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Kitty, I find it very hard to listen to any kind of music for the first few months. Music is my life too. I used to play in the band years ago, but when I lost him I felt it was extreme torture whenever I hear any songs and I have to cover my ears literally not to hear any sounds. Gradually, my interest in music came back and I find it very healing. I can listen now to any kinds..from slow rock to classical to instrumental and meditation. Music sets the mood, relate to how I feel, and serves as my companion whenever I feel low. Just give it some time, eventually you will regain the interest again... Hugs to you.

Hi Maury, how are you feeling now? Go with that comfort food and treat yourself well, and think of the happy times you have with her. I talked with someone today who lost his wife and daughter almost 2 years ago and I asked him how he was coping. He told me that there are still days that are hard, but what is important is the 'attitude' on how we deal with things and that he never lost his faith with God. It may be hard at times but we just have to continue to keep pulling ourselves. Whenever we feel down, just try to think that..'This too shall pass..' ~~~~~ Karen, please know that you have our support and love. I have read your post and I pray that you will be able to surpass the trials that you are encountering right now. Sending you my love and (((hugs))..

Hello Teny, I hope you are feeling well now. Please take good care of yourself and don't miss your antibiotics. I understand how difficult it is with the many dates coming up, but it is also important that we should take good care of our health. We are always here for you and hope your health will continue to get better.

Thank you for your replies, it helps to know that someone understands. It can really get frustrating at times. I used to be driven too, but all that changed, now I tend to procrastinate a lot, and I know it's not doing me any good. I feel tired 'though I am not doing lots of physical works, the emotional exhaustion sucks. Last night I went to bed reflecting on what I really want to do, but my mind is just too tired to focus, so I end up praying that I hope I can sleep well the rest of the night. Part of me is scared of making plans now for my future. After what Ive gone through it's hard to build dreams again, but I have to try. I have been doing lots of volunteer work too and it helps a lot. Almost 10 months and I noticed the tears dont come much often now, but the heaviness lingers everyday. I have read what Marty wrote on the other thread about allocating a certain amount of each day going through your grief. I want to try it maybe it will work for me. I just feel sad that I've lost the drive and well, I dont know what to do about it.

How do you bring back the "drive"? the desire to improve one's self? the desire to learn something new, or to go with your goal? I've lost this drive and it seems hard to get it back. I still want to achieve some goals, yet I couldnt find the focus, the desire to go for them unlike before. My mind is willing to try again, but my body is tired..

Derek, My thoughts are with you today. I know it is hard but you are a strong person and you are doing well. Your faith have been an inspiration for us, and I hope you will continue to do so. I am glad you have found joy and love again, you have given us hope that one day we will also be able to learn how to live life again.

Lily, You are not alone. Cant help the tears as I read your post because this is exactly how I feel. I understand, I care. This is such a sad, sad journey that we all have to take. We have no choice but to push through, wishing somehow that we will be able to find peace and healing. 9 months along this road, one will think it is much better now. It is getting difficult, everyday I wonder where to get the strength to keep me going. I hang on to every chance of hope and joy that I get, even for a minute, even for a second, and had to affirm again what I have told myself months ago that I will never let this suffering destroy me. I am still here, I am still living, and still would want to live my life the best that I can. How I have often wished I am dead too, how I have envied acquaintances and friends that have long passed away. But as I reflect on this, I feel I am not ready yet, there are still some things I would like to do, some purpose I would like to accomplish. When my time will come, I would not want to have any regrets. It is too sad that my love is not here with me physically, still I believe his spirit is always with me, prodding me to move forward, wanting me to go on, and I will. The tears continue, let it flow, we are holding you.

My friends, thank you for responding. I have lots of thoughts, want to write how I feel but I am loss for words. Strange. Everything's been a blur lately. But please know, I appreciate the support you gave me.

