JeanneC

Boo: Have a safe and happy trip. Jeanne

Paula: That is a great attitude that you have. I am happy to hear that you can smile again. Tom would be happy also to know that you feel this way. Love, Jeanne

Thank you all for the advice. I do have my sisters-in-law who live in New Mexico and Texas and they have been wonderful to me. They consider me their sister. I also have my best friend who lives in Florda who I have know for 40 years. So I guess I will decide on let them know. I know when I brought up this subject that there are so many of you that have these issues with dealing with next of kin and beneficiaries. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

At my place of business our Human Resources department has implemented a new system where your personal demographic information can be changed on-line instead of putting in forms. I have yet to change my beneficiary on my 401(k). But there is a category - Emergency Contact Change. It still shows Alex with my home phone and that he is my spouse. I just started to cry at work. Just seeing his name and personal information in my records made me get very upset. But what is also upsetting is that I don't know who to put down in case of emergency. The only ones that I would put are out of state. I have friends but they don't live in Brooklyn. They live within an hour from me. I don't know if I should put down my neighbors. I would not want that burden on them. Most of my family I rarely speak to except once in a couple of months. I know this is a personal thing, but if anyone could suggest anything that would be so helpful. Boy, the things that you figure you have to take care of. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Hi Kay: Happy birthday. I hope that you have many happy ones in the future. You have always been such a constant poster on line, that I miss when we don't hear from you. I know what you mean about eating a bowl of cereal alone. I eat all of my meals alone, except maybe once a week I go out to dinner with a friend. Hope that you are feeling better. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Laurie: Not that exact experience, but I remember when I have lost certain items and maybe a few hours later they would appear out of nowhere. I know that Alex is helping me in any way he can. I think my cats see him. You know how animals can see things that we don't. There have been a few times that I felt someone touching my shoulder while I was laying in bed. I think he wanted me to get up. This wasn't a dream. In fact I thought it was one of my cats that jumped on my shoulder. I think that is great that you and you son had that experience. When you know that they are still with us, it makes you feel that they are safe and well and in no more pain and that everything will be alright. Love, Jeanne

Hi Boo: I am happy that you are OK. That is so nice about Cliff's friends. Alex's friends are there for me when I need them. You are so nice, that even during the burglery, you had time to write something nice for someone else. Love, Jeanne

Susie: I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your husband. It is only six weeks and that is like it just happened. There is absolutely no time frame for when we will feel well again. My husband died June 28, 2008 of a heart attack. He was hospitalized on Jan. 28, 2008 and was in the hospital for 5 months. Those 5 months were very agonizing. I took off for 7 weeks from work and was there all day with my husband and when I went back to work I would leave early every day and go to the hosptial. I never knew in what condition my husband would be in when I arrived at the hospital. So many ups and downs. He finally died of sepsis shock. When the heart is so weak it does not have enough strength to pump blood through all your organs and they start to fail and that is what causes the sepsis. Also, all of the infections that he got. So, I am not only grieving his death but reliving his time in the hospital. You need to take one day at a time. Try to keep busy. See friend and family if you can. I don't know if things will get better for you. The grieving does lessen, but for me my life has changed forever. It will never be the same again. I thought my husband would last long than 54 years. Each person deals with their loss differently. I have read posts here of people that are still grieving and seeing counselors after 10 years. Don't forget that there are some wonderful people here and we all want to help. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Kimi: You never know when these bouts of grief are going to hit you. 1 year and 3 months for me. Boy, I notice that we all seem to know how long our loved ones are gone. My best friend from Florida who has lived in NY her whole life came for a visit to stay with me for a week. We had a wonderful time together and I kind of forgot about what has happened in the past few years. I don't think anybody really means to purposely upset us, but sometimes things are said that just trigger something. I am trying to get my house in order (rennovating) and it is coming along slowly. But with working and the cost of rennovating and also the grieving that I am still dealing with, these things take time. My friend would say, this needs to be done and that needs to be taken care of. Like I don't know this. She also complained constantly about the traffic and condition in NY. Also, people forget that everything you do now is done alone. Yes, you might have your children and parents, but basically you are alone and that is hard when you have been with someone for a number of years. Some on this site have been with their spouses half of their life. So, Kimi, grieving is a long process and it might never end. We just deal with it better as time goes on. Love and God Bless Jeanne

