STARKISS

Hey All, Well the day is almost over and I have been extremely busy today but took time to sit quietly and remember my dad... I actually went to A&W to eat dinner and did this in name of my dad...Even with our so called relationship I do still care about him and thought of the good times that we did share. Like going and getting a root beer float... Shelley

Hi All, Here I am two days before my dad's fifth anniversary of his death and I do not feel anything. I do not know if I am numb or just do not feel anything about the upcoming anniversary Shelley

Hi All, Here I am getting myself prepared for all the emotions that might show up on August 25 as this is the fifth anniversary of my dad's death... My dad and I did not have a great relationship but I still care for him and maybe one day I can actually say I love him... Shelley

Hi All, Just wanted to you know things are going better for me, until last night that is... I had a really bad dream it starts when I am entering my therapist Suzanne's office and she asks me how my week has gone... I reply by saying I hurt my hand and show her my arm which is cut at the wrist and is bleeding really bad and I wake up than and start crying... Shelley

Hi All, Just wanted you all to know that I really appreciate each and everyone of you... I know that Dean has left for Poland and that our extended family is becoming closer together and we are praying every day for Dean to come home to us all who love him so much... I miss you Dean and Danielle and I hope all is going well.... Please continue to Keep His family in your prayers Thanks Shelley

Hi All, Things are getting worst, I want my mom so very bad... My siblings will not give me an answer about my parent's remains, I still can not find a job... It is so awful why I can not find a job doesn't anyone want me??? I have to see the psychiatrist and I am really thinking I am going crazy... They tell me it could be depression but sometimes being diagnosed with depression it also can be ADD OR ADHD which to me would be worst... I just can not figure out why I can not feel happy... I want to feel happy but the more I try the worst it is, People do not understand why I am not happy.. I want to make things better but I just do not know how... Some days I just pray and wish God would let me go home with Him but I guess He is not ready for me but I am ready for Him....Shelley

Hi All, I am missing my mom like it was yesterday, I am really having a very hard time right now... I have to see a psychiatrist and I think this could be some of the problem... My mom was always there when I needed her to come to an appointment with me... I just feel ill all the time now because I just want my mom so much... Shelley

Hi All, I have decided to phone my doctor and tell her that I can not do the appointment it is just too stressful for me and I am having panic attacks alot and I just can not handle this anymore... Having a very hard time right now... Shelley

Hi Ron B, Thanks for your reply and I will definitely look into finding the book you mentioned... Shelley

Hi All, I am still having a hard time when thinking I have to see a psychiatrist, I think that because the psychiatrist is a man and that he might find something else wrong with me is freaking me out the worst... I am a very shy person and I do not feel comfortable talking to people... I am really freaked out but my therapist still believes it will be good for me to do this... Shelley

Hi All, I thought I was finished with all of this feeling but today, after finding out about my cousin Dean and now I just heard from the doctor and she was me to see a Psychiatrist now I really believe I am crazy... She wants me to see the Psychiatrist about getting tested for ADD OR ADHD or if it is just good old fashion depression I am suffering from... I am totally freaked out about the session and it is not even happening till September 20th... Talk about major panic attack, I am seeing this doctor who I do not know and the doctor being a man makes it even worst... I so want to tell the doctor I have to forget the whole thing but how can I do that... Shelley

Hi Em, I do not think my personality changed much but I do suffer from depression now and before I didn't.. I am the opposite now though I did not change but I did stay the same and now it is so hard for me to change... I stay home all the time I rarely leave the house unless someone makes me leave... I would rather stay home than go out which is not good my therapists say... I need to make myself get up and go out more often and it is so hard to find a reason just to leave the house... Shelley

Thanks Marty, My cousin Dean's family lives in Nova Scotia and I live in Ontario and so we do not see each other very often but he is still a member of my extended family and I too hope he is able to find something to help him... Thanks for caring Shelley

Hi All, I just found out that my cousin Dean has MS and is getting worst each day... He needs a special treatment that Canada does not haveso he and his family are travelling to Poland to get this treatment... Can you please keep Dean and his family in your prayers, He was only 20 years old when he was diagnosed... Thanks Shelley

Hi All, That is not just about spouses it is when you are very close to your parents too... My parents did everything for me and when they both died I had to discover the world for myself... It was hard at first but I am getting better with it everyday, I did not make decisions for myself until my parents died and I had to become a grown up for the first time... I started living with my sister and her husband and I am discovering that I am a responsible mature adult that my parents would be proud of I hope... Shelley

Hi Marty, Thanks for all the encouragement I am so thankful to know someone how there cares and is rooting for me... My family is certainly not at the moment... Shelley

