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He is no longer coming back, right? When will i accept it? Why do i still keep hoping that he will return, am I in denial again? Gradually, I am starting to fulfill some dreams, but he is not here to share them with me. Why is that so? The emptiness is starting to seep in again...

William, my thoughts are with you today. I started to go out with friends, and i feel guilty that i had fun with them. As they said here, you are not losing your love with Myrna, but maybe you are on your way to acceptance now. I pray it will continue for you. For me, I dont have any doubts about his last thoughts, i know he was thinking of me, of our love, but i do feel sad of the fact that i was not there to hold his hand during his final moments. I keep myself busy, hoping not to feel the pain anymore..Im exhausted, im tired. This is such a difficult journey, but we will be ok. May you have a peaceful evening there.

You guys make my day. I have a good laugh here. William, behave. Poor Santa, leave him alone for children's sake. Now, im imagining that tattoo if ever you'll have one. LOL

William, Good for you that you are able to look at her pictures now. I still find it difficult to look at his photos, i couldnt even find the courage to sort the things he gave me. It makes me feel connected with him and i want to keep them. Part of me want to let go of some things, thinking that it will also help in my healing..but i dont have the strength to depart with them. Time will tell when im ready..

William, thanks for your support and glad to see your photo with Myrna. We have come a long way with our faith, haven't we? When i was on my early months, i never thought i will heal..and now, im thankful i am finding my way again. I find comfort in sharing their sufferings, it keeps my mind away from my own pain. ~~~ Kay, the sadness in our hearts will always be there, that aching and longing for our loved ones. I've learned to live with it, and appreciate that it is a reminder of how much i loved him.

Derek, I am glad that Carson has gotten over the illness..it must be very uncomfortable for him. The coming holidays still look dreadful, but we will survive it. I plan to work on those days to keep my mind busy. Am also praying for peace and healing for each one of us here..

Derek, How are you? How's Carson? I hope both of you are doing well. Once again, Thank you. I owe you a lot, do u know that? You have always lifted my spirit when i was feeling down. Indeed, by giving something we also keep a part of it. I get real joy by giving my time to them. The heaviness i felt the other day also came from the fact that he is no longer here to share this with me. This is one of our dreams together. ~~~ Karen, thank you..By doing this i felt like i am also continuing his dream. He too, had a soft spot for those who are in need. If he were here now, i know we will be doing it together. ~~~ KayC, I was wondering about you the other night, I am glad your weekend with your family went well. I couldnt thank you enough for being an inspiration to us here. You have touched so many lives, including mine in your own special way.

In this road we call grief, i have learned so much about myself. Have learned to enjoy my own company, have assessed my strenghts and weaknesses, have tried to see the beauty of my surroundings in the midst of this grieving. Moreover, i have done a lot of soul searching and was able to realized my real purpose here on earth. It was a relief and a joy to finally know my purpose, and i know it will be a long journey to fulfill it. I am just starting now..have started this journey. It is a tough one. Have immersed myself in volunteer work, caring for the sick. It is in a way very fulfilling but heart breaking too. Have seen so many souls suffered, have seen the poor, the needy, the dying. Sometimes, i ask myself how much i can handle, and if i am strong enough to face life's reality again on these eyes of these people. Today my heart is so heavy. I feel so empty. How i wish my love is here to share this with me..how i wish to tell him all these experience. I wonder, am i doing enough, i wonder what more can i do..God, my heart is breaking to see these people suffering. Thanks for listening again..had to let this out, maybe the heaviness will lessen..

Teny, My thoughts are with u and wish u will be able to overcome the sadness. Its good that you keep yourself busy by setting up the shop for the holiday. Unlike you, i have been sleeping a lot, but i still feel tired most of the time. I still ask myself the question "is this real? is he really gone?" everytime i wake up every single day, hoping to wake up from this nightmare. However reality sets in, we dont have a choice but to face the day. Shell put it rightly by saying that we can try to force the happiness in our lives..by trying to smile even if our hearts are breaking. Everyday, i try to appreciate the simple things in my life..definitely hard when my heart is aching but eventually it helps and lessens my pain. I dread the coming of the holidays too yet i also try to focus on its real meaning, the birth of Christ and somehow by focusing on this, it makes me more hopeful.

Karen, Your son is very lucky to have such a wonderful and caring mother like you. I admire the way you raised him.

Maury, good to know everything's going well with you. What you shared gives me some hope for the future too. KayC, You have always inspired us with your faith and optimism. I hope things get better for you, you are handling it well. Im wishing you the best.. William, are u taking your meds? Im sorry you are having a hard time now. I am with you too. Please feel free to vent here. I had a hard time the past week too and wouldnt have made it without you guys. Many thanks to all of you.

WaltC, i was browsing and came across this poem you shared. Thank you so much. just what i need when im feeling so down..it gave me comfort now.. "I am with you because I love you and I am in the Light."

