kayc

Okay, go back over the list of pointers I posted a while back. Stay strong. Forgive him because it is as you said in the post before. Understand that this is all just too much for you and beyond what someone should expect from us, and be understanding of yourself and your needs. (((hugs)))

fae, so glad to hear your trip is going well, and your visit. I can't wait to see your pictures of some of the places you've seen! Our gas is over $4/gal. so I'm not likely to go anywhere soon, so I'll have to enjoy the scenery through other people's adventures for a while!

Anne, I know what it is to hope that someone close to you remembers and makes an overture, but that's not how it played out for me either. I think it's not so much that people forget as they're afraid to bring it up for fear of reminding you, ha! As if you could forget! They just don't know what to say or do. I always called my mom every June 10 as that was her and my dad's anv., and my dad's bdy. and I knew it was tough for her. I also remembered her on my dad's death anv. but she said I was the only one that did. It's also hard when you lose your spouse on a holiday weekend because every anv. people will be busy and you will be alone facing it...that's what's happened to me as George died on Father's Day so my kids are always busy that weekend with their dad. Even if they'd call it'd be nice. I know that the first year is but a drop in the bucket, but still, it felt like quite a feat to have that one crossed off on my journey...and I hope you feel that sense of accomplishment in having survived it as well. It wasn't easy and it's a feat that was hard earned!

QueenMary, Glad you hear you had a good reunion! I haven't been since my 5th, don't see the point, don't know these people. Try eBay, have you googled them? Sometimes it takes a lot of looking to find the pair you want, and some time/patience. I've become rather expert at acquiring (or selling) Earth shoes. They're very inconsistent with their sizing, and since I can't buy them locally, I have to get them on line...that has resulted in buying a lot of them that didn't fit, necessitating my re-selling them. I got rid of all of my shoes, slippers, etc. and went to ALL Kalso Earth shoes...boots, athletic shoes, slip ons, dress shoes, sandals, oxfords, slippers. The pair my sister gave me were athletic shoes. One thing I've learned is if you don't like one pair, sell them, try another. They vary so much! My favorite most comfortable pair are called "Halo" they are like a clog or mule (except in Kalso that's a misnomer because they don't have a heel, so to speak) and are leather, lined with sheepskin. SO incredibly comfortable, I use them for slippers. I have some "Cloud" slippers but they run a bit small and I wasn't impressed with the quality for the price. My other favorites are the Central or Central Too Boots, extremely comfortable and adjustable...probably wouldn't work for narrow feet though. If you have questions about any of them, ask me, I have really done my research as I have bought enough to last me the rest of my life. I have about 30 pairs stacked up in their boxes, waiting for my current ones to wear out. I did this because they're the only thing that brings me relief from my Neuropathy and Mortons Neuroma and they did away with the men's line and I fear they will the women's next...they have told me they're going more to the "fashion line", including heels! This undermines the very creation of the company when Anna Kalso invented the negative heel and for all of her reasons! My orthotist did a test proving the superior strength and stability of wearing Kalso Earth shoes over regular shoes. He highly recommended them to me for my situation. They strengthen the tendons and exercise your foot more than ordinary shoes do. They are great for people with Diabetes or various foot problems. I have a book "Every Woman's Guide to Foot Pain Relief" by Katy Bowman, MS and it covers in layman's terms, foot alignment, bunions, etc. Anyway, everything you never wanted to know about feet. Harry, Are you referring to Neuro Emotional Technique”? I love the quilt and even more so, for what it represents. I wish there was a way you could keep it, I think it means as much to you, if more, than anyone. Mary, Your taste sounds like mine, I always manage to like the most expensive too! Last night a friend invited me to listen to some blues at the local "Corner Bar & Grille"...not much goes on in this very sleepy little town. Turned out they had a rock group instead and it started an hour later than she'd thought...after listening to that loud "music" for an hour, I told her I was ready when she was, and we left. Ugh! It was disappointing, but soon they'll be starting "Concert in the Parks" (different bands/groups every week at our beautiful Greenwaters Park throughout the summer) so we'll have something to do/listen to. AND a better setting!

