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For a week I've had a post-it on my pc......WaltC & Jeannie.....April 13, 2005. Both of you have been in my thoughts. My heart aches along with yours. May the days go by peacefully for you WaltC. We've been priviledged to get to know the wonder of Jeannie through you, through the love you share. I will never look at butterflies without thinking about you both. Always Gene! Always!

Doubledd, I am so sorry for you loss. We've all heard those words and they don't bring comfort to the spirit. I am approaching 2 years in March and I still find it hard to believe I am still breathing...that I have survived this long without my husband. You are at the beginning of this terrible journey. All you are feeling is what everyone here has felt. I couldn't put a thought together for first three months. The pain is undescribable and time does ease the intensity. There are so many peaks and valleys to go through and then more in front. Be patient with yourself...treat your self gently and grieve your way. There will always be someone here who listens..who understands each step of your path. Only those "left behind" can understand the depth of this pain. My first three months I was in shock..withdrawn from everyone and everything. I can say it took the first year to finally "accept". The pain doesn't go away but the intensity and duration...the time between the ups and downs gets further apart in time. I wish you did not have to suffer through this lonely journey. But you will always find friends here. Expressing your feelings does help a lot. And having people understand those feelings can help get past those terrible, seemingly unending moments of pain. I wish none of us had to feel this pain. Always Gene! Always!

Derek, sending prayers and hugs your way. I wish none of us had a date to mark on a calendar. It truely is the hardest journey anyone has to take. For me the first year mark was more anxiety about the anticipation...like I thought something was going to change that day. I am nearing my second year mark and plan to do something Gene would have enjoyed doing. I'm just going to get up and do it. You're a wonderful father. Carson will always have you and Karen as part of his life. Look to Carson and you will find Karen there. I look to my children and grandchildren. It doesn't lesson the pain but reminds me that so much of Gene remains in each of them...a look, a little sneeze, something that is there...something that brings a smile along with the heartache. Wishing you peace as the days go by. Always Gene! Always!

Larrysgirl, your words echo my everyday. I'm nearly at 22 months and little has changed but the days on the calendar. I've changed nothing in my house...not a bedspread, curtain, nothing...everything remains where it was. I'm not comfortable with anyone in this house except family and they all live far away. A lady from my church just dropped by a couple months ago and I can't explain the panic I felt just letting someone inside. I've not been able to sell Gene's pickup...his retirement pickup I bought that he barely had time to drive. I can still see the look in his eyes when I pulled that surprise on him. Yesterday as I looked out at his raised tomatoe bed I did finally find the "want" to get the weeds out of it. I guess it was a big step. I took out the book to figure out how to fill, start, and use the tiller. Something else new Gene only used once. And for the first time I was proud of myself....it cranked the second time and I did a pretty good job. I realized yesterday that if I want to do something I have to do it myself for myself. So it was a little event for me. Paint brushes still sit in my kitchen....I was going to paint over a year ago. Deborah, I realize it's going to take a long time to come to terms with being "without". I start out each day with tears and just go on. And each night as I pray that Gene can still feel my love I thank God that it's another day I got through....another day gone. So I take each day one at a time and on my own terms. If tomorrow I don't feel like painting then it can wait another year or two. I can only do one day at a time. And I have to trust that something will make sense as time goes on. I wish for peace of mind and spirit for all of us in pain. You are not alone in your feelings Deborah. I want to relive my life again with Gene. I want it all over again. Always Gene! Always!

Yes, KayC, the inner pain never goes away. It's been 21 months and I'm again fighting depression and anxiety. I don't feel I can talk to family about this as I know they all think I sound good and should be beyond by now. It's just easier to withdraw from everyone for a whiie. It gets harder to put on the "mask" everyday. I'd like to be encouraging for everyone but now I know it's going to take a lot more time before I can find it in myself to live again. And I can't figure out how for 21 months I've just existed without Gene...without my husband....without my best friend...without my one true love...without the most generous, kind-hearted, thoughtful, courageous, giving, amazing, loving human being I have ever known. There are no words to explain how much I miss him. It's almost Spring...a time for life to renew and yet I still struggle to try and move forward. Maybe when the flowers start to bloom I will find a little joy in their beauty. Always Gene! Always!

Dear Derek, I am approaching a 2 year mark in June. At the one year mark the anticipation of the day was more heart wrenching than the day was. I had passed our 29th year anniversary a month before. Gene and I had 28 years of love and happiness together. I spent a day of memories..yes with tears. At the one year mark that one little cell in my body that still was "waiting" for Gene finally accepted our new relationship. I no longer ask "why". I will know when my lonely journey is over. There are still moments of grief bursts but they are not as frequent and do not last long. My thoughts are always of my love but now I can see his smile more remembering how happy we made each other. I hope your days pass gently Derek with loving memories. Those left behind that are farther ahead in this journey said time heals and it does slowly and quietly as the world goes on. I carry Gene with me always in my scarred heart. Always Gene! Always!

