulate you for having the courage to come in. By sharing what you’re feeling in your post, you have taken a very important step toward letting out that “thick and gooey something” inside of you – which is a fairly accurate description of the confusing, conflicting and often crazy feelings that are so typical of grief! I suspect that learning of the death of your friend’s grandpa yesterday was the trigger that suddenly put you in touch with all those feelings that you’ve been trying so hard to hold inside for the last five months. You see, my dear, that is what happens to all of us when we try to avoid the “thick and gooey” feelings of grief. Those feelings don’t “go” anywhere, despite our efforts to contain them – they just lie there, patiently waiting for us to deal with them. If we don’t pay them the attention they demand, then sooner or later, when something unexpected happens (such as the death of your friend’s grandpa) out they come, just as if our own loss happened yesterday. If this is your first experience with losing a close loved one to death, the feelings and reactions you’re having can seem very unfamiliar and scarey, even though they are very common and perfectly normal. Your post reminds me of the letter I received a while ago from a 16 year-old boy whose father died suddenly and unexpectedly; I hope you will read my response to him, as I think it contains some information that you will find helpful too. Click on Coping with a Father’s Death. I also hope that you will continue to use this forum as one of the ways to help yourself feel better. You are not alone; we are right here beside you to help you find your way, just as you are here helping the rest of us. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear friend, No, you are not rambling, and everything you say makes perfect sense to me. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for you to watch your mother’s health decline so horribly over such a long period of time. As you say, you’ve been losing her “little by little over the last 8 years,” and I can certainly understand why you wanted so badly for her agony (and yours) to come to an end. Wanting the agony of her illness to end is not the same as wanting your mother to die. When you’ve been carrying such a heavy load for such a very long time, it is only human to wish that it would end soon, and it is only natural now for you to feel relieved that such a heavy burden has been lifted from your shoulders. I hope that you will take some comfort in knowing that you did the best you could in caring for your mother, and surely she knew how very much you loved her. You say you’re afraid to let go of your mother’s things, for fear that “as memories and feelings lessen, she will disappear.” And when you did take some of her things to the thrift store, it felt as if you had lost your mother all over again. These feelings are normal, too, and you’re certainly not alone in experiencing them. I’m reminded of some of the posts that appeared in this forum a year ago, under the topic entitled “Life Without My Mother.” See this one especially, which contains the piece, “Sorting:” http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...1314entry1314 I understand, too, the special responsibility you feel as the eldest child to preserve your family traditions and maintain family togetherness. You may find this article helpful, too: Creating Personal Grief Rituals: The Healing Power of Remembrance Please know that you have our deepest sympathy, my dear. Here you are among friends who care and understand, and whenever you need to talk about your mother, we are listening. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Maylissa, I know from reading all your postings that you are working very hard to come to terms with all of your losses, including the deaths of your mother and your brother and the “never-ending pattern of abuses among ALL my relatives, towards everyone who comes into contact with any of them.” I suspect that your “case” is no more complicated than anyone else’s – it may be different and certainly it is unique to you, but as Scott Peck points out in The Road Less Traveled, life is difficult for everyone, and certainly for those who are grieving. Given the circumstances you describe and the experiences you’ve had in your family, it seems to me that your decision “years ago to distance myself from all the craziness” was an important one, and I think you would be wise to follow your own best instincts. Write a letter to your brother’s wife if you must, but consider writing a letter that you may not ever mail. As I’m sure you know, writing a letter and holding nothing back is a powerful way to get in touch with all the feelings, thoughts, and reactions you have had and are currently experiencing toward this woman. But once it’s written, consider showing it to a person you respect and one you can trust to give you honest and objective feedback. Discuss with this trusted person why you are sending the letter, and what you wish to accomplish in terms of your intentions and goals. If your goal is to change this woman and her behavior toward you or to gain her understanding, that may be unrealistic. Think about what you expect this woman to say or to do in response to your letter. What if your expectations are not met, and no remorse is shown? What if she simply digs in her heels and takes a defensive posture, or attacks you in response? What will you do with your anger then? I am reminded of some words I’ve just read (in the book that I happen to be reviewing now: Talking with Angel: About Illness, Death and Survival, by Evelyn Elsaesser-Valarino) that I think will have special meaning for you: You could let yourself be carried away by anger and the feeling of injustice, that would be so easy, so obvious and so tempting. “Why me?” you could cry all day long. You could sink into rebellion, exhaust yourself with