kayc

It's definitely complicated, Wow, that is a lot to deal with! It's odd the attachments one has with an ex. When my fiance, Jim, and I were together, his mom took a turn for the worse and he started staying with her 24/7 to take care of her. His mom never wanted to meet me even though we were engaged for a year. I was not allowed over there, but his ex-wife was. I found that completely unacceptable, I wanted to be there for him and I understood he didn't have time for me, but come on, surely he could have let me bring him a meal (he missed some because he couldn't get away and his daughter flaked out on bringing him food)! Surely he could have let me spend an hour a week with him...he had two grown daughters who could have spelled him. But no, I was shut out completely and then he shocked me by breaking up with me via Fed Ex at my office! No explanation, just "sorry it didn't work out". ??? He'd told me once that if his ex was dying in the hospital, he would want to be there for her, I understand that, they were a family, they raised kids together, they were married 30 years...but still, he divorced her, she'd cheated on him, they were never close, could never carry on a meaningful conversation, and had nothing in common except for their children. I might add, in the 30 years they were married, his mom didn't like her. Go figure, any of it! Anyway, I hope you can have the patience to see this through, I think it'll be very rough for you meanwhile, but if you can hang in there, your husband just may feel deep love and gratitude for your patience and supportiveness...one can only hope.

It is quite understandable that you are glad they didn't make it...to be quite honest, "affairages" (relationships/marriages that started from affairs that broke up another relationship) don't have very good statistics of making it so they were pretty doomed to start with. The thing she should have realized but was so young she probably didn't, is that if someone isn't trustworthy with someone else, they won't be with you either. She clearly didn't know what she wanted, maybe just enjoyed the attentions coming her way, and that's a lesson to him...hopefully someday he can take that lesson with him that it's important to appreciate and stand by the stuff and not flake out on those who are most loyal to us.

Marty, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thank you for sharing your blog with us, your Beringer was adorable, and I know he's going to be waiting to greet you when that time comes. Maybe George will toss him a ball between now and then. As I told my cat, King George, when his time came..."You're going to a place where there's lots of bacon and chopped liver". I truly believe these wonderful souls will be in paradise, for if any deserve that, they do. I send my comfort to you, I wish I could ease the pain in your heart. Love, Kay

It sounds like it was a very profitable auction and all for a worthy cause! I'm glad it went so well and you can know you did your part.

Thank you for starting this thread, it is a wonderful one! The quote I remember, I do not know where it originated from but I read it here long ago, something to the effect of: The degree of pain we feel is in relationship to the degree of love we shared. It is a tribute to them and what they meant to us. Somehow that made me more able to endure the pain...

Cosmicpixie, It is the feelings of betrayal, the feelings of being lied to, that seem to be the hardest to deal with. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation...ten years is a very long time so your feelings are very understandable. I know he was foggy in his grief and slid into this relationship with the other girl, but the fact is, your relationship had a very weak spot...his lack of boundaries. He should have had adequate boundaries in place that guarded your relationship so this wouldn't happen. But he didn't. In my opinion, and please forgive me because I know you love him still, but in my opinion, he is undeserving of your love and devotion, for his should have equaled yours, he should have had deep appreciation for your being a solid rock to him. You are likely right in that his relationship with this other girl will be lacking...for one thing, it began as something illicit...she did not have the right to take up with him knowing he was committed to someone else...just as he did not have the right to break his vows to you. It will cause them problems in the future, but that is their's to deal with. For you, your goal would be to get over him, to move on with your life, to put the pieces back together and create something wonderful of your life...right now that seems easier said than done, 3 1/2 weeks isn't very long although it probably seems like a lifetime already, it will take you much more time to get over him, but you will. Let your sense of indignation at what he did to you surface long enough to fuel your determination to create something positive for yourself through this experience. Between now and the time you can reach that goal...please come here...vent, cry, get angry, heal, all of it, for all is needed. You may want to copy and paste your story into your own thread, one where we can come and respond to you...or better yet, have a moderator move it to a new thread all your own, that and my response, so we don't hijack this one, okay? Good luck to you, and lots of (((hugs)))!

