kayc

Believe me when I say this is exactly what I experienced and it is the toughest thing in the world! My heart goes out to all of you here because I have experienced the same pain and bewilderment. I never learned any answers as to "why", only that I had to respect his wishes. In time he made contact with me again but our relationship is completely different and I had to back up and start over as a "friend" only, and a very casual one at that. He calls me most days now but we don't see each other or hang out, I do miss that but he's not the same person to me anymore. I have learned there is just me, alone, and I have to focus on that.

Mary, I hope the shot helps, you're doing the right things, please keep trying to rest it's what you need the most right now, we'll be here praying for you, dear lady.

It shows you're making progress! Three steps forward, two steps backward, is moving in a progressive fashion...

Becky, I hope you have a really good weekend and all goes well. Kay

I am so sorry you lost your partner. When did this happen? Do you care to share some of your story with us? You are here with others who're going through the same thing and can understand your feelings. (((hugs))) Kay

Poor Chelsea! I hope they can do something for her. (((hugs)))

Oh Mary, I'm sorry to hear it's Pneumonia, that is so hard to go through (I've had it). Maybe you could take your phone off the sleep while you nap. Or put the ringer on silent. I didn't sleep the last couple of nights and tried to nap today...got woke up, of course. It's times like this that we really miss our spouse. I will be praying for your strength to return and your medicine to work.

You have been through so much...when you are caretaker and then you lose the person, it greatly increases what you go through as you suddenly lose your purpose as you knew it...it's no wonder you're having a hard time of it, just loss in itself is more than enough. I'm sorry you are having to live with your mother...I know I could not, I'd have to off myself for sure. I hope and pray that the place you found works out and that you'll be able to focus enough to keep it. Are you working or retired? Keep coming here, it really helps to express yourself to others that are going through similar things.

I echo what Tom said. This is exactly what happened to me and it's been almost a year now. I cried every day/night for months and couldn't sleep, even had to go to the doctor to get sleeping pills because I have a long commute and was worried I'd fall asleep at the wheel. Mostly I only used them on weekends though so I could catch up on sleep without being too tired the next day. After this long I have adjusted to being alone and have accepted that he doesn't want "us". I no longer consider him marriage material and we have backed way up and are mostly just phone pals. It was hard to do at first because we'd been engaged and spent all our free time together. Getting used to the change in routine was hard. Seeing all the places we used to go together was hard. Mostly it just hurt cuz it was such a huge shock and I couldn't make sense of it. But sense or not, I had to accept it. I hate to say it, but I no longer consider him good enough for me. Someone who is good enough doesn't dump you with no explanation, loss or no loss...JMHO. Hugs to you... Kay

Marc, One year. And I bet you couldn't imagine surviving it, yet you did somehow. All of the "firsts without". At least you know you won't have those to go through again. It is those "anniversaries" that are so hard...the days that mark their birthday, anniversary, death day...and as we know, all the days in between. But you are officially a survivor, like the rest of us here. That may not seem like much to you but it's taken much bravery just to go on, to face each day, and we've all done it. My thoughts and prayers are with you today. Kay

Dwayne, Let us know how it goes today. You're in my prayers for Monday. Kay

Harry, One of the things I learned in my grief journey was that you cannot circumvent grief...there is no way but straight through it. Sometimes our busyness can prolong grief because we're using activity as avoidance...but when all is said and done it is still there waiting for us and we have to deal with it eventually. Keeping busy is good...but it's also good to take time for ourselves and just breathe...cry, voice our feelings audibly or with pen or art. And it's okay to talk to them...no one will think we're nuts, and if they do, who cares? Wishing you well today. "Dark Night of the Soul"...I could write a book about that. Such a hard thing to go through, and yet the blessings and lessons are many...really, not a thing to fear, but none of us view it with anticipation. Such a deep thing.