I hope it gets better...

Oh Chris, my heart goes out to you, how well I remember everything you describe! We never forget what it's like. I agree, hobbies mainly interest you when you're happy. You are still in the very raw part of grief and yes, all that you describe is very normal. And it will get better...not today, not tomorrow, but someday. I couldn't go to happy functions either, not for a long time. That's normal too, give yourself time and listen to what you want or don't want and go with that.

Ahh, that's a relief! Often our minds go to the worst, but there was a plausible explanation. Maybe the two of you will enjoy the night yet!

I'm sorry. And I'm glad you have some boundaries. They won't respect us if we don't first respect ourselves. And I think somehow this forum is more about us than it is them. We can't change them, but we can only control our own responses, plans, outlook. Earlier you were told she should get help...that's all fine and dandy to say...theoretically...but the truth is, you can't "make" her anything! It has to be up to her. You can "be there", care about her, encourage her, but the rest is up to her. Gosh, it's so hard. I've had a lifetime dealing with my mom...she's mentally ill, and she won't cooperate, won't take our suggestions, very stubborn. In the end we had to get a court order (which took us a year) to get her medically evaluated and even more time to get her placed in a Dementia care facility so she would be safe. It's very hard when your loved one won't listen or respond...it's like we're walking this fuzzy line balanced between what we know is best and respecting their choices for themselves...not easy! I hope you can plan something enjoyable for yourself for the rest of the evening. Maybe in the future if you make plans with her you can have a back up plan in mind for you in case she doesn't show, so it's not such a let down for you? Recover your time and still enjoy it...it's hard to let go of all you're feeling and going through, even temporarily. Wishing you a good rest of the evening!

I'm sorry, Chris. When we say it gets better with time, we don't mean days or even months, it does take quite some time to adjust to this new life. Yes it is a quiet existence, and can be lonely. What do you have planned for this weekend? After George died, two ladies from my church wanted me to "teach them" stamping (making cards) and came up every Tues. eve. after work where we spent a couple of hours together making cards, me showing them techniques and the different uses of mediums. They came up for the first year. It was a long time later when I realized they weren't coming for themselves, but for me. I had no interest in making cards or anything that I had previously enjoyed, and I think they somehow knew that...this was their way of coaxing me into still participating in life. I still struggle with having the desire to do things and tend to only do so when I need to. I go to work, come home, do my chores, cleaning, laundry, yard work, dishes, etc., make cards when someone has need for one, but haven't really found that zest for life that I once had. I admire Mary for her taking up painting and fae for painting dragonflies on her tent and Harry for his fundraising and awareness campaigns, Dwayne for his going back to school and becoming a nurse. Sometimes I feel I should be further along than I am, but I know that breaks everything we tell people...we all have different timetables and it's going to be a different journey for each of us. Still, I think I've made some strides, esp. in the last couple of years, I've learned to be more content with what is. But then it's been eight years for me. In the beginning, I'm sure I was a basket case. It's hard to remember a lot because my head was in a fog.

Sounds good! And I'm praying for safety for all this weekend...I almost got plowed into by a truck running a very red light yesterday.

Shannon, it's good to hear from you...I am sorry about your hair and your feeling sick. I'm glad you were able to be with Leo, and who knows but what it might have cheered up his spirit, even though he can't tell you. I wish you could get a response from him. Hang in there, we're all pulling for you.

DML, Thank you, I woke up feeling fine, I think it was some food poisoning from where I stopped on my way home last night. I had a great day with my sisters and daughter today, so tonight I'm tired, but it was a good day. The dog is adorable! It'd make a great addition to Pinterest! I have a friend that is German, from the old country, so I know what you mean about the communication differences, both language and culture, and he's been in the states for 48 years, those differences still enter in! Taking things a day at a time has become my motto...when I'm not backsliding into worry/anxiety that is. But I remind myself to stay in the present and not take on the whole future and it helps. Not trying to tell you what you "should" do, not at all! There's a lot of considerations and I'm sure you'll make the right one for you. Anything I've said has been out of concern for you, okay? And Marty is right, I already recognize that what you need most from us here is understanding and support, we aren't therapists, but we've all been through a lot and the support on this forum is invaluable. We're here whenever you need someone. I understand about losing sleep, I went through that when Jim broke up with me, I don't think I had a decent night's sleep for months! I kept myself super busy, if nothing else I ended up with a very clean house...too bad it didn't last!