Missing Rick, I am sorry to find you here but you are joining a group of caring understanding people. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and then you husband and I do understand. I lost my mother March 16, 2005 and then my husband June 11, 2005. My husband had CHF and had been very sick for some time. I had no time to grieve my mother's passing. I was fighting for my husband's life. My Father wanted to take care of me even as he was grieving but I needed to be alone. It took a while for him to understand and I live 3 hours away. He could not spare me from my grief. This is the hardest thing I've ever known. Only those who are on this journey can understand the pain, the grief. And there is no way to explain it to anyone who has not had to live with this emptiness. I am 58 and still trying to find my way. Most days I just let time pass by. Consider us you support group when you need a hand to hold on to. We all travel differently but we travel together. I could not have gotten this far without this group. Each one has been a life-line for me. We all grieve together..each to ourselves and for each other. We all listen and understand. Peace is all I wish for all of us left behind. Always Gene! Always!

It's been easier to stay quiet than face that another holiday season has gone by without my precious husband. It's been nearly 20 months. I stayed busy enough to exhaust myself but when everyone leaves it's still an empty, hollow place in my world. The first year felt like pieces of broken glass. Now it's like thorns cutting into my heart when I reach for each memory. Does anyone else have a feeling of unending restlessness? For a while I thought I was doing better...whatever that's suppose to mean. Now I'm back to not sleeping, not eating, wanting to be alone, dwelling on how Gene has been gone for 20 months. God does have mercy as I do not awake in the mornings again as I used to screaming Gene's name. I am able to get up and have one cup of coffee before I start to feel cheated out of the life we planned together. I've become a great actor..putting on a good face for everyone...sometimes I can even fool myself. When I am able fool myself for a little while I feel guilty. Inside all I want is my husband. All I can hope for is peace of some sort. Always Gene! Always!

Thank you Marty for posting this topic. I know now that it's another part of this journey...that I haven't been so awful. I've realized over the past couple of weeks that I don't consistantly open my eyes in the morning with my mind screaming out Gene! And I have felt a great sense of guilt...like something else is slipping away and I'm letting it happen. And "disloyalty" sums up the feeling. I understand now what is happening and I don't have to feel ashamed. This grief is a maze with another mountain to climb at every turn. Disloyalty...the guilty secret I thought I was alone with. Thank you Marty

WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS WITH DIFFERENT NEEDS. TO THOSE WHO FIND COMPAINIONSHIP, I WISH YOU WELL AND HAPPINESS. FOR ME, I AM FULLFILLED IN KNOWING THAT I WAS BLESSED WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. ALWAYS GENE! ALWAYS!

Benita, I am so sorry you are dealing with so much along with your grief. Sisters...well some are good and some not so good. I have one of each. One compationate...one so full of herself. It was good of you to go to take care of your sister and mother but perhaps you need to take care of yourself first. I don't know if I could be a caregiver again. Once in my life for my love.....one long fight along with him but there's nothing left. Please Benita take care of yourself. We all care about you here. Always Gene! Always!

Dearest WaltC, I'll be cheering for you on the 13th when you have that sucessful stress test. I needed a reminder...thank you for the song. I wish you sweet dreams of Jeannie and visions of beautiful butterflies. Be well my fiend. Always Gene! Always!

Yes, it has been quiet. I supposed we're all doing what we have to..getting through this season. For me I've become an expert at putting on "a face". Eighteen months and another Christmas without Gene. I thought I had myself adjusted for being alone...you know...cell phone for emergency....AAA plan for when I'm on the road....emergency phone numbers in vehicles and purse (can't sell his truck). Then I get a virus this week......no meds...no chicken soup....no Tylenol...no nothing. And alone am I. Couldn't ask my neighbors as they are all "senior" senior citizens and I don't want to be responsible for anyone getting sick. Gene would have tucked me into bed and babied me with all his love. So I've had my pity-party this week with my little dog beside me. Then yesterday I put up that tree.......I hate it but grandchildren are on their way next weekend..the ones that still believe in Santa. And I hung Gene's picture ornament at eye level for the little ones so they could point and say "Grandpa!". Dear Santa, since I cannot have what I want please send me a dream. A dream where I can feel again, wrapped up in a blanket of Gene's loving arms. I miss him so. Always Gene! Always!

KayC...I am so sorry you are in such intense pain. You've traveled along side of me through this terrible journey and you have helped me so much....you've helped so many. I don't know if the holiday season will ever hold any meaning again but I do it because of children and grandchildren that Gene left as his legacy. Let your son get the tree and decorate it if you don't feel you can do this. Yes, everyone wants us to be "back to normal". They don't understand that will never happen...we're alone and different now still trying to find "something". I don't even know what that is. I know what we want but God can't make my wish come true. I spent yesterday putting together a boquet of silk roses for Gene. My children think I am ok...if they could only watch my days. The world is still going on while we are still frozen in grief...nothing will ever be the same. KayC, do only what you feel you can do. I am happy your job came through. You've had so much to deal with along with grief. I to do not feel like church but I still go...searching for answers...searching for peace. Maybe I'm waiting on a thunder bolt to show me the way....to answer why. I wish everyone here just one moment of peace. Always Gene! Always!

