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Joe, September 18th was Harry's birthday, the first without him. I made it through the day and I know you will too. I had my kids for a light supper that evening and we planted some fall mums in the memory garden I started near the spot where he died. It helps me to have a plan for days which were so meaningful in our lives together. I am sending good thoughts your way! Sherry

Joe, My heart goes out to you! That must have been awful to find. My sisters and I kept notes about what was happening during my mother's last two weeks as we took care of her in home hospice. At first we thought we'd need to do it to remember when I gave her the last pain shot, etc. but then we just kept jotting down other things that were happening. That was in January 2003. I have never been able to go back and read it. That was my thought, it would just make me relive it and it was bad enough the first time. Besides the memories are in your mind anyway and they seem to have a way of surfacing from time to time. I said a special prayer for you just now. I hope it helps to know that others are thinking of you and sending virtual hugs your way. ((Sherry))

Walt, Gail and Kay, I had my first anniversary without Harry last May 22nd. Something happened that day to make me think he was still watching out for me just as he had for the previous 42 years. Since it had been 5 months from the day he died on December 22nd, maybe I was just looking very hard for something that said he was still with me. I have come to realize he will be with me always,in the faces and mannerisms of our children and grandchildren and always in my heart. He was so much fun and that is one of the things I miss the most. We were all very blessed to have had them in our lives. I sure did feel the love for your spouses in each of your posts. Sherry

Wendy & Fred, I'm very happy for you. God works in mysterious ways...we've all heard that a million times. Sometimes it comes to us in sadness and other times in a wonderfully happy way. I'd say you two are very blessed to have found each other. I said a prayer for your future happiness. God bless you as you go forward in this relationship. Sherry

Kay, I am sitting here saying a big Amen to that. We sure do grow in the valleys don't we? I have been saturating my life with Bible study and prayer. Sometimes something He says thru my study touches me so much I can't see my Bible through the tears. He is making His love for me so real. Lyn, I am so very happy for you. May God bless you in abundance. Sherry

Jackie, I am so sorry that you have to be facing this with your Mother in addition to the grief you are already experiencing. My mother passed away from cancer in 2003 and I had my husband to lean on during that time. It seems to me that this is a time when your sibilings should be of support to you instead of the other way around. Maybe you can express to them how hard this is for you. I am praying for you this very minute..."Father supply Jackie with the strength she needs in her Mother's illness and the wisdom she needs in dealing with her siblings. Amen. Keep posting and know the people that visit this site understand and support you. (((Sherry)))

Gail, Congratulations! Another reason to go on. I know my own grandchildren give me a reason get up every day. Sherry

Today, I attended "A Day of Hope and Remembrance" ceremony because Harry's eyes were donated when he died. It was a beautiful day today and I was so very grateful for the weather. It was held in a State Park. There was a picnic prior to the program which included a photo slide show of all the people in this area who had donated organs, tissue or eyes. Four different recipient's spoke which was very moving. The slide show was repeated while our loved ones names were read aloud. We were then given wildflower seeds and walked a path to spread them while a bagpipe played hymns. It was an emotional day but I am so glad I went. It was a wonderful way to honor Harry and the gift of sight he gave to another person. I recently mailed a letter to the transplant program to send on to person who received Harry's cornea's. I am aprehensive but do hope I hear back from that person. I have a friend from my grief support group who asked me to an outdoor concert at her church tonight and was touched that the music included a song that has been so special to me. It is by the group Casting Crowns and the title is "Praise Him in This Storm." I know God has had His hand on me preparing me. I heard this song for the first time a couple of months before Harry died and felt I had to have it as a ringtone on my cell phone. Prior to that all I had was the generic Cingular tones. Little did I know this song was going to be carrying me thru such a devastating period. Here are the lyrics in the melody: I’ll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am Every tear I’ve cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm Sherry

I too wonder if I will ever be able to go to bed without the TV or radio on and go right to sleep like I used to when Harry was lying there beside me. I finally made it to the guest bedroom after months of sleeping on the couch but only because there was a TV in that room. I even made it to our bedroom a few weeks but find myself back on the couch and in the guest room often. I wake up several times every night with lonliness hitting me again and again. I was able to retire after returning to work for 3 months after he died. I feel badly for those of you who have to work with such sleep deprivation. I know that is not easy. Tori and Kay. I too long for the times when Harry and I would comfort each other or share a laugh about something funny that happened in our day. I say the things aloud he used to say to me especially "our little secret comments." Of course it isn't the same but it brings me some measure of comfort. Sherry

Cheryl Lee, If it hadn't been for my family, I would never have been able to get thru sending out those thank you cards. My daughter and son were my strength in getting them written. My husband, Harry died unexpectedly in our back yard by himself on December 22nd, 2007 so I had Christmas cards mixed in with sympathy cards. It was overwhelming. But as so many others have stated we keep putting one foot in front of the other. It is my feeling that most people understand if their thank you card is not too personal. At least I haven't judged any thank you card I have ever received. I am just so sorry that the person who sent it had to write it in the first place. Whatever you do will be the right thing for you. Try not to worry about what anyone will think. I'm so sorry you have to be on this site but welcome. There is wonderful support here. Sherry

Teny, It is hard to understand why so many heartaches come into our lives in such a short period of time. I am praying for you and your Mom. May God give you the strength to deal with being at the hospital and the feelings it is bringing up. I am so very sorry you have to endure this. Keep us posted and know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of everyone here. Sherry

Wendy, I actually chuckled when I read your post about your husband telling you to get your butt to bed. My husband was forever trying to get me off the couch and to bed and I hadn't thought of that in a long while. I miss him nagging me about it. I'm going to try that sleeping on his side idea. Sherry

