kayc

I'm sorry you are going through this. I belong to marriagebuilders.com and they don't recommend separation except in case of abuse, someone being a drug addict or alcoholic, in which case they'd refer to al-anon for starters. How do YOU feel about this? You don't mention much of a reaction under the circumstances. Do you feel resentment, relief, hurt, anger, fear? If you both have OCD, you could both benefit from therapy. It is a disorder that responds well to treatment. My guess is that is not the only reason why he left, but that is the platform he used as an excuse. Sometimes people think another person is the easy solution (I can be with this person over here and I won't have to deal with "___" problem.) Problem is, we ALL have stuff and if you're in a relationship with a person, you're going to realize that sooner or later. The trick is finding the person you're most compatible with and their "stuff" you can deal with, vice versa...and we ALL have to work on our relationships. If we think not, we're just fooling ourselves and we're in for a big surprise. I think your husband will find that out. OW (other woman) and his big attraction will wear off in two to six months as the newness wears off, and it usually escalates wearing thin when they start living, spending a lot of time together. You may want to see an attorney to discover your rights and what is a good move, what is not a good move. I wouldn't recommend leaving the family home. If you have children, you may want to file a legal separation to get child support and custody arrangements in order...and BTW, stipulate they not be around OW. It's not a good idea to have them confused and exposed to others in their dad's life. If they end up married, there's time enough to deal with that. Most of the time it doesn't come to that, but sometimes it does. I had a controlling husband for 23 years, it's not fun. A good thing to work on would be your self-esteem, which comes from within, not from him, not from anyone else. He can't make you feel suicidal, that is something important to understand...if you feel suicidal because of his actions, it means you don't see a way out and you're not happy in your situation. Please don't ever consider that as a viable option. Whatever situation you're in, it's temporary, even if it's gone on a long time, you can change the course of your life. YOU can set about to make yourself in a happier place. Do you have friends or family nearby? It sounds like you could use some support. If you want to save your marriage, it's important to expose their affair to his family, your family, your friends, even his workplace if they work together. A lot of people are afraid of making the other person mad, but that is not the thing to be afraid of...they get mad but it blows over. If you want to save your marriage, you have to kill the affair and they tend to die when exposed to light, they thrive in darkness. Another important thing to not fall in the trap of is...don't let him come back and forth between the two of you. She will be meeting some of his needs but if you are also meeting some of his needs, he won't have a chance to notice that she is NOT meeting some of them. If he shows interest in you, make it clear that he has to let go of her first. If he reaches that point, let me know, I'll tell you what to do next. At this point, I would go "no contact" with him. No email, texts, phone, FB, nothing. Get an intermediary for your children, a sister or someone that will be the go between for visitation drop offs. Every time you subject yourself to seeing him it will trigger the original pain in you, you need to protect yourself. It's also important to not let him have that degree of control. Meanwhile, work on yourself. If you need to lose weight, work on that, go to the gym, buy a new outfit, get your hair done, get help for your OCD, take up a new hobby or class you've always wanted to try. Spend time with friends. Redo your bedroom the way you want it. Make your life about yourself. If you need help sleeping or with anxiety or depression, see a doctor and talk to him/her about it. Remember to get exercise, even if it's just a walk a day, it helps you feel better. Eat healthy, drink plenty of water, all of this contributes to feeling better. And come here, I'll be here to listen and talk to, okay? If you don't want to save the marriage, that's entirely up to you too, you definitely have plenty of reason if you don't want to. The only one who can decide what's best is you. You say you would have done anything for him...trouble is, the more you did, the less he thought of you, instead of appreciating you like he should have, he took you for a push over. Do less for him, do more for YOU. Become independent. You'd be amazed the response this usually evokes, but don't do it for his response, which would be a form of manipulation, do it because it's the best thing for YOU. Remember, you don't have to decide right now today if you want him or the marriage, you just need to take those first steps to making your life healthier and happier for YOU. Time enough for figuring tomorrow out. But if you have kids, get things set in stone legally to protect their interests. Normally it's in their best interest to stay in their home so their lives will be disrupted as little as possible. This man will probably try to push you around, tell you it's his home, his money, etc. etc., they read like a script. Don't fall for it. Get legal counsel and let them handle it. You can probably even get him forced to pay for it. Laws vary from state to state so it's important to check with counsel in your state. Make sure you get copies of all bank accounts, protect assets. Usually when they leave they start new accounts, withdraw money, start protecting their vehicles, etc. It's important to act NOW before that happens. I have known people who are OCD, they vary a lot from extreme to liveable. IMHO they can all benefit from some therapy, but don't think that alone is why the marriage split. The truth is, controlling people want to control everything and your OCD isn't something he can control, that bugs him big time. There's other issues here too. You say "the only one of his wives"...how many times was he married? Do you know why the other marriages split up? Has he got a pattern going here? Do not feel bad for posting here...yes a lot have lost spouses to death, but losing a spouse through their walking out does NOT feel good either and you need support just as much as anyone here. I'm glad you came here and hope you will come "vent" any time you need to...and you're likely to need to a lot in the upcoming days ahead. (((hugs))) from someone who's been there... Kay