rage, lose yourself in hatred. But what would you gain from it? All the energy you need to fight . . . would be swallowed up by these violent destructive feelings . . . Don’t let hatred enter your heart; it won’t help you. It will rule you and rob you of your freedom. To fight against [injustice] you must mobilize all the positive forces, willpower, hope, courage and trust. Anger and hatred are destructive, they increase the harm, they sap the energy you need to be able to fight. Adopt a positive feeling in opposition to hatred, fight it with love which is the most powerful and the noblest weapon at your disposal, the love that surrounds you, the love you experience, the love of life. In the face of the strongest adversity, only an emotion which enobles the dignity of a human being is powerful enough to win through . . . [p. 94] And about suffering, Evelyn has this to say: [Grief} and suffering are always indefensible and unjust, there is nothing positive to be said about them and in themselves they can teach us nothing at all. It all depends on what the person suffering makes of it, if they manage to be strong enough to turn the ordeal into a lesson in living. Courage and willpower will be their most precious allies, which will help to overcome their fragility with a life force which will make them noble . . . You have the freedom to get out of this trial in spite of your unhappiness. Everything is going wrong, but it is precisely this hardship which will show how strong you are. [it] has no hold over the attitude that you decide to adopt: give way or struggle, the decision is yours. . . In spite of the gloominess of your situation, you can decide how to color your days. In spite of your problems, in spite of your distress, you are free to form your everyday life as you choose, beyond the restrictions of your body, because your spirit is indomitable. The world takes on the face that you draw for it, your thoughts create reality despite . . . the uncertainty of your future. [pp. 74-76] Maylissa, I know from reading your wise and caring responses to others in the various forums here that you have a real gift. You have the ability to demonstrate genuine understanding and compassion for others who are in pain – the sort of empathy that comes from having experienced a great deal of pain in your own life – and you have a warm and very caring way of expressing your concern for others here. That tells me that through your suffering, you are learning some very valuable life lessons and, as you say, you ARE stronger because of it. What would happen, I wonder, if you decided to celebrate that? Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Shell, I’m so sorry for your loss and for the difficulties you’re having with your mom in the wake of your father’s death. You say that despite your close relationship with her, your mom seems very impatient with you, acting distant and critical of all your efforts to help. I don’t know how long ago your father died, how long your parents were married or how attached they were to each other, but the death of a spouse is difficult under any circumstances, and it can be particularly so for older people, whose most consistent experience at this stage of life is loss. Think about the impact of your father’s death on your mother. By now, in addition to her husband, I’m sure she has lost many loved ones to death, including her own parents, perhaps a sibling and certainly some close friends. When your father died, she may have lost her sense of being needed. Now there is no care for her to give. There is no warmth, no affection, no touching, no companionship, no one to talk to, no one to sleep or eat with, no one to feel important to. If she lives alone, her house now may seem to her too empty, too quiet, too lonely. There may be little stimulus for her to keep going and to stay active. There may be no structure or meaning in her daily routine. Your father’s death could also trigger the realization that her own health is failing, or that the later days of her own life are fast approaching. I don’t know your mother’s personality, but some older folks are more stoic and quiet in their grief, not as comfortable as the younger generations may be in expressing feelings openly. On the other hand, your mother may be more "seasoned" (older, wiser and better able to cope) than you give her credit for. You say that since your father died you’ve been “taking care of everything.” Rather than assuming what your mother needs, it might be better to observe, to listen, and to ask. More than anything else, your mother may just need a patient, understanding listener – someone to talk to honestly and openly about her own feelings - about your dad or other loved ones who have died in the past, about earlier losses she’s endured, about her own failing health or aging, or even about her own dying. I do not mean to suggest that you are the one responsible for healing your mother’s grief. For you to heal from this loss of your father, you must meet your own grief needs first. But I do want to encourage you to continue to offer your mother the understanding, patience and compassion she needs and deserves. If you feel as if her needs exceed your capacity to help, encourage her to see a grief counselor or attend a grief support group in your community. Consider, too, your own need for support at this sad and difficult time, and be willing to reach out to others. Many churches and hospices offer grief support groups nowadays, and some are aimed specifically at those who’ve lost a parent. See also the links to resources I have listed on the Death of a Parent page of my Grief Healing Web site. And by all means, know that you are always welcome here. