JeanneC

Korina: Definitely the guilt is part of the griefing. I still relive the last week of Alex's life and if he knew he was dying. I know that a few weeks before the last week he told a nurse that he was at peace with whatever god wanted and that he just did not want to know when it was coming. He always talked to me about how he would not live a long life. He felt that was his fate. I can take comfort in some of this. We did get to hold hands and look at each other the last day. He could not talk because he had a trak in his throat, but I am thankful that he was coherent and his mind was still with us. When you start to replay and visualize the last days of your husband's life, you must just shake it off and start to think of better times. I have learned that when I start to think, I feel that my griefing is starting all over again. I have also learned in the past year that the greifing process has its lows and high. There are weeks that go by and I am absolutely fine and then like a ton of bricks, something triggers it and it starts all over again. But I know that it won't last that long. This is a long process for all of us. And as I always said on this site, that things will never be the same again. But there is nothing you can do about that. You just have to move forward in your life. I definitely do not want to forget Alex, but also, I trully feel that I do not want to go on griefing forever. That is what your husband would have wanted. At least that is what my husband wanted for me. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Shyman: So sorry to hear about your loss. I know this is terrible for you, but there are some wonderful people on this site. We all know what you are going through. Hang in there, take one day at a time and take care of yourself. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Fredzgirl: I know how you feel about giving away your husband's belongings. It took me a year before I was able to give Alex's belongings away. I donated his belongings to St. Mary's. It was very hard. As I was putting each piece of clothing in the large bags I cried. I did keep some pieces as they remind me of different events in our lives. Like the shirt he wore when we first met. Yes, I do remember it. I was giving some other things of Alex's away, when I came across his violin. When he was young and in school he played the violin. I was so excited to see it. It was in it's case with the bow, but the strings needed to be fixed. The day I found it, I got a call from my sister-in-law and I told her and she asked me if she could have it. She was going to put it in her music room with her piano. I guess she caught me off guard, and I said yes, but now I really would like to keep it. My other sister-in-law, said that her sister was insensitive in asking me for something from Alex. She said it was Alex's and we were married and I should keep it if I wanted to. I guess I will figure this out and eventually have to tell her I would rather keep the violin. I just don't want to hurt her feelings. Boo - You made me laugh about the mustard. Aex always did all the grocery shopping. When he was admitted into the hospital, I would go home at night and try to make supper for myself. I needed onions. I found one onion in the fridge in a bag. I just could not use that onion. Till this day, I still have that onion in the fridge. Now it is 1 1/2 years since Alex was in the hospital. I thought that after he passed I would use it. It is amazing that it has not rotted or smell. You all must thing I am a terrible housekeeper, but I just cannot at this time, throw it out. There are things we do now that we never thought we would do, like keeping shirts that have their smell, mustard stains or an old onion. I know I will get rid of that onion, but not right now. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Walt It is good to hear from you. We don't hear from a lot of the old timers anymore. There are quite a few newcomers. I am happy that you had such a nice dream and it made remembering Jean in a happy way. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Dear Wendy: My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Fay: I am so sorry for your loss. I am happy that you have found us. The people here are just a wonderful group. I lost my husband 13 months ago of a heart attach. But it was a sudden one. He was in the hospital for 5 months. I also went through the guilt and like Boo said as time goes on it does dissipate. You stop thinking of the what ifs. Remember that we are all here for you to listen and to help in any way. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Jo: I am so sorry that you have received bad news. Maybe you should get some other opinions. I definitely would do that. Don't be despaired. I know that is the only thing you can think of. You have to do some homework and find if there are other alternatives for you. Also, what a terrible way to tell someone that kind of news. I will be thinking an praying for you. Love Jeanne

Talia: Tabitha is just beautiful. What a head of hair. Enjoy every moment with her. I am sure your husband is looking down and pleasing both of you. Love and God Bless to you and Tabitha Jeanne

Dear Jo: Don't give up hope. You must be positive at this time in your life. Remember that your husband would not want you to give up. We have all lost our spouses and others and you have another thing to worry about. Make sure that you take care of yourself. The only person right now that you should worry about is yourself. Everything else will work out. And remember, that you have wonderful people here that care about you. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Talia: I am sorry that I am a little late in responding. Congratulations on your new baby girl. How exciting for you. I hope she brings you many years of love and joy. Love, Jeanne

