kayc

I don't know, Harry, that sounds like a devious chortle! What exactly do you have planned for the groundhog? This is fodder for a movie, you know...

Mary, big hugs for you, I know that is something you will never forget. There is a beautiful post in loss of child section today, you might want to read it. Particle board for subflooring? Floating floors are nice and may be easier on the joints, I hope you find one you like! A few years ago, we discovered bees going in to the door on the house where the hot water tank is. My son opened the door to kill the bees and lo and behold he discovered the tank had been leaking onto a particle board floor that was water soluble and was of no earthly good anymore! The tank was holding on by a tiny screw that they had put in for when it was moved (it's a mobile home), ready to drop down through the worthless floor at any given moment! My son took the tank out, replaced the rotten flooring with double thickness board that was NOT water soluble, put in a new tank, and saved the day! You have to wonder what builders are thinking sometimes.

I agree so much. I ultimately found the same thing true, that I had to protect myself. We can forgive but it's not that easy to put a relationship back together after so much breech...it requires tremendous effort, building trust again, etc. Are they/would they be up to the task? Not likely. I don't see any sign that Jim would. And then too, hasn't it altered how we view them, as weak, not exactly stable rocks for us! So yes, while it may be possible to salvage the relationship in the end, it's highly unlikely. We must decide for ourselves how much/long we are willing to be put on hold and take this and then if that time comes and goes, we must get on with our lives. And they must understand when they're pushing us away, that is a risk they are taking, and are okay with that risk apparently as they go ahead about their lives without us. I don't think any of this can be about "blame", we can't blame them for grieving, can't blame them even for how they're handling it, once you understand grief and how it affects people, you understand it hits everyone different and their responses/coping varies. This is not about blame, but about US and what WE will/won't take...what WE are willing to put up with, how long WE are willing to wait, and protecting ourselves from undue hurt and disrespect. This is about US setting appropriate boundaries to protect ourselves.

This post will be very helpful to other who lose a child, one of the hardest losses one can ever face...the one we all dread. I am sorry for your loss. I know that grief is on-going although we get better at coping, I truly hate the term "moving on" because I don't think that's something that someone who loves someone can do when they lose them. This isn't like a break up where you "move on"! Acceptance is one thing, moving on is something else. How do you move on from someone irreplaceable dying? To me, that term has no place in grief recovery. And recovery is an on-going process, not something you're suddenly over and done with. As many of us have learned, it is possible to experience joy after loss, and it begins with giving ourselves permission to. It is not the same as "before", but we learn to appreciate what IS and be present more appreciatively. I applaud your post, thank you!

I just have to say, my positive last night was making it home safely. I had the closest call I've ever had to dying on the way home. It's weird how your life flashes before your eyes in one instant (some idiot passed me going 90 mph on a blind curve and a semi came around the corner head on, I had to brake hard to let the idiot in and the semi swerved to avoid him, but there was NO extra room, it was a miss by an inch, I swear). My adrenaline was running most of the night! The uppermost thought on my mind as this was happening was Arlie. I know the cats will be okay, it'd be easy to find someone to adopt them, but Arlie...not so. I'm the only taker. Poor Arlie! My son adores him but not his wife. I just have to stay alive to take care of him the rest of his life!

Chris, so glad your trip with your daughter went well and I'm sure it was good for her too, to not go alone, and to get to spend some time with her dad.

Anne, I am so sorry, I can imagine how scary that must have been...and still feels, until you know what caused it. I hope it was a one time thing and it never happens again! Between that and the extremely close call I had last night (commuting), it just serves as a reminder how quickly everything can change, how fragile life feels! I know we can't always control outcomes, but all of us here have already learned how much we have to appreciate what we have while it's here. (((big hugs Anne)))

Love the picture, Anne! Mary, I'm sure you'll be glad to get home, I'm glad you aren't pushing yourself (too much)!

I'm sure you wish you could sleep and wake up when it's all over. What is causing the temperature?

Shannon, Is your fever coming down?

Shannon, You are so right. Being ready to die and wanting to die out of despondence are two different things. I think it's common, in early grief, to not want to live at times, but that time should pass, if not, a person should seek professional help to sort through their feelings and get help rebuilding.

