lyn

Kay, sometimes i feel this way too, and i allow myself to feel the anger. but i am more angry of the fact that he left me so sudden. there are still days that i wish i died with him so as not to feel this terrible pain. we will get through this. these days i noticed that i am thinking more of the good memories we shared together..i am thankful to God for this..

this brought a lump to my throat. if only we were given that chance too..if only we are given the power to heal...

hello William, how are you feeling now? I just read your post and i want u to know that i keep you in my prayers. we care about you and i hope you will not resort to self-destructive behaviors. there are other ways to focus your anger and depression. u have done the best part by being on this forum and sharing your feelings with us. it is a good therapy..to talk about it and to let it out. we are always here to listen to you. also, compliance to medication is important. and try to spend some time outdoors when u feel u cannot control your emotions..do some exercise, for this can really lift the mood. i hope you will feel better soon..keep sharing your thoughts..

Dear Shelley, I feel sad for the little girl and her family. It is still unbelievable why accidents happen like this, so young, so innocent, so pure. I pray for her soul and for her family that they will have enough strength to handle her death.

Dear Christian, I am very sorry for your loss. Fifteen years ago, i lost my father through a very terrible way of dying. He was murdered brutally. Reading your post now brought back a lot of emotions. I remember those early months, i felt so numb, and very angry with the man who killed him. At a young age of 14, i saw the ugliness and brutality of the world. It was very traumatic for me. But as months pass by, my relationship with God grew, and I was able to forgive and pray for the man who murdered him. It was hard at first, but by letting go of the anger, i found peace again. I miss my father so much. How i wish he is with me now to comfort me during my darkest moments, how i wish i can feel his hugs again. Life can really be pretty cruel, but we have to go on. Hang in there Christian. Whenever i feel guilty, whenever i find myself thinking of 'should haves', i just have to think that our loved ones will never want us to feel guilty in any way. You have showned your mother how much u love her. When my mother got sick and wont eat, i got really scared and will do everything to make her eat. You have done the best thing that you could at that time. I will keep you in my prayers Christian.

Karen, thanks for the prayers. You have always been a sweet, caring 'mother' to us.. William, I had to sign-off last night too because of too much tears, i was very upset. I cant believe we are all crying together, but it comforts me to know that i am not alone, that we are together on this. Yes, i am so tired acting the 'role play', but i have to do it coz i dont want my mother to worry, i dont want my family to worry about me. I still cant bring myself to go out with friends. I couldnt pretend acting i am happy when deep inside i am hurting. I know they mean well, but it is so hard when i see all of them together as 'couples', it makes me feel more alone. It seems we are again falling backwards, but i believe this will pass through. Please hang on, continue to have faith. For me, i believe, we have already been touched by God through this experience. It doesn't make sense now, but i know someday it will.

Wendy, Nothing in life seems fair anymore. I couldnt count the number of times i have told God how unfair he is to me, How could he take away the man i love so much. I have told Derek once that i read a lot of the posts here and i envy all of you because you were able to spend time with your loved ones..that you were able to spend time taking care of them..How i wish i was given that chance too.. This is a real heavy day..hope tomorrow will be better..we will get through this.

William, It is terribly hard..it is terribly painful. I am angry with our situation because i couldnt be there with him.. i feel so helpless and angry because i couldnt do anything. My eulogy was read by his family during his funeral and they put a special thing on his coffin that came from me.. Talking about this is too painful for me, i wonder how long can i go on?

William, I felt compelled to reply to your post. Like you, i was not able to see his gravesite too, was not able to attend his funeral because of the distance between us. I relate to the pain you are feeling, i know how hard it is. There are days that all i want to do is lay on top of his grave and spend the whole night there, but i couldnt do it and it tears me apart. Writing about it now breaks my heart again..

Hi Derek, No plans this weekend, will stay home and do some housework. I was really depressed the past few days, stayed on bed most of the time..wishing sleep will take away the pain. My sister have an apple tree and it really tastes very sweet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bob, I hope u will get well soon..

Marty, This is a beautiful song. I wish I will be together again with him soon.. WaltC, I am glad to see u here again. I hope you are doing better. I miss those songs that u have posted here before.

Maury, Like you i am also an optimist, and i can relate to what you are feeling. Sometimes, it is really hard to stay afloat when you are bombarded by several problems. However, your positive outlook will help a lot. It may seem be full of worries today, but i can assure you it will pass. Allow yourself to reflect on them. You have come this far, and my prayers are with you as you approach the one year anniversary. And u have a nice sense of humor..great picture here..Thanks for sharing this. It made me smile.

