kayc

Dwayne, So glad to hear of your positive report, I know God is looking out for you and keeping your spirits up, you are an inspiration to us all! Kay

Dwayne, It's good to hear your good report, and I'm so glad you got to "see Pauline" when you were coming to, how priceless those moments are! I'm also glad to hear your accident is getting you down, I pray all goes well with the insurance adjusters and repairs. I forgot to ask you but I hope your van is drivable, I assume it was since you were only 20 min. late getting to your doctor, that in itself is amazing! Thank you for calling, it helps to hear a pleasant voice! Kay

Melina, For myself I think the first year was the worst. Some people are surprised to find that the second year was harder for them but I think that's because it takes longer for some to have reality set in and realize they aren't coming back, and some prolong the process by staying in denial. Some try to sleep or drink the time away, but their grief is still there when they wake up. So the timeline is individual for all of us. But for me, surviving all of the "firsts without" was quite a feat. I didn't know in the beginning that I could or would survive it and I know I sure didn't want to or feel like it. My grief was complicated by having a discovery of great magnitude shortly before George died that we had not fully worked through yet, and it was much more difficult to do so after he was gone and couldn't help me with it...it took me until about the third year sometime to fully process it and accept the whole of the man in reality and love him for who he was and accept his weaknesses along with all that was wonderful in him. All of this took great effort. I made the huge mistake of remarrying 1 1/2 years after he died...I had not fully grieved, was not in a position to make any such decision, and when I look back I realize I was frantically trying to rebuild my life and I was preyed upon and conned. HUGE mistake! Not that everyone who gets involved with someone is making a mistake. There are some that have happy endings but for me, I wasn't in a good state of readiness to be making such a decision, I was clearly in a fog with no clarity of mind. I wish I could take all that back, but there is no Control-Z in life. Ahh well, my life can serve as a warning to others if nothing else. I'm 58 and alone and most likely will live that way the rest of my life for I have no interest in dating, I've learned my lessons. There is no "George" out there. And I don't want to settle for less just to not be alone. You ask if you ever get used to being alone...yeah, somewhat, but not completely. I do okay some days, I'm pretty independent, I like making my own decisions and yet there are days I am lonely and feel overwhelming "in this alone". Being out of work is hard as I'm alone and have more time on my hands, although this broken elbow makes everything take three times as long so although I don't get much accomplished, time passes with the struggles of each day. When I feel like I can't take being home alone any longer, I take my dog for a ride to the park and out to Subway to split a sandwich. It gets me out of the house and seems to help. Or I call a neighbor down to beat me in Rummy. Or go visit my friend and just have a cup of coffee and visit. I come on line here, I stay in touch with my sisters. Any interaction helps. My kids also have their own lives. I never hear from my daughter, she doesn't even check up on me. My son is extremely busy and even though he's here a lot, he's not "here"...he shows up at night to eat and go to bed, leaves in the morning so if it wasn't for more cooking, dishes, laundry, and his dog to walk, I'd hardly know he's here. I'm glad you mentioned that you don't feel as frantic as you did at first, I think that's an important observation...we are progressing, it's just hard to see when we're in it.

Shelley, I am sorry you lost your beloved Chelsea. I know no words will ease the pain in your heart at missing your loyal friend. Just know our thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm glad you all treated her so well and she could get treated to a steak and wrapped in your baby blanket...

Congratulations on the grandbaby! My husband never knew about his grandson...long after he died. I like to think maybe he can see from where he's at though...

OMG Dwayne, are you totally okay? I'm so sorry! What a thing to happen, as if you haven't had enough. I'm glad you stood up to the guy and made him wait for the police, it'll help the ins. co. sort out things. I hope the fixing your vehicle goes smoothly. You're staying in my prayers!

I went through that with my mother-in-law...she was my best friend, the mom I'd always wanted, and we were very close. I took care of her when she was bedridden with cancer for nearly three years. When she passed away I felt such an emptiness, like I didn't know my purpose anymore, and life as I'd known it changed so drastically, even though I was glad she was no longer suffering, I miss her beyond belief as the permanence and reality set it.

Dwayne, I'm glad the surgery went well and you are recuperating now...I hope this does it and you are officially on the mend! How are you feeling today?

Becky, I'm so glad it went so well and I believe Randy was right there with you, I don't think he missed a thing. I'm glad his family was there too!

Gosh if this doesn't sound familiar! I have felt exactly the same way! I can only say it will get better for you with time, but dang if it doesn't take way too much time to heal. I'm sorry!