Mary, Very beautifully stated. I posted this to a friend's wall that just lost her husband two weeks ago...I'm hoping her friends will read it.

Fred, I think you are right, I think the "I" was merged for so long we ceased to recognize it, and yes, we need to reacquaint ourselves. I would definitely hook up with your AA group if you feel the need, esp. as most of them are such supportive groups! My MIL belonged for the last several years of her life and she thought of them as her other family.

Melina, I have a different take on this than you do. I'm sure she listened and cared when you were seeing her. But as you well know, when grief hits, it overshadows everything and we do not have it in us to be there for others or listen to their trivia. You need to remember that not everyone that came to see her had a pressing problem, some think if they break a nail it's a big deal...and talk about it at length. Right now she doesn't have the capacity for others that she once did. She will undoubtedly get it back and when she does, it will be with much more compassion and comprehension than she ever could have had before. You told her to call you if she needed to talk because you're a caring person, you've been there, and you know how it feels...and you recognize her need to be heard. Try not to personalize her remark, remember, when you're newly grieving, you're not in your same state of mind as you were before. I sure wasn't! It was all about ME because it takes every ounce of our strength just to survive it. Also, if you don't feel you have it in you to minister to her, refer her to your grief counselor, as a professional, she should understand.

Dave, I hope Fancy is doing better each day, please keep us posted!

You know, the more I think about it, the more I am convinced there is a "we" and there is an "I"...always was, always will be. "I" am me, I have my personality, my aspirations, my convictions, my thoughts. "We" is us..."we" loved each other completely. "We" made and shared so many memories. "We" loved so many of the same things...nature, animals, family, simple things. "We" will never die even though George passed away. Sometimes our "we" is so encompassing that we forget there is an "I". That is what we must become more acquainted with after they're gone. Each of us must discover our own strength and our own way through this journey. And they would be so proud of us.

I also write letters to George whenever I feel the need to, not as much now as in the first few years, but still, on occasion. Sometimes I wonder if he knows what's going on in my life. Oh how I wish I could talk to him! I know some people believe in conversing with the dead, but I haven't experienced anything like that, I wish it were possible, but I do believe I'll be with him again and I don't care whether in body or spirit so long as we're together. They say there isn't marriage in heaven, but I know one thing, I was his little one through all time and that will never change, how could it?

I assure you, you are not going crazy, all that you are feeling is very normal for the circumstances, ask any of us here. And you're right, this forum has a special group of people, very authentic and I think we've all touched each other and helped each other tremendously. After 6 1/2 years, I am very aware that I am an "I" not a "we" any more, yet my heart will always be joined to his in an inexplicable way...we connected, we were truly soul mates, and that is how I feel no matter how much time passes or what I go through. I miss the "we" part, I miss him. he was the joy in my soul.

