lyn

Dear Friends, i need to vent again, please bear with me. i attended the wedding of a friend yesterday, and i arrived home feeling miserable. until now, i couldnt get over the event. i am so stupid to attend the wedding, i thought i was ready. it was the first wedding i have attended after almost 5 months. i felt nauseated now, oh God, i couldnt stop thinking i could have been married now if only he did not die. it is not fair..why are we not given the chance? it is not fair..

Kayc, thank you for your inspiring post. i have hope that someday my relationship with God will be fully restored. For a while, i turned my back from Him, i was so angry and i blamed Him, yet He never turned His back on me. i realized that He is always carrying me through all my sufferings. I still couldnt bring myself to go to church or attend a mass, and all i can utter is a simple prayer..pls help me, heal me Lord. I am waiting for that day that i will fully understand the reasons, it may be that these are all part of His greater plans for me. William, our loved ones all have imperfections. i pray that you will be able to let go of the hurt she caused you, of keeping secrets from you. cherish the happy memories you have with her. On the other hand, I speak from my own experience, i was able to find peace again when i was able to forgive the man who murdered my father several years ago...

Hello Allalone, I am very sorry for your loss, and I hope things will get better for you. There are so many caring people on this site, and they have been a great support to me during my lowest moment. Grief is an exhausting, painful journey and posting here helped me a lot. This 'roller-coaster ride' has been the craziest part of the journey, and oftentimes i wanted to get out. But we have to allow ourselves to feel all those emotions for us to heal. Healing takes time, but eventually we will. I also try to console myself with the thought that my love is in a much safer place now, free of pain, free of sufferings. You had a wonderful relationship with your mom and she will always be with you. Wishing you peace and healing. lyn

Patti, You are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this day. Hugs to you..

Dear Deb, I relate well to how you feel. There is a dream that i couldnt forget which happened few months ago. Presently, I live with my mother and she is in good condition, but i constantly worry about her health. 5 months ago, I dreamt of seeing her lying inside the casket. It was very disturbing, i woke up feeling very sad. I could never accept if something bad will happen to her. I remember telling my fiance about this awful dream but not the whole details. He comforted me and told me that I am a very sensitive person and most of the time, some situations do affect me and manifest in my dream. My love died one week after that dream. I still couldnt get over that dream. Was it telling me something? have i not been sensitive enough to warn him? I am trying to find peace, but i am deeply saddened everytime i remember this. I hope that by posting it here i will find peace in some way. Sometimes, letting it out helps a lot. I hope this will work for both of us.

Thank you William, i feel much better now though this lump in my throat wouldnt go away. I am glad for the support all of you have given. There will be better days to come..for now, i try to look at the blessings i have. These trials are all shaping us, molding us and making us stronger and better individuals. I understand when u say about feeling numb with the good things, it is indeed difficult to appreciate them when we are in pain, however we should also try to be easy with ourselves. We have been through a lot.. battered souls (this is how i feel). Maybe, we can try to be grateful of some little things..and still smile through the pain. Remember the little shoebox you told us before?..hmmm...maybe it is about time we open it again. tell me what do we have there? I hope you will be able to find a good home soon..some people can really be uncaring(including that landlord of yours) . it looks overwhelming now..but you will always have our love and support.

thank you for your encouragement Corinne. it is hard but we will get through this. i am getting strength from all of you here. william, how was your search for your new home? i remember i have done that once and it was a very tiring and frustrating experience, but this is another story. hugs to all of u..thank you for being here..

I wish i can just walk away from the pain. I tried to sleep it out..i slept for 15 hours straight..hah! but i still woke up with a heavy heart. I dont know where to get my strength anymore. I feel so tired. I know there will be brighter days ahead, but it is hard to believe it when you are the one stuck on this. one day, one hour, one minute at a time. pls heal me Lord..pls heal my broken heart.

That is exactly how i felt the other day William. It is so sad to know that my baby is no longer here with me to share my thoughts, my fears, my doubts. I often doubt my capabilities, but he was the first one to believed on me, to push beyond my limits. I often wonder how long i can go on? i hear myself saying, i dont want this life anymore, i want to give up. enough is enough. i can no longer bear the pain, i am not strong. but there's nothing i can do but to cry. all the feelings just explode. what is the use of going through life without him? the man i love so much was taken away from me...why am i still here, i dont want to live this life without him.

Thank you for being there for me derek..for allowing me to cry. In the past days i thought i was doing well, i was even counting the days that i did not cry. But yesterday, some events triggered the pain again, the fact that i will not be able to see him anymore hit me so hard, it felt like i was coming back to stage 1 again..it felt like that day i learned of his death..i was in denial, and i was in deep pain. kayc, i remember everything. i remember his voice, his smile, his love. thank you for sharing the song. if i were to live my life again, i will still live it this way, yes, there is so much pain, but i am forever grateful for the beautiful love i have shared with him. Wendy and Corinne, we will always miss our loved ones.'if tomorrow..' made me cry too. it is a poignant song. but one thing i'm sure of, he had let me feel how much he love me. his love for me is my strength, my comfort and it will help me endure the coming days ahead. DoubleJo, most of the time it feels like all the pieces of my heart are scattered in the depth of the ocean, but you are right, they never fall. everyday, i tried to fix it slowly. this pain, this heartaches, together with the happy memories, these are all parts of the precious moments i have with him.

