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DoubleJO....it's just not fair about social security. I'm so sorry. My husband's x has been drawing benefits for nearly 3 years. I get to start drawing in November. She attended the funeral and then went straight to file for benefits and then lied to her daughter saying they just started sending them to her. That lie really got to me and her daughter who calls me her other Mom. Anyway so many things just aren't fair. I'll be praying you get good results and find out that it's just a simple medical thing. Do you have family around you for support? You are in my prayers. Always Gene! Always!

I am so sorry to hear the sad news about your friends. Your hands will offer her strength and hugs will soak up many tears. I didn't think I had the strength last year to help my good friend watch and then loose her husband. It has only made the bonds of friendship more important...stronger...a liferaft in the storm. There is something in the eyes of those who have journeied before us that lets us know we can cry out. I know this is difficult for you. Take care of yourself and John. Always Gene! Always!

Dearest Deborah, I haven't found answers for the whys, hows, anything much. I actually have quit looking and asking. It will soon be 3 years that my world blew apart, that the "me" died along with Gene. It took nearly 2 years for the final little cell in my body that was hanging on to finally accepted that this was real. I had to accept it. I still walk around in this world lost but I've also accepted that this is my life. The nights used to be the worse but now it's the mornings. Getting up and facing another day with no constructive way to approach it without Gene. I keep taking each day one step at a time. Gene loved me, all he ever wanted was for me to be happy, and with all his love he did each and every moment we had together. A month before he passed he looked at me and said "you have to accept reality". He could not spare me this pain so I honor Gene every morning accepting this reality. I don't like it but perhaps he's smiling as I manage to muddle through each day. Somewhere along this journey I left the guilt behind me. I had to for my sanity. Yes, I also sometimes feel like I'm betraying our love if I'm not in pain........there will always be those moments. Our anniversay was May6....I was so involved that day (a rare event) that I didn't realize the date until that afternoon. The explosion of quilt and tears took over for a while but later I remembered what Gene would have wanted. I need to cherish the memories. I dried up my tears and took a mental walk down memory lane for the remainder of that day......a celebration of our love. This journey of grief is exhausting. I haven't made a choice to live....I made the choice to accept what is left, as it is moment to moment, and for what it's worth. I do this to honor Gene and our love. I do not betray our love if I go through just one day without tears. And I talk about Gene to anyone who will listen even those who never knew him. I decided not to persue the medical mistake made while Gene was being taken care of. I do believe it robbed us of precious days, perhaps weeks, but in my heart the outcome was God's choice. For me I did not and still would not have the energy. I wish you strength as you approach this. It may well bring you some sort of peace. I am just beginning to learn how to focus on any one thing. I wish you peace Deborah. One step at a time but not without friends. Always Gene! Always!

May you walk through today knowing you have friends who understand and walk beside you. Time dulls the sharp pain but nothing fills the hole in the heart and soul. Love goes on forever. Always Gene! Always!

KayC, you are in my prayers. Please take care of yourself. There are many who need you to be well. You would not hesitate to seek medical help for those you love so let a doctor check you out. We all will be waiting to hear from you. Many prayers going your way.

Dearest Teny, Tomorrow is another day, another day to hope. I'm approaching 3 years (June 11, 2005) since my world exploded.....changed forever. I didn't want to hear that time heals. While I don't think it heals it does begin acceptance. For me my wonderful Gene is always with me. Somewhere in the second year I accepted that I could not change anything and this would be my life. I quit asking "why". I quit feeling quilty for living. I quit looking at tomorrow to bring some miracle. I've already had a miracle.....the miracle of Gene's love. I live in the moment and sometimes the moments are filled with tears still. I have been forced to be a different person.......how could I not be without Gene. It is still hard for me to make decisions and to focus on any one thing. But it doesn't matter. I even worried that I could feel nothing....that nothing stirred joy in my heart. Gene made my heart sing every moment we had together. A dear friend of mine who stood beside me along with her husband when Gene and I married. She lost her dear husband nearly 11 years ago. She told me that I would never again know the happiness I knew with Gene..........she was right. It took a while but I accepted that too. She said there would be a different happiness later on....one of peace. That's all we can wish for each other.........peace. Oh, I still miss my dear husband so much. Acceptance and sweet memories, knowing I have the true miracle of love........that has brought a calm to my soul. I wish you peace and all who have found their way here. Here I found a way to survive. Always Gene! Always!

