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Mel, Music is a very important part of my healing. I hadn't heard that song in a long time. The words are so true. Music makes me cry but that's what I do best these days. I'm glad to see you post again. To me it is a brave thing to do...to put a part of our lives out here for others to share. I've discovered it is another important part of my healing and I think you find that to be true as well. Last year, it had been 8 days since Harry died suddenly, so I know that I was still in a state of shock and denial. We never did anything special for New Year's eve as he always had worked that day and had to work New Year's day too. He had to be up for work at 4:00 a.m so he would go to bed around 8 p.m. He would kiss me and say "See you next year!" Tomorrow would have marked his first anniversary of retirement. He was going to be walking out the door of the grocery store (he was a meatcutter) as a retiree January 1, 2008. That has been very difficult to accept. He worked so hard all his life and was so looking forward to being "his own boss" and our plans for camping and fishing. It was my first New Year's without him in 43 years. I continue to pray for everyone here. There is no magic to end this grief. We just have to keep taking it one minute/hour/day at a time.

Lately this song has been one that touches me. Here are the lyrics: How far are You, how close am I I know Your words are true and I don't feel them inside Still I believe You'll never leave So where are You now You're all I have, You're all I know Your breath is breathing in my soul Still I am gasping, aching, asking Where are You now Cause I just wanna be with You I just want this waiting to be over I just want to be with You And it helps to know the Day is getting closer Every minute takes an hour Every inch feels like a mile Til I won't have to imagine And I finally get to see You smile My journey's here, but my heart is There So I dream and wait, and keep the faith, while You prepare Our destiny, til You come back for me Oh, please make it soon! Cause I just wanna be with You I just want this waiting to be over I just want to be with You And it helps to know the Day is getting closer Every minute takes an hour Every inch feels like a mile Til I won't have to imagine And I finally get to see You smile I just wanna be with You I just want this waiting to be over I just want to be with You And it helps to know the Day is getting closer I just wanna be with You I just want this waiting to be over I just want to be with You And it helps to know the Day is getting closer Every minute takes an hour Every inch feel like a mile Til I won't have to imagine And I finally get to see You Every minute takes an hour Every inch feel like a mile Til I won't have to imagine And I finally get to see You smile

Fred, I also sometimes have trouble hitting that reply button in fear that I might say something to offend someone and not even realize it. I think I did that in the beginning when my grief was very raw. Someone responded that I needed to be careful how I worded things as members were at various stages of their own grief. No was is as good about beating me up as I am myself. For a while I was hesitant to post. So yes, I can relate to what you are saying. A very good idea. By the way, I have always felt you are one of the people here who seems to know just the right thing to say.

Fred, My youngest sister who has loved Harry since she was 6 years old just told me a few days ago how much she is hurting and she has felt like I think I'm the only one who misses him. That really upset me. I love my family dearly and I knew they were hurting but as I told her I haven't had the strength to help myself let alone anyone else and maybe I have been selfish in my grief and I'm sorry for hurting her. One thing I have learned this past year is that there are no right or wrong feelings. They are yours and you are entitled to them. I'm glad my sister was finally able to express what apparently she had been holding back for several months. It got it out in the open and we were able to talk about it. That same night was our family Christmas party at this same sister's home. We held a memorial ceremony to honor Harry and each of us spoke about him and a special memory we had of him. It was a moment of acknowledging the grief of every member of our family and I think a great healing took place that night. Your post talked about sharing our experiences. I'm not all that good at expressing myself but I hope in posting this it helps someone else here. Mike, Thanks for sharing the pictures of your dear Janet and sons. Although it was difficult for you today, I'm sure your efforts meant a great deal to your them.

Kim, Will continue to hold you and your children in my prayers. Love you too!

Teny, Today marks a year since Harry died. Although I know it won't last indefinitely, at this moment I have "peace that passes all understanding." I know God wants me to have it during every moment of my life if I will keep my heart fixed upon Him. You asked, "where is my life?" At times I get a glimpse of knowing that Harry is still with me...in my children, my grandchildren, my sisters, my brother-in-laws, our friends and on and on. He touched so many and I'm finding if I reach out and talk to those he loved and who loved him, a part of him still exists in them. I know your Yani is still with you too. In your children and all the other people who knew and loved him. I pray you will find comfort in them.

((((Kim)))), My heart breaks for the storms which are raging in your life right now. Today marks the first anniversary of Harry's sudden death and I have only to read your post to realize as bad as that feels I am blessed. My children and grandchildren are healthy. I lifted you and your children, your sister-in-law and mother-in-law up in prayer. I pray you'll get relief soon. You are a strong, giving and loving person. In spite of the pain you are in you are reaching out to help others. What courage that takes!

Karen, Thanks for posting that. So glad you are smiling and that your heartache is lessening. They say the best medicine is in helping someone else and I think your post proves that point. It gives others on this journey hope that the pain will lessen for us too. We need to celebrate our successes. Merry Christmas to you too!

