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Derek, thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. I thought I was progressing well, then all of a sudden the sadness hit me again with full force, and I feel like I am back to step 1. "He kept his promise in that he stayed with you the rest of his life. "..this is so beautiful..and so true. Thanks again. I hope you are doing well too. My prayers are with you and Carson.

Why did u leave me when you promised me that we will share many years together? I couldnt understand why I feel angry with you now. I know if you had a choice, you would have stayed with me. I remember those days that I was so cautious with my safety because I never would want you to worry if something bad happened to me. God, it hurt so bad, Im starting to ask the 'whys' again. Broken and bleeding heart, shattered dreams are what's left of me. It still hurt badly baby. Please let me wake up now from this nightmare.

I had what I had and I'm glad of it. We used to say that eventhough we only shared few months together, it seemed like sharing decades of our lives. He used to tell me that not every couple have the love and closeness we shared eventhough most of them have too many years together. I had what I had and I didnt have any regrets. I have given my all, have showned him all the love I can give. This comforts me, that he always carries my love with him wherever he is. I have to stop thinking why we were not given the chance, still I am glad I have shared the last few months of his life and have given him joy. I couldnt say of marriage life for I've never been married. I am 29 and my dreams were shattered 8 months ago. We used to discuss marriage life, that it is not a bed of roses, that there will be lots of hard times but we believe we will be able to get through them as long as we are together. Things turn out differently. At this point, I am not ready for any relationship and I dont know if I will ever love that way again. Fate has strange ways of doing things. I take it one day at a time. I allow fate and nature take their course. Let God's will be done, not mine.

Annie, Sharing your parent's story will surely help and inspire other people. They will be very proud of you and your brother. I hope you will continue to touch other people's lives. I guess all things happen for a reason. Sometimes, it is hard to see the reason behind when we are struggling with our suffering, but in God's own time, we will be able to comprehend it. What is important is how we deal with this suffering and rise above it. I keep you in my prayers.

I've been pondering on this thought many times too. Nothing on this world is permanent anymore. Good for most of you here, you were given the chance to share a marriage and many years with your loved one and you have kids. It still hurts to think that I was deprived of this chance. My love and I both knew that his years are limited due to his illness, and we were only asking and praying for few years to be together, yet we were not given that chance. I dont know my fate, i dont know what lies ahead. In a matter of seconds, my life can be changed unexpectedly or tragically as what happened almost 8 months ago. I wonder how much time I have left..I wonder if I will ever love that way again, and everytime I think of this, I talked to him and tell him that he should be the one to choose the one for me, and that he should give me a sign when that time comes. I find comfort in knowing that he never left me at all, I feel his love, his guidance and his encouragement whenever I feel down. It still hurts so much though..and I miss him badly.. ~~Life continues for both of us. I am with you because I love you and I am in the Light.

Gail, how are you feeling today? I have days like these too where i felt Im back to square one again. Yesterday was not a good one for me but I survived it after a good cry. Please know that we are here for you and we love you. Sending you a big HUG.. Karen, what you posted struck me. How i wish I had a friend who can really relate to my grieving process. But I never would want any of them to go through what I've gone through..it is too painful. Almost all of them are looking forward to marrying their partner. And well here I am..last year I was very happy when I told them that I am going to marry my love. I didnt expect that my fate will turn out differently. God, how it hurts so much.

William, we are fortunate that we have experienced true love in our lifetime. We may or may not love again. But remember that when we love someone, the experience will be unique as each of us is special in our own ways. Embrace the experience, grow from the pain, relish the joy that you get each day, no matter how brief, it is still a joy and immerse yourself in something that interest you. Try not to think of the future, but take each day as it comes, one day, one hour and even a minute at a time. For me, I noticed that the pain intensifies everytime I found myself thinking about the future. I have to consciously stop my thought before it turns into a 'snowball' and gets worse. I remind myself to just try to get through this day. I am sorry you are having such a hard time now. Feel free to vent and post, we are always here for you. My prayers are with you as you approach your 9th anniversary.

Wendy, I used to do that before, I stayed away from any movies/ any shows/ any music. I wouldnt say that I got over the hurdle, but it is more like a cathartic experience for me. I immersed myself to watching this kind of movies and allow myself to go through the different emotions. It is like going through a workshop to let out all the feelings. Yes, I cried a lot, and it was a very exhausting experience, but after a few hours I feel some kind of peace. I wouldnt say that I am letting go for He will always be with me, but I'm learning now how to live and ride the 'roller-coaster' thing.