It's the 9th month, and I feel numb. I should stop counting. I feel like a robot, couldnt feel anything, or am I just trying hard to control the feelings. Deep down it still hurt a lot. A friend asked me how am I doing today, and I told her it hurts like hell. She said, time will eventually heal the wound, and that I should just keep on praying. I told her that I have stopped praying anymore. I dont know. I still have some faith left but I couldnt bring myself to pray anymore. Its good friday, and I should be reflecting on the importance of this day, but I feel passive. I miss my old self, I miss the way I smile easily at things, the way I love life before. Now, the feeling's gone..just couldnt find any reason to smile anymore.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I often wonder if I will ever be happy again. I can only see emptiness and sadness in my eyes. Everyday, I try to find some joy with simple things but I still feel like a robot, going through each day with that empty feeling. I wake up, eat, work..and that's it, only looking forward to go home after work to sleep. How I wish I can sleep forever. There are still times that I wish that I will never wake up at all. I am not suicidal too. I just feel tired of dealing with the sadness and emptiness each day. At 29, how do i start my life again? I have to stop writing now, the tears are starting to well up...

Happy birthday Jo. I wish you good health, strength and comfort. (( HUGS))

Oh, sorry for the confusion Annie, but I'm talking about my fiance. He often appeared in my dreams during the first month, I know it was his way of comforting me, and the last dream I had about him was he gave me some signs that he is at peace now. He was not talking at all, but I sense the peace he wants to convey to me, and the assurance that he will always be with me. I did not receive any signs from my father. I dont know why, I was too young when he died and maybe I was not conscious of the signs he sent. All I know is that he wanted me and my siblings to finish our degree, and we did eventually. I believe he is at peace now too.

Elizabeth, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I understand. My father was murdered 15 years ago. One will think I had gotten over the images, but I didnt. I can still clearly imagine the way he died. I have seen the photos, have seen how cruel one person can be. I would not want to describe it graphically but it stuck with me even up to this time. It is very traumatic, I still feel sad that he died that way. I was 14 that time, but I have also learned to forgive the man who killed him. It was not easy, I turned to God to help me forgive him and eventually, the forgiveness came after 2 years. Eventhough the verdict was given, I didnt feel that it was enough to compensate the way he killed my father. But I tried to leave it as it is and I let go of the anger and hurt. With the death of my fiance last year, my faith was shaken and I am on the process of building my life again. As what Bob said, I have decided to stop asking the whys many months ago and tried to leave things as they are. It takes lots of conscious effort to stop the thoughts and images from coming, but it will be worth it once you get used to stopping it. It worked well for me too. There's nothing more I can do but to make the most of my life now, to try to enjoy the present and find some peace on it. I wish you continous peace and healing. Please hang in there, continue to post here, we listen and we care for you.

Annie, your post made me smile. I am happy for you that you had that chance to talk with your Dad. I have always believe that our loved ones are capable of contacting us. During the first month of his death, he often appeared in my dreams, I believed it was his way of assuring me that he is ok up there. I felt that I dont have any unresolved issues with him, just like with you and your mom. Yes, I was left devastated and suffering when he died, but I know that we both have showned how much we love each other and we both have given our all. In the end, this is what really matters, that we love sincerely and fully. I hope your healing continues.

Scotty, I dont think you are losing your mind. It is a phase we have to go through especially during the early months. I also got preoccupied with my own death and putting things in order. But I think, I got too exhausted that I let go of 'putting things in order'. I just let things as they are. One thing that got me worried though is that I couldnt imagine my loved ones going through the pain that I have gone through. I hope the coming days will get easier for you.

I work in the hospital and everyday it is still painful. I am haunted by the thoughts of him lying on the hospital bed without me. I feel bad that I was not there with him. It takes a lot of focus and courage, but I tried to give the best care that I can give to every patient I have in honor of his memory.

William, I will keep you in my prayers for strength and comfort as you go through the day. Please hang on, it will be hard but we are always with you. I hope that she will also give u some signs to bring u comfort again. Ask for it, and I hope it will come soon. Everytime I need some sign from him, I asked for it before I sleep, wishing that he will visit me in my dream. Most often, I couldnt remember my dreams but i woke up in the morning feeling comforted and peaceful and I know in my heart he was there with me all through the night.

I am so sorry for your loss C-C. Please hang in there, and keep expressing your feelings here. There are lots of compassionate people on this site and they have helped me tremendously in my grief. Your soulmate will always be with you. I know how hard and painful it is. Here's a virtual (hugs) for you, I dont know what to say, but please know that I care and I will keep you in my prayers.

