kayc

I have heard it said that some people prolong their grief because it is their connection to him, but I'm sure it is an unconscious effort. I only know that some of the changes we experience are so subtle that we don't know them as it occurs...such as changing from present tense to past tense? When did that occur? I have no idea. When did I remove my wedding band? I only know it had nothing to do with wanting to, it was because it was cutting off my circulation and then I couldn't ever get it back on again (it's not eligible for resizing because it has both platinum and yellow gold). When did I stop looking toward the door to se him come in when I heard it move? When did I stop expecting to hear his voice (Hi, Hon!...) when I answered the phone? I don't know, I only know that little by little these changes occurred without notice or fanfare. I still cannot sleep in our bed. I do remember when I could no longer smell his smell on the sheets or his robe, and I cried. I remember when his messages disappeared on my cellphone, and I cried. I remember each and every holiday of that first year without him, how hard it was, how I wanted to fast forward through that whole year! It was unthinkable to me that I would survive this, let alone be here six years later to tell about it. Someday I will have to give up this place, and it will break my heart for this is where his ashes lay, this is the place he loved and called "our home in the clouds". Some of you have had to face that already, but I only know that they live on in our hearts and wherever I am, he is. I'm so thankful for this site and that we are all helping each other through this. When I first lost George, there were others about the same timeline as I, but not many on here that'd been through it and were down the road, I honestly didn't know if or how I'd get through this.

Earl, My heart goes out to you, for I know this loss is the hardest thing anyone can face. Everything you describe hits home to all of us, for it is what we have lived and experienced. It is like living without them we have continual unfinished business. Even after all this time, I still have things of his here and there throughout the house. I will never forget his voice, or his smell, or how it felt to lay my head on his chest. I will continually miss his spontaneity and the joy he brought into my life. I only wish I could have been married to my husband for 40 years, for he was my Soulmate, my best friend, and we had a truly amazing relationship with great communication and faith in each other. We were so in love! It took me my lifetime to find him and he passed away just 3 years 8 months to the day after we were married. I'd never dreamed we wouldn't grow old together! His death was an unexpected shock. It's been six years and although I've "adjusted" in that I know he's not coming home and I'm on my own now, the "missing him" part never stops. It hits esp. hard when things happen that you would have turned to them for, like when I lost my job and when I broke my right elbow. He would have taken such good care of me but instead I'm left trying to figure out how to get a jar open when I can't do it or what to do about the yard work when I'm unable to use the lawnmower or weedwhacker. And the worst part for me is the not being able to hold each other...well that, combined with the terrible aloneness. You can have people around and still feel alone. You are right, it IS as if we completed each other and together made a whole, and having just the half now, it's hard. Please keep coming back here, it helps to give voice to what is inside of you. I felt like all of my power was stripped of me when George died, after all, noone had asked ME if I wanted to lose him! So anything that restores any of that power, helps...and voicing myself is one of those things. This is a place that is almost sacred ground. These are some of the most special people in the world and the best site I've ever had the privilege of being on. You will find that we are a caring family and there is always room for another soul who is going through the same thing. I wish you well with this new journey. It feels like there could be nothing good come from this in the beginning, but eventually you will find that there are some silver linings, that there are so many lessons, so much to learn, it develops and expands you inside...still, there's not a one of us that wouldn't have them back in a heartbeat, for even five minutes, if only we could.