I remember that video, Anne, I love it! And I agree, you are beautiful!

Chris, I won't tell you to see a doctor if you don't want to, but one consideration might be if you get established with someone now it might make it easier to be accepted by one when you need it, as most of us do at some point down the road. I do understand your feelings, they are how I once felt. We never stop missing them but eventually we do get better at adjusting and coping with it. We're here should you ever need to talk or just want someone to listen. I can understand limited income, trust me. My house and commuting take most of my pittance of a paycheck, which is usually late (my boss owes me 2 1/2 months right now). It's hard to squeeze the necessities into what's left. I don't see retirement as an option around the corner but I am taking a day at a time, and we'll see. To me, the hardest part of this journey was in the beginning because I was shocked and stunned out of my mind, I just didn't expect to lose him when he just turned 51. Getting through that first year felt like a big hurdle to me, but I've learned not to expect things to be a certain way by a certain time as it's different for all of us and we also have ups and downs. We'll be here as you go through it all, and it will be more do-able.

fae, So glad you are having a good time with positive company! Glad to hear it!

My son bought and installed a new dishwasher for me about five years ago, so it should be good for a while, I only run it a couple of times a week. It sounds like you guys have some wonderful plans! I hope you all have a good weekend. I had a good, albeit tiring, day with my sisters and daughter. Melissa handles the wheelchair and I get the walker in/out of the car and watch my sister so she doesn't fall. It's a cooperative effort with Polly and I driving. It was supposed to rain today but instead was absolutely gorgeous! About 70 and sunshiny! My sister brought me a new pair of Earth shoes that didn't work for her, and they're great, and I was just telling my other sister on the way down that the ones I'm wearing are wearing out on the soles and I was disappointed that the soles were as thin as they were, so it was a real blessing to get these! Also, when I was walking Arlie tonight my neighbor asked if I could use some Nancy's Honey Yogurt, and she gave me two large containers, that was a blessing as I really go through it! I was esp. glad that I woke up okay this morning because I didn't want to cancel on my sisters...I think I got some contaminated food when I stopped at McD's last night.

I would think sex would be the last thing on their minds right now, but then I'm not a guy, so I don't know. I think it's true what you said about a relationship can only survive so long one sided. We just aren't meant to live like this. We have to protect ourselves. I mean, it may sounded noble to wait around forever, but in practicality, it's not healthy for us!

With her having thoughts of hurting animals, that is a huge alert to me that she could do other things to other people, and right away my thoughts are of DLM protecting herself. I think however she proceeds should be done with professional care and leading. Of course she still cares for her, how could you not after six years together. Which makes her vulnerable to whatever she does as well. People hurt themselves for other reasons too, often unknown to themselves. When women were raped as girls, they might self-abuse, through cutting, alcohol or drugs, choosing poor relationships, or underachieving. I don't know her background but my guess is it's less than ideal. She isn't presenting normally. And lots of people can "act normal" but it's no indication at all of what's going on inside. They have learned what is socially acceptable and learned to display that persona, that's all. I agree!

It reads 11:22 pm on my computer and I'm Pacific time (I get mixed up which is daylight savings and when is Standard time), but I thought we were 8 hours difference? There is a setting somewhere you can choose in your profile or somewhere, I went through that a while back and it was posting my time off but it finally resolved itself. Since you don't normally get anxiety, maybe it's a warning or answer to your question about attending a retreat that you feel may not be right for you. Oh Anne, you're making me so hungry, that looks and smells so good! (I'm easily led into food)

Mary, so glad you listened to your inner self and your own needs and stayed home! Hear me clapping with Marty's standing ovation! The Royal One, you had a very productive day, you must have felt tired, but tired in a good way. I hope it's only Marys that need new dishwashers this year. And new tile, what a difference that will make! The last flooring I picked out was for the bathroom, George put it in. We were going to put in floating wood flooring in the rest of the house but...he died instead. It's way too daunting for me to do by myself and I can't afford to hire someone so I put it off. I know, when I get ready to sell this house, I'll do all the stuff to it that it needs and then I'll have a harder time letting it go! Isn't that how it goes?!

