STARKISS

Hi All, Today is so emotional for me, it was one year ago I decided to find help with everything I am going through... I can not believe it has been a year but for me it is going to take more time but I will continue till I feel more alive again.. Shelley

Hi Carol Anne, Thanks for all your kindness and for sharing the wonderful peom with me... It is because of people like you that I am still here on the earth and will continue to be here as long as there are people that are supportive and understanding.. I am truly feeling better but each day is a struggle and with faith I manage to move along... Shelley

Hi All, On January 20th of this year it would have been my parent's 55th Wedding Anniversary... I just can not believe it has been five years since I have seen them... I miss you mom and dad... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MOM AND DAD... LOVE SHELLEY

Hi All, Yes I am still here, I had a very rough Christmas and many, many times I thought of ending it but managed somehow to make it through... My therapist sat me down last week and told me that I had to promise her that if things got really bad that I would call her right away and she would get help for me... A matter of fact she would not let me leave her office until I did because she knew things were really bad for me... I told her that she would be the first one I called and that I would not do it... She asked me a whole bunch of questions about my feelings and the way I was thinking and she wrote alot of things down... I still have the thought but I will keep my promise.. Shelley

Hi, I just wanted to add that I have been seeing a counsellor and I too have extreme problems with this... My therapist is working with me so that i can love myself again... We are doing mirror work right now and what it is is that I am too look into the mirror and say these words out loud... I LIKE MYSELF BECAUSE ...... she told me to say this first because I could not say the word love and still can not.... SO NOW YOU MIGHT THINK IT IS SILLY BUT YOU WILL BE SURPRISED HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN NOT SAY THIS TO THEMSELVES... the first time i said it infront of the therapist holding a hand mirror and looking in it, it took several minutes and she had to keep encouraging me to look into the mirror... she finally said if you can not do it for you than do it for your mom and I did say it but it took along time... the next week it still took along time and so she told me to look into the mirror and repeat after her and than i had to do it all by myself and it was so hard to do.. .. She told me it would get better so that is my wish for you that it will get better in time for us all....shelley

Hi All, I am so glad to think the way of it being a sin because if I did not believe this I would all ready be gone... I just do not feel like I really have anything else to live for... My family does not understand me and I have no close friends anymore... When my parents died I died somewhat inside too... And with Christmas coming fast it will be very difficult for me to do anything but cry or be so emotional I just do not want it anymore... Shelley

Hi All, Just thought I would check in again and let you know I am still here and I am still breathing... I am finding really hard to deal with the fact that Christmas is coming so very fast.. Christmas was my mom's favorite part of the year and so seeing everything and all the families together except for mine I feel so alone and orphaned this part of the year... I also lost my favorite grandmother on Christmas day too so again I am really not looking forward to this Christmas... I am so tired of putting on a fake happy face and trying to be happy so people who do not understand won't ask... Shelley

Hi All, I am just checking in... It has been really difficult for me right now, I have had so much on my plate and have been really ill too... I am so heart broken especially at this time of year... I went to see my dog finally and found out my brother is ill with problems in his throat, my other brother is not coping at all with the deaths of my parents and my other brother is very depressed and is going through a tough divorce... My sister is doing okay but is so disrespectful toward me that now I just feel tons of stress on me... I am trying to keep the family together but the harder I try the worst it gets... I have had troubles myself with suicidal thought again and have been seeing my therapist more because of the fear that I might actually go through with it... I just get so overwhelmed about how the family is doing and I know my mom would be so heart broken to see what is going on... Shelley

Hi All, I just feel like my brother-law's family is trying to make me one of them and trying to make me forget who I am... They make me feel like I should forget my background and my parents too... I feel like they are a enormous whale and I am this little fish trying to stay alive... I know they are just trying to include me in their family things but I am a Starkey and always will be and I am proud of my background and I do not want to forget where I came from... My mom was my best friend and even though my dad and I had our problems he is still my dad...Shelley

Hi Jay, Yes it does help, and I think that I have been trying to avoid anymore of my grief because it hurts so very much... It has been five years since I lost my parents and I am still suffering... This past Thanksgiving Day I wish I was dead so that I could celebrate the holiday with my mom... I was so depressed and I spent the weekend all alone because I did not want to celebrate it with anyone else... Shelley

Hi Marty, I think that my therapist's are worried about me keeping so busy that I do not have time to grieve my parents anymore... They fear that when I stop being so busy that I am going to be depressed again and I will feel suicidal again... I do keep busy so that I do not have to think of my past and I think that my therapists are worried that I want to forget everything so I do not have to deal with it anymore...They fear that I am going to make myself burn out too... Shelley