You are so sweet, you are going through the hardest thing in your life and yet you are thinking of us. It does seem overwhelming, that part will get better with time. I lost my job and will lose my home...that feels overwhelming to me right now. Hopefully a year from now it will have all worked itself out. Change is stressful, and so is uncertainty. You are going through both. I want you to know you will make it, just as we have, one day at a time, and we'll be here to go through this journey with you if you like. The emotions can feel like a lot to deal with, esp. if you're not used to so much emotion. It's okay. It's normal to feel all kinds of things and even wonder if you're going crazy (you're not). Yes, the road from "we" to "I" is quite a transition. If it helps any, I've learned to carry George inside my heart. All of the memories are there, and I can reach inside and draw strength and encouragement and comfort from him whenever I need to. It took me a while to learn to do that. It's comforting to know that I had someone that adored me, someone I had real love with, and even though I'm alone now, at least I know I've had that...some people never do. Keep coming here, it helps, it's the best forum in the world, IMHO.

I live so far from a theater, I will probably wait until it's out on DVD, but definitely want to see it. Meryl Streep is one of my favorite actresses, she does an amazing job with such a variety of themes. I'm glad to hear you liked it!

Welcome to this forum, there are some great people here. I'm sorry you lost your husband and I can really relate to your love of dogs. My own dog was rescued from the animal shelter and I know he would have been hard to place...he's a chewer and a digger, but I found that once he got used to his surroundings here, it's settled down considerably. He is my greatest companion and the most fun dog I've ever met, it's just people don't give him a chance and get to know him...he happens to be big and people are put off by that. When I tell them that's size discrimination, they look at me funny. I tell them if he was a 20 lb. dog you would think nothing of his behavior or movements, it's just when they're over 100 lbs they don't want them to move or talk. Me, I like him just the way he is. I'm so glad there are people like you that see the good in dogs and give them, not only a chance, but a loving home. The return is very much worth it!

I'm sorry to hear that Dave. My ex-fiance's daughter woke up this week to discover her husband died, he was so young! Heart attack. Her landlord placed an eviction notice on her door same morning so in the middle of this shock/grief, she had to find a place, pack up, move, while planning his funeral! Unbelievable.

Dave, It's hard to comprehend how so much can happen in one year's time. Mike touched your life forever. We can never regret committing to them, even though it resulted in pain from being torn apart, the enrichment of having known them far outweighs the pain. Here's to a good day as you contemplate your time together...

Anne, I'm sorry to hear of your dilemma with Champion. My son's dog, Skye, has lived with me off and on since he got him several years ago, he's almost half my dog, as much as I've had him. He has a neurological problem and his left front paw turns under sometimes and he seems to not know where it is and it drags on the ground. Consequently, we can only take him on short walks on the grass now and have to keep a constant eye on him. Usually when this happens it's a back paw and you can make a sort of walker for the dog. I've never seen one with a front paw that does this. Skye is aging at an accelerated rate, and we are thinking he is older than we'd thought he was (he was a rescue dog so we don't know his birth date). He is such a beautiful sweet Husky and it breaks my heart to see him aging and going through problems. Dogs are definitely members of our family. We feel about them as we would a child and we can develop very close bonds with them. It's no wonder that watching them go through this aging passage is extremely difficult for us. The best thing we can do is make them comfortable and give them the best quality of life we can. They have been there for us for years and now it's our turn to be there for them. My little Lucky girl (Whippet/Dalmatian) became incontinent the last two years of her life. She began losing her eyesight and hearing and having arthritis. The best I could do for her was to clean up after her, uncomplaining, and make her as comfortable as possible. When she began to wake up in the night in pain I decided it was time to have her put to sleep. She's always been a smiler, and the last couple of years she rarely smiled. I knew it was time. That is one of the hardest decisions we can make. I wish you years left with him and continued enjoyment with one another. http://www.kateconnick.com/library/cushingsdisease.html

Susan, Welcome to this site, I am sorry you lost your husband. Many of us find ourselves isolated without family or friends nearby and are left to deal with this on our own. How long has it been for you? It does help to come here, it helps to know there are other that understand and care. I'm glad you found a good grief counselor and that is helping.