It was a huge huge shock, one I will never forget. It was the crappiest most lowdown weak-spined way in the world to break up with someone, to not even talk to me in person, let alone on the phone! And it made me feel he is really unworthy of me, but what I had the hardest time understanding (and still don't) is what the hell was all the crap he told me all year about he loved me and wanted to marry me and we were going to spend our lives together? Nothing makes sense, nothing goes together! How can you love someone one minute and not the next? How can you tell them these things and then just up and dump them? It's not like we were fighting or anything. I had objected to not being allowed to visit when he was taking care of his dying mother...I still don't feel it was right to allow his ex-wife to come over but not me, I was his fiance and had been for a full year! Hell, I wasn't even allowed to bring him a meal and meet him out front! No, it was wrong of him to not show regard to my place in his life, wrong of him to shut me out, wrong of him to break up with me. But I'm sure as hell glad he did! I don't WANT anyone that could treat me like that! I DO, however, disagree with how he went about it, I can't ever overlook that, that was just flat out wrong no matter how you cut it. I remember how hard it was for me to take my dog to the park and A & W because Jim and I used to do that together on Saturdays...or how hard it was to go to church by myself, and people kept asking how Jim was, where he was, etc. They all liked him and felt sorry for him about his mom and his situation but no one seemed to have a clue or care what I was going through. I even had one person on a forum say I was all wrong that I should just understand what he was going through and they'd do the same thing if their dying mother didn't want me over! I thought, Wow, there's other crappy people in the world! I wouldn't side with my crazy mother over my fiance, I'd stand up for him! Nope, it just goes to show he was all wrong for me, and it was good to know it before marrying him and THEN getting my heart broken. I've had enough of that. I always felt everyone else was lucky because at least their BFs broke up with them in person, but I guess it doesn't matter because none of you got any good explanations either, and the shock is the same regardless of how we're told. But still, to send the package to my office so I'd get it in the morning, knowing I'd be upset in front of all my coworkers, knowing I'd have to stay and work all day afterwards, well that was unforgivable. That is such a passive aggressive thing to do, and frankly, I just didn't deserve it! It makes me so glad I don't have someone that could hurt me. I look around and see other couples who treat each other well and are happy together and I'm glad for them, but it doesn't seem in the cards for me...I don't even feel jealous, I just feel bewildered as to why some men don't seem to have the ability to appreciate and recognize when they have something wonderful. It makes me WANT to grow old alone, it beats giving someone the chance to break my heart again!

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and hope your day goes well at work. Not all antidepressants numb you, some just take the edge off so you can cope. I used to be on one 12-9 years ago but they took it off the market. Think of it as something temporary to help you adjust. Usually when it's situational it's not needed forever.

Tom, Have you still not gotten your things back yet? This is ridiculous!

It's been exactly one year. I survived it and so will all of you. One year ago today I was at work and I received a Fed Ex pkg. about 9:37 am...I opened it up and he'd returned the cell phone he'd had on my plan along with a note that started "I'm sorry it didn't work out..." I'm like, "What?! What do you mean it didn't work out?" I was shocked! I didn't get to talk to him for over two months. It was one of the biggest shocks of my life, but I've survived it. I don't want any man now, I don't trust them as far as I can spit. I like Jim, still talk to him but that's as far as it goes.

(((hugs))) Kay

Cheryl, Glad to hear you're progressing...sometimes when we're in it we don't notice but it's there all the same.

I hope you do. One thing I've done is always gotten a very different dog that I didn't expect to be like the last one. I had a 120 lb Golden Retriever mix, Teddy, gentle but good guard dog, and Fluffy my 1/2 Amer. Esk., 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, sweet wonderful family dog, and then Lucky, 1/2 Whippet 1/2 Dalmatian...she was completely trained, scared of her own shadow, but so very obedient...not very interactive, she'd lay in a corner of the house, afraid to venture to other rooms, yet the most graceful creature I've ever seen, she could run 45 mph! Then I got Arlie...how would I describe Arlie! He's 90 lbs, extremely strong 1/2 Siberian Husky 1/2 Golden Retriever, a permanent Puppy, rambunctious, spirited, extremely interactive, clumsy, fun, loving, and I wouldn't trade him for anything! Sometimes I miss the obedience Lucky had and her beautiful grace, but my Arlie is such a wonderful companion and just what I need at this time in my life. They are all wonderful for their own qualities that make them them! Arlie pictured below...

