kayc

Well said. I think sometimes if Paul and I hadn't been so busy in our marriage, who knows what the outcome might have been. All four of us all busy, involved, we raised our kids "on the go". When my son was talking about marriage to his intended, this is one of the things they covered...for she was the same way. He didn't want his marriage lost to "activity" like ours was, and so many others. It remains to be seen what will happen in their marriage, if they will be more successful at balance than we were, but I think they will. I think they will make the concerted effort to take time for them, to keep their lives more balanced. It is harder than it looks in this day and age. It really does take effort!

My mom was crazy and controlling and my dad was ineffectual...I don't respect that either, Plum. I don't want to be with a weak ineffectual man, no offense to my dad. I need an emotionally healthy man who can stand up, not one that buckles and caves to his mom or others. I think a person should do what is right, not be controlled by someone else's whims. I agree, if someone learned, they could have a second chance...but it's hard for a leopard to change his spots and if you don't see evidence of their wanting to change, if they don't admit their wrongs, don't try to learn, it would be foolish to hope for a different response from them. I haven't read that book, but it sounds interesting. I haven't noticed men wanting independent women, but rather groveling over the "damsel in distress" types. Makes me want to puke. I am very independent and can't really be otherwise.

I see where she is coming from too, but it wasn't me and George's experience, so I know that deeper being in love is possible. I also know what you mean, Pollara, about the opposite vs being alike. In every relationship, there will be some things you're the same on and some things you're different on. Of course, we wouldn't want clones of ourselves, that wouldn't be interesting or challenging. It's good to have someone that helps you broaden your perspective and grow as a person. It's also nice to have something else brought to the table. For instance, I was the stable realist and George was the dreamer and more spontaneous. I still miss him jumping out of bed and saying, "Come on, let's go to the coast!" Just as he appreciated my balance in making sure we got our chores done and bills paid. But there were other ways we were alike, like our outlook, our core values, we both enjoyed country music and a great cup of coffee. We enjoyed watching movies together but neither of us were couch potatoes. We enjoyed going for walks and drives, we both loved nature and animals. How could I love someone that didn't love the sound of rushing water or enjoy a sunset with me? So it's important that we be alike in the right ways and different in the right ways...it requires just the right blend and it is often that blend that causes us to feel we at last have found our soul mate. Some say love is how someone makes you feel when you are with them...that is is our own response that makes us feel love.

Sobriety and recovery is an ongoing process, as you well know. It is not the person who regards how tenuous their state is that worries me half as much as the person who feels they've got it licked. My sweet departed dad was an alcoholic, he never knew sobriety until he spent his last month in the hospital. Until then, he drank every day since he was in WWII. It is good that you regard how fragile your state is, for then you can seek help and support as you go through this. Again, I am very sorry for the loss of your dad...it's been over 31 years since mine passed and although it has not interfered with my life, I do still miss him and wish he could have been here for the birth of his grandchildren, and just not missed out on so much.

My dearest Shannon, I am so sorry. I thank God for your sister-in-law, and I pray God will undergird you during this difficult time. My heart goes out to you, I know what it feels like to lose your dear sweet husband. There will be times it will be hard to think. Know that all of us have been through this and will here for you, any time you want to talk. I believe with all of my heart we will be joined with our loved ones and between now and then, we carry them in our hearts.

Oh Mary, I do understand your deep seated feelings, needing to know someone cares, that you are "enough". If I thought it'd do any good, I'd probably be running around, making myself indispensable, making "friends". But I did all that in my younger years. When Paul and I divorced after 23 years of marriage, and 23 years in our church, I found myself cut adrift...I had always been important, needed, been busy doing, in charge of this, in charge of that. I had countless friends, everyone looked up to me. All that changed in an instant. Everything changed. I, who had always been looked up to and respected, was suddenly receiving hate mail, and my kids screened my calls...it was a horrendous time. I withdrew into the sanctuary of my home where it was safe. I was cut off from people and the life that I'd known. I found out that all of the "friends" I thought I'd had...weren't. Sometimes I wonder if I wasted my life "doing" instead of just "being" and did anything I did make any difference in the grand scheme of things? I know that raising my kids was important, being George's wife was important, working brought in money, but did anything else I ever did really matter? Right now I know that being mom to Arlie, Miss Mocha, and Kitty is important to them. My job is necessary as we need money to live. I try to reach out to people and be there for them, so I have some sense of purpose with that. And it's okay. Do you ever have times when you just sit and look out at nature, spending time just "being", not particularly thinking, just sitting, being, enjoying what is? I find that one of the most vital things to my soul. That is my communion with God...somehow I think He rather likes that. Rather than rushing around doing, just being is enough. I am who He created me to be. I will fulfill His purpose for me. And sometimes I think it's me that gets it backwards. I see people at my church rushing around doing, doing, doing, all the time, and I used to be like them. I cannot do that again. I cannot let myself get caught up in that again. I've been there. postscript: there is a difference between who we ARE and what we DO. I have been Sunday School teacher, all ages, Vacation Bible School Director, Choir Member, Worship Team Member, Ensemble member, Chairman of the Board of Stewards, Board of Christian Life Director, Treasurer, Church Secretary, Church Board Secretary, Financial Secretary, Auditor, Missionary President, and everything else on Mission Council, worked with youth, in charge of Prison Ministries, Kids in Talent Training, Junior Bible Quizzing, Caravans Scouting leader, Girl Scouts leader, Homeroom Mother, and so much more. But that is not who I am! That is what I have done.