Chris, My doctor tried to prescribe Valium for my anxiety. I argued with him, told him I didn't want something addictive since this wasn't a short term problem. I tried it for two days and took myself off of it. It did nothing to improve my disposition and it made me incredibly sleepy...which is dangerous considering my long commute, didn't help my ability at work either. So I researched it myself, and found Buspirone, in a class of its own, safe, and non-addictive. I went back to my doctor and told him I wanted to try it and I've been on it ever since. It may not be the one for you given your full blown attacks, anxiety does display different in different people, but l would definitely go to the doctor and discuss different options. I was getting anxiety welling up in me daily, plus getting occasional attacks (they felt like heart attacks). I haven't had a recurrence of the attacks since and it's been over five years. When you find your mind starting to go to the "rest of your life", bring it back to today and tell yourself that is too much to handle, stay in today. It takes practice, but it does help. I still have to make effort to stay in today and I've been practicing this for quite some time. Grief starts with loss but along the way, we learn so much that aids us in living. Stick around, you'll see. There have been so many more that have come through our doors, so to speak, than just us that are here right now. This place literally saved my life when my husband died. I don't know how I would have survived without this site and the people here.

Okay, just be careful, I know you have a long history together, and that's hard to set aside, but please promise me you'll do what is best for you, okay? That's one thing I've learned in all that I've been through, I have to look out for me first of all. If I don't take care of my well being, I'm not good for anyone/anything else anyway. Is that a dog as your avitar? It is hilarious! Is it yours or just a picture you got from somewhere? I am coming down sick tonight and supposed to be gone all day tomorrow carting my sisters around (one is quadriplegic and in a wheelchair, another loses her balance and falls easily so she's in a walker, it'll be a tough day, my daughter is going to help, so is another sister. Anyway, I won't get home until tomorrow night and no telling what shape I'll be in, just wanted you to know if I'm not here for a day or so, that's why. Someone else should come on line though. I gathered your GF hasn't had an easy life, esp. if people are squabbling over stuff (estate), and she had a dad that wasn't her biological dad but was her acting dad...sometimes I wonder if anyone has it normal...some people do, I know, but there sure are a lot of us that don't. Try to get some rest tonight, try not to worry about the future, what will happen, try to stay in the now, it really helps, we can't handle all of tomorrow's problems and worries. And if you keep having anxiety, try to see the doctor. Honestly, after I got on my Rx, I wish I would have years sooner, it wasn't until husband #4 was cheating on me that I finally went to the doctor and got some help, but I think I've had GAD since I was a kid, everyone in my family seems to have it except one sister and she had a different dad that she took after. Take care, good night!

Mary, I guess I don't have the "shoulds" disorder. I would only go someplace if I really wanted to or if someone really needed me. And to think I used to be co-dependent, ha! You need never worry about anyone stopping inviting you...people love you and WANT to be around you!

I agree, Mary, as strange as it seems! I've had more time to contemplate, plus I learned even more about him after he died.

No, no tension at all, we're just concerned about you. Feel free to post here, any time. You are going through a lot, and I didn't intend to sidestep that because of her mental condition. You need support, and you'll have it here. I just don't think we can advise you beyond what we have because of the extenuating circumstances and we don't know enough about it and aren't qualified...Marty would be the most qualified and of course all we're given is what you've told us and that is limited. I have been in six major relationships and some of those included someone with mental problems...so when I see a red flag it leaps out at me "GET OUT OF HERE!" so if you see me over reacting, please excuse me, it's stuff I've encountered and not your situation personally...but I see enough leaping out at me as red flags with your situation too. Anyway, do please let us know how it goes, and I wish you the best.