If George saw how bad our house needed painted, he'd find a way to get back here and help me! Thinking of you Dave...

Thank you, all of you, and Teny, it's good to hear from you again, I hope you are well. I pray for you and for Greece. I am elated to learn I am where I should be in recovery and my pain is not unusual for this type of injury. Dwayne suggested I look on line for stretching and strengthening exercises, and my sister also suggested I contact a P.T. for one visit and ask if they'd give me a list of what to do as I'm out of work. I may try that. It is just good to know there's light at the end of the tunnel and I can start refocusing on my job search! I'm sure this is all an answer to prayer, and I thank you all for yours!

I'm glad to hear you're going to find a therapist, maybe it'll help you. I remember the very moment I detached from Jim, I had to for my own sanity, it was about four months after he broke up with me. He'd yanked me around emotionally (he probably hadn't meant to) and I just couldn't take it anymore, I had to not avail myself to him emotionally any more, and if it wasn't for that we couldn't be friends today. I had to accept our changed terms of relationship and it meant distancing myself. I won't say it never hurts, I think it left it's indelible marks on me, one reason I don't want a relationship again.

That's good, Tom, I am there too. I remember the very moment I decided to detach...

George and I ALWAYS sat together! Because of his job, we'd be the lat ones to arrive at our bible Study, and invariably there'd be single seats left so George would make everyone move over one so we could have two seats together. I remember one man complaining to him, "Can't you two be apart for two seconds?!" and George replied, "We have to be apart every day when we're at work, why would we want to be apart any more than that?" We were always the ones holding hands, we felt each other's hearts...

Oh trust me, I know what you're talking about..waking up to no water, going on line to learn how the Pump Tec works (I'm on a well) so I can get water back...it's things like that.But somehow six years later I'm still here...and going through my second job loss since he died. I found a job two weeks before my unemployment ran out before...am hoping and praying I will again, no matter how bad the situation is that the country is in. We've survived the unthinkable...still I won't ask what life can throw at us...I'm not that stupid!

IO appreciate all of your prayers. I saw the orthopedic surgeon today and he said I don't need surgery. They took more X-rays...he didn't say anything about them but after examining me and seeing where my pain is, he said my bones are calcifying and I am right where I should be time line) in both healing and pain. He referred me to physical therapy...I'm not sure I can go to it because it's expensive and with me not having regular work right now, every penny counts, but we'll see. He had me buy a "sleeve" so I graduated out of the sling, yay! I couldn't be more happy right now than with this news, now I feel the go ahead to build my strength back and keep looking for a job. \Anyone hear from Dwayne today?

Deb, I work in Spfd Oregon and at my job, the graphics designer is one of the last ones still working. At least you have a unique career. I think anything carried to an extreme becomes a weakness...the key is in finding balance.

That is a great idea! He lives on in your hearts and finding a way to keep him alive and with you will help you both.

A few days after my friend lost her husband, I caught my husband cheating on me...not just cheating but actually LIVING with the other woman in our trailer near his job! (he'd come home on weekends), this had been going on for three months and I was literally shell shocked. My GF later told me how offended her and her daughter were that I talked to her about what I was going through "at such a time". I felt that was what friends were for, I was there for her and I'd felt she'd be there for me, no matter what we were going through. I guess I was wrong. I felt what she was going through was important to her but what I was going through wasn't. (Her husband's death was expected and had been coming for a long time, so it wasn't the shock like I got.) But you may have something here. Still, needing your laptop for work may seem mundane to him in comparison but it's very relevant and necessary all the same! Can you do anything to make amends? Probably not, but only time will tell. My GF and I had a falling out a year later and didn't have anything to do with each other (many incidents) but eventually were able to rebuild our friendship although I don't think it's ever been 100% the same as before for either of us. Good luck!

