kayc

Very beautifully written. I have been fortunate in that my family and friends do not avoid talking about George. I do remember my mom commenting years ago that she liked talking with me because I would bring up Daddy (he's been gone nearly 30 years now) and it let her know someone else thought of him and missed him too. Now I know how she feels.

I like that analogy.

It's very hard to have such a day in our society, a day for celebrating love with that special someone...when you don't have that person to celebrate with, it grinds it home all the more. Saturday night I attended the valentine banquet at our church...I sat there for two hours while couples enjoyed it...I finally left before the guest speaker began to talk...I could not endure an hour of listening to a speech on love, etc. It is hard enough being single and going through Valentine's Day, but when you've had that special soulmate in your life and then lost them to death, there is no word for how it is to survive Valentine's Day alone. At least today we know we don't have to face that again for another year. I hope you all are doing better today.

Oh Nats, my heartfelt love and support to you today, my prayers are with you. I'm glad you will not be alone today.

Becky, I too was the "practical one" and George the spontaneous romantic one...how I miss his surprises and love notes! He used to write notes to me and leave them all over the house, in the closet, the bathroom cabinet, the laundry room, everywhere...I still have them up, I will not take them down unless I move and then I'll take them with me. I know this day is hard for all of us...most of my life I have had someone in my life but I am used to being alone now and choose to share today by celebrating my dog's birthday...I ordered a pizza for us for tonight and will have a neighbor over to watch tv tonight so I won't be alone all day at least. It's not the same as having that special someone in your life but that was then and this is now, and now I must survive and I tell my sweet George "I hope you're having a good day in heaven and I hope to see you soon" (don't worry, not planning to die any time soon, but in the grand scheme of things, it is a short time and we will be reunited, it only seems long to us who are left here).

Oh Harry, You just make us love you! Here you are grieving over the loss of your wife, yet you are thinking of others and how to spare them this misfortune. Your selflessness and caring really touches me. Your wife, I'm sure, is enjoying the decoration and the card you are placing in her memory today. While some of us do not do these outward things, still our loved one is uppermost in our hearts and this day is another day that we miss them with all of our being...this day has ceased to have meaning except it is the day I celebrate my dog's birthday with him so he is my valentine. _

Kat, Your Bear is beautiful, I can understand how you and Elvis feel. He's the same color as my dog (1/2 Golden Retriever, 1/2 Siberian Husky). I know you'll miss him and I hope you and Elvis can find solace with each other. (((hugs))) Kay

Marty, I hope you're having a wonderful birthday, you mean the world to us!

Cheryl, VERY wise words! I want to print this out as a reminder to myself. You are so right, just understanding about grief doesn't heal ourselves. I tend to not give myself credit for the things I've survived and some of the hard decisions I've made, and just plain survival in general. I'm getting that we are responsible for our own happiness and lives, and it IS a choice.

In my case, I did speak up, to no avail. All I can say is, shame on them.

Anne offered very good advice; it really does feel good and empower us to "have our say" even if it doesn't result in a change. I had something similar happen although not nearly that grand a scale. It is aggravating that people can take advantage of someone else's misfortune!

Becky, It sounds like you are making great decisions! It is good to have something part time to do, esp. if it's flexible hours and doesn't sap you completely but helps you feel worthwhile. You have so much you can contribute to the world! I'm glad you have your sister-in-law close by, that helps! Marty, thank you for the wonderful suggestions. I still don't know that I have purpose in life other than taking care of my pets and being there for my friends, but maybe it just doesn't feel like purpose compared to my life with George...I definitely felt I had purpose with him, I was his world! I think just making it through the day is a lot...

Oh Becky, I wish I had an answer. Some seem to move forward so easily, but not most. It's been nearly seven years and I still don't know my purpose. I just try to get through the day and that's enough to deal with. I'm working two days a week plus have church on Sunday. The rest of the days stretch out endlessly. It gets lonely but not as much as it used to. Some cultures give a year to mourn and then they're done. I would say it takes two to three years to process it. Give yourself time, ten months isn't enough. At least you're retired and have some options...I wish I could be retired instead of trying to get jobs that don't exist and won't hire me and worrying about how I'm going to survive, it's very stressful. Have you thought of volunteering your time? ICUs could use people to hold babies, animal shelters could use dog walkers, Food Banks can use help, etc. Usually your local newspaper has a list of volunteer positions available in the community.

I am sorry your daughter is suffering but I know it'll strengthen the bond between you. My son deeply grieved George, even though he was his stepfather and entered his life when he was 17, they were very close. It was hard for him because he was in the Air Force when he died, but thankfully out of boot camp and tech school. Those in his office understood. I'm glad your daughter is seeing a counselor. Good luck with your move!

Melina, Yes I can relate...my kids left home before George died, but my daughter stayed with me a short time after his death. After my son got out of the service, he stayed with me off and on, but he's owned his own home for a couple of years now so I know he won't be moving back, plus now he's engaged. It is indeed very quiet. I know I exist, just not sure anyone else does. It wasn't so bad when I was working full time, but now...it's hard to feel a sense of purpose or reason for living other than my dog.