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Ones, I am so very sorry that your precious children have died, and of course we can only imagine the depth of your pain. Please know that you are being held in our hearts and that, although we're saddened that you have reason to be here, we are right here beside you, sharing in your pain. I also hope that by reading through the other posts in this forum, you will find that you are not alone in what you are experiencing. I want to share with you some very wise words from a dear friend and fellow bereaved mother, Sandy Goodman, author of Love Never Dies: A Mother’s Journey from Loss to Love: SOME THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW WHEN YOUR CHILD HAS DIED • Grief Waits. If you put it away and try to ignore it, it will simply wait until you have no choice but to experience it. • We grieve as intensely as we love. • There is no "normal" in grieving. • You will never be the same person you were before your loss. • You must make a conscious decision to "get better." • There are no set-in-concrete stages or timelines in grief. • It is typical to feel almost numb for the first few months. When that "fog" lifts, it can be very frightening. Think of it as a wave and ride it out. • Losing a child is "out of order". Talking to and being with other bereaved parents is extremely helpful. • Other people will not understand your grief unless you share it. • It is okay to talk about your child as long as you want. • It is okay to keep their belongings as long as you want. • It is okay to include them in celebrations and special occasions for as long as you want. • "Finding closure" is not a requirement of healing. For parents, it is not even an option. • Even in death . . . love remains. I am so sorry your child has died. I vividly remember the gut wrenching pain of grief. My son was 18 when he was killed in 1996 in an electrical accident. My life changed forever. A year after Jason died, we attended a conference in Philadelphia put on by The Compassionate Friends (TCF). We were not members of their organization, but were welcomed with open arms. For the first time in our grieving, we were able to say what we felt without seeing a look of terror in the eyes of the listener. As you will learn, it is very difficult for anyone to understand the pain of a bereaved parent. It is an unthinkable loss. Had I known about TCF and the other resources herein, immediately following Jason's death, I would have ran to them before taking another breath. Please use this information. Grieving the loss of a child is an incredible amount of work, but there is an incredible amount of support available to you. Reach out, take a hand, and hold on tight. Sincerely, Sandy Goodman sandy@trib.com http://www.loveneverdies.net If you haven’t already done so, I sincerely hope that you will make every effort to contact your local chapter of The Compassionate Friends, whose mission is to assist families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age. To access TCF’s chapter locator, click on http://www.compassionatefriends.org/states.shtml You’ll also find links to dozens of other helpful resources on the Death of an Infant / Child / Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear John, Your Christmas letter touched my heart, and I am deeply grateful to you for sharing it here. What a profound and beautiful gift you’ve given to all of us. Thank you. What a wonderful, loving man your Jack must have been to have left such soulful legacies, and I’m certain he felt blessed to have as fine a man as you as his partner. I am struck not only by the deep and lasting love you have for Jack, but also by your determination to reach through the pain of your physical separation from him and find ways to reclaim all those meanings that were not canceled by his death. Asking people to share stories of your beloved is a powerful way to remember, to embrace and to use the legacies and life lessons your dear Jack has left to all of you. It opens your hearts to what you still have left of him, and reminds you of the importance and meaning of his life. In this way, you give your beloved a symbolic immortality, and fulfill his desire that you live a good life in his honor. Your wonderful plan to share these stories with Jack’s granddaughters is a priceless gift that they will treasure forever. How fortunate they are to have in their lives so wise a guide as you are. Obviously Jack’s legacy of love lives on in you, John, and the life you lead will continue to be a beautiful, living memorial to him. I can think of no greater tribute than that. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Ones, Some food for thought as together we begin the New Year: Welcoming Joyful Moments I will always remember the gift of a client who said what helped her through a difficult year was waking each morning and saying aloud, Today I welcome a moment of joy. She made a point of watching for it each day and writing it on the calendar. The moment of joy might have been a call from a friend, a hug, a brief burst of sunshine, the smell of the bakery on the way to work, overhearing a piece of music, a sunset. The very act of watching for them opened her to be receptive and she found she took in all kinds of joyful and encouraging moments that otherwise she would have missed. Later, looking back over the calendar of that year, she was amazed at what a difference those moments had made. If joy is too exuberant a word in the midst of grief it may be possible to simply say, Today I welcome a moment of comfort, or Today I welcome a moment of peace. And being the practical sort, I suggest that if it hasn’t found you by four o’clock in the afternoon, pick up the phone and help it along. Source: Stepping through the Awkwardness, by Marilyn Gryte, © 2001, Revised 2005, Centering Corporation, www.centering.com Wishing you many moments of comfort, peace and healing in the New Year, Marty T

What a lovely idea! Thank you so much, Maylissa, for recommending this site. I've just now placed links to it on my own site's Memorializing pages.