Wed. it will be one year since I received his Fed Ex "break up". I don't feel the same as then. I still feel angry for what he did and how he did it but I don't let it rule me. I still like him, still think he's cute, know I could fall prey to him so guard my heart so carefully, I do not trust him and will not. He deliberately set out to win my trust and then look what he did with it. I do not see how he could so easily just throw me away and I meant nothing to him and neither did all of the time we spent together or the plans we'd made. You ask if your ex remembers...yes he remembers, yes he thinks about you...does he think he's missing out? No. No he doesn't or he'd be there. They don't feel as we do or they couldn't do what they did. We are different types of people...we value our relationships and cherish their preciousness...they don't, at least, not with us. To be dumped to suddenly, so drastically, that shows a clear and utter disregard and it also intimates that we were led to believe something they didn't really feel about us. That makes our relationship, our memories, everything...a sham. I choose not to pay a whole lot of regard to wasting my time crying over him. If he has any regrets, let him shed his tears, but as for me, I don't deserve to cry.

Cheryl, I'm glad you and your kids got in a nice vacation, I can't imagine seeing iguanas and turtle nests, how cool is that!

Carol offered good advice, it's hard but we have to accept what we can't change and do our best with what we can. Thank God they aren't fighting you for custody/visitation rights.

Actually there was a guy that got his license revoked so he rode his lawnmower, got in trouble for that too! I love Bachelorette but watch it alone. My daughter never comes around except for holidays. I can relate, right after George died my plumbing stopped solid, never had a problem in 28 years until he died. And he'd removed the ramp and rails so he could replace them, hadn't gotten that far yet. The snow blower was apart, never did get it working. The hot water tank quit, the dishwasher, the freezer, the list goes on and on. And I am not mechanical!

I would still talk to his mother...appeal to her as a mother, after all, you are the mother of his child, just as she is his mother! If they do have him cremated, ask her for a bit of his ashes for your child. Who could deny a child that?! I'm sorry, I know you have to feel very frustrated and hurting. You are grieving too and it seems no one is considering that. My heart goes out to you. Do you have family nearby that is supportive, or friends?

Miri, I agree with Tom...I hate seeing others going through what I know to be one of the worst pains there is, I've been there, felt exactly the same thing as what you're describing, exactly! I had the same questions, same confusion, same hurt. The very day that Jim broke up with me, I packed up everything he had at my place and dropped it off at his place (his roommate was there, not him). Anything he gave to me I didn't return, I didn't want to sound ungrateful or vindictive, I wasn't sure what to do with it so I stuck it in a chest, out of sight. You can put things where you won't see them and deal with them at a later date when you're more emotionally ready to handle it. When my husband passed away, at first I had a shrine in my bedroom, pictures everywhere, etc. then I took them down, then I put them up...do whatever feels most comfortable for you. It is different losing someone to breakup than death though because with death you are still loved, you aren't rejected, and memories of them, while they can cause you painful reminders of missing them, they can also comfort you with the knowledge of the love you shared. When you lose someone to breakup and you run across a reminder, it pains the heart as you are struck by "how could they do this to you?" I find it best to protect myself from further pain. It's natural to think of him and very hard going to places you feel you should be going to together. Christmas was really hard for me because in the past we were going to the Light Parade and church and everything together, and I had to spend my Christmas break alone whereas in the past he would be with me. The previous year we'd gotten our tree together and decorated...last year I was alone. But I did it, I had a neighbor bring me a tree (I didn't have a way to haul one) and I set it up and decorated it all by myself and enjoyed the music and decorations all by myself. It needn't be devastating, it's a huge adjustment and it doesn't feel the same, but I tell you, we are worth it all by ourselves, it's not a waste to do these things if we don't have someone to share them with, WE are reason enough to keep going and doing. It will get better with time, I promise you, but you alone are the one to determine how long it will take to get over him...it takes concerted effort on our part to shut out the emotional stirrings and force ourselves to begin healing. Good luck, we're rooting for you! Kay