Thank you for this Karen. This is really sweet. How i wish that we will also be able to get answers everytime we send something to God. I remember the envelope you told us where we put our troubles. It never get answered, but we feel good mailing it, and it lifted our worries away.

Dear Teny, You are in my prayers that you will be able to get through this day. I am sending you my love, hugs and support...

Art, I am so sorry for your wife. I am on my 5 months now, still dealing with the hardships of grieving. I couldnt say how long it will take to get better, but i have learned to live with the different emotions that come with grieving. I lost the man i love so much 5 months ago. He was 43, I am 29. We were never given the chance to be together and until now i couldnt fathom the answers. I realized it is the quality of time spent together that matters. We were only together for few months but it felt like spending many decades with him. He has a very beautiful heart, has passion in helping the poor. He touched my life as well as many others. I still have a long journey ahead, and most of the time i am slipping backwards. However, this group has helped me a lot. Their stories and faith have inspired me to keep moving, knowing i am not alone in this journey. People keep telling me that I still have a great future. It is hard for me to believe, they are not on my shoes. They have never experienced this pain i am feeling. I have stopped looking ahead, i have stopped planning for my future, i have stopped dreaming, instead i am only taking each day as it comes..one step at a time no matter how hard. Please feel free to share your story with us. It has been very cathartic for me to write my thoughts, i hope it will work for you too.

why is it that i am falling backward again when i thought i am already doing better? i feel terribly tired emotionally. it is very exhausting. i dont want to ride the 'roller coaster' anymore..

Oh Karen, she looks so cute..seems like she is really enjoying the music. I feel much better now looking at the pic. Thank you karen, just allow me to give you a big hug for lifting my mood.

Thanks Kayc, I was thinking of you today. I recalled all the advice you shared with us. You have been a source of strength for me. And i want to thank you again. Maylissa, I will do the candle ceremony tonight. It has been a very heavy day for me today, and i can only wish for more strength tonight. Thanks for sharing your experience in the orphanage. It enables me not to focus on my sufferings too much. You are a very sensitive person, Maylissa. I have read many of your posts here. You have so much compassion, and i believe that wherever u involve yourself, you will inspire others. Marty, thank you for the link. All the links you posted here have been an invaluable source of strength for me.

Gail, I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I dont know what to say, because like you, today feels so terrible to me..my heart is too heavy again. I need prayers badly. Karen, you just made me smile, i am thinking of sadie mae listening to music with the headphone. Thank u. can u post her picture here?

Thank you for the link Maylissa. It brought tears to my eyes as i read what each candle represents. I pray for courage and strength to face each day and hope for the future. Erica, I dread the coming of the holidays too, but i tried not to think too much of it. I let my birthday passed last month without celebration at all, i treated it as an ordinary day, and glad that it was finally over. What i plan to do this Christmas is to spend sometime in the orphanage. There are so many of them who needs love, and want to share it with them.

William, I will keep in mind that 'little box'..will have to remind myself to pull something there everytime i feel down. I need to open it right now too.. Wendy, i am sending u a big hug. Your husband is always with you, giving u strength each day. Try to think of the happy memories you shared together. You are a beautiful person because you have loved and cared so much.

Thank u so much shell. I really dont know what to think. You are right, it is driving me crazy..i hope i will get over this fear..I couldnt handle another death anymore...Oh God, what am i thinking?...

Something is bothering me the past few days. I couldnt shake it off my mind, and i guess i just have to let it out now. I get paranoid by the thought that when something happens, it usually comes in "three's". I feel scared thinking of this. A year and a half ago, my ex-boyfriend died in an accident. Almost 5 months ago, the man i love so much died because of heart illness. I feel scared of what lies ahead. I feel scared of my future. I feel scared that if ever i love again, he will also be taken away from me. I was devastatedly shaken and broken by his death few months ago, and i am only starting to live my life again, finding my way..but each day i feel like i am walking in a rope trying my best not to fall down. The fear keeps lingering.. Thanks for listening, i will really appreciate any advice you can give.

William, It is a funny thought.(like cartoons). i am glad we didnt lose our sense of humor. I agree that pets have their way of comforting us. When i am feeling so down, i cuddle my dog and play with my cat and they surely made me feel better. Diabetes is quite manageable, but if taken for granted, it can lead to many life-threatening illnesses. Just try to stick to a regular meal plan given by your dietitian, and engaged yourself in regular exercises too.

Hello Kelly, It is good to see u here again. I feel happy for u that you have found a new love. Everytime we open our heart to someone there will always be that risk that we have to take. But dont be afraid to take the risk, we become stronger and wiser by facing our fears. Take care..lyn