Deb, You asked if we get over it. We do in the sense that we adjust eventually to our new life...that doesn't equate with liking it. We don't in the sense that we are changed by our experience. I've had six major relationships: 2 broken engagements (at their instigation) 2 husbands left me for other women and were abusive 1 husband may/may not have loved me but didn't show it 1 husband adored me but died With each one it has made indelible marks on me...I've changed because of these experiences. I will never let a man physically harm me after my experience with my first husband. I won't share titles/debts with someone after my last husband. I will listen to my gut instincts and trust them after my last experience. I have learned to appreciate and never take for granted because of my relationship with George. I do not trust men as far as I can spit because of my last broken engagement and the ones preceding it. Are these changes good? Yes, I needed to learn to be more cautious and learn I don't need anyone in my life. But they're kind of sad lessons to have to learn too. My life lessons as a result of George are positive ones, although death in itself breaks your heart too, you just don't have anyone to blame it on like in a divorce.

Mary, How are you feeling now? Are you over the flu? (forgive me if I missed an update) Kay

Gotcha! He could never lure me back in, I know him too well. But I'm amazed, I DON'T have mixed feelings. Margaret called me a few times and I know she genuinely loved him. Of course I don't agree what either of them did to me but that's a separate issue. The fact is, I wouldn't wish on ANYONE what I know grief to be.

Tammy, Thank you for sharing that with us, I love the quilt. I hope you're doing okay today... Kay

Some of you have been around here long enough to know that my (now ex) husband, John, left me for a woman, Margaret, 16 years younger than me, back in 2008. He just called...she passed away 05/24/2011. When he tried to tell me about it, he couldn't even talk, I knew he was all choked up. As you recall, this man cheated on me and took me for over $50,000...she was his affair partner. I feel no glee in knowing she died, only sad, for him...for her. I know they loved each other and although he didn't always treat her well, I know he cared about her...obviously more than he ever had for me. You'd think I'd feel gloating or something, but I don't, I feel sorry for him, in spite of what they did to me. Death is death, and it's hard to deal with no matter who you are or what you deserve...I don't wish bad on anyone, and this is just a hard thing. I told him I wouldn't say any stupid trite things that people say, that I'm just sorry and here if he wants to talk.

Harry, You mention that your wife is annoyed with you right now...maybe not, maybe she's empathetic...after all, this is something she never had to face and doesn't know how she'd fare if she was in your place. Personally, I think it's harder on the ones left, even though the ones that passed on did so through a wall of great pain. You are right...one day at a time...or one minute, or whatever you can handle at the time. My heart goes out to you. Kay

Tammy, I'm thinking of you today...I think the memorial you wrote sounds like a great idea.

Becky, I don't hear from George's brothers and sisters and his dad only called once, to badmouth him a year after he died (he didn't bother to attend his funeral). He was second oldest of 11 kids and only one preceded him in death and all but one live close enough to drive to the service, yet only three attended. Amazing. George was there for any and all of them whenever he could be. I didn't know there was a word for people like that.

Mary, I don't think "should"s should apply to grieving...each person's journey is unique to them and we can't expect someone to be at a certain point at a given time. We can speak from our experience but need to recognize that we all vary. I think it's good that we all recognize this even while others don't get it.

Cheryl, I'm so glad you're able to be there for your friend, she needs you right now. Just let her cry and tell you her feelings. Try to refrain from telling her what a louse he is...she knows it but she's going through an adjustment right now and she'll be feeling love, hate, confusion, liberation, and everything inbetween. I've lost a wonderful husband to death and a louse who left and stuck me too. There's a few similarities (your heart hurts and you're on your own now) but it ends there...everything else is different. George never would have left me, I was everything to him and he'd have given the shirt off his back to a stranger. John dumped me for a younger woman and never looked back or cared what devastation he left me in. It makes you wonder why God takes the good ones instead of the bad ones. And where is Karma, anyway?! Like I said, I'm so glad your friend has you. When I was getting over John, I had ups and downs, understandably, but people would chew me out for loving him, like it stops immediately just cuz they deserve it, it doesn't work that way, it really does take some time. But gradually you get over them and finally you reach the point where you're glad they're out of your life. You're right, she deserves better, and better is sometimes just being alone and having a peaceful home...I pray she can begin to see the good in being alone, even though she'll feel up and down for a while.