Larry'sGirl I do hope in time you feel different about life. Life is living and dying. Enjoy the time you have here, because it goes so fast. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Hi Everyone: I want to thank all of you for your lovely words. It means so much to me that we all care for each other. I am also happy that I can help anyone in their time of need. Sometimes I don't have much to say, but I come here every day and read all the posts and they all give me inspiration. I do want to say that it seems kind of weird that right after the first anniversary a weight has been lifted from me and I feel that I have been reborn. Maybe Alex is giving me the strength and a sign to start moving forward. I hope that we all some day can look back at our loved ones with only good memories. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Mary Linda: What a nice poem with a lot of meaning. Not the kind of poem that makes you cry, but the kind that gives you hope that one day we will all be together. I am now fighting with that belief. I guess nobody can give you that guarantee. My husband always felt that we will be together. That makes me happy that he is happy right now. I always was afraid of dying, but after Alex passed I do not have that fear anymore in the hope that we will be together. Thank you for the poem, it made me feel much better about things. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Hi Laurie: So sorry for your loss. Right now everything is so unbearable. Just take one day at a time and don't think too far ahead. Make sure you take the advice of Mary Linda and Boo. Eat, sleep get dressed. Take care of yourself. We all know what you are going through. For some it has been a long journey and for some it has just happened. I do know for me it has gotten easier. I just posted that yesterday was the one year anniversary for my loss of my husband Alex. I hope you don't stop posting. Just remember we are all here for you. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Well the one year anniversary finally came. It actually has been a year since I lost Alex. I remember when I posted here for the first time last July. I was in such a state. I thought that I would never get through a day. It seems to have gone by so fast, but yet so much has happened to me in the past year. I thought of Alex yesterday with very happy memories. I did not think of him being sick or in the hospital. Whenever I think or have visions of him laying in the hospital I seem to go backwards in my grieving. I received many calls from my friends and family and we laughed about different things Alex used to do. As I said in my other posts - I have accomplished so much in taking care of my home and rennovating it. I do notice as time goes on it does get better. I do miss him terribly though and that will never change. When I think of Alex, which is all the time. I have a smile on my face, just like he just told me something funny. I would never have gotten through this past year if it had not been for all of you that have helped me. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Definitely a sad day. You never know when it is time. Life is just so precious. Enjoy it to the fullest. My prayers go out to Farrah and Michael's families. Love, Jeanne

Hi Mike: I always wondered how you are doing. I know that today is your one year anniversary without Janet. I also know because it will be one year on Sunday for me without Alex. I cannot believe that it is a year already and I am happy that your are healing and that you are moving on with a new relationship. I too feel that the pain is not as strong as it was last year. Last year I thought I could not go on. But now, I feel that I do want to go on. Everyone here has helped me through this, but I still feel like I need to come here often. It is the first place I visit on the computer in the morning when I come to work. That's how much it means to me. Mike, I wish you a lot of happiness in your life. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Hi Teny I am so glad to hear that you are moving on. You seem so much happier. It's nice that you have sun and it is warm. Here in New York it has rained the whole month of June. I know you miss Yiany and that's how it should be. It will never change. You made me laugh about being the mother-in-law and cannot speak. Enjoy your new granddaughter and the summer. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Happy Birthday Kim and have a great day. Jeanne

Boo: I am happy that you feel hope. It makes me happy when one of us are progressing and moving on. If you need to know about anything that needs to be done with your house, just ask. I might be able to help. If you need a contractor, go on-line and there is a service called Service Magic and they find you contractors for all different projects in your home. They have reviews on them. I found a contractor for my bathroom, landscaper, waterproofing and I am still using them. Hope you are doing well. Love Jeanne

Dear Urchin I am happy that you found us, but I wish it could have been under different circumstances. I know it is very hard right now. But is is just the beginning. Next week it will be a year anniversary on the death of my Alex. He also died of a heart attach. But he didn't die suddenly. It took 5 months. I came here about a month after he died and it was so hard for me to even read all the posts. I just cried and cried. I was in the same position as you are in. The house was a mess (in the middle of rennovation). No family. Have two cats. And like you, thank god. Just such a comfort. Believe me that I am still grieving, but it is so much more bearable. It will take you time. As far as the house goes. Don't worry. Right now you need to take care of yourself first. Then as time goes on you will know when to deal with the house. I took one step at a time and I accomplished so much in the past year that I have to say that Alex would be so proud of me. And I am not finished. But right now the year anniversary is coming up and I am dealing with some remembrance of last year. It will pass and then I will deal with another year without him. But that will also pass. So you see from the other posts that you have real true friends here that want to help. Believe me I never thought that I would have come so far from last year. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Hapy Birthday Kathy Jeanne

Dear Patti: I look at the picture of Charlie and I often think how he must have been such a happy guy. He is smiling so nicely. He still is smiling so nicely think of you on this day. Think of all those happy memories you and Charlie had. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Lucia: I am sorry you had to deal with that. It's hard enough to be going through what you are going through and to actually be in the same room. I am friendly with some nurses at the hospital that Alex was in, but there is no way I could ever go back there to vist them. Love, Jeanne

Kay: I am wishing George a Happy Birthday and hope you have a wonderful day with thoughts of past birthday celebrations. Alex would have been 55 this year also on March 26th. Love and God Bless, Jeanne