A while ago, I printed out the Holiday Memorial by Sherry L. Williams from this website. I was conflicted about trying it right up til the time we did last night at the Christmas gathering with my sisters and their families. I lit a large candle with a pretty holly candle ring around it in honor of Harry's life. I said that instead of ignoring the fact of how much we were missing him (he died December 22, 2007) it might help us to confort it before we began our Christmas celebration this year. My youngest sister read the verses for each of the other five candles as my two children and 3 granddaughters (the youngest with assistance from their parents) lit them. Afterward, I asked if everyone would share a special memory of Harry. I have to say we laughed and cried but it helped us as we shared how important he was to each of us and acknowledged how much every person in the room has been affected by his death. We are a very close family but I have been in such pain I'm not sure I realized the extent the rest of my family has been suffering. I've been feeling a little selfish but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Now the door is open to talk with them in a way I haven't been able to until this point. My two children are coming tomorrow to spend the day with me and we will place a wreath in the yard where he died at the approximate time he died a year ago. These rituals of honoring Harry help me and I am realizing how important they are in the healing of all my family members as well. I am so thankful I have this website and all the people here to support me. My hope is that by posting how this has helped my family it will in some way benefit each of you.

Roses.docPat, Happy Birthday...it's not midnight yet. I tried to attached a vase of red roses but not sure it worked. You know what they say about the thought counting. So here's a ((((PattyAnn)))) instead if it doesn't show up.

Heartbroken, There doesn't seem to be an answer to this question. But you are not alone in asking it. I think we all have. I know I have questioned my faith but I also know that God is always there waiting to comfort me when I'm ready to let Him. I'm praying for you as a I pray for us all...that God will grant us the strength to get through this day. Hugs,

Teny, So glad to hear from you. I was wondering how close you were to the outbreak of violence. Very happy to hear you are safe. I don't feel like celebrating either. The first anniversary of my husband's death is just 3 days before Christmas. My two children are going to spend most of that day with me and we are planning to place a wreath in the yard where he died. It has a candle that lights up from dusk to dawn. I am hoping it gives me comfort to look out the window and see it glowing. You never know what is going to help and what is going to make you feel worse. All I know is I need to have a plan in place. It gives me some sort of peace knowing that I have a plan to physically do something to honor Harry. As far as Christmas goes, I going to try my best this year for the sake of my young granddaughters. Last year was very difficult for them and everyone else. Hugs and prayers,

Rosemary, You have something wrong in your post: "I seem to have "shut out" the few people who do care about me. Thank goodness there aren't too many!" Everyone here cares about you. Whatever you decide to do on Christmas will be the right thing for you but I'm hoping you will "let in" those around you. (((Rosemary)))

Kath, I'm so sorry you are hurting. I hope it helps you to know that someone has read this post and lifted you up in prayer. I wish I could take away your pain. Everyone here understands the pain that comes in knowing future plans and dreams with our loved ones will never come. (((Kath))) Sherry

Kim, Bless your heart! I'll be praying for health for your children and strength for you. Sherry

Heartbroken, I am so very sorry you have had to seek this group out. Hang on, post when you can and read what others are posting. I joined this group last January after my husband died unexpectantly in our back yard on December 22nd. I didn't post anything for quite a while but having this site to come to and read helped me know I was not alone. Keep taking it one minute at a time knowing that others are here praying for you and everyone here. Sherry

Wendy, You are in my prayers. I'm sorry you are in such pain. I want you to know that your posts have helped me very much. You are a survivor! Love, Sherry

Mike, Thanks for posting that lovely tribute to Janet. I am coming on the 1st anniversary of Harry's death and like so many of us here, I find if I have something planned to honor him on anniversary dates it helps me. I'm glad you had such a touching experience. May you continue to find peace in your memories. Sherry

I'm a Christian but I'm sure this won't sound like it...I was told that an uncle of mine, who happens to be 1 year younger than me, during Harry's visitation asked one of my nieces "why isn't that casket open?" I wish he had asked me instead because I would have said "It is absolutely none of your damn business!" I can't stand people who are that insensitive and rude - relative or not! Mary Linda, I reinterate what everyone else has said. I've been at this almost a year. In fact, as you know, it will be a year on December 22nd. Without you and everyone here I'm not sure I make it some days. YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE! Love, Sherry Oh, by the way, you certainly entitled your post correctly. They are jerks!

Derek, Wendy must be devastated. I'm glad she has you for support. Of course I will be holding her mother, Wendy and all her family in my prayers. I'm so very sorry she has to be facing this at all, let alone during Christmas.

Teny, I just prayed for your new grandchild and the rest of your family including you. Yes, please keep us updated. I am praying for peace that passes all understanding for you Teny and for all of us. Sherry

Walt, I'm so sorry. What about the forum on this site for loss of a child? I think that some of the people who post there have lost a child due to suicide. I'm sure Marty would have a good suggestion and will post it for you as soon as she sees your request. You could also email her directly. Like you, I cannot imagine losing a child or grandchild. I'm just said a prayer for your friend and the family. Sherry

Kay, I wish I was gifted at knowing just the right thing to write. My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I'm so glad that your son is alright and I will be praying for a quick resolution to your marriage and financial problems. ((((Hugs!))))

Fred, I'm going to try and take your advice today. This is my first Thanksgiving without Harry. Instead of focusing on my pain, I'm really going to try and count my blessings today. When I opened my email this morning someone had forwarded an email with a picture of twin albino deer. I wanted so badly to show it to Harry as he loved to go "deer hunting" with his eyes. Since that is not possible I'm taking this as a blessing...to see something first thing this morning that he loved so much. Thank you for the advice. I get so stuck in my pain sometimes. Like Jeanne, my family and friends love me and I am so very blessed in feeling their love and support. I pray for a feeling of peace and love for each of you today.