Dear jrm: What a terrible tragedy. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Korina: I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please don't forget to post here. We are all here to help you through this terrible time. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Hi Boo: I have to say that you are a real inspiration to me. All the things that you are involved in and all of your wonderful posts. It is great to see that you have a such a wonderful outlook on life and how you have come through this whole ordeal. You always have something positive to say and that is what we all need at this time in our lives. I have found that by coming to this post, and meeting people like you, and also many others on this post, that life has some meaning again. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Hi Boo: Your eulogy to Cliff was just beautiful. You two must have had a wonderful life together. You are very special. Thank you for sharing. Love, Jeanne

Hi Joanna and Boo I also have many of Alex's possessions. All of his clothing I donated to St. Marys. But I kept the shirt he wore when we first met. Some other pieces of clothing that meant a lot to him that he wore all the time. I still have a paper napkin that he used the day before he went into the hospital. It has sort of a fingerprint on it. He was eating chocolate (his favorite food) and it must have been on his fingers and you can see where he wiped his fingers on the napkin. Seems bazarre to some people, but it means a lot to me. Boo - remember the mustard smear in you fridge? Well I still have the last onion that he never got to use. It has been in my fridge for a 1 1/2. Did not go bad or smell. So, Joanna just like Boo said, you do not need medication. If this is what keeps you go, so be it. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Hi Valley: What a shame, married for 50 years. I don't know if Alex and I would have been married that long even if he was healthy. We got married later in our life. It is practically your whole life with someone. Some friends of mine thought that it would have been better if Alex had died instantly. I know that he struggled physically, but mostly mentally by being in the hospital for 5 months, but for me, thinking back now, I am so grateful for the time we spent together. I was always afraid that he would spend the rest of his life in a nursing home. But right now, I would take that over what I am going through now. TO EVERYONE: On another topic, but about Patrick Swayze. I don't know if anyone watches Dancing with the Stars. I love that show. The new season starts next week. And on the results show, 9/23, the dancers are going to pay tribute to Patrick. I guess they will do the songs and dances from Dirty Dancing (a movie I thoroughly enjoyed). Maybe from Ghost too. I am going to a U2 concert that night with a friend of mine from Florida who is spending the week with me, so I guess I will try to tape it. If you get a chance, watch it and let me know how it was. Jeanne

Hi Chai: I was also so sad this morning hearing about Patrick Swayze. So young. Everyone lately seems to be dying young. Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst fast moving cancers. I cried this morning thinking about him and how I loved his movies. How everyone wanted to learn to dance after Dirty Dancing. When you mentioned that your father loved "Ghost", I thought about my dad (who died 4 years ago). He saw the movie before I did and told me that I had to see the movie that it was such a good movie, but sad. For my father to like Ghost was something. Hugs from me to you Chai. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Valley: When I read your post, I cried. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man, husband and father. You have two children that love you and seem to be close to you. You husband told you and your children that he loved you all. That is very important. My husband and I never went to sleep without telling each other: " I love you". When I would leave for work, on the phone or whenever. It is nice to remember that you had good memories about him. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Hi Mary Linda: I come here every day and read all the posts. Sometimes I write something, but there are other times I just don't know what to say anymore. I know what you are going through and I wish I could come there and give you a hug. You sister-in-law should try and understand what you are going through. And also to mention your husband and how upset he would be. That should really make you feel good, thinking that your husband is upset. Sometimes it is better not to say anything to anyone. I have three sisters-in-law and they all are very close to me. One of the sisters, even though she is very nice, she made the death of my husband, her brother, all about her. Every time we would talk it was how upset and depressed she was and never to think or ask on how I feel. I do under Mary Linda on what you are going through. We all love you Mary Linda. Take care, Jeanne

Hi Lostlov I am so happy that you got to do "Boot Camp. I am sure that will release a lot of anxiety. Good luck and hope you make it for a month. Jeanne

