kayc

I'm sure you wish you could sleep and wake up when it's all over. What is causing the temperature?

Shannon, Is your fever coming down?

Shannon, You are so right. Being ready to die and wanting to die out of despondence are two different things. I think it's common, in early grief, to not want to live at times, but that time should pass, if not, a person should seek professional help to sort through their feelings and get help rebuilding.

Kristen, Can you consider taking a job somewhere where you can have a fresh start, somewhere where people will give you a chance, and get to know you? You are too outgoing to be cooped up alone! It seems a veterinary's office would be great for you! (I've always wished I could work for one).

Oh Shannon, I'm sorry! I remember not being able to sleep, pacing the house at all hours. I didn't realize Leo had had a twin. It has to be hard for Mary too. Do let us know how you're doing when you awaken. Your pictures are beautiful, I assume that's your wedding? And the first one, is that his sister and BIL?

Chris, I think it is great that you are placing your daughter's safety over your own comfort level and I applaud you for being will to go with her. Could it be that your protective stance towards Paula, even though she's passed, is due to your having taken care of her for so long?

Anne, How beautifully written, your post! I'll have to go back and peruse some of my 2nd year posts... Shannon, I have had many losses too but none compared with my George. It hits at every level of your life. I think to be a child and lose your mother it most feel the same way as they impact your life so much growing up.

Jan, Good for you, it's things like this that help us venture back into the land of the living. Every step is a concerted effort but it all helps us get there.

Shannon, Thank you for coming here and in the thick of your own grief, caring about us. You will see in the time to come that we really do look out for each other and help one another through this journey. Jan, Hearing about your spot where you sat and read, drank wine, and watched moths reminds me of our beloved patio deck where it overlooks our property, with forest in the background...we'd sit on our porch swing and watch the hummingbirds come feed from our flower-bedecked patio! Yes, for years it was hard for me to spend time out there, but now I am making my way back. I discovered Miss Mocha has claimed the porch swing (my cat) so she'll have to move over now.

Well I can attest to the fact that when we're grieving, we are kind of out of our minds for a while, we're in a fog and can't think clearly. Yes, they break up even if we handle everything perfectly, because it's not about us, it's about them and what they're going through. I know, great reward huh?! That's why it's so crappy to have our lives on hold and wait in limbo for what ultimately happens anyway...hoping against hope that it won't. Maybe one of umpteen doesn't finalize by breaking up, but it still makes it hard to hold on and hope. And it's even crummier that we can't hate them like we would someone that broke up because of their finding someone else or something, how can you hate someone for grieving and losing their mind?

Helena, So good to hear from you and all that's going on in your life! I am excited about your new place and potential friends, that is great! That is rank of him to not respond and just leave you hanging like that and I'm glad you're moving on with your life. With your great attitude and outlook, you'll be fine. I'm glad you're not sitting around pining for him, even if the "dates" you've had haven't been what you'd hope for, there's time enough for that. I do think it begins to heal and get easier once you're totally at the "no contact" part of the journey. It's like occasional contact keeps the feelings stirred up.

Of course something of this magnitude can affect your health. You and I both aren't looking forward to Father's Day...that's the day my husband died. Hoping it continues to get a bit easier for you, hang in there and keep going to AA. Is there someone from there that could go with you when you feel you need to go to the cemetery?

Oh Harry, What a great article, you should be proud of all you have accomplished! It's nice to put a face to your name too! And I understand your tears...

Kristen, We've all felt the feelings you're experiencing, I wish I were there to hug you. Can you at least get a hug from your parents? Are there any grief support groups in your town that you could attend? It might really be of help to you. It seems you said it's a small town, is there a neighboring one?

fae, I'm sorry to hear you're having to relive going through his belongings once again, once is indeed enough. I liken it to my having to clean out George's trailer (he stayed in it during the work week as he worked so far away), as well as the house. I never did get around to doing our camping trailer, I mostly try to ignore it's existence, it's just too hard for me to go out there. We made it ours and decorated it and had such wonderful times in it...well, you know what I mean. I plan for my son and his wife to take it once they have a place for it. Gosh, this is just not a journey for the faint hearted, is it? Do you have someone who can help you with this process?