I was not able to attend my fiance's funeral too. My eulogy was read by his family and they kept me updated with everything. On the day of his funeral, I went to church, offered a mass for him and lighted several candles. Every month i offered a mass for him, and everytime i feel down, I light a candle and talk to him. I feel his presence comforting me. It is still hard to believe that he is gone now. 8 months had passed, there are days that I am ok, feeling numb but there are also days that the pain is unbearable and I couldnt stop the tears from flowing. Expressing your feelings is very important, you can write a journal, talk to a friend or a counselor or you can post here and I can assure you that we will be here for you. Take it one day at a time and take good care of your health. Grieving is very exhausting, you will have different emotions and they say its like a roller coaster ride. It's a mixture of feelings -denial, anger, sadness, depression, numbness, emptiness. Allow yourself to feel all these, cry if you want to, let the tears flow. I wish that I could say to you that one day it will get better. I am also hoping it will for me. I will keep you in my prayers, please hang on.

Marlene, We all are hurting, and its good to know that we have this site that we can run to. I have friends and they know what Ive gone through but they couldnt relate to how I am feeling. And I wouldnt wish any of them to go through the pain that Ive gone through. It helps a lot that people here understand. It is my 8 month today and it feels like hell. I dont know where to get my strength anymore. Yes, minute by minute, I'll get through this, but it's just so hard. Im choking from the pain. How do u get on with your life without the one person you love most?

My heart warms reading this topic. I guess hope is what keeps us going all this time, sometimes it may flicker yet we keep it burning to survive. Hopefully, things will get better one day too. I am actually looking forward to that day that I could be happy again. I believe it will come soon. For now, I am learning to savor the little joy that come my way. Happy Valentines my dear friends.

Hi Derek, it's beautiful, made me smile today. The thought that he is in God's loving arms gives me some kind of peace. I know he is always watching over me.

Marlene, I am very sorry for the loss of your husband. I have asked the same questions over and over again until such time that my mind became too tired of exhausting all the answers. The whys are endless, and the answers are unavailable, but have faith that somehow someday, we will be able to understand why it happened. I feel bad for you, and for me that we have to go through this kind of pain at such a young age. I am 29, and I lost my love a month before we will get married. It hurts terribly, I am grieving his loss, his death. I am grieving the loss of a beautiful man, of a perfect relationship, I am grieving the loss of our shared dreams, of our unborn child and I am grieving the loss of the years and days that we would have spent together. I am almost on my 8th month and It still hurts so bad. I used to think when we were together how perfect life is, that I couldnt ask for more. But all of a sudden he was taken away from me, and I was crushed and broken, it took so much time for me to start living my life again. My faith was also shattered and up to this time, I am still passive with my relationship with God. Yet I know, He understands and is holding me through all these. Hang in there and keep posting, it has helped me a lot and I hope it will do the same for you too.

Thanks Kay for being here for me again. You always have the right words to say everytime I feel so down. I have been hibernating, still floating with this sense of emptiness. I woke up and decided that I have to at least force myself to smile. Huh, that was hard to do these days. I dont know if it this 'valentine thing' that is giving me the meltdown, but glad it will be over tomorrow. Anyway, I have decided to accept my friends' invite to go out and dine with them tomorrow. As what I have posted before, I wont let this pain and sadness rule all the hours of my life. Have to program my mind how to focus and enjoy life's little things again, hard as we all know it is. Now, I feel better just writing this. Thanks for listening.

Derek, Yes, I really feel discouraged and overwhelmed these days. Sometimes, i cant help wondering what I have done wrong to deserve this pain. We all know no one is to blame, the experiences we have are all random. Sometimes the thought of giving up is so tempting, but it is not a choice for me either, I still prefer to live the rest of my life. It feels like I am just floating now, going through the doldrums of each day. Im losing my sense of direction again, and I hate it. ~~~ Reatha, thanks. I do feel bad that he left me so sudden. I try to remember the good times, but it still left me with bittersweet feeling, couldnt do anything but to grit my teeth to control the tears. You know, I was even marking the days in the calendar that i dont cry, but when the sadness returns, I got toppled all over again and it is really bad. I hope this will pass soon.