Mary, What is a thundershirt? I'm glad you are okay. I tried to come on line earlier and my internet wasn't working again. I took the 1/2 hour to call and complain to them, for all the good it did, I feel helpless as there isn't any other service available to my area. Mary, I don't know how you can live in tornado-area! That would terrify me! I don't mind thunder, but tornadoes? That's a force too big to reckon with! Giving away Bill's shirts was a huge feat, and I hope it's offset by knowing it will go to good use. It is an unnerving thing to do, no matter when you do it.

Yeah, that sounds about like it. I don't think anyone can prepare for how hard hitting it is. I'm glad you have your DIL. My son was in the Air Force when George died and could only get a week off, and my daughter was here off and on for a while but after that I was alone. The focus deficit and lack of drive persists and its hard to combat. It's like I have to force myself whereas I never did before. I get done the things I have to do, but seem to lack interest in things that once would have drawn me. You're lucky you have the ability to pray, it took me about a year before I really could, although I went through the motions and tried, it's like I couldn't concentrate on anything,

I have never had that experience, and my husband died nearly eight years ago. I only WISH I could see him! For the first several years, I only dreamed about him twice, but this year have had many more dreams with him in it. Are you afraid this will affect your sobriety?

I don't know if it's natural or not, but I do know there's a lot we don't know about how this realm fits in with the other one...some people are more sensitive and seem to pick up on things easier than others. When you hear about mediums and ESP, well, it makes one wonder if just maybe there isn't more to it than we realize.

It is very understandable. Grief is just a hard thing to go through and everyone seems to wing a different path. Hang in there.

Oh Harry, that is wonderful news, albeit very bittersweet indeed. And you are prioritizing which is always good. Now, we can't wait to hear what it is you're going to do for YOU!

I disagree, Pollara...passion and romance doesn't evaporate through time with some loves...it didn't with my late husband and I. We had passion until the day he died, and I believe it's still there, just waiting for us to be together again. And we always had romance. It never waned. I don't believe people tire in their relationship unless it's not all that it should be. Many times we "settle" for something that is less than what we'd hope for because we think that's all there is or can be. My George gave me an entirely different perspective on love. He was my soul mate. After he died, I knew there'd never be another anywhere near like him and I settled for what was...but it didn't come anywhere close to what we'd had. The potential often exists but that doesn't mean it'll be brought to fruition...it requires so much of BOTH partners to have it be its potential. And even though George and I both expended tremendous effort, it didn't FEEL like work, it was just what we wanted to do. Sadly, most people never realize such love in their lifetimes...it's something I would hope for everyone to experience. I do think some people confuse the heady newness of a new relationship with passion and love...given about six months it'll wane, but it's not the same thing that George and I experienced because that never did.

Anne, you're so sweet, always finding just the thing to share with us! After George passed, a friend told me you can't be friends with someone you haven't met in person...I disagree. The people here ARE my friends and have seen me through everything! It doesn't get any better than this, unless one day we were to get to meet in person...and then I might give Anne a run for her chocolate!

Mary, Your Bentley would fit right in with me, most everyone in my family is OCD, I think of it as normal. Please keep us posted about the tornado warnings, stay safe! If it looks to be close, you and Bentley find a shelter! Is there one nearby? We'd be out of luck, Oregon doesn't generally get tornadoes so no preparation for them. You asked how it went with my mom last night...wearing, just wearing. Her paranoia was kicked in full blast, she was extremely negative. I just felt so worn out when I left from the emotional drain. I know she can't help it, it's an illness, and it has to truly suck to be her, but it's also hard to be around, that's why we try to do it in small doses. I came home last night and my internet was down and I was too tired to care, I walked Arlie and laid down. Today's a new day.

I think I've had turtle days for about 14 years now! I totally understand the need to withdraw...

fae, Your journey sounds fabulous! Oh to see all that wild life! I'm sorry about the natives that are losing fish to the greed of the white man...I hope the gov't gives it back to them, it just seems wrong, this was their culture and way of life!