Including Your Absent Loved One in Holiday Celebrations by Marty Tousley, APRN, BC, FT Holidays and special days can be especially difficult for those coming to terms with the absence of a loved one. Even if you wish to pretend otherwise, the person who died will be on your mind -- and on the minds of others -- on special days such as holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Far better to create a time, a ritual or a ceremony that recognizes your loss and allows the expression of grief. Whether it's with a prayer or a toast, lighting a candle or sharing fond memories, take time in the midst of these special days to acknowledge your loss and remember and celebrate the legacy of your loved one. This can be done alone or with others, and can be especially meaningful for children. Read more . . .

A Message from the Centre for Bereavement Research: All of us (you can find our names at the bottom of this message) are researchers at the Centre for Bereavement Research and Intervention at Utrecht University, The Netherlands. Most of us have many years of experience researching grief and bereavement phenomena and giving therapy to bereaved individuals. Thus far research has taught us a lot about how people deal with the extreme difficulty of the death of a loved one, however important questions still remain (like, for instance, why do some bereaved seem to do better than others and how can we best help the ones who need help?). Our aim is to try to provide answers to such questions. By doing so we hope to improve care for people dealing with such a highly significant event in their lives. We hope you will help us reach these goals by participating in a small study we are conducting now. Participation in our study will last for five weeks and will consist of five writing assignments and a few very short questionnaires, that will take you no more than 25 minutes per week. Please send us an email (h.k.vanderhouwen@fss.uu.nl) if you consider participating in our study and would like to receive more information. Thank you very much for reading this message and for your help. Wolfgang Stroebe, PhD, Professor of Psychology Jan van den Bout, PhD, Professor of Psychology Margaret Stroebe, PhD, Associate Professor of Psychology Henk Schut, PhD, Assistant Professor of Psychology Karolijne van der Houwen, PhD candidate

Dear One, How terribly sad and unfair that your dear mother did not live long enough to welcome her newest granddaughter into this world, and I can only imagine how cheated you must feel. Please know that you have our deepest sympathy, and we're all holding you in gentle thought and prayer. In addition to the wonderful suggestions Steve G has given you, I want to point you to the Child, Adolescent Grief page of my Grief Healing Web site. There you will find over three dozen links to some very helpful articles and sites that deal specifically with the topic of grief in children. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Larry and John, Please accept our deepest sympathy for the loss of your precious children, and know that all of us are holding each of you in gentle thought and prayer. Larry, I want to point you to a post in another of our forums here (Behaviors in Bereavement / Topic Title: My Son / Topic Starter: Rebecca / Date 11/28/05) in hopes that the content will be relevant and helpful to you. Just click on this link: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...st=0entry2903 See also the article I've attached by Nan Zastrow, "Thoughts about Suicide." Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T ThoughtsAboutSuicide.Zastrow.pdf

My dear Maylissa, Your post reminds me of a snippet I took from a piece that was circulating all over the Internet yesterday. It just struck me, and I think it resonates with many of us: EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... That her childhood May not have been Perfect... but -- Its over... The psychological condition to which you refer is guilt, in your case "the guilt I feel over not being able, for whatever reasons, to 'fix' her life, health, our relationship or what-have-you" -- and it's one of the most common reactions in grief. I think the most helpful way for me to respond to your request is to share the following, which is taken from my online e-mail course on grief: Course Title: The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey Lesson # 10: Guilt By Marty Tousley Mindset Instructions: As you begin today’s lesson, take a few moments to ponder the quotation below: Quote “It is only too easy to compel a sensitive human being to feel guilty about anything.” — Morton Irving Seiden Opening Remarks In our last lesson, you discovered that anger is one of the most common reactions in grief. Do you ever find yourself feeling guilty for what you did or didn’t do, said or failed to say when your loved one was alive, even if there is no basis for it? Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a whole mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment. When your loved one’s terminal illness was finally diagnosed, you may feel guilty that you hadn’t noticed symptoms sooner, waited too long to seek treatment or didn’t do enough to comfort him or her. If death came suddenly or unexpectedly, you may feel guilty for not being present when it happened. If it came after a long, lingering illness, you may feel guilty for feeling relieved that your loved one’s suffering is over and you’re now free from the burden of worry and care. You may feel guilty that you are the one who survived, or uncomfortable that you received an insurance settlement or inheritance following the death of your loved one. If you’re a religious person, you may feel guilty that you feel so angry at God. Unfortunately, guilt is a natural and common component of grief. When someone you love dies, it’s only human to search for an explanation, to look at what you did or did not do, to dwell on the what if’s and if only’s. You agonize and tell yourself, “If only I’d done something differently, this never would’ve happened.” Sometimes, though, there simply isn’t anything you could’ve done differently. When your loved one’s illness or death occurred, chances are that whatever happened beforehand was not intentional on your part. Given the stress you were under then and how exhausted you may have been, you were doing the best you could. Given the information available to you at the time, you were doing what you normally would have done. Harsh as it may seem, consider that even if you had done things differently, your loved one still could have died in some other way at some other time! Sometimes we act as if we can control the random hazards of existence, even when we know that death is a fact of life. Guilt is driven by our own personal beliefs and expectations, and dealing with it requires that we examine what we think we did wrong, face it and evaluate it as objectively as possible. What did you expect of yourself that you did not live up to? Were your expectations unrealistic? If they were, then you need to let go of them. Since you did all that you were capable of doing at the time, there simply is no basis for your guilt, and you need to let go of that as well. What if, after careful examination of the facts, you find that your expectations of yourself are legitimate and you still did not live up to them? Then it’s important to face and take responsibility for what you believe you could’ve done differently. Healthy guilt allows us to own up to and learn from our mistakes. It gives us a chance to make amends, to do things differently next time, to come to a better understanding of ourselves, to forgive ourselves and move on. In the days ahead, take some time for one or more of the following exercises: -Identify what it is that you feel guilty about. Resist the urge to keep such thoughts and feelings to yourself like so many deep, dark secrets. Bring them out into the open where they can be examined. Share them with a trusted friend or counselor, who can view your thoughts and feelings more objectively, and challenge what may be irrational or illogical. - Listen to the messages you give yourself (the “should have’s, could have’s and if only’s”), and realize the past is something you can do absolutely nothing about. When guilty thoughts come to mind, disrupt them by telling yourself to stop thinking such thoughts. Say “STOP!” firmly, and out loud if you need to. - Live the next day or next week of your life as if you were guilt-free, knowing you can return to your guilt feelings any time you wish. Pick a start time, and stop yourself whenever you make any guilt-related statements. - Write down your guilt-related statements, set a date, and pledge that from that day forward you won’t say them to yourself anymore. Post them and read them every day. - If you are troubled by feeling relieved that your loved one’s suffering has ended, know that a heavy burden has been lifted from your shoulders; you have been released from an emotionally exhausting and physically draining experience, and to feel relieved is certainly understandable. - If you believe in God or a higher power, consider what He or She has to say about forgiveness. - Participate in a support group — it’s a powerful way to obtain forgiveness and absolution from others. - Be your own best friend. What would you have said to your best friend if this had happened to that person? Can you say the same to yourself? - Remember the good things you did in your relationship with your loved one and all the loving care you gave. Focus on the positive aspects: what you learned from each other, what you did together that brought you joy, laughter and excitement. Write those things down, hold onto them and read them whenever you need to. - Ask what you expected of yourself that you didn’t live up to. How is it that you didn’t? What were the circumstances at the time? What have you learned from this that you’ll do differently next time? What can you do to make amends? Find a way to genuinely apologize to your loved one’s spirit and ask for forgiveness. - Have a visit with your loved one. Say aloud or in your mind whatever you didn’t get to say while your loved one was still living. Be as honest as you can be. - Have your loved one write a letter to you. What would this person say to you about the guilt and sadness you’ve been carrying around? - Ask what it would take for you to forgive yourself. Can you begin doing it? Say out loud to yourself, “I forgive you.” Say it several times a day. - When you’ve consciously learned all you can learn from this situation, and when you’ve made any amends you consider necessary, then it’s time to let go of your guilt, to forgive yourself, and to move on. - Channel the energy of your guilt into a worthwhile project. Do good deeds in your loved one’s honor. Do you need additional guidance, support or information? Click link(s) below to order, access or learn more about resource. This lesson's suggested reading: Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart, by