G, It is perfectly fine for you to post here or in loss of spouse section, whichever you feel more comfortable with. Loss of spouse section might get more hits and would warrant response from those who have the experience in life to respond to you, so you might want a moderator to move this to that section, but it's entirely up to you. I am sorry for all of the turmoil you find yourself in...and for what your wife is going through. You said so much, and I'd like to attempt to adequately address it, because each and every thing is important and deserves good response. As you ascertained, your wife undoubtedly has guilt for how your relationship started and for having left her husband...never mind that she had valid reasons for her feeling as she did when she made those decisions. Death is an odd thing...people often turn the late person, be it a husband, a parent, a friend, or even an ex...into a saint. The trouble with that is, as you well know, you can't compete with a saint...personally, I wouldn't even try to. That DOESN'T mean you give up on your relationship, but rather you allow her all of her feelings and continue to be the person she wanted and needed and loved so long ago. This is going to take concerted effort and patience and understanding on your part, are you up to the task? The fact that she has been a good stepmom to your children and a good mom to your four year old gives plenty of good reason for making every effort to make your marriage the best it can be...that and all of the years you have invested in the relationship to date. I'm sure you're already figured out that having a retribution affair does not solve anything, but rather throws more kinks into the equation and makes it all the more difficult to progress in your relationship. It'd be good to reassure her of your love for her and her value to you...renew your commitment to her in a way that she can understand it. Right now her brain is probably all fogged up...it gets that way while grieving. She may have divorced him years ago, but she is grieving the husband (however fatherly he may have been) she left all those years ago. In each person resides good, strength, and weaknesses. It is the good and the strength she is remembering and grieving right now...it is the weaknesses she focused on when she left him. One might think if one has an ex that you could just skip the whole grieving thing, but that's not how it works...it has to be processed in order to be dealt with and there's no way around it, no way to circumvent it but to go straight through it...shoving it or burying it doesn't work. She may need a grief counselor to help her work through it. I can assure you that the way exists for her to get through this and your marriage to not only remain intact but for the two of you to grow closer through this experience. What she is experiencing is often referred to as "complicated grief" and can be more difficult to work through. Please don't be daunted by this but present yourself up to the task of being supportive of her. She is not responsible for her feelings and likely doesn't know how to deal with them...a grief counselor can help her through this, I highly recommend her getting one as soon as possible. You may also want to seek counseling to help guide you through the seemingly murky waters of being a supportive mate in a complicated situation. Please don't give up, this can be gotten through. All of your feelings are every bit as valid as your wife's. It's understandable...we all want to be loved as if we are the only one that exists...some people have that, but the fact is, most of us have a past, a past life with others, exes, etc. and memories and triggers to deal with. The important thing to remember is not to let those memories and triggers and another life and another time rob us from what we currently have and can appreciate in our PRESENT LIFE. Would it be possible for her to come to this site and post her story and enlist help? There's a lot of people here with experience dealing with grief. Right now probably isn't the time to bring up her disappointments to you, but there's a time and a place for everything. Perhaps try to focus on one thing at a time and stay in the here and now rather than letting things build up one on top of another until it's too much for her or you to deal with. Try to stick to the issue at hand and get through that and when it's the right time, the other things can be dealt with. JMHO Blending families is always a challenge even under the best of circumstances. She undoubtedly cares for your older children very much and would like to BE their mom. It's easy to have insecurity in that situation. The focus should be on the children and what is good for them, not whose children they are or what credit is due the parent/s. Ahh, that is a lesson that can take a while to learn. It helps for EACH parent/stepparent to view themselves in a supportive role to the children...not one of ownership. They ARE separate entities, separate and apart from their parents, and that will be more prevalent as they develop and mature. Please feel free to come back here any time, it is good to express your feelings for you need to be heard and your feelings need to be recognized as valid and legitimate concerns. My best to you...

I'm sorry for your pain. I can't relate to losing parents in the same way as my dad was alcoholic and has been gone nearly 30 years and my mom is very mentally ill and cruel so I've never had a normal relationship with a parent. I have, however, lost my dear sweet husband and I know that loss so well...it is never ending and anything can trigger that feeling you describe and often at the most unexpected moments. All we can do is acknowledge the loss and hold on to the good in the memory and work through our pain. I wish we never had to be without our loved ones, it's the greatest void we can experience.