It's understandable that you're angry, it's one of the major stages of grief. Some are angry that their spouse didn't curb their weight or smoking or drinking or whatever eventually killed them. Whatever it is that they did, we are the ones left holding the bag and it seems unfair. It takes a lot of time to work through and process this grief, and it took me until about the third year, but I finally was able to accept "the whole of the man" and not just focus on the part (he'd revealed to me just three weeks before he died that he'd been using meth to work harder/faster at work...he discovered his fatal weekend that he had five blocked arteries and had sustained a major heart attack that had left it damaged, which is why he'd had lack of energy...the answer laid in addressing those issues instead of using drugs to work harder/faster). I know that he loved me more than anything in the world and would have done anything for me...he'd simply made a stupid decision. That decision potentially cost us the rest of our lives together. I say potentially because we don't know with 100% certainty what the outcome would have been had he chosen differently...any more than we know what your husband's outcome would have been if he'd chosen differently. Perhaps someone would have run a red light and struck & killed him anyway, we don't know. There's a lot we don't know, that's why I've given up asking questions and have finally accepted...what is, is. I can't change it. Gosh it took me a long time to reach that point though. Right now you have your anger to deal with. Know that it's okay to cry, scream, get a punching bag and gloves. Do whatever you have to do to let your anger out in a safe way. Writing helped me, write to your husband, tell him how you feel, get it out, it's okay. And vent here, that's what we're here for. You never know, you might be helping someone else know they aren't alone in THEIR feelings. In time you'll realize that although your baby may resemble his father and remind you of him, he is a unique person in his own right, separate and apart from his dad. He will grow up to make his own choices and I can tell you this, my son is the greatest blessing in my life...and he very much resembles his father in mannerisms and behavior, how his brain works, etc. (his dad and I divorced after 23 years of marriage)...but I see they have the same good qualities too and my son also has his own unique traits. If anything, seeing my son's mirrored image of his dad has helped me accept his dad "as is" and appreciate him for all of the good that is in him. I wish you the best in this "club that nobody asked to be a part of" and hope you will continue to post here. This is the best group in the world, I can't tell you how invaluable this support group is. Kay

I Lost Him, I am so sorry you are going through what we all have been. I want to say, it's been a year for me, and it's finally getting better. I can't say as I'm totally over him but for the most part the shock is over. I still don't trust though and am not sure I ever can again. I also want to let you know that none of this is your fault. Perhaps in a way it's not his fault either, but rather circumstances that converged to overwhelm him. This would have happened with or without your "silly little fight". Perhaps that was the catalyst by which he blew, but regardless, some other little minor thing would have come along and done the same thing even if that hadn't occurred. I've had to wonder if my X hadn't used his mom's death as a platform on which to break up with me. We were engaged for a year and he totally blindsided me. You did the right thing by "going dark" on him. It respects him by giving him his space, it gives him a chance to work through his issues, and it also gives him a chance to see if he misses you. It also protects you from constant "triggers" and aids your healing. And because you have no contact, you don't have to face continual rejection, which over time undermines your love for him. So this really is a protective thing. Jim and I had no contact for about 2 1/2 months, then we did for a couple of weeks, then nothing for a month, then he's contacted me on a regular basis since...but our relationship has changed, drastically. There is no love, emotion, nothing from him, just "casual friendship", he calls and talks to me on the phone, that's it. He's told me a couple of times he's thought about taking me here or there (like a date?) but he hasn't. He's alluded to having been sad or cried over us a couple of times but hasn't come right out and said so specifically. But for whatever reason, I wasn't what he wanted in his life and it occurred when he was taking care of his dying mother 24/7. You are not alone, this occurs way more than I ever realized! It almost seems like a common grief response, and like you, I clearly don't get it...although I have lost LOTS of people in my life (in chronological order)...my nephew, dad, mother-in-law, niece, husband, countless pets, and father-in-law. I never pushed anyone away in my grief. I know we're all different and don't have the same response, but still...I clearly don't get it. It is what it is though. You might want to start your own thread so people can respond to you directly, you can cut and paste this into a new thread or have a moderator move it and my response to a new one. That way we can walk through this with you. You are doing all of the right things, I'm proud of you, you are clearly level headed! I know it's hard...the temptation is strong to contact them but we have to do what is the right thing to do, not what we want to do. Good luck to you! Kay

Pam I'm sorry you lost your husband just three weeks ago tomorrow. I remember three weeks, I think I was still in shock/disbelief. The one thing that saved me was this site, so I want to welcome you to it. You're about to make some friends here, it helps to know there are others who understand what you're going through. Don't worry about bringing anyone down, right now this is about you and meeting your needs, so call friends if you feel the need and let them be there for you. They may not know what to say but they can listen. If they offer to help, let them, we can all use it and it channels their desire to help you in constructive ways (change oil, move refrigerator, etc.) Just remember, one day at a time, try not to worry about "the rest of your life", stick to today, it's enough to handle for now. Hugs Kay

Mary, I can relate...since I got laid off, I am home way too much...looking for work or checking email for my job (I still work one day a week) or doing their bank reports, icing my elbow, trying to take care of this place one armed is way slower. I find myself getting lonely and bored out of my mind. Yesterday I drove my dog to the park just to get out! Being sick you don't feel like doing things and don't have the stamina to go anywhere, it gets old very fast...I keep praying you'll improve soon!