Chris, I usually try to ride it out. If I need to, I cry, scream, whatever. I don't as much now that I'm years out, but I sure did at first...but even now it hits now and then. Walking relieves stress, so I do that. And judging from the weight I gained, I tried to eat my grief. I couldn't watch tv the first year or so. I still can't read books, I lost my focus and after eight years I still don't have it back. I don't know if I ever will but it's not looking likely...I've accepted it, it is what it is. And I cleaned. The morning after George died, I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I don't know what that was about, I'm not a germ fanatic by any means. I have always been a pray-er but I found it hard to pray the first year after...God understands about that and girds us until such time as we can again. And the neat thing about it is, He understand everything we are going through and He can take our buffeting...He has broad shoulders. He really understands.

Arlie is very protective of me and the truck. I get complaints when I go to the local restaurant from a neighbor because he'll put up a storm every time someone goes near the truck...I try to park away from the door, but... Arlie is very regimented as far as recognizing the signs of what's going to happen...he takes it akin to a promise! For instance, when he sees me putting my shoes/socks on, he knows it's walk time! It's kind of funny, really.

I'll look for the msg... Could the swap have happened when your place was cleaned out? How did someone get your phone w/o you knowing? That feels like such an invasion. I'm sorry! Have you advertised the business? Can you put your bus. card or a flyer in nearby pet stores? I'm glad Luna likes her sticks, we've gotta keep these pets happy!

Jim was LIVING in death. He was sleep deprived and his demanding mother calling out to him constantly, running him ragged. He couldn't leave, and his daughter was supposed to bring him meals and sometimes "forgot". It was a mess. He was way overloaded. To top it off, he's Aspergers, and that further complicated his situation. Yes, I did bring pressure on him, by telling him I didn't think it was unreasonable to expect that he should let me spend one hour a week at his mom's with him. I told him this could go on for years and I didn't think it reasonable for us to be able to live with no contact. MY experience had been taking care of my own MIL who had been sent home from the hospital to die (they'd given her about three weeks to live) and she lived nearly three YEARS after that...Jim's mom didn't have a cancer diagnosis or anything, she had just given up on life. But now that she had "her Jimmy" there taking care of her, I figured she could go on indefinitely! She was getting what she wanted. But lo and behold, she died within three months anyway. Jim couldn't handle my outburst and I couldn't handle his ignoring me exclusively while his ex-wife, friends and neighbors were allowed to come over and help him but I was not. It was his mother who refused to let me there, she'd never met me and not only didn't want to, she refused. I felt he should have man-upped and told his mom I, as his fiance, was going to see him once a week and that was that. He didn't have the balls to. That's okay, I don't want anyone that can't stand up to the plate better than that.

Sometimes we don't know what they've been through because they don't tell us and all we can read is the handwriting on the wall. Sometimes the signs tell us a lot. My last husband was cheating on me and I knew it...I didn't have "proof", I didn't need proof, I knew the signs, I'd been through it before. And sure enough, it turned out he was, when I filed the missing person's report, a couple of days later the police called, they'd found him living in our new motor home with his new young woman. You see, sometimes you just instinctively know something, without needing to be told, without them admitting it, without proof. The situation is very different with your lady, but the principle can be the same, you can know, deep inside, what is going on with her, what she's been through, sometimes without being told, by her responses. I don't think she left you cuz she doesn't want to be with you, I think it has a lot to do with the grief and perhaps some things she is going through. I think it has very little to do with you and a great deal more to do with HER. But that is something I think all of us have asked ourselves about our departing mate, in an attempt to understand...and yes, we do analyze, because we want answers and we haven't been getting them. We want to understand, make some sense of this. I'm so sorry you're having a bad day.

Shannon, I am sorry, I really am. I know of nothing harder than letting go of the one you love. I didn't get a choice when George died, it just happened. You aren't being granted a choice either, but somehow this limbo state seems harder. You're right, I don't know of a harder loss than your husband...that's because we're one with them and it's like cutting out half of us. We are here for you as you go through this, holding you up in prayer.

Are you going to get her a tunnel? Let me know how she likes it/does with it. Are you talking about the pet care business? I would think that would bring you great satisfaction, esp. since it was a dream you both shared. Don't give up on the idea, right now you're just down and that's to be expected. It'd be terribly hard to have a vacation planned and instead you're grieving him. This is a hard time to get through, I imagine you'll be glad when that vac. "time" is past.

Hospice usually helps the one who is left behind, I also had a grief counselor when George died, he wasn't right for me so I discontinued after a while, but most are better, I just live in a rural area where there isn't much choice. This site has been invaluable to me! I know I was in a fog the first few months and remember my feelings...anxiety, fear, loneliness, it was overwhelming. It takes time to work our way through it. I haven't received any visions but am glad it was of some comfort to you.