Kristen, Can you consider taking a job somewhere where you can have a fresh start, somewhere where people will give you a chance, and get to know you? You are too outgoing to be cooped up alone! It seems a veterinary's office would be great for you! (I've always wished I could work for one).

Oh Shannon, I'm sorry! I remember not being able to sleep, pacing the house at all hours. I didn't realize Leo had had a twin. It has to be hard for Mary too. Do let us know how you're doing when you awaken. Your pictures are beautiful, I assume that's your wedding? And the first one, is that his sister and BIL?

Chris, I think it is great that you are placing your daughter's safety over your own comfort level and I applaud you for being will to go with her. Could it be that your protective stance towards Paula, even though she's passed, is due to your having taken care of her for so long?

Anne, How beautifully written, your post! I'll have to go back and peruse some of my 2nd year posts... Shannon, I have had many losses too but none compared with my George. It hits at every level of your life. I think to be a child and lose your mother it most feel the same way as they impact your life so much growing up.

Jan, Good for you, it's things like this that help us venture back into the land of the living. Every step is a concerted effort but it all helps us get there.

Shannon, Thank you for coming here and in the thick of your own grief, caring about us. You will see in the time to come that we really do look out for each other and help one another through this journey. Jan, Hearing about your spot where you sat and read, drank wine, and watched moths reminds me of our beloved patio deck where it overlooks our property, with forest in the background...we'd sit on our porch swing and watch the hummingbirds come feed from our flower-bedecked patio! Yes, for years it was hard for me to spend time out there, but now I am making my way back. I discovered Miss Mocha has claimed the porch swing (my cat) so she'll have to move over now.

Well I can attest to the fact that when we're grieving, we are kind of out of our minds for a while, we're in a fog and can't think clearly. Yes, they break up even if we handle everything perfectly, because it's not about us, it's about them and what they're going through. I know, great reward huh?! That's why it's so crappy to have our lives on hold and wait in limbo for what ultimately happens anyway...hoping against hope that it won't. Maybe one of umpteen doesn't finalize by breaking up, but it still makes it hard to hold on and hope. And it's even crummier that we can't hate them like we would someone that broke up because of their finding someone else or something, how can you hate someone for grieving and losing their mind?

Helena, So good to hear from you and all that's going on in your life! I am excited about your new place and potential friends, that is great! That is rank of him to not respond and just leave you hanging like that and I'm glad you're moving on with your life. With your great attitude and outlook, you'll be fine. I'm glad you're not sitting around pining for him, even if the "dates" you've had haven't been what you'd hope for, there's time enough for that. I do think it begins to heal and get easier once you're totally at the "no contact" part of the journey. It's like occasional contact keeps the feelings stirred up.

Of course something of this magnitude can affect your health. You and I both aren't looking forward to Father's Day...that's the day my husband died. Hoping it continues to get a bit easier for you, hang in there and keep going to AA. Is there someone from there that could go with you when you feel you need to go to the cemetery?

Oh Harry, What a great article, you should be proud of all you have accomplished! It's nice to put a face to your name too! And I understand your tears...

Kristen, We've all felt the feelings you're experiencing, I wish I were there to hug you. Can you at least get a hug from your parents? Are there any grief support groups in your town that you could attend? It might really be of help to you. It seems you said it's a small town, is there a neighboring one?

fae, I'm sorry to hear you're having to relive going through his belongings once again, once is indeed enough. I liken it to my having to clean out George's trailer (he stayed in it during the work week as he worked so far away), as well as the house. I never did get around to doing our camping trailer, I mostly try to ignore it's existence, it's just too hard for me to go out there. We made it ours and decorated it and had such wonderful times in it...well, you know what I mean. I plan for my son and his wife to take it once they have a place for it. Gosh, this is just not a journey for the faint hearted, is it? Do you have someone who can help you with this process?

Anne, I love that! But then, I love Dr. Seus. Arlene, I'm sorry to hear about your sister's lack of support; you must do what is best for your ultimate healing and preservation. It's not uncommon for people to find their second year harder to do than the first. I hesitate to say anything to that affect on here for fear of unsettling those approaching their second year and I recognize that everyone's journey is unique.

I still talk to George, and he is inside my head all the time. I find it helps to write to him, talk to him, anything to keep him connected.