It sounds very intense but good. Art in itself can be wonderful therapy, I got a therapist for my daughter once that specialized in art therapy (my daughter loves art). It can be a very good way to express ourselves and be in touch with ourselves and combined with psychology, very effective. Good luck to you!

Miri, You are going through the same thing the rest of us did and you have to consider that you haven't been at it as long...for me it's been over a year and my response is not the same now as it was ten months ago or a year ago. It hurts like the dickens and the only cure is time, something which we can't rush. Try to be patient and understanding of yourself and know that you are right where you should be in your grief journey...yes, I say grief journey, for you are grieving too, not just him. Their responses, to break off contact with the person most supportive and loving of them makes no sense to any of us, and yet it seems to be a common grief response. I wish I could explain it but I can't. It is the one thing I wanted so I could accept it, but never got...an explanation as to how/why they could do this to us. I never got that. But I did, after a few months, get contact with him again, and at first it was very painful because I had to accept our new relationship was changed, different, and instead of loving me and calling me his cutie pie, I was more like an acquaintance, just someone he talked on the phone with now and then. It was when I realized that, that I had to close my heart off to the hope of ever being back together again, for my own good, because it wasn't happening and I had to accept reality and protect myself. It's very hard to do and it was that night that I shed buckets of tears... but not again.

L, You will find who you are eventually, probably whether you seek to or not. The man who is trying to bury his grief...it will be right there waiting for him when he comes to. My neighbor did that...she had a huge love relationship with her husband and when he suddenly died, she moved in with someone else TWO WEEKS LATER! I knew she was trying to avoid grief and for a time she seemed to. Her home sat empty with all of their belongings in it just like the day he died. She'd come up and get her mail and mow the lawn and check her answering machine, that's pretty much it. Then a few years later new man died. Suddenly she had to face not one death, but TWO! She had to clean out both homes, and all of the emotion double-whammied her. She sold both places and got a new place and today she lives alone and she's doing fairly well. I'm sure she misses them both, but to think you can avoid grief...no, it doesn't work like that.

I am sorry that you lost that too. Maybe someday you would consider training monkeys for people who need them? It could be a very needed and rewarding thing.

Di, I have always had the feeling that George is aware of what is going on, and I still write letters to him, it helps me whether he can read them or not. I am not trying to sway you to believing in life after death, but please consider that there is a whole lot we don't know and keep your mind open for the possibility. Life changes form and doesn't stay the same, a person doesn't have to have any religious belief or affiliation to hold this view. and whether you can ascribe to that notion or not, you do know one thing that is for sure, he lives on in your heart and your memory keeps him alive. Tell him things anyway, you never know...

I think it's a wonderful idea...George didn't have FB because it was over six years ago but a lot of people use it to go to after someone has died so I think memorializing rather than deleting or closing is a good idea.

Melina, I have to agree with Di's advice and Dwayne's prayer, and everyone else's words of comfort and encouragement. Is there a local official that could look into it for you? Not being from the same country, I don't know how things work there, but here we have representative's that can look into things and point us in the right direction.

George's closet rod broke shortly after his death so I took it as a sign to bundle up his clothes and donate them and did, but I kept out his fishing vest, favorite vest, robe, hat, etc. to go visit and hold them. I still have his robe hanging on the closet door, it brings me comfort. I took relish in getting rid of his work clothes (he was a welding fabricator, very hard work) because I felt it greatly contributed to his death...those things I destroyed, it felt good to do so. I still have his pocketknife and trinket holder sitting there, where he used to throw his little things into. I still have pictures up. We need to do what feels comfortable to us and not try to force changes before we're ready, it's OUR life, not everyone else's so they can't dictate to us when to do things or how.

Meg, How sweet of that lady to offer her daughter's grave to visit and talk to her daddy! How sad that her little friend has passed away too, so much for one so young to deal with. Maybe she could have a picture of him up somewhere that she could go to and talk to and tell about her day, her hopes and fears, maybe to set a rose in front of on his birthday and death day. I think you said he's Muslim, I don't know if the two of you celebrate Christmas or not so this might not work for you, but I have George's stocking up every year and put notes in it, telling him what I miss about him, etc, the kids are free to put something in if they want to as well (my kids are grown and he was their stepfather but they loved him tremendously). We find innovative ways to keep their memory alive and deal with it...

