kayc

thinking of you and hoping for better days ahead. It's understandable you'd feel anger. some of our husbands made bad choices about their health that led to their death and we felt angry and deserted but I know if they could see what happened they'd have chosen differently. It took me a long time but I finally processed it all and accepted the whole of the man (George) and now can look back with reality and just love him with all my heart and accept all of him, and know that what we had was amazing and priceless. I wish I could have him back, I miss him, I always will but this is what I have now. I'm glad you have your son and he brings you happiness.

Susie and Mary expressed it so well. I guess that's why I like my dog so much, he puts life back into perspective for me and helps me to enjoy the present moment. Dogs don't live in the past or the future, they are right here, right now, and they don't know a care in the world. My dog doesn't realize I'm out of work, will lose my home, am missing my husband. He doesn't know I'm scared, stressed, worried. He doesn't realize my unemployment check didn't come and it'd been four weeks since I'd gotten groceries. All he knows is he has a toy and he's enjoying running with it and playing and teasing me with it. All he knows is cuddling up to me and it feels good. He's happy. It's hard not to smile when I see that big effervescent smile on his face! Kids are the same way. They go on about their lives, playing, having fun. They're neat to be around!

Hap, Mary took the words right out of my mouth. I am sorry for all of your friends, I guess death doesn't know a time out.

Kim, No you are not losing your mind, that is something we wondered about ourselves too, that's why it's been good to come here and know all we are going through is "normal" and to be expected as we see others going through the same thing. I said it's good you are seeing a therapist because they can help us waft through this...they can be that roadmap that helps us sort through it all. I saw a grief counselor when George died, alot of people here have gotten "help" with this, there's nothing to be ashamed of for reaching out for help, after all, this is the hardest thing in the world to go through. Cindy says you don't have a clue because to her, her grief looms the biggest...I suppose all of us feel that way sometimes, that our loss is the greatest, and to us, that is true. She seems to want/need to feel that what they had was greater than what you had...this isn't a competition, each of your experiences is real and hers in no way can diminish yours. Try not to let her pull your chain. Maybe it'd be better if you didn't have contact with her for a while. I think you're reaching out for understanding and feel she's the one person who'd understand your loss but she may not be the best person to look to for support. I think you're also reaching out to comfort her but she's not receiving it and she'll have to find her own way through her grief journey. Kim, she is jealous of you, she's insecure of her relationship with your loved one, and as such, she's not going to be a positive contact for you. Hang in there and surround yourself with positive support. Yes you're going to feel out of it around other happy couples right now. Even all these years later, when I see a couple very much in love, I feel a twinge of pain and longing for George...I don't feel jealous of them, I feel now is there time and I had mine, however all too short lived it was, but at least I had it, some never do.

Yes it is hard, and the only thing that seems to help is time. I used to hate hearing that because that was the one thing I had no control over. I wanted to speed up time so I could get on the other side of that excruciating PAIN, but there is no speeding it up and no way through it but to go straight through it. But it helped me tremendously to come here and know that I wasn't alone, here there were others that understood and I wasn't crazy, this was all "normal" and to be expected. for me, the first year truly was the worst, all of the "firsts without"...so I viewed the 1st year anv. of his death as a milestone of survival. There hasn't been a Christmas go by that my mind and heart haven't been on George, I reckon it'll always be that way.

Mary, I'm sorry to hear you lost your friend. You're right, there's no time out for death, it can strike any time. I had a neighbor whose husband died on Christmas Day, how hard that would be! It was bad enough to me that George died on Father's Day.

Yes what you are feeling is normal, and eventually it will settle down and you won't feels so many ups and downs. It's just that right now anything can trigger and put you right back where you were, and Kim, it hasn't been that long. Try not to expect too much of yourself, don't worry about what others think, it's you that's going through this, not them. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist, you might try a grief support group too, it all helps.

Kim, I have said and felt all you have...I don't think God created disease, but when the world got upset, it threw everything off, that's how it came, but I definitely went through my being mad at God stage...He's big enough to take it and safe enough to let us vent. You're right, we all have someone depending on us, loving us, that we can't leave before our time...for me, that is my dog, my sisters, and my kids...sometimes it seems no one cares but the reality is, there are people that would miss us. Eventually we get more used to this "new life" if you can call it that, but it's very hard to find new purpose. I have always been an avid pray-er, but that first year I found it extremely difficult, I think that's common.