Miri, It sounds like you are summing up what I've been trying to say to you. Letting go doesn't equate to letting him down, it's quite the opposite, it's respecting his wishes and it's also placing a higher value on yourself...as you need to. You can't let yourself get lost in all this. It actually protects your feelings by giving them the space they need. It IS his issues, not yours, that's why he needs to work on them himself and needs the time to do so. None of us can or should try to predict the future but it sure helps us if we accept today as it is.

Susavi, That is a very good way of looking at it. My he suffered a long time, but it's great that you had so many years together. I know that makes you miss him all the more now.

Oh but he did, for months. Our relationship has changed entirely. And I never got any explanations. I'm not sure if it's better or worse this way, I know that I'll never get over it, it's changed me completely. I seriously doubt that you did anything to cause this, it's him Miri, not you.

Miri, My heart goes out to you,it was July 23-26, 2010 that was the last time Jim ever came to my house...I never expected it would be the last time. Everything you write is as if I wrote it a few months ago, exact same thing, same way, same story. I too was blindsided, totally. I think that is some of the hardest part, the shock they put us into, not understanding any of it, it so caught me off guard, we'd been engaged for a year!! I, like you, had treated him so well, didn't deserve this, didn't expect it, it seemed totally out of character with who I knew him to be! He was always stable, dependable, there for everyone, so why is it I was the only one who got dumped?! I mean he was there for his friends, neighbors, daughters, mom, church...but me, I got thrown away. It is the hardest thing in the world to understand. Maybe there IS no understanding it! We have to accept that it's about them,not us, we weren't deficient in any way, it's something THEY can't handle, this is THEIR way of dealing with what they're going through. I've been through death, no death could have shocked or hurt more than my losing my sweet soulmate, my dearest friend, my husband, June 19, 2005. Yet I never threw anyone away because of it, no, I wanted and reached for others, so I don't get it, I really don't. And it wasn't like Jim's mom was the greatest mom in the world either, she was abusive, she could be mean, she had problems. But in the end, I got thrown overboard for her and NOONE needed to be cast aside, that's what I don't get. I wasn't even allowed to bring him a meal or give him a hug! I wasn't allowed to talk to him or see him. Others were...just not me. ???

Do you think he knew he was going to die before you moved in together then? I guess it's irrelevant because regardless, you would have wanted to be with him and you made the most out of what you had together. You are so right about people, the ones you'd think would be there aren't and vice versa. Go figure. No this is something parents and no one can protect us from. Fame, title, position, knowledge, money, nothing stays death in the end...it happens. I hadn't known that liver malfunction causes mood swings, I've known people who died of liver failure, that explains some things. I guess in the end it doesn't matter what they die from the results are the same, we're left without them and have to somehow make sense of what's left and try to function...a challenge all of it's own, isn't it. I felt like my time with George went so fast, it seems like a gyp sometimes, when other people get 20, 30, 40 years together. But each day was a gem, to be valued and treasured.

I caught it on the news last night but didn't hear the whole story, I'm glad you're okay. I don't understand it, do they know who is responsible and why they did it? It's a horrible thing! My heart goes out to all the people there.

Personally, I think when one breaks up with someone that the "things" should be settled immediately, like a nice clean break, it's the only considerate thing to do. When Jim broke up with me I packed up all of his stuff and took dropped it off with his roommate the very next morning. It's a very visible reality to them that what they've decided bears consequences, like a reminder that you really are through. It can hit them like a ton of bricks just like with us. No longer can they be wishy washy or ride the fence. I didn't have anything at Jim's house so he didn't have anything to return. I think a text would be a good way to request your things back. Maybe you could ask him to pack them up and let you know when you can get them. I wouldn't let it go as an excuse to see him again, in a month you may not WANT to see him again after what he's done to you, and anyway, that's kind of a form of manipulation. You don't want to see him unless he truly WANTS to, otherwise, it wouldn't work anyway.

Believe me when I say this is exactly what I experienced and it is the toughest thing in the world! My heart goes out to all of you here because I have experienced the same pain and bewilderment. I never learned any answers as to "why", only that I had to respect his wishes. In time he made contact with me again but our relationship is completely different and I had to back up and start over as a "friend" only, and a very casual one at that. He calls me most days now but we don't see each other or hang out, I do miss that but he's not the same person to me anymore. I have learned there is just me, alone, and I have to focus on that.

Mary, I hope the shot helps, you're doing the right things, please keep trying to rest it's what you need the most right now, we'll be here praying for you, dear lady.

It shows you're making progress! Three steps forward, two steps backward, is moving in a progressive fashion...

Becky, I hope you have a really good weekend and all goes well. Kay