Hi All, I am keeping very busy now, I have two therapists and they want me to slow down... They think that the only reason for me keeping very busy is so that I have no time to grief or to think of the people I lost... They think that I am trying to avoid my emotions so that I will not cry anymore... I think that I like the busyness of my week and that in some way I guess they are right... I do try to keep myself busy so that I have less time to think about my mom and dad, I figure if I am busy all the time I won't cry anymore and I do not have to face the fact that I am grieving still after five years... But I guess I do have to slow down but I am just so scared that I might start to cry and will not be able to stop... Shelley

Hi All, Thank you all for your replies, it really means alot to me... I am going to be okay this weekend, I have been thinking alot about my mom and the good Thanksgiving Days we have had together... I have chosen to have pizza for Thanksgiving instead of turkey, I just feel so mixed up inside but I know my mom would want me to still enjoy this day... Shelley

Hi All, Well here I am all alone and really missing my mom right now, I have a scrapbook of all the Thanksgiving day dinners we had as a family... I even have pictures of our last Thanksgiving in my parent's house... The first Thanksgiving Day without my parents we had in their house before it was sold... I lived with my parents for forty years and it was a fitting tribute to their memory... I only wish we could have done more special days in their memory instead of falling apart from one and other like we have done... shelley

Hi Ron B, Thanks for caring,I am extremely busy right now with the new job and I help with a beaver group, brownie group and a guide group, my therapist say I am doing too much and need to find more time for me but I find when I am on my own time I have a very difficult time dealing with my grief and family issues too.. Shelley

Hi All, As some of you know it is Canada's Thanksgiving Day weekend and I am not looking forward to this weekend... I am all alone with no real friends and family around me for the whole weekend... I thought I might be okay but I am not feeling all that well, I am just so down in the dumps so far.. It has been five years since I lost my parents and so I thought I could handle it but Here we go again with tears and crying.. Shelley I did see one of my therapists this past Thursday and boy was that emotional... I cried the whole time and could not speak about what was going on, she is a art therapist so she took out the crayons and paper and told me to just do what I needed to do to help get the emotions out... So I wrote words and scribbles and little pictures and I cried so very much... I usually have a hard time crying infront of people but not this time I could not stop... Shelley

Hi Marty, I have decided to cancel the session with the psychiatrist and have done so, my doctor who referred me to him does not know yet... I just feel so overwhelmed right now and I have talked it over with both therapists that I do have... I agrees that maybe putting it off is a good idea since I am not feeling comfortable with talking with men yet and the other feels I made a mistake when I cancelled it and I should have gone through with the session.. Now that I have cancelled it I feel a little better, but now it is Thanksgiving Day weekend and I am all alone with no friends or family... I am a little more down than I thought I might be... I have no real friends and my family decided to not wait for me till I got off work and left for the cottage... Shelley

Hi All, I just have to tell you about my week last week, I went to work Monday to find out one of the ladies I work with lost her sister in law to a car accident in Jamica.. Than with her grieving over her loved one and all the staff in the room supporting her we come to Wednesday and as the day went on another lady I work with received a call while at work that her mother died... Her mother was only in her 50s... SO now the two of us are trying so hard to comfort the other two who are grieving their own personal losses... I keep both families in my prayers and offer support to them both... I just do not know how I could have helped without finding the support I did from here during my sad time. Shelley

Hi All, I think I have had a relapse or something but today I am very low and have not left my room and really do not care what is happening outside my door... I am still in my pjs and have no thought of doing anything... I have been really happy lately and now what has happen to me that I feel the bad things all over again... I have even had suicidal thoughts too... I just do not understand how this can happen after being so very happy... Shelley

Hi All, I just want to Thank everybody who kept me in their prayers and send me good wishes about getting my new job, Because of all of you I am happy to announce that I have been HIRED.... Thanks again everybody... Shelley

Hi All, Well tomorrow is the fifth and final day of the trial week, I find out tomorrow if they are going to hire me or send me on my way... I would love to work there but if it does not work out than I will just go back and start job searching all over again... If it is meant to be it will be... Shelley

Thanks Marty, It means so much to have so many supporters on my quest for a new job... Shelley

Hi All, Just wanted you to know that I made through the first day of work and survived it... I had such an amazing day it is so awesome working with such loving children... Shelley

Thanks Marty, It was a rough day that I went for the interview but I think my dad and mom were with me during it because I started the day nervous but got to the interview and was very calm... Shelley

Hi All, I just wanted to tell you that I received the call about the new job that I was interviewed for ... I got the job it is at a local Montessori School as a teacher's assistant...I think my parents would be happy with the choice of job I got.. It is a job trial for a week and than if they like me than I will be hired full time...This has been a very hard week as I was so needing to find work with my bills piling up and I also had a hearing test done and found out that I have a mild hearing impairment, and than it was a call one day before I went for the interview so I had to do an interview with out any time to prepare... I have not been on an interview for over twenty years so it was very hard to do, on that same day it was my dad's fifth anniversary of his death.... What a great Friday though when I found out I got the job, but did not have anyone to share in my excitement... Shelley