Im glad you're feeling better Gail. Like you, i really really hate this ride. This is driving me crazy. Never asked for this. I had to log-off for a while, and composed myself, knowing this will pass too. I had to count from 100 backwards.. Letting it out helps a lot, thanks for replying. I was so mad before, remembered his promise that he will never leave me. we built dreams together. i was willing to give up everything to be with him. i felt cheated not by him, but by fate. today, i felt like rebelling..have been good all my life, why did this happen? maybe he is too good for me? maybe our love is not enough to overcome his illness? Oh well..enough for now, this is insane, i will never have my answers.

Gail, how are you feeling today? Erica, thank you so much. i thought i did well yesterday, but now i dont know. i feel crappy, how it hurts. he is not really coming back..i am still expecting him to come back. so, this is what my life will be? how could he leave me? it hurts so much. hope this will pass soon..

Hi Gail, I am glad it was not at all bad. I noticed that something/some event always happens on this day of the month, maybe it is God's way of lessening my pain..and i am grateful for this. I have the memories and am carrying them with me always. Hope your day went well too Gail.

Gail, will keep you in my thoughts and prayer. today is also my love's 5th month.

My dear Friends, Please say a prayer for my love. It is his 5 months today. Am sitting here writing, trying to remember our happy memories, yet i couldnt stop the hurting, and the tears. It feels like so many years had passed...i miss him badly. Dear God, please take good care of my baby. please send him my love, my hugs and kisses. please grant him peace and joy in your kingdom.. ~ i love you so much baby..we will be together again someday.

Oh William, you are making me emotional here. you have helped me a lot too in this difficult journey. at the end of the day, i hope i have touched one soul, have put a smile on someone's face..this would be enough for me...i try not to focus on my problems anymore...

Hello DoubleJo, I feel better today..savoring the good feelings while it last. You are so sweet to ask. My baby and I knew that his years are limited too because of his illness, but i never gave up. I have hopes in the advancement of science and medicine. We were only asking for a few years to be together, but it was not granted. Oh, i should stop now, i am starting to feel sad again..starting to feel the unfairness of everything again. If given the chance, i will still trade my future years in exchange of spending one day with him. How i love him so much... Kayc, My father was killed when i was 14, it was very traumatic for me to look at his pictures and see how he died. I couldnt imagine a human being could do such a cruel act. It was hard forgiving the man who murdered him. It took many months for me too, my relationship with God grew, and i leave all the anger and bitterness to Him. And one day, i found myself not feeling the hatred and anger anymore, it was the first time i found peace, and i felt free too. It was a good feeling, and by letting go of the anger, i was able to go on too, My family was struggling at that time, my mother tried so hard to raise us well and give us good education. I know my father is happy and at peace now from above. We have fulfilled his dreams for us, to have a degree. Though sometimes, i miss him, and wish he were with me especially during these times...

Karen, i am very sorry to hear about your mother in law's passing. You are a special person and i pray that God will give you strength to go through this loss. I am sending u a HUG...

I am happy for you Suzanne. You have done what you feel is right, and now you found peace. I hope your journey to healing will continue.

DoubleJo, So true, very few are lucky to have experienced that kind of love. You have experienced that not only once, but twice. I am glad for you. For me, i have only shared a few months with my love, but it felt like spending several decades with him and i will forever be grateful that i was given that opportunity to love and be loved by him. i dont want to be bitter with love and life, though sometimes i feel scared of what lies ahead. but when that day comes that i will love again, i still want to love like i have never been hurt.. an old irish proverb says.. "Work like you don't need the money; dance like no one is watching; sing like no one is listening; love like you've never been hurt; and live life every day as if it were your last. "

William, Does a person love as much again? I ask myself this question too..will i ever love that way again? I have been hurt badly, i am scared to give my all again. I dont want to think of 'what ifs' but i cant help it. I dont want to plan for my future now. I did it once, but God and fate have other plans for me. Better to take it one day at a time...

"At least I can say that I loved her with all my heart, soul, spirit and body, in every way I knew how to and in some I didn't. At least I can say that I didn't hold anything back that was mine to give. They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I am not sure about that, but I would say that the place I'm in arguably beats wondering if I missed out on something that might have been." Bob, Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. Like you, I have given all the love i can give, this is my only consolation, that he knew and have showned him how much i loved him, and at the same time i have felt how much he loved me. It is too painful that he was taken away from me so sudden. No one is perfect, but by loving someone we also accept the imperfections of that person. We live, we make mistakes, and what is important is we learn. I can say, i have learned a lot in my sufferings. Again, thank you for a very inspiring post.

Gail, thank you for your support. i tried hard to control my emotions all through the wedding. it was made worse by some well-meaning friends who asked me why it is hard for me to move on after all those months? I had to control myself so hard, and grit my teeth so not to say harsh words, but i have to tell them that i am still not ready to socialize again. i broke down right after i arrived home. it felt good to cry, and to release it. i hope next time will be better..most of my friends are getting married soon. oh well, i have to brace myself. William, i accepted the invitation thinking that i will be able to handle it. i did well but the aftermath was really bad. I have been declining invitations since the last 5 months, but this one i couldnt refuse. im glad it is over now. life goes on..glad to know i am not alone. Thank you for being here.