Thank you derek, i really appreciate it. i feel so bad, i couldnt describe the intensity of the pain. i want to see him, i want him to come back..but he is forever gone. i still couldnt accept it. oh God, why does it hurt so bad?

i am missing my baby terribly. please pray for me, it hurts so badly..need some shoulder to cry on. i wish i will wake up now from this nightmare..i miss him terribly.

Hello DoubleJo, How are you feeling tonight? I am thinking of you and hope you feel much better now.

I really love your sense of humor Wendy. You always make me smile.. . Hope you have a goodnite..I am glad you are feeling better now.

Dear DoubleJo, The change in weather can really affect our emotions. I understand when u said you feel like being suctioned by the unknown. It is very scary and there are times I have often wished to let go and to give up too. It would just be easy to go with the current instead of fighting against it. But we have to..we have to survive. I feel your deep pain, and i want to send you a BIG hug and prayers. Crying certainly helps. Sometimes, it feels so overwhelming and it is ok to let go of the tears and to feel all those emotions. I know you will be able to get through this..We are here for you.

Dear Teny, I have read somewhere that you will start to feel better after 1-3 weeks of taking the medications. And better improvement in as much as 6 weeks. Please hang on and keep posting here. We care for you.

I am so sorry for your loss Shelley. It must be very hard for you and the children. Will keep all of you in my prayers.

Hello Shell, I have done so much soul searching too and one day, it finally dawned on me what is my purpose here. I couldnt exactly describe how I feel, but it is a mixture of joy and peace. I feel great that finally, I was able to figure it out. I have a long journey ahead, but I am glad I have a sense of direction now. I ask God for guidance and strength that I will be able to fulfill His will for me.

Hello Wendy, Sending u a BIG, BIG hug right this moment . I hope u will feel better soon. Right now im just listening to some instrumental music feeling melancholic. I am amazed that i was able to listen to some songs now. For the past 4 months, i tried to avoid listening to music because it stirred very deep pain. I do feel sad, and you know what i did just a while ago, i wrote him a mail, knowing he will be able to read it from above.. . You will be fine Wendy, you are a strong woman, you have survived the past 8 months..just think that u will survive this another night again..Here's another BIG hug again...

Hello Shubom, It is perfectly normal to feel that way. I am 29, the man i love so much died 5 months ago. It hurts deeply..very deeply, we would have been married by now. But here i am, alone, trying to go on. I feel my future was taken away from me. I feel cheated. It is still very hard to accept, yet i have no choice but to go on, to face life bravely. I still find it hard to go out with my friends. They always go out as couples, so happy together. I dont envy them and im happy for them, but it just makes me sad that i am alone. I still couldnt bring myself to attend parties, function, much more a wedding. It is ok Shubom, dont force yourself to attend these events if u feel you are not ready. I know i am not ready for a relationship too. I will feel it when the right time comes. For now, i am enjoying my own company, i am trying to be easy with myself, discovering some skills. They say that the best thing comes when u dont expect it. I dont know if this is true. But try not to rush into things, fate has a way of making things happen. I have learned this in a painful way. Better not to expect anything, but to live each day as it is and enjoy what it will offer. I will keep you in my prayers...Take care.

Hi Bob, It is indeed a relief and i treasure it..Thanks. Btw, about the link you post here re:happiness, i wonder why i cannot load the video..it keeps on saying 'loading video' for a looonnng time. I really want to listen to the talk.

Yes Karen, they are so real, and what i like most is their honesty..I have been feeling good lately, and would like to share the joy i felt. ~~~ Wendy, i wouldnt wonder if u will stay up late tonight..with all those doughnuts u've eaten.. If only all of us live close, it would be nice to spend the weekend together and share a cup of coffee and lots of food..

welcome back william..glad your appointment went well. ~~~ hi there wendy..no more doughnuts left?? ~~~ i hope u are safe where u are karen..thanks for sharing your son's pic.

Hi Derek, I am glad you are feeling much better now. when i first read your post, all i can do is offer a prayer for you and carson. hope u have a good sleep tonight.

Dear Friends, I woke up today feeling refreshed. After many 'low' days, I am grateful to feel these good feelings. Life is still beautiful despite the heartaches and pains. I am thankful that i was able to experienced that kind of love..i am thankful for the memories..i am thankful for the many blessings that i have received. Oh, i can really feel him smiling at me from above. I feel so at peace and i feel good. Have a good day everyone. Love you all. I consider you all as my family, and i want to thank you for all the help and advice you have given me.