Marge, You have not failed, there are just some things we have no control over. I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. Yes it is hard, the hardest thing in the world. We'll be here to walk through it with you if you want us to, we've all experienced our own unique experience of the same thing...loss. And we're all missing them right now. My heart goes out to you...

Kim, I know, I'm sorry, been there...you will get through it, one minute at a time...Christmas will turn into New Years and you'll make it past Valentine's, and one day you'll hit the one year mark, and after a time, you'll be as far out on your journey as I am...and you'll realize you're a survivor and you'll know you did it one day at a time, you'll have survived the unthinkable, just like us. It's hard, but we do get through it. Saying a special prayer for you tonight. I hope your family brings you comfort.

My heart is with each of you, and especially to those that it is so fresh still, wishing you peace and comfort.

This is my 7th Christmas without him...I'm enjoying the kids being up and memories...wishing he could be here to enjoy everything with us.

Kids and dogs, they do it for me...unfortunately, I haven't had children in my life for a very long time. I'm glad you're enjoying them!

Wishing you a good Christmas Nats!

Harry, Your words always eloquently express what is within your heart and soul! Someone once asked me, why, after all this time, do I still come back here (as if I have something wrong with me, something I am unable to let go of). It is not that I am hanging on to something, but rather there is a part of me that is forever affected by what was and by the loss that ensued. It is not a choice that we make to hang on or to let go, but rather it is the permanent alteration by having known them...and by the void left by them.

Mary, Very beautifully written. Those memories of "we"...so hard to think about, yet we wouldn't want them erased for anything. They were the best parts of our lives.

Ref, Yes that's a common reaction. Please try not to worry about that, it's much too soon for consideration, of course your grief is much too great. You have a lot to process right now, it's just enough getting through the day. Try to focus on taking good care of yourself and being extra patient and understanding of yourself.

Thank you, Marty! I'm taking all of mine in chronological order regardless of section, I have 137 pages saved now and am now starting the process of renaming them by YYMMDD so they'll be in order.

Becky, it seems the perfect time to wear your grinch shirt, I love that! I make my own cards, I have for over 25 years, sell them in the local art gallery and on eBay...I bought a rubber stamp that says "Bah Humbug!" I should have used it this year, maybe next year if/when I lose my home. Enough is enough! Not enough to lose my husband, my job, but now my home too? I want a grinch shirt!

Sandyl, Welcome, I am glad you found us here and posted and hope you will continue to come back. I'm sorry you lost your husband and hope you feel comfortable sharing here with us. I have a friend who is also widowed and her life is full and active, sometimes I think so she doesn't have to be alone and think. She doesn't believe one should show their feelings except alone/private. When my dad passed away, my mom did not shed a tear and came home and started throwing his things away. Us kids had a hard time with that, it seemed so unfeeling! she said God didn't want her to be sad for him, etc. and I think that's just hogwash. When Jesus heard his friend Lazarus died, it says he wept. The Bible also says to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep, so we know that the not being sad or crying idea comes from people, not from the Bible. We not only have a right to cry and mourn, but it seems unavoidable if you're a member of the human race and suffer a loss of this magnitude!

Marty, Nearly all of my oldest posts were in Loss of Spouse section so when I searched by my name by oldest, I got until 2009 but cannot capture 2009 and 2010. Anyone have any ideas why the formatting is different each time I select/copy/paste it? I've tried everything I know...

I think it's a great idea! I wish someone had thought of that way back when I lost George.

Thank you, Marty. It limits us to 1,000 posts so I was able to capture 7/10/05 through 1/13/09. If I do it in reverse I can get 3/10/11-12/20/11 but I can't get 2009 and 2010. If you have to make a choice, I'd say make sure you get the oldest out. Also, whenever I attempted a "select all", it'd freeze up Word. If I selected from the headings down through the bottom post I didn't have this problem. However, some of the pages seemed to paste in a table format, which is easier to read...others just went down in a column, which is harder to view. My recommendation...capture all of the pages however they come out and then go back and play with it at your leisure, at least you'll have them. I tried everything I could think of and couldn't seem to consistently get them all in table format. Anyone have any ideas?

I wish they'd display the quilt in an art event, I'd love to see it, just to stare at it and absorb it and take it all in. Something about this woman's actions really touched me. They were married such a short time, but you can tell how much she loved him and how hard it must be for her. I may try to contact her and invite her to this site.

I am sure she is proud of you and I hope the tree brings you some comfort as you remember years past...I know it is hard.