John, it is so good to see that you are faring well on your journey. Your book will always be a loving tribute to Jack...to the love you have for each other. I find the road after 25 months has less curves to manuver. Thank you John for being there when I could not walk alone and needed a hand to hold on to. I too read a lot but no longer feel I have much to contribute but perhaps I should post....there is hope for all of us. I've discovered that the love we carry with us sustains us. Good going John! Always Gene Always

Teny, your pain screamed at me this morning. I know all you are feeling since I am approaching 27 months into this journey. I lost my mother 3 months before my wonderful husband passed away. Two months later I was sitting alone facing the possibility of Katrina. God spared me the devistation of that storm. But I sat alone in the dark for 4 days with my grief. I had 28 years with the love of my life. I was 29 years old when God blessed me with the amazing man that would be my soul mate forever. I don't know if I'll be able to put to word how grief does change. With time the daily intense pain will change. It will become easier to cope with the days. It took me a year to fully accept this reality. I don't like it...I don't want it......I want my husband back every moment of everyday but that cannot be. I have posted this statement before....advice from a friend of mine for over 30 years who introduced me to my husband. She lost her husband over 15 years ago. I will never be happy the way I was with Gene for 28 years but I will find a different happiness in the peace that will come to my soul in time. I can see it in this dear friend and that's where I get my hope from. I can see it in the many widows in my church..........life does go on in it's own way. The intensity of the pain is less on most days but the deep sadness is always there. It is part of my life now. And there are still deep dark days but they do not go one for weeks. I suppose "moving forward" has a different meaning to each one of us. I don't feel like I have most days but when I go back and read my posts I guess I have taken more steps forward than backwards. Teny, hang on to all here. Someone is always walking besides you, ahead of you....holding out a hand of hope. Take it one day at a time. I don't ask Why anymore.....I've accepted that God knows what he is doing. And I carry Gene with me each moment grateful for his love. Teny, grief will change and get a little easier to bear. I offer you a little hope as my friend offered me. I wish you moments of peace. Always Gene! Always!

WaltC, I understand and respect your feelings. I've traveled along with you through this.........I don't even know if there is a word anymore. Time is the only thing that has gone by and I actually have felt guilty that I've not progressed as many have. I am happy for those who are stepping forward and hope one day I will begin something "forward". I just wanted to let you know that you've helped me through some of the darkest moments and I thank you for that. And believe me my friend when I say you and Jeanie are always there when butterflies fly. On my desktop is the shortcut for "yellow roses" by Bett Midler.......thank you. Stay well Walt. Thank You Always Gene! Always!

I've not been on the receiving end of "get over it". It makes no sense....you don't get over love. I carry all this love for Gene in my heart. I have heard "aren't you lonely?". Yes, but they don't understand..........it's not being alone....it's being without the one loved. Thank you WaltC. Always Gene! Always!

Dearest Teny, I am so sorry you are traveling this lonely road. But you are not alone with so many at this site. I am nearly 26 months into this journey. Now I call it survival. And for me to be able to survive I had to accept the fact that I needed the help of medication. I fought taking anything for a long time but eventually realized I needed help. There are no support groups in my community and since we had just moved here I had no friends. For two years the only people I knew were doctors and nurses as Gene began his last fight. This site...my pc support family saved my sanity. Time begins to mellow the pain but sometimes it becomes overwhelming again and the medication helps just to get to the next day. And this community is always here to reach out when we need to pour out feelings. Everyone here understands....everyone here knows. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I thought I was strong enough to do this alone. I was not. This family is here for you, for each other. And we all care. We all truely understand the real pain of a "broken heart". Always Gene! Always!