Mary, glad you made it through it. For me, somewhere in the third year it started to get better. Am supposed to get snow tonight and next several days...not looking forward to it, I got my fill last year. After 34 years of living here, shoveling snow and hauling wood, I'm kind of burned out on it. It is beautiful but so much nicer to have someone to share it with. A knit hat from Germany is probably really nice, I know they have some of the nicest sweaters in the world. Is it wool? My daughter bought a couple of hand knit hats for me, a real necessity living here in the winter!

Harry, I bought that book at one point, I never did read it. I don't know that it does any good to look for meaning behind bad things happening, maybe it's just random, who knows. I don't think the question is why but what do we do with it, how do we survive it, what next? I will keep your student's baby in prayer. There aren't a lot of things one can say when encountering such a devastating situation. "I'm sorry. I'll pray for you." If you're close to them you can just be there, listen. Lend a hand without being asked. Provide support. Beyond that, I don't know. I try to think back to when George died, what helped me was my daughter sleeping with me so I didn't have to be alone. Her and my sister making a ton of phone calls. My daughter following me around the house with healthy food and water...even if all I had was a bite or a sip. The church sec. showing up at my house, asking me questions about music, etc. for the funeral, things I hadn't thought about, her gentle suggestions. My boss' wife making up flyers and distributing them around town. People showing up with food, sitting with me. I live way out in the country, this was out of their way, it took time out of their busy lives, and it meant so much. People showing up at his service. My own pastor went off on vacation like it was nothing, but a former pastor drove several hours to come conduct the service...free of charge. They brought me a giant teddy bear to sleep with because they said George was a big man with big shoes to fill. A close friend of our finished the ramp George had dismantled and was getting ready to rebuild. He did so with recycled materials so it didn't cost me anything. This same man unstopped my sink when it hopelessly plugged a few days later, to save me a plumbing bill I could ill afford. My sister drove me to town, 60 miles away, to get the ashes. My daughter got groceries for me, a 100 mile round trip, because she knew it was something George and I had always done together and she knew how hard it would be for me. My son came home on leave and drove 150 mile round trip to pick up George's welding equipment from his job...it was missing (stolen) when he got there, but he'd made the effort and that meant something to me. He also made the 120 mile round trip to pick up his camping trailer and bring it home. A co-worker sold George's car for me, detailing it, listing it, taking people out for test drives, and getting the best possible price. He also appraised everyone at work of what to expect (he'd lost a baby daughter years before) and how to best minister to me. These are the people that meant so much to me. The people I will never forget. There was also the lady from my church that split her time between her husband and mine in the hospital, as I was out of town when George had his heart attack. I will never forget her kindness to him. Three years later it was her husband's turn and I was able to be there for her.

Raz, I am sorry you also lost your husband, mine too had just turned 51 when he suddenly died. Everyone else's lives seems to move on but they are impacted differently by his death than you are...to you it affected every avenue of your life and being. You have found a good place here, I hope you will keep coming back. This is a place where you will be understood, we all go through this together. Kay

Rose, I am so sorry you are going through such a double whammy. Years ago I had two friends whose daughters suffered with this. I don't know to what extent your daughter's illness has progressed, if any of her system has begun shutting down, if she's lost hair, if she's passed out, but often when it reaches this point they are admitted to a hospital and like it or not, they are introduced to "help" and are often referred to a specialized treatment facility. It is not a matter of will, there is so much work that needs to done "inside" and it really does require professional help. Family often feels guilty and frustrated as they stand helplessly by, not knowing what to do. I hope you know this is not your fault, and my heart goes out to you as this is indeed a very difficult situation to find yourself in. I don't know how old your daughter is or if she is in school but if she is, could you talk to them, perhaps some intervention could be forced? Anorexics usually insist on dealing with it themselves, but we both know that is usually a losing proposition, for they need help with it, more than they realize or admit. They are so often perfectionists and are used to dealing with everything themselves, but sometimes they need to learn to rely on help, a very difficult lesson to drive home to them. As Mary suggested, getting help for yourself is a good place to start, so you don't feel so alone in this journey. You have much on your plate, any support you can get I'm sure would be most welcome. Please keep us posted how it is going!

