STARKISS

Hi All, I am looking for a new job for the next little while and if nothing turns up than I am going to check out courses in university or college level just to see what is out there for me... Shelley

Hi All, Just wanted you all to know I am still here, this is the first week day that I have been out of work... I am a little low but I am trying to keep a positive outlook on things and I keep praying and asking God for help each and everyday... I still have the thoughts of killing myself on a daily basis but try to positive think about other things... I went to see my therapist's last Saturday afterall and we discussed things and she has been so great she gets me back off the negative stuff and starts me on the positive thinking... Shelley

Hi All, I feel a little better but found out both therapists went out of town for the holiday weekend on a happy note my family is also leaving town tomorrow for the long weekend... Shelley

Hi Niamh, Just wanted to tell you that what you are going through is normal... I got angry last week and I got angry at everything including the tv for not having something for me to watch on it... My therapist asked me when I got angry what animal would I be and the first animal to come to mind was a t-rex of all things... She had me draw a picture of this t-rex and not to sound silly but drawing animals to put with how I felt really helped me understand my feelings... Shelley

Hi Niamh, Just knowing people here are pulling for me is great, I just really need a family who can be here for me rooting me on too which I do not have... My family and I are about to end it all together as I have been told many times to do away with all the negative people in my life and fill the spots with people who are loving and caring.. And if my family can not do it than I have to look elsewhere... Shelley

Hi All, Very, very low in feelings today,,, called therapists to see who I can go and see today... Shelley

Hi Marty, I just wanted to say that if my sister has so much invested in me why did she give me the ax, This is my last day of work and now they are even threating to throw me out... So this does not sound to me like she wants me around, besides I got a really nasty facebook message from her this morning threating to cut the internet off if I put anything about our family on facebook... So you see this is why I need to do something else be it college which I feel now i am mot going to do... I think I am going to look for jobs in a whole new city and hopefully move too... Shelley

Hi All, I just wanted to ask you all what you think? I know that most of you do not really know me that well but I feel that you are closer to me than my own family is... The question is should I apply to teacher's college or not? I have been told by several teachers at my neice and nephews school that I would be an awesome kindergarten teacher... Two of the teachers being kindergarten teachers themselves, but when I mentioned this to my sister who I live with she totally freaked on the ideal saying that I would not make it through the course and just to forget it ... SO I just need anyone ideals on the subject please... Shelley

Hi All, Last Thursday and Friday were extremely bad days for me, I did alot of thinking towards ending it all but remembered my promise....I get thinking about my mom and I miss her so much and I know if she were still here she would not allow Jamie or Mackenzie to talk the way they do to me.. I still have days like that but the medication is starting to kick in and since last Friday I have had a couple of pretty good days... Shelley

Thanks so very much Niamh, You have been so kind and understanding... I think between how Jamie and his daughter treat me it is one of the reasons I have thought of killing myself... They just do not stop and I get to the point that I think it would be better to be gone from this world... But than I think of all of you and my nephew Evan who I know will always love me, and all the supporters who have helped me get this far and I change and think I have to stay here for all of them... Shelley

Hi Niamh, Thanks for the support, I find this website and all the people who use it more support that my family I am living with... For example my brother in law got angry when I told him that I applied for jobs all over the area and he said that was stupid because I would use of most of my earning on travel expenses... I think he seriously thinks I am always going to live with them... I have a surprise for him I am also looking for a new place to live because my therapist said that the place I am now is to full of toxic and negative people and I need people who will support me and not bring me down... Shelley

Hi All, As the five anniversary of my dad's death approaches in August of this year, I find it really hard to even feel anything about this... I know that he was my dad and I should miss him and celebrate his life but I am feeling nothing at all... Shelley Hi Marty, Thanks for lighting the candles that was so sweet Shelley

Hi Aquarius7, I am now at the five year mark for the death of my mom and will be at that point in August of this year for my dad... I must admit I lost a couple of years along the way... I was talking with my therapist and I am presently working on a drawing book about my life which includes good times and bad ones... My therapist asked me why I had no pictures for the years 2006, 2007, 2008, I told her other than birthdays or anniversaries I could not remember anything from those years... I asked her if I would ever remember and she said i might remember sometime later in life... But now it is just I need to find another job and start living my life like I am suppose but without my mom or dad..If anything good has come out of this it is that I grown up inside I am not the weak little girl anymore who needed mom and dad to do everything for me... I have done some stuff now for the first time ever in my life... Such as taking the train and going to different cities all by myself, attending the doctors and dentist all by myself... so you see there have been some good things from all of the badness... Shelley