Well for those of you finding yourself with foggy brain, try not to be scared of it, it's something a lot of older people face so it can be lived with and adapted to, it's just we're facing it a little younger than we would have been. It helps to write things down, and it helps to laugh about it. I've had a hard time concentrating on reading, I can't read books anymore and I used to be an avid reader...I have noticed it helps to try and force ourselves to read just a little more, even if we find ourselves reading the same words over and over until we give up. It's the concentration that's hard. I can concentrate at work so that's good, and maybe it's because I've forced myself. And if in doubt about whether you've fed the dogs or eaten...do it again, better safe than sorry! It really helps to have a routine. My mom has dementia real bad and she has to write everything down. She doesn't have trouble remembering if she took her pills because they're in a container for every day of the week, but she sometimes forgets if she's eaten so I tell her to eat again if she doesn't feel full (she's only 80 lbs, she can handle it!). We've told her to write down on her calendar when her kids call or visit so she'll know she's not forgotten because she tends to forget and then think no one cares about her. She makes notes of when things are going to happen, like a doctor appt or one of us taking her out to eat and she posts it on her door so if she forgets what's coming up she can refer to it. Me, I live by my Google Calendar and reminders! Otherwise I wouldn't know what was happening that day/week! I have lists for everything, even my weekly chores and cross them off. I thank God I'm organized, it's a lifesaver for people with bad memories! Also, engage in brain stretchers, play games that cause you to think or reach a little higher, it helps ward off further damage and can even improve brain function. So does eating right, getting sleep, etc.

Brian, Hey, that's MY motto! (Life sucks and then you die). All joking aside, it does have sucky parts but there's some good parts thrown in there too, although the really great part is gone (with our spouse). To all of you, You're right to not look so far ahead that you get overwhelmed, I learned early on to try not to think about "the rest of my life", it was too much. But now I can think of it and not feel overwhelmed or scared, I guess I'm used to being alone now, I don't always like it but sometimes I do, but still, I'd trade everything to have George back with me.

Do you still have her monkey, Dwayne?

Nope, no interview, I've only had a couple of those in the last 2 1/2 months...but this is a job that would be very good and the listing closes today, I'm hoping to be considered but I've never been considered for a gov't job, so who knows...

Well if you give him a piece of your heart, I hope it's the worst part! =) A guy who would cheat on someone else with you would cheat on you with someone else, so they're no loss. I'm glad both of you feel you wouldn't take them back and please don't feel guilty for dating, do you think they would? H_ll no! Trust me when I say you WILL get over them, all except the lessons learned and next time we'll all be alert for those red flags and trust our inner instincts!

Chrissie, thank you for making me smile! I needed it! This hasn't been a great week...my dog ate my mattress (literally) then drug his quilt out of the doghouse and proceeded to pull all of the stuffing out, then got into the catlitter box and drug poop out onto the carpet that matches it perfectly for color so I didn't notice until too late...way too late...today he's giving me a run for my money and I'm exhausted! There must be something about women backing up trailers...I haven't even tried, I know better! But I am good at handling money and am a hard worker so I'm proud of myself for what I have accomplished even though I know there's a lot of things I can't do or shouldn't attempt! I could always gut a fish but am allergic so that skill is useless to me now. Some of the things I still can't do is move the refrigerator, chop wood, cut down a Xmas tree, or fix my car, but I can usually get someone else to take pity on me or hire it done. Still you can't hire someone to give you a hug or remember your special days, and did I ever find out how helpless and alone I was when I broke my right elbow! Still, I survived it and it's been 7 1/2 weeks now. It's amazing what we can survive!

I'm sorry you lost your beloved family member. wow, he had so much to deal with, poor kitty! You let him know while he was alive how much he meant to you and he knew it...they just know. When they're put to sleep, they don't know they're going to die, they just feel sleepy, which must be a welcome thing for them when they don't feel good. My heart and prayers go with you.

Uh-huh. I figure it's permanent. It's been six years for me and I still can't read a book and have a hard time concentrating/focusing. I think it did permanent damage from the shock...that's my take on it anyway.