Oh.....welcome back Spela. Guess we're all surviving. So good to hear from you!

Kay, I'm here just to let you know you are not alone....feeling the way you do after 2 years. I read Derek's post on "Strength" and could not reply. I'm not a stronger person. I don't know how long these lows will continue to rear up but they don't get any easier. I was a strong person when I met Gene. We were stonger together. Now I look in a mirror and I don't even know who I see anymore. I still get up in the mornings with no direction and am unable to complete any task. I need to get a job and I just can't seem to find the strength to do anything for myself. I got a jury summons in the mail this week and that alone set off one big panic attack...I called my doctor and begged for a medical excuse. Fortunately I have a compationate physician who understands. Last night in tears I begged God to take this pain away. I hope he's listening and will bring some sort of comfort into all of our hearts. Maybe today I'll at least get the house vaccumed. That alone would be a big task done. Kay, know that I do care about you and everyone here. How I wish we all could find a few moments of happiness. Always Gene! Always!

I understand Karen. Hold on and the wave will pass. I always feel like the square peg that doesn't fit into the round hole when I'm with other people. Once and a while those friends are able to make me laugh for a moment. Two years......I don't know how time has gone on. I am grateful that the friends I have developed here make a point of including me in activities. Yes, I cover my sorrow.......no one can fill the emptiness. Karen, I hope today is a little better day. Always Gene! Always!

Patti...a handsome man with a big beautiful smile

I lost my angel 25 months ago. A friend of mine introduced me to Gene and knew that we were meant to be together......she was so right. She's been a friend of mine for nearly 35 years even though we've lived many miles apart for most of that time. She lost her dear husband nearly 12 years ago. Joanne and I have been through so much throughout our friendship that we can say anything to each other. My husband was a childhood friend of hers so she knew both of us very well when she introduced the two of us. Now years later both of us are alone...still close friends there for each other...honest and blunt with each other. I looked to her for what lay ahead in this journey and she told me......You'll always grieve but it will get easier. You'll always look to be happy but you'll never find that happiness you had with Gene again....not that kind of happiness but a different kind of happiness.(She added with someone else or alone..I did not want to hear that part).In time you will learn to be happy for yourself but it will be different and it will take a long time. I trust her wisdom and her words echo in my head everytime I find myself in a bad place. I know she is right. I watched her fighting with her husband to battle brain cancer, watched her loose her kind, wonderful husband (they were best man and bridesmaid at our wedding), listened to her grieve, and I can see she's reached peace through this journey. As she says...peace and happiness are two different things, peace brings a different happiness into our lives. I live about 3 hours North of New Orleans with my family only 50 miles west of New Orleans. I know that Katrina devistated the medical community as well as everything else there. Some of us are strong enough to fight depression on our own and some of us need a little help through the worst of times. I know I fought off taking any medication for quite a while but I realized that I could not go on spiriling down the dark tunnel I was headed for with a family history of depression. I still had to be here for my children, my father (lost my mother and husband in 2005). I cannot imagine loosing my soulmate and then having to fight the aftermath of Katrina without my love beside me. You've been able to realize that depression is setting in. Can you find a physician to talk to about it? Please do what you need to to take care of yourself. There is no time limit on grief. I am sorry you are in pain. There is hope for peace. Always Gene! Always!

I am so sorry that the pain is so overwhelming right now. A little over 2 years into this the pain still can bring me down to my knees. Yet it will pass and I can rise and walk again. In my dreams I am searching for Gene and can't find him. It's all so empty when we wake to being without the ones we love. For me I keep telling myself that he fought so hard to stay here with me....To live each moment to the most. He taught me so much about loving and living and I try to honor him by living one day at a time. And as long as I breathe he will never be forgotten. Hang on Deborah. I hope today brings a day just a little bit better. You are in my prayers. Larry is with you and he loves you. And because he loves you he would want you to live for both of you. Always Gene! Always!