Tom, I know it's hurt so much, and I think your letting go of her (at least for now) is best for you but I care about you and hope you'll update us from time to time on how you're doing. I pray blessings follow you in your life, you're one terrific young man and you deserve so much better than you've gotten! Kay

I strongly strongly strongly encourage you to go to marriagebuilders.com and post to the infidelity section...even though as far as you know it is not an infidelity situation, it is a place where there is the most traffic and the seasoned veterans will see your thread and post to it...their advice will be immeasurable and will give you the greatest chance for saving your marriage. I hate to say it, but it reads like a script, you are not alone and your situation is not unique, unfortunately. Everything you write is stuff I have heard before, hundreds, maybe thousands of times (her responses). Please copy and paste what you've written here into a thread there, I'm not kidding, they can really help you. I'd try but they have dealt with this so much more, their direct responses would really help you. There is a lady there that goes by MelodyLane and she is very experienced in helping people, she's been there for years, has thousands of posts, and she has saved her own marriage (several years later now). Please keep us updated and I wish you the very best!

You had the best of intentions when you went to help him out and you couldn't possibly have known he'd react like he did. This is perhaps even more puzzling to me because I've lived grief so much...I lost my nephew, my niece, my dad, my mother-in-law, my husband, my father-in-law...I know what grief is. I have never pushed anyone away in my grief, in fact, quite the opposite, I've had friends disappear when I needed them in my darkest hour. So this is all a puzzlement to me. But I do know that we don't all respond the same to a situation, and perhaps there are some people that just can't handle an intimate relationship while grieving. Perhaps they're putting a wall up so they don't get hurt (from loss) again, or perhaps they're so busy with their grief that they just don't have it in them to put anything into a relationship, even a positive wonderful one that has been intact for a long time. Perhaps...anything. It's all surmising on our part, we don't know what's going through their heads because they don't tell us. The one thing I do know is when they've asked for space, when they do NOT WANT TO BE AROUND US we have to respect their wishes and grant them that. That is perhaps the biggest gift we can give them. It's not about us, right now, it's about them. However, we have to survive and the best way to do that is to not continually expose ourselves to their rejection. If you don't call, you don't have to be hit with their not picking up the phone. If you don't write, you don't have to know they won't respond. And they won't. If they wanted to be with us, they would, it's as pure and simple as that. And they don't. Maybe it'll change, maybe it won't, but it wreaks havoc on us to hope for them to change, to hope for them to want us. They haven't given us any glimmer of hope so we should take none. Protect yourself. Keep busy. Focus on YOU! Don't take me wrong, this doesn't mean you have to totally give up on them...perhaps somewhere down the road your friendship will resume. Perhaps you will be able to rebuild a relationship out of the ashes that are left from today...but don't presume to count on that. Focus on career, friends, family, activities and interests. I know that's hard because a broken heart leaves you depressed and immobilizes you. It's hard to think of anything else. But you have to force yourself. If you have to, go to a doctor and see if you need any help with depression or sleep. This is a very difficult time for you so be very kind and understanding of yourself. Above all, do not question everything you've ever said or done in the past with your ex because you are not responsible in the least for what has happened. It is something with THEM, not with us. And Faith was so right when she said that every time you contact him, you are prolonging resumption of even friendship. You are not respecting his desires and that does not make him want or miss you, it has the opposite affect. I would go a step further and venture to say that you are writing a death warrant on your relationship with each attempted contact. He knows you care about him, but it's having an opposite affect on him for some reason, perhaps making him feel smothered or pressured or guilty. Leave him alone and give him a chance to miss you and make contact. And be prepared, it could be a few months or even a year or more...or never. Please focus on yourself and let him handle his grief the way he seems to need to.