Hi Marty, I appreciate all the articles that you share with all of us, I think that most of the ones I read are very helpful... Shelley

Hi Aquarius7, Marty is right you do not have to do this all alone, that is one thing I have learned from all of this... I lost both parents in one year, moved out of my parent's house where I lived for over thirty years, left my job and all my friends and neighbours behind... I moved to a strange city where the only people I knew were my family... I got to the point that I would not leave the house and sat in my room all the time, I was just happy staying home...I screamed at my 10 year neice one day that January for no reason and felt so horrible for doing it and felt that there was a problem inside of me so I went on the internet and looked up psychotherapists in my area and got the courage to email one of them and told them what was going on and the therapist called me at home and we talked for a few minutes and I was able to bring myself to go and meet with her and talk about things that were going on with me... Discovered that it was not only the grief bothering me but that my father had sexual, emotionally, verbally and p physically abused me and that I also had some buried issues with my mom as well... I also had a very bad problem with self confidence and self esteem and being verbally abused by my neice and my brother in law too.. But I have been in therapy since January 2010 and I have started to forgive mmy father and I have forgiven my mom for other reasons and I am started to feel better about myself and my life... I still struggle with daily problems that I have such as verbally being abused and feeling suicudal sometimes but I know have a very, very good support team that I am working with such as a psychotherapist, my family doctor, art therapist, and in the near future because I might be ADD or ADHD I will add a psychiatrist to my support team.... I wish I could say my family is the biggest part of my support team but most of them are the cause of my problems right now... I also all every here on this site who are more of a family than my real one is... So you see there are many people out there who are willing to help you get your life back on track all you need is a little courage to take the first step... I did not want to take that step but I am really glad I did... Shelley

Hi All, I just wanted to add that the way the man felt is what I feel like, I did not lose my house or business but I had to move out of my parent's house that I had lived in for over 30 years and I had to change jobs and lost alot of my friends and neighbors I knew for along time... I moved to a strange city and had to start all over to find out that the family I am living with have now broken my heart and lied to me... They are monsters instead of family... Now I have lots of money problems and need a new job and I am still grieving over my parents too... Shelley

Hi Marty, I just finished listening to the program, and I want to say it was the best 20 minutes I have spent in the past two years... Thanks for sharing it with me... Shelley

Hi Aquarius7, Thanks for all your sharing, and I am so sorry for everything you are going through... I just wish I was magic and could shake a wand and take it all away for the both of us... I am really beginning to hate my life... Shelley

Hi Marty, Thanks for sharing this, I am a little late reading it but I found it very interesting.. Shelley

Hi All, I am so glad I know that sucide is a sin because I am having one of those days today... I just looked in the mail and I have to pay income tax of 1200.00 dollars by a certain time, I went to my Endontist today and to fix my tooth it is going to cost 1423.00 dollars and I lose my job in 6 days and I have a family who thinks that I am just an insecure little girl who does not know how to look after herself...So you see I am glad I know suicide is a sin... Shelley

Hi All, The nightmares have stopped but now that I have been taking the pills for a while I am back to not sleep well again... The first few days I had great sleeps but now it is back to the old way again... Shelley

Hi Niamh, Thanks for all your replies and yes somedays I do feel like I am going crazy... Today it day eight of taking pills and the only thing I have really noticed so far is the nightmares are gone... I sleep better and longer, except last nigt I was awake at midnight and could not get back to sleep I think I tossed and turned the rest of the night... Shelley

Hi All, I went to my two therapists and was asked how I felt about Father's Day approaching I told them that it would be hard but I will get through the day... I will take the scrapbook out and look and remember my dad... I know my dad did some bad things but it was not all bad, what father would leave it job it lunch hour and take his four kids a hot lunch to school each day... I have been through a lot of therapy and I am really beginning to forgive my dad for what he has done... So even though I still can not say I love you to him I do appreciate all the good things he did for me...Shelley

Hi Steve, Thanks for sharing your story with me, I have promised both my therapist and my family doctor if it gets bad for me I will call one of them ASAP... Shellley

Well Everyone this is day three of pills, I am also waiting on a call from the doctor to hear when she wants me to see the Psychiatrist... Just writing that word freaks me out, my therapist says that when I say that I am scared or freaked out it is the little girl inside talking and I have trouble making the adult me speak more... I hope this does not sound crazy... But since my parents died I have let the little girl speak more because it was she who my dad abused the most... But my therapist is right even if I need to force myself to do it the adult shelley has to speak up more and stand up for herself and prove to everyone she is a grown up... Shelley