Karen, I am so sorry this is a day of struggle. It's so hard to get through the worst days. Every time I think I am doing better a day comes that closes the sunshine. I thought at times that I was the only one that after 2 years could still have such painful, empty days. A friend of mine said to me a couple of weeks ago that I was doing so well....I guess we all hear that. Usually I don't even respond but that day I just told her that I've just gotten better at putting on a "face" for the world because people are tired of hearing my sorrows. Today my brother-in-law asked if I was planning sometime to move closer to my family. My answer......I just deal with today the best I can, I don't worry about tomorrow, I don't plan anything for the future. I did that once in my life and God had another plan so I'll let God plan tomorrow. And I'll deal with it when the sun comes up in the morning. I think it's all we can do for now. I hope the sun comes up to greet you with a less painful day in the morning. I know how much you miss your husband. Nothing will ever be the same but the sun will come up. And I'll greet tomorrow carrying Gene with me. And if I fall then maybe the next day I can pick myself up again. One moment at a time but with your friends here who understand. Always Gene! Always!

Teny, I am so sorry for you loss....that you are here among us "left behind". I know those words are hollow but they are genuine. I have not posted much lately but I am a little over 2 years into this long journey. My husband had been in and out of every hospital...every rehab center in my area. At 7 months I had to visit a friend in one of the hospitals. It was someone who wrapped her arms around me early on in my journey. She was a complete stranger at the time and now is a good friend. Everything is hard and you are taking a step forward. I can remember the feeling. I thought every cell in my body would shake me apart and me knees would not hold me up. I fought off tears long enough to visit my friend tho it was a short visit. I know the emptiness you are feeling. Nothing fills that but it does get easier as time passes to deal with it. I miss my husband terribly every day. Now I can talk about Gene without falling apart. We take baby steps forward and most of the time we fall back 2 steps along the way. As you go someone here is walking with you who understands all you are feeling. Be patient with yourself and let time take care of the rest of the world. Life can no longer be the same but I have learned to accept it...not like it. And that's taken a long time. I still fight to keep myself sane at times but good memories and Gene's love keep me going. I am grateful everyday that I had 28 years the wonder of Gene's love. And it's his love and courage that keep me going. You are not alone Teny. Always Gene! Always!

My prayers are with you KayC. I still have my father...83 1/2 yrs old. I will put on my good face for his sake after all it's his day but my heart will be heavy. I know each day that I have my Dad is a blessing and I will not let him see or hear my pain. KayC, you have been such a friend to all of us here. Lean on us as this week passes. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Your beloved Jeannie knows how deeply you love her. I've tried to find some peace in the fact that next time we meet it will be forever. It's just so darned hard to get through these days until that time comes. Always Gene! Always!

In a few hours it will be just as empty as it was 2 years ago when this nightmare began. I've walked the timeline over and over. Yesterday, 2 yers ago, I still had hope. We had fought so many battles...we just had another to get through. But on Sat morning I knew there was no more hope when Gene asked me to give his living will to the nurse. I miss him so much. All this love and all I can do is hope he knows.......he can hear my words.......see in my heart. We had the gift of those last hours on Sat. I don't know how I've survived 2 years without you here with me. I will live with the ache in my heart until we meet again....and we'll never be apart again. My Darling Gene....ALWAYS crosses this world into the next. I miss you so much. Always Gene ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!

KC, my thoughts and prayers go with you. I remember the first time I had to walk into one of the two hospitals Gene had been in.......it was six months later. Every cell in my body shook and it took every bit of strenght I could summon to not run. But I did it and I did it because someone needed my support....someone who had been a great supporter for me. Living is hard. The need to be there for someone else.......to show compassion is a driven emotion now for me. It hurts but someone else is hurting too so I do what I have to. KC, you have such strength in you, such compassion for others around you. We may not feel strong but we all are survivors. May your journey go gently. Thanks for your friendship. Always Gene! Always!

Just having to write "deceased" next to Gene's name on 2006 tax form hurt enough.

WaltC, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as today passes.