OH KAYC..GOD DOES LISTEN...I AM TRUELY HAPPY FOR YOU. YOUR NEWS IS A GOOD WAY TO START THIS THANKSGIVING DAY. I FOUND THE OOURAGE TO MAKE MY OWN ARRANGEMENTS AND FLY TO MY SON'S HOME FOR THANKSGIVING. IT'S ANOTHER STEP FORWARD. I AM THANKFUL FOR ALL HERE WHO HAVE WALKED ALONG SIDE OF ME AND HELD ME UP WHEN I COULD NOT STAND..DID NOT WANT TO GO ON. TO EVERYONE NEW..NO ONE IS ALONE HERE. ALWAYS GENE! ALWAYS!

Dear friend....wishing today is your day. If God still listens he'll answer my prayer that your job comes through. You've given so much to so many...now it's your turn to receive! Hugs and good wishes!

Larrysgirl...I will be praying for you today as this anniversary washes over you. I am so sorry anyone has to feel this pain. For me (I am at 17months) the year anniversary was somewhat a turning point. That "little something" inside that was still waiting for Gene to walk into the room...it stopped waiting...now something else was gone. The world thinks we are all ok..after a couple months, a year or more. We're not ok...we're existing but it's hollow. I hope today's tears lead to a better day. You do what you need to do to get through this day. I hope one day we all know what joy feels like again. Each day is less intense with grief but our loves are never away...they are with our heavy hearts every moment of everyday. Deb, you will be on my mind all day. I've not been able to understand how this could be but somehow the days continue to come and go. Moments of peace for all of us through this journey. Always Gene! Always!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God please let KayC get this job today. She needs your help.

Laurie, I am so sorry the pain is so intense. The pain is so fresh and raw. Sean sounds remarkable. And you know all those things he did...all those things he got joy from...all of it because he was so loved and happy to be with you. Words can't bring any comfort for you but always remember how happy he was because he had you in his life. I am at nearly 17 months. I know your pain as we all do. Hang on...hang on to us and we will have a hand for you to hold on to. Always Gene! Always!

Your son is beautiful! Thank you for sharing your sunshine with us all.

Laurie, you keep that message with your precious Sean's voice. Somehow you should be able to record a copy of the message. And to keep the answering machine message is simply a comfort to you and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It is a piece of Sean. People don't understand who haven't been where we are. How sweet every word spoken is. I was lucky enough to run across a few tapes I had forgotten about and as Dusky has done I am in the process of having them put onto DVD for permanent saving. Every whisper of Gene's voice in the background is the only time my heart flutters anymore...every frame he appears in....the once he speaks my name. KayC...how cruel a comment about the address labels. I still sign in "ustwo"...I thought it would be forever. Gene is in my heart always so it's still the two of us with every breathe I take. Always Gene! Always!

KayC, I asked God to help you in a special prayer. I too wonder sometimes if HE's still listening but I believe He is. You and I are on the same time-line in this journey. I know it's still paralizing to try and reach out and re-enter the world....I have no self-esteeem left....no real will to do anything unless I absolutely have to. I am 3 years older than you are and never have I ever felt "out-dated" until Gene was gone from my side. I've applied for a couple of jobs but felt so intimidated talking to people who are nearly half my age about a position. Sometimes I think I have a big invisible sign around me that says "she's mourning...she's not quite up to par...she's not going to be able to concentrate". I gave up my job the year Gene retired early and moved us as we had planned...he was 59...a plan I had set in motion when he was 43 and had a by-pass that went wrong leaving him with only 40% of a working heart. It's a tight budget but it was planned for us to move and get part-time jobs until he could get Social Security.....so much for all those plans. Nearly everyday I re-examine the budget tweaking it to stretch everything out. KayC, I'll be your cheerleader.........Hang on! The temp agency sounds like a great option...I wish I had one here. What about a local unemployment office or a state unemployment office? None of this is fair...you suffer enough without this added burden. I am always thinking about you, pulling for some good to sweep over your days. Please God give KayC the job she needs and a little peace. Always Gene! Always@

To your family...I am so sorry to hear of your Mother's passing. In such a short time here she reached out to all of us through her own pain. How remarkable a woman! She touched me deeply. Her family was most important in her life....her family is where she will continue. She is a beautiful spirit. Always Gene! Always!

Grace, I've tried to find words but there are none. I will be thinking about you today praying that you find comfort in sweet memories. And I hope those memories one day will bring a smile instead of tears. Charlie is loved and so are you. I wish..... Always Gene! Always!

KayC, I know today is another day you have to get through to get beyond it but a more painful day. I will be walking it with you, praying and thinking about you. Please hold on to all the "good"....you and George shared so much. Through all the anger, through all the confusion, through everything, your words speak your heart....you love George...he loves you. I wish you a day of memories of the sweetness of loving someone so deeply. Sending you my hugs. Always Gene! Always!