Robin Casarjian, Bantam Books, 1992. Coping with Guilt, by Carol Staudacher. Guilt and Regret in Prolonged Illness, by Ken Doka. Dealing with Guilt: The Goldman Method. Movies and video rentals can dramatize others coming to terms with their grief, which may help you in dealing with your own. It is in this spirit that I recommend movies or videos that I believe are especially effective in addressing certain grief issues. Before you see or rent a movie, however, please read the film's description and reviews to help you decide whether watching it will support you at this point in your grief journey. This lesson’s video picks (click on the title for Amazon's description and reviews): A Rumor of Angels (2000), with Vanessa Redgrave & Ray Liotta Ordinary People (1980) with Donald Sutherland & Mary Tyler Moore Closing Remarks Remember that no one else can absolve your feelings of guilt— only you can do so, through the process of intentionally forgiving yourself. Our next lesson explores the sorrow of grief. Course Number 8 Lesson Number 10 About the Instructor Marty Tousley, APRN, BC, CT is a hospice bereavement counselor helping people find their way through grief following the death of a family member. As a volunteer with the Halton-Peel Pet Loss Support Group in Ontario, Canada and the Pet Grief Support Service in Phoenix, AZ, she also works with bereaved animal lovers, both individually and in groups, and consults with veterinary clinics to foster greater understanding of pet loss among staff members, thereby building better helping relationships with grieving clients. A frequent contributor to healthcare journals, newsletters and magazines for the lay public, she has written several articles and book chapters in the professional nursing and medical literature, and has authored three books addressing various aspects of loss and grief. Her award-winning Internet Web site, Grief Healing, offers information, comfort and support to anyone who is anticipating or mourning the loss of a loved one, whether human or animal. Marty can be reached via e-mail at tousleym@aol.com. Copyright © 2005 by Martha M. Tousley. All rights reserved.

Here is how I read it, Maylissa. I think it refers to that feeling or irrational thought that, if I stop mourning my loss of you, if one day I notice that my pain has diminished even the least little bit, it must mean that I really don't love you enough to keep mourning the loss of you. We confuse loving with hurting. This is why I think it's so important to understand what is meant by the notion of "letting go." We need not "let go" of our loved one and the relationship or bond we have with our beloved, because the love we have between us does not die. Yes, our loved one has died, but we have not yet died -- and if we are to go on living in any meaningful way, we must find a way to "let go" of the pain of that loss.

My dear friend, I've just finished reading a wonderful book that you (and our other members and visitors) may find quite helpful. It's entitled Grief Dreams: How They Help Heal Us after the Death of a Loved One, by T.J. Wray and Ann Back Price. (T.J. Wray is an assistant professor at Salve Regina University, a bereaved sibling and creator of the Web site for Adult Sibling Loss, at www.adultsiblinggrief.com; her colleague is a Jungian psychoanalyst on the faculty at Brown Medical School in Providence, Rhode Island.) The authors assert that, "Because grief dreams are a fairly universal phenomenon among the bereaved, they offer the opportunity, when affirmed as important and properly understood, for healing." They guide readers in ways to understand and value their dreams, how to keep a grief dream journal, and how to use dreams as tools for healing. They explain that most grief dreams fall into four rather broad categories (visitation dreams, message dreams, reassurance dreams and trauma dreams), although there are other grief dream types such as prophetic dreams and dream series. The book offers real-life examples of each type, including their symbols and other important features. Wray and Price show how dreams can be affirming, consoling, enlightening, and inspiring. Grief dreams, they say on page 37, "offer a way through pain to memory and meaning." Grief dreams act as shock-absorbers, help us sort out our emotions, enable us to continue our inner relationship with the deceased, and make a creative bridge to our future: "Grief dreams often bear meaningful images of a hopeful new life for the mourner [p. 181]." The authors offer step-by-step guidance for understanding and valuing the various messages from grief dreams – even the nightmarish and shock-absorbing ones. They even give examples of how we can ask for a dream to help us, and suggest a method to use as a possible technique for inducing a reassurance dream. Following each dream story is a "Toolbox" designed to assist the reader to gain the confidence necessary to interpret his or her own dreams. "This confidence is enhanced by the easy-to-learn methods of interpretation that center on the concept that you, the dreamer, are in the best position to accurately interpret your own dreams. After all, your dreams are as unique as you are [p. 6]." Another way to learn more about recalling, interpreting, and working with your dreams is to take an online e-mail course, such as the one offered by Self-Healing Expressions, entitled Dreams for Healing: Using Dreams as a Pathway to the Soul. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T