Anne, I love that! But then, I love Dr. Seus. Arlene, I'm sorry to hear about your sister's lack of support; you must do what is best for your ultimate healing and preservation. It's not uncommon for people to find their second year harder to do than the first. I hesitate to say anything to that affect on here for fear of unsettling those approaching their second year and I recognize that everyone's journey is unique.

I still talk to George, and he is inside my head all the time. I find it helps to write to him, talk to him, anything to keep him connected.

It is beautiful, Mary. I wish we could send these kinds of things on up to heaven, he could be busy making it while he's waiting for you to get there. I am having a really hard time with the fact that I married John. Why it's hitting me so hard now, I don't know. As if he could have filled one iota of George's shoes! I realize I must have been still deep in the fog and I understand my reasons for doing so, but even so, it's like I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for such a huge mistake. And yet I know George would understand and no forgiveness necessary with him, he'd just draw me into his arms and hold me, like he always did.

Shannon, my microwave quit before George died and I bought another one...it took me a month to realize I never got it. How do you not notice something like that? IDK, that's how my mind was when he died. That is a great idea, Shannon, getting some help with your meds. It is hard to think when you're newly grieving and you don't just have that, which is way more than enough in and of itself, but you have so much more going on. It's weird how it can feel like forever and yet like they'll be back any moment at the same time. Time becomes surreal. Hang in there, you will get through this, one day at a time.

Thank you, Anne, very well said. And it's never too late to start either. Remember the gentleman that lost his GF when they were teens and it was years later and he was just then starting to deal with his grief? If we try to go around our grief or leave it behind, it will follow us and hunt us down, it WILL be reckoned with, and whether it's been a day, month, year or years, we must do our grief journey unless we want it always still lurking in the background, haunting us. I didn't take that course, I couldn't afford $ for anything extra, when I lost George, I lost half our income and still had the bills to pay, but I have derived countless help here, and referrals, many, many books have been suggested here. The first few months I bought a lot of books or had them given to me. I have never been able to get my focus back for reading like I used to though, so that made it hard to get through them. I don't know why, maybe it damaged my brain. I wouldn't be surprised. Or a combination of that and old age? But I think if we're open to it, we get the message we need to hear, one way or another, God has a way of putting it in front of us. I do wish I'd made use of the course though, because it was undoubtedly organized and didn't leave anything out. :

Chris, When I first lost George, I took on the whole rest of my life at once and was quickly overwhelmed...I found I couldn't do "the rest of my life" and had to take baby bites...one day at a time...breaking it down to one hour, one minute, whatever I could handle. I tried to learn to let loose of worrying and just tackle what I could. I'm still struggling to do that but it gets better with practice. There are some things I have had to learn that I will do without and it's taken time to get used to that...such as not having him to cuddle with or not having him lying next to me. The things he used to do like pull the refrigerator out or change the oil in the car...well I've learned to do some of those things and hire done some of those things and let some things go. But no one can fill the void of "him". I did get a dog to love me and give me companionship and that helped...of course it isn't the same, but it helps.

Mary, it's right above the golden sleeping on the table.

Isn't it funny that Bentley has to avoid pumpkin and Arlie and Kitty have to have it every day to keep their constitutions healthy and well running?! There seems to be no solution that is perfect for everyone, as we all vary. Wishing Bentley luck so his mommy can leave with assurance. I hope you have a good time at your conference! Paul got Skye a little red wagon, it's got wooden slats and his tail hangs out the back. It's longer than most children's wagon's. I tried to find a picture of it but only have a video of it, which I just posted on FB.

I just have to share a picture of Skye and Mozzy at Home Depot with my son. Skye is crippled, he has a slipped disc, a neurological disorder, among other things. He doesn't seem to be in pain and always has a dumb happy look. My son made him a walker but his back feet are starting to lose feeling as well as the front so he can't use it. Here they are, going for their "walk" in Home Depot:

Thanks, at least he's agreed to wait a bit. Things will work out somehow or another.