Mary, It is indeed hard to be without them, they're such wonderful company. I've been thinking about trying to brush my dog's teeth...he's not the most cooperative sort, he gets flighty and anxious, moves quick and jerkily when he's uncertain about something. But he's four now and it'd be good to tackle it before disease gets started.

I don't envy you your moving, I hope you have plenty of help. I do hope you don't have to wait a month before checking in here, a library should have a computer too. Our thoughts are with you!

I shared it on my friend's wall on FB, she lost her husband last month. Thank you for sharing this!

Yes I say amen to that! When I lost George, I didn't care if I ate or not, and sleep seemed out of the question, but I soon realized that taking care of myself was one thing I could control, so it felt good to have some degree of power restored to me at a time when I felt all power had been stripped from me. No one asked if I wanted to lose my husband, no one asked if I wanted my life turned upsidedown, my income cut in half, my best friend a soulmate gone, so I learned to take care of myself as best as I could, walking twice a day, eating healthy, whether I felt like it or not, drinking plenty of water. I didn't take any sleeping aids but in looking back, I think it would have helped if I had, there are some that are safe and non-addictive, I wish I would have considered it because it's hard for your mind to think straight at a time like this and even less so without sleep.

There was a couple and their adult son that were lost in the woods for six days with no provisions, they had their Pit Bull with them. They left their other two dogs in their trailer and the searchers found them and also their truck, but no sign of them. Finally they found them, and after a brief stay in the hospital, they were released. They told the reporters they'd been considering eating their dog. I had a hard time with this, because I view my dog as my baby. I'm afraid if I was in that position we'd both die together, I just couldn't consider eating my dog. I know everyone feels different about their pets, but to me they are "family" not "food".

Dave, I've applied for a job working 3 days a week, it pays $6/hr less than my current job but if I incorporated the two jobs together I think I could stay in my home, although nothing for extras. I'm hoping I get it as it's local and I'd only have to commute two days a week, I'd be putting in longer hours but without the commute, it'd be about the same length of time and less wear and tear on my car. Keeping my fingers crossed...

Kim, Yes, you will feels times of happiness again, but they will also be surrounded by times of sadness and/or missing him. Everyone's journey is different as is their personal resilience, so how long it will take remains to be seen. As for the sexual...many of us feel our lives with our mates were abruptly cut short midway, and in the beginning, it's hard to distinguish that they're gone, really gone, so what we had before with them will haunt us for a time. For many of us we dealt with that before they died as they had physical problems that preceded their death. That, too, often goes away as we cease to give place to it. Everyone is different though, and I'm sure it differs from the young to the old and just us as individuals. I had times where the tears would overcome me, for years to come...now I rarely cry. Maybe I'm cried out or maybe I feel after all this time, it does no good. But if I felt the need to cry, I'd let the tears fall, they're a good release.

Alone, I think for the most part the pain gradually lessens until you don't notice it any more, but the missing them, the loving them, that is with us always, we learn to carry it inside our hearts. I reach inside for my husband's encouragement and comfort whenever I need it, but it took me a long time to learn to do that. I started a "letters to George" file in my computer after he died, and when I need to talk to him (we told each other everything), I write it out there. It helps. Do you have someone with you or nearby, a child or friend perhaps? My daughter came and stayed with me but after 2-3 weeks I was on my own most of the time, I didn't feel ready to be but my son was in the Air Force so just had a short leave and had to go back. It helps tremendously, coming here, as here you will find people who understand, who have walked where you walk. A lot of people get help through hospice, grief counselors, meetings but I live in the country so there's nothing nearby. I did see a grief counselor briefly but didn't feel he was a good selection because he hadn't been through it and his advice seemed inappropriate. Most have had better luck with theirs. This is the place that really saved me. Just know that everything you feel is normal, and many of the feelings can be conflicting yet you experience all kinds at once. That too is normal. Try not to do too much at once. It's really regrettable that in our society so much seems required when we seem least able to give it (going back to work, planning a service, dealing with bills, cleaning out things, etc.) It helps to put off what you can until you're more ready and then enlist a friend or someone's help when you decide to tackle it. I took on too much alone, too soon. (((hugs))) Kay

Mary, That's kind of how I felt about the movie I saw...the marriage was nothing like me and George's, and I would never advocate having an affair, so the movie storyline wasn't one I would choose...I missed most of it as my daughter called and talked in the middle of it, but I think the gist of the movie was the woman felt it was more important for her kids to know the real her rather than shielding them from her affair. She could have done that, however, while she was alive, but she was too wimpy to face their questions or anger so she chose to do it after she died, which of course made it harder for her kids, but in a way it forced them to learn about it whereas if she was still alive they might have been more tempted to just avoid her and the whole sordid thing. Amazing what people learn after someone dies. It does seem unfair to the survivors.

I think even more important than sharing our losses, we share our memories...we each knew and loved each other's husbands and get why they were special and we miss them.