Fred, I realize others must have their turn, I would not deny them that, I am beyond ecstatic for my son, I really am. It is just the stark contrast has hit home to me that my turn is gone...it is that sinking in, that realization that my life with it's hopes and dreams and LIVING is over. It's been 6 1/2 years for me and in that time I have tried, really tried, to live again, to build something, and yet here I still am, no further than I was before, maybe a little wiser, but alone and seemingly without purpose nonetheless. Maybe it's the losing my job and eventual losing of my home adding to the mix that is making it all hit home to me. Where others are starting out with all their hopes and dreams and promise of love...my life is quite on the opposite end. It is as Ecclesiastes says, there is a time to live and a time to die. God I know that sounds melancholy, and I don't mean it to be, but rather matter of factly, it just states what is. I have watched people get older, go to assisted living...where once they were part of a hustling bustling family, raising kids, working, planning their weekends, now they live alone in a little room, their possessions diminished to bare necessities, no longer participating in active sports and family meals, now with a walker or a cane, counting their hours by when they take their meds...it's sad, but it's part of existence. It's like the full cycle of life and death is eventually a part of it. We raise kids to be self sufficient and they leave home and ARE self sufficient, and we feel the loss. We give our all to our spouse and intertwine our lives, and when death comes for one of us, the other is left really feeling it. Yes as someone put it, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Well I've been "dealing with it" for 6 1/2 years now, I can't say as it's gotten any better, the only remedy for that would be George reincarnate, but we both know that's not happening...the coping gets better, in the beginning there is such raw pain we feel we can't bear it, but eventually it settles into a dull ache, and then finally we're just left with our changed lives, we rarely cry any more, but the change is forever and we continue to know and feel it. We've just had to live with it. We don't have a choice but to deal with it, no one asked us if we wanted to, there's no option, we still have to breathe, still have to get up in the morning, still have to go to work (if we have a job), still have to eat and clean and shop and mow the lawn. But sometimes we feel as if we're just going through the motions of life, like we're in a scripted play, and we're playing the part of a robot. We find something funny and there's no one to turn to and share it with. We feel an ache inside of us and there is no one to cuddle up with and hold us. We make something wonderful to eat and there's no one to enjoy it with us. That is what we are left dealing with, what we are left feeling, whether it's year one or year ten.

Mary, me too, I am here for you also. I'm glad we've gotten through the earlier days. And I don't envy any of you your snow! I haven't gotten over last year's shoveling yet! Kay

Fred, we had no idea George would die so young. He had just turned 51, we thought we had years together yet. The times we'd discussed death, I'd assumed he'd have a hard time without me, but I had always been the independent one, the strong one...I was ill prepared for the stunning slam that so altered my world. How presumptuous I'd been! This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I'm reduced to toast, same as he would have been, the fact is, we were so great together, and with either of us missing, it's just...wrong. The best and safest way to pray is "Thy will be done" but sometimes that comes with a price. We can console ourselves that in so praying, and in living the aftermath, at least they are spared the pain, emotional and physical, and it is us that endure it and not them. I would not wish this on my George for anything in the world. How fortunate he is to have escaped it! You shared your lifetime together. I envy you that, I only got to be married to George for 3 years, 8 months...it took me my lifetime to find him and then he was ripped away from me. But it's got to be harder in a way to lose someone you've spent your entire life with, and I don't envy you that. It's got to be hard to function when the other half of the equation is missing. One day at a time...

A lot to peruse, thank you, Mary!

Dwayne, Sending a prayer for you...check your email! (((hugs))) Kay

I almost feel like I'm intruding on holy ground here...I do know what you mean by a blur...those early days I remember the shock, feeling frantic, it's mostly feelings and emotions I remember...the summer passed by and I don't remember much of it...I remember the people that disappeared out of my life, the people that said "any time you need me" and then disappeared. I remember being left alone. I remember...missing him....beyond belief. I remember how hard every step I took was.