Hi everyone: I can't imagine ever getting over this. I might not cry every day or burst out in tears every time I talk to anyone, but when I am alone and just thinking or laying in bed, I do dwell on this whole horrible nightmare that happened to me. I can only speak for myself, but I am sure none of you would disagree that this has been the worst thing that happened to you. All I know is that I expected Alex to be around for more than 54 years. He was the kind of man that was always visible, verbal, always out talking and helping people in the neighborhood. All of a sudden he is gone. I am left all alone in an unfinished (getting it done slowly) house. Not only do people realize that you have to deal with the everyday business at hand. Like making a living, taking care of your kids or if you have elderly parents, paying bills, fixing things in your house and taking care of yourself, while you a grieving. A very close friend of mine is married with a 17 year old son. Her husband is on disability and gets quite a nice sum of money a month. Everytime we get on the subject of health care and Obama trying to get a bill in effect, she is outraged on how terrible this will be for all Americans, especially people on Medicare (which her husband is on). Now don't get me wrong. If this turns out to affect people on Medicare and their benefits being cut, it will hurt. But she makes comments like: "Aren't you concerned about this" and "How can you not read about this". She even knows the bills by their number. I just told her "Listen, I get up at 5:00 am and get home from work at 7:00pm and I don't have time to read all about this." "I am just trying to survive everyday without my husband." I know we all have to move on and not dwell on our own problems, but right now I truly have more important things to deal with. In time, I probably will have a better idea and be more involved with the issues of our country. I made a comment to this same friend about another friend of mine who lost her husband 16 yrs ago. This person still has not put her house in the order the way she would like since her husband passed. This other friend of mine thought that 16 years is long enough to grieve. We just don't know how long is long. Maybe her not fixing her house for 16 yrs is a different part of the grieving process that she can't get past. This is how our lives are right now and we did not ask to be in this situation. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Hi Notcoping: I am sorry that things are not good for you right now. Is there any reason you could think of that his family and friends have deserted you? I think most people just don't want to deal with grieving people. It's too much of a burden for them. Or I find that they make you feel that you should grieve forever. They act like they care, but then they give you that sympathy act and say things like: "Oh things will get better and "You never know you might meet someone" As if meeting someone will make everything go away. I am starting to notice that in my present job, which I happen to love and they have been wonderful to me during Alex's illness, that I am treated not like an outcast, but in a different class. There are a few that have recently got engaged, married, and had children. Now, Alex and I have never had any kids, but I sure know something about being engaged and being married. I was for 20 years. And in my heart I am still married and still wear my rings. They will ask me what I have planned for the weekend and say things like: "I know it is difficult being alone" and so on and so on. I am sorry that this his happening to you and you are left out. You should just forget about all the people that bring you down and think about yourself and start making yourself happy. I have started to do that. I don't act anymore like I am a poor sole and have nobody. If someone asks me how I am doing. I say I am doing great. Even though deep down I know that I am not doing great, but if I keep telling myself I am, things might change for the better. Hang in there and know that we are here for you. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Hi Fredzgirl: There is always some little thing that triggers despair. Some item you found of theirs or a song you hear or whatever. But your loss is at its early stages not that mine is very far gone. Seven week is a very short time since you lost your husband. There are going to be many things that you come across that will hit you like a ton of bricks. I remember talking about this in another post. I remember Boo saying that she could come to clean a mustard smear in her fridge and I could not through out an old onion still in the fridge I did dream of Alex only once and it was very real. Do you ever have a fantasy. I have one that sometimes I think that maybe I am the one that wound up getting seriously sick and I am now in another demention and I will wake up from a coma in a hospital and find Alex right there waiting for me. Just like I was for him. I wish that with all my heart. We might never get over this. My mom is dead 30 years. About a week ago I found one of her favorite pens. Maybe I got more emotional because now Alex is gone, but it got me very upset. Maybe if you relax and not think about anything, you will dream of him. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

Hi: I still have Alex's ashes in the container that they came in. I have to find something that is appropriate. The locket sounds really nice. I have a heart shaped locket with a diamond cross on the front that was given to me when I made my first communion by my god father. But I do have intentions of sending some of Alex's ashes into space. I have contacted the only organization that does this. Celestel (spelling). My husband always said that this is what he wanted done with his ashes. It is something that you have to take time and think about. They only take a small vile of ashes. There are different levels of space travel. You can have the ashes orbit space and then into space and then deep space. It is a business and the price might not be right for everyone. The only problem is that you never know when the next space flight is and where. It usually is a year from the time you sign a contract. You can back out of the contract a month before. The organization said that there are times when the flights are prosponed or cancelled due to bad weather. So, this is something that I would have to think about because with my job I can't just make arrangements and then change them and then make more arrangements. Also, my sister-in-laws would like to attend and I hear it is a lovely ceremony. This is a commitment that I have to be sure about before I embark on it, but it is something that I really want to do. Jeanne

Thank you Mary Linda. That was beautiful. Jeanne

Dear Kim: I know how you feel today. I also know how much pain you are in. You are right, Dan is not in any pain anymore and he is watching over you and your children and hoping that you will all be allright. I send you many hugs today and prayers. Love and God Bless, Jeanne