Thank you for the hugs and support my dear friends. I guess this is all part of the process?? Few months after his death, I couldnt even bring myself to watch any movie or shows at all, much more a love story. I lose my desire to read any books. I have always been a booklover. I lose my passion for music, when all my life music has been a big part of me. Slowly, I noticed I am beginning to regain these interests. I started listening to music again and it has helped a lot in my healing. I have started to read books again and have started to watch movies which I can relate to. I guess my road to healing continues step by step. And everytime, I can feel him encouraging me, prodding me to go on. I noticed that whenever I feel happy, I feel his presence too, I feel his joy too and I feel at peace. One thing I'm sure, I will always carry his love with me in every step I make.

I need to let this out again. Have been crying since last night. I watched an old movie 'Ghost'..and it triggered so much tears again. How I wish to feel his physical presence, to feel his touch..to hear his voice. Is our loved one still with us but we cannot just feel them? I miss him that it hurts too much again.. ~I take your love with me always..all the time baby..

Kay, Please take good care of yourself and dont ignore those symptoms. Have those tests as soon as possible, and please let us know how you are doing. Im worried about you. We all care for you here.

Gail, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish you continous healing and peace. We will always be here for you. We are lucky we have found our soulmate, I pray that the happy memories will always sustain us through the coming days..

My heart feels soo heavy today, I am trying not to think that tomorrow is my love's 7th month. I kept myself busy to numb the pain. But I couldnt stop the tears as I read your post today Lily. It is so beautiful.."Love doesn't make sense unless somehow it lasts forever...." It is his legacy to me. Indeed, I would still choose to go through the pain to be with him again.

Aww..sorry for the confusion Drew. How are you doing now? When I first got the news of the death of my love, my whole world shattered. It was my mom whom I turned to first, I cried and cried on her shoulder, and she just allowed me to cry. She knew how much I love him, how much we love each other. It was the first time I broke down, and crying on her shoulder gave me the strength I needed at that time. I am so grateful that I have also found this site, this allows me to express my thoughts and feelings. My journey was made bearable..I am on my 7 months now. How time flies so fast, I miss him everyday, but I tried to focus on the happy memories I have with him. Allow yourself to cry if you need to. We will always be here for you.

Drew, My heart goes out to you. I am at loss for words, but I want you to know that there are a lot of caring people on this site and I do hope we can ease the pain you are feeling. It seems to me that you are a very loving and caring daughter. Please keep posting here. Letting it out will help lighten the heaviness in your heart. I will keep you and your mom in my prayers..

hi Wendy, Palpitations may be cause by fluid retention since they are forcing fluids into her to help flush the chemo out of her sytem. There are lots of side effects of chemo but most of them are manageable. Hope this link helps you. You and your mom are in my thoughts. http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/chemoth...-you/page7#SE11

hey Shell..im blushing here. . haha..at least I gave you a good laugh last night.

lol...now i know. thanks wendy.

Wendy, I will keep you and your mom in my prayers. I think the common side effects of chemo are nausea, vomiting and fatigue. We are all here for you Wendy..Please let us know how she is doing..

How's it going with your new home? I can imagine.. ..have done a lot of moving a few years back, and transferring home is really stressful but new environment may somehow help...

Dusky, welcome back. You have always given us good and comforting advices. I wish you all the best with your book and I look forward to reading it.

It is almost 7 months for me but I still havent touched nor moved the things he gave me. I set them aside knowing there is a right time to look at them. I will know it when that time comes. I feel weird sometimes, and I wonder when to get the courage to look and sort them.

Thank you my friends. I feel much better now. He said sorry to me the day after and I told him not to do it again. I seldom get angry and as much as possible I keep myself calm and walk out of the situation whenever I can. But sometimes some instances prompt me to stand up for what I think is right.. Shell, what is BS? Im lost here..

William..welcome back..good to see you here again..miss you..HUGS

I still feel very angry today. I came home from work very tired and just wanted to sleep and I found my older brother getting drunk and making a lot of noise and disturbance on us and with the neighbors. We had a fight over it. It seems the past few days, my patience is being stretched a lot, and I just explode today. Oh, it feels good to talk about it, but I am still angry though. I wonder if I did the right thing confronting him about it...