Kim, You are in my prayers today. All the firsts that come before the first anniversary of the day our spouses died are so difficult and I'm imagining that it will be especially hard when I come to that day which will be December 22nd. I pray that something will happen today that brings you some measure of comfort. I am currently reading "Roses in December" and I see how important it was to the woman who wrote it when she received her special "roses" on the first anniversary of her son's death. Sherry

Marty, I feel blessed to have found this group. I attend a local grief support group which meets 2 times a month. I needed more than that especially in the beginning. I was so alone even though I have a wonderful family and friends. When I googled grief support and found this website at first I thought maybe it wasn't for me. Most of the posts were by people who had lost their spouses to an illness and I thought they wouldn't relate since my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. But I was wrong. It is sad but true, we all have a lot in common even though we are also very different. Heartache seems to be our common denominator. I come here almost daily. Sometimes I read and pray for those who are hurting. And sometimes I post when I feel the need to express myself no matter what time of day or night knowing someone will "hear" me and truly understand. I want you to know that I am very grateful for this site and your support. Sherry

Deb, I believe there is a plan greater than we can imagine that brings us together to help one another. Thank you for your kind words and prayer. It means so much to me. Sherry

Deb, I am the friend that Mary Linda was referring to in her reply. My father passed away 12/23/87. Someone recommended a book and workbook to me. It wan't easy to read let alone do the workbook but it helped me so much. I was finally able to forgive my father. I came to realize that he did the best he could. He loved me but was not able to express his feelings the way I wanted him to. He was an alcoholic and was never able to conquer it. He missed out on a wonderful family life too. I actually went to his grave and told him I forgave him. It has set me free from a lot of the hard feelings I had been holding onto. Here is the title of the book and workbook in case you are interested. Love Is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships by Robert Hemfelt, Frank Minirth, and Paul Meier Love Is a Choice Workbook by Robert Hemfelt, Frank Minirth, Paul Meier, and Brian Newman My mother lived until 1/14/03. She had several peaceful years for which I am extremely grateful. Her married life was not an easy one but she had come from a broken home and she did not want that for me and my sisters. She showed her love for us every day and I still miss her so much. My husband died unexpectedly in our back yard 12/22/07. We were married for 42 years and 7 months to the day. This has been the most difficult loss in my life but I'm putting my trust in God's promises and even though it is not easy, I am gaining an unexplainable strength. I pray that you too will be able to find comfort in the losses you've experienced. This website has been such an encouragement to me in addition to the grief support group I attend at a local hospital. Everyone is different but I hope it helps in some way to know that there are others who understand. Sherry

Teny, I'm sorry you are in such pain. I pray that you will be able to find enjoyment again in the places you used to love. I pray that for everyone here as we keep posting and trying to comfort one another. Marty, The poem is beautiful. I know I will carry Harry in my heart until we are together again. Sherry

Jan, No it is not wrong to be still crying at 5 months. We just discussed this at my grief support group last night. Every person grieves in their own way. There is no right or wrong way to do it. I was married exactly 42 years and 7 months on the day (Dec 22nd last year) my husband died unexpectedly. I knew our anniversary (May 22nd) would be especially hard because it was also the same day of the month as the day he died. It had taken me a while to be able to open my Christmas gifts from him, one of which was a massage. I saved it and used it on our anniversary. It seemed to help me get thru the day a little easier. Keep posting your feelings and reading the other posts. I know for myself that it has been a great source of comfort in addition to my regular grief support meetings. I pray that it will do the same for you. Sherry

Harry's eyes have given sight to someone. It is comforting to know that the transplant(s) were successful according to the eye bank. I have written a letter to the recipient. I haven't mailed it yet but intend to soon. I put it away and will read it again before I mail it. It is important to me that it conveys the kind of person Harry was. Organ donation is something we had discussed many times in the past and we each knew the other we wanted to do it. My children also know to say yes when my time comes. It was a hard question to hear because Harry's death was so unexpected but I knew the answer to give. Dusky, I know what you are saying about having your loved one see you again. I hope that someday I will be able to look into Harry's eyes again. Sherry

Mary Linda, Those are both beautiful quotes. I know the more I trust Him the more He helps me. He has brought me wonderful new friendships in this journey of grieving....with you being one of the best! May He continue to bless us and all those on this website and in our TMH Grief Support Group as we keep trusting and moving forward. Love, Sherry

Wendy, So happy to hear you had good news from your mother. Sherry

Wendy, I just saw your post and lifted both your mother and you up in prayer. May God bless you both in a special way. Love, Sherry

When my husband died, I was given some advice from a dear cousin who has had so much experience with death in her family that she could be considered an expert. Her one and only child, Samantha was killed in an auto accident shortly after her 18th birthday. She told me this as only advice; she knew I would need to grieve in my own way: "If possible, do not take medication to numb your feelings. I don't know how I could have ever gotten better without feeling the pain." For me personally, this has worked. I am not saying that no one should take medication. I think that has to be an individual decision with a trusted physician. My own doctor suggested that he did not think I could "get through it" without medication. So far he is wrong. As others have stated, I keep moving forward by feeling the pain, seeking help from my Lord, family, old friends, new friends I've made at a local grief support group and here online, books, and journaling. Each person must do what they feel is necessary to make this journey. I try not to let people who don't have a clue get to me. As the song goes "I'll cry if I want to!" Love and praying that everyone is finding some peace in this day, Sherry

Vickie, I also felt your pain. If you haven't found a grief support group in your area already, I would encourage you to seek one out. In the beginning it was hard for me to go but I have made some friends with which I do things like go out to eat, see a movie, etc. It makes it a little easier having someone to talk to who is on a similar journey as I am. I too pray that we will all find peace and happiness again someday. Sherry