Hi All, After my parents died I lived with my sister and my brother in law and their family, I really did not have a real job... But now the kids are older and do not need taking care of during the week I have to find a real job... This scared me to death at first because I did not have to make that decision on my own, my parents were always around to make it for me or to help me when I needed them... Now it is just me, I went to a two day job club where they taught us about making resumes and cover letters and how to deal with different interview questions...I was so scared at first but made it through with out to much problems... I am seeing a employment counsellor because I have been out of the real job force for quite some time... She will help me get the skills I need for a good job... I was so freaked out about all of this but something happened last week while I was waiting for a bus home... I was sitting at the bus stop and was bored and found this newspaper to look at and noticed the ad for the job club... I think my parents must have been there and made me some how find this information to help me get back on my feet... I am not so scared anymore and with the help of my two therapist and the employment counsellor I know I will make my parents proud of me... Shelley

Hi Peach, First of all I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.. I feel what you are going through, both my parents died in hospital and even though I was at my mom's side at her death she was in a coma and did not even know I was there... I just wish I could hear her voice and tell me it was okay but that was not meant to be... with my dad he had gone through chemo and caught a cold and was admitted to hospital and died early the next morning so again I feel what you are going through and I would wish the feeling not on anyone... I wish I could make it so everyone could say good bye at the end.. Shelley

Hi Niamh, Thanks for all the kindness, I really thought that I was over the house but yesterday when I arrived at my art therapist's office she has me close my eyes and just take a deep breath and check into what my body is feeling and it is always a surprise what comes up because I just have my mind focused somewhere else until I do that... So yesterday the house come up after I did this and that is what we talked about... How I felt when the for sale sign went up and when the sold sign went up.. How I felt when alot of the furniture and my parents personal things were removed from the house.. How it felt when I had to leave for the final time, and we did have a final good bye party at Thanksgiving where all the family did attend and old stories were shared... She had me paint a picture of what I felt like at that party... I painted a picture of a big yellow sun which represented my parents looking down... I paint three red hearts, one for each brother, I painted a pink heart for my sister and I painted a lavender coloured heart for myself and I painted a little picture of a dog for Chelsea my dog... So I guess I was not over the house and my therapist thinks I should go back to Bowmanville and walk pass the house and just take time to realize that it is just a house and none of the memories are left inside... Shelley

Hi Niamh, I am so sorry you are having such a rough time right now, have you ever heard of the empty chair session... I first did it in therapy with one of my therapist.. You close your eyes and pretend that your loved one is in the chair, than you can say whatever you need to that person... It sounds weird but when I did it with my therapist it really helped to get some of the sadness and pain which was inside of me out... I cried and cried for along time but afterward I felt a lot better and have done it many times when I get feeling really low... I hope this helps Shelley

Hi All, As I said in 2005, my sister and one brother are fairly close but not now... It is five years later and none of my family and I are close anymore, it is like I grew this fear inside of me about them all... I do not talk to any of my brothers anymore and my sister and I are polite to each other but do not see eye to eye anymore either... Sorry if I gave you hope before but all families are not the same mine is just going through some major problems right now and I have to believe God if He wants us to be together than it will happen... Shelley

Hi All, I went to both my therapists today and discovered that I am not over moving and leaving the old house... I was so emotional all day while discussing my parents house in Bowmanville... I just did not realize that I felt so very connected to it still, so connected that it took two therapy sessions and I do not think I am done yet... Shelley

Hi Niamh, I truly believe that my family is trying to drive me crazy, I mentioned that I am going to attend a three day job club where they teach you how to do resumes, cover letters and interviews and my sister spoke up and said that they still need me to look after the kids for a couple of weeks... This was news to me because what I thought was the last day of school was the end of the job, so I started to job search and set things up for myself... I told them if I was not busy and I did not have another job I would look after the kids... Shelley

Thanks Marty, I am actually a three day job club next week, since I have not been in the real job world lately... The job club shows how to do a resume, a cover letter, and how to handle interviews... It also shows you how to stay confident well looking for that all important job... I still have days where I get down very low and think that maybe it should be over but than somehow I find the courage to keep moving on... I think that my therapists Monique and Suzanne deserve most of the credit for that though... They keep me on track every day by giving me so much encouragement and showing me that there are people who really care.... I thank this website family for this as well... You are all awesome in my books... Shelley

Hi Marty, I have decided to look for a job for the next little while and if nothing comes up than I will check out courses to further my education... My sister keeps telling me that people who take lots of courses in college and university are just scared of finding a job... I do not think so I think if you are good in school and you want to keep learning than you should be able... Shelley