Siotara Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 My partner of 11 years, Pete, died 8 weeks ago. 8th August 2016. He was a healthy, deeply spiritual and creative 62 yr old and only had a bit of breathlessness a few weeks before diagnosis. We met dancing, we both loved dancing and he was a musician, making digital dance music on his computer until very recently.... I am18 years younger than him and am the only person amongst my friends who has lost a partner, many have not even lost a parent yet. I feel on another planet to them.... Pete had just 2 months from the cancer diagnosis till he died here in our home during our wedding ceremony. He couldn't complete the words needed for the ceremony so it didn't happen, I wish we had done it sooner of course but way more important than getting married was the way he asked me a few days before, with barely any strength to speak, I was so moved by him and was able to say such a deep hearted 'Yes' - that was much more important and profound to me than the legal part in the end.... What it did mean though was his whole family were here plus two friends of ours plus two registrars. 9 people in our living room here for a wedding but instead ended up witnessing him die. I think we all thought he had longer, maybe a couple of weeks, I know i did......It was shocking to witness the last 15 minutes of his life, gasping for air, flailing arms. It was not a gentle slipping away. I was right by his side though whispering "don't worry sweetheart, just let go, it's ok" of course i had gone into auto pilot to do that and had kinda left my body to be in service to him but I was glad to have been there and been able to try and reassure him even though I was simultaneously in shock. For weeks afterwards I couldn't sleep as images kept flashing from his last few moments. I had cared for him day and night for his last few weeks as his deterioration was so rapid and fast and we had little to no professional help as they were still applying for his care package when he died. After 8 weeks of trying to save his life (or at least prolong it) with juicing and all kinds of alternative protocols, living in a state of extreme anxiety feeling like time was running out but still trying my best, I'm left exhausted and under weight with the shock of him going. The adrenaline and overwhelm of the last 2 months of his life and then the whole commotion when someone dies at home, needing to arrange for all the hospital equipment to be returned whilst having to arrange the funeral etc. It was all so intense. And now the opposite, the quiet in the house, friends going back to their busy lives, my body and soul feeling like what just happened? I am hitting such a deep sadness. Most days I just sit, look out the window at the birds and the trees, weep and think about him 24/7. I try to find meaning in all this, particularly from a spiritual perspective, but also I'm still reeling.... I am trying not to fall into a too deep a hole as the impact of all this sinks in. I am having therapy and have a few friends checking in on me from time to time. Sadly both my parents passed and i have no other family. Pete's 89 yr old mother is in touch by phone occasionally but of course going through her own grief his other family are not very communicative. I have taken comfort in reading others stories on this forum, just grateful to hear i am not alone in this horrible experience. Thanks for listening..... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 I am so sorry you lost your partner, and in such a way, that had to be hard to witness, but I'm glad you were able to be there for him. You have a beautiful attitude and there's no doubt in my mind you're going to make it through this. I'm glad you're getting help, I hope it's someone professionally trained in grief. I'm sorry you don't have family to be there for you and your friends don't understand what it is you're going through. I am glad you've found this place, it's a safe place to express yourself and there's a lot of people here that do understand. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 I think Kay said it all. All of us on here have been through what you are going through now. This is a safe place to come and say how you feel. I am so sorry you lost your love. Sometimes all you can rely on is yourself. Others will go through this, if they have not already. That does not heal our wounds because others hurt. All this does is allows us to unburden our feelings. It took five weeks for my Billy to leave in what our son calls "a knock-out punch." However they leave us, the hurt remains. My heart is with you. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillT Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 Many souls here are walking the path that you have been set upon. None of us chose this path, but there is nothing to do but travel it. My heart goes out to you. Your pain is felt here. There is no "fix", but they tell me that we will eventually find our way. This site allows us to read and speak with others who do understand. Prayers to you. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 Sorry about losing your beloved partner. Also sorry that you do not have family to support you. It is a hard road we are on, but we are here to listen and support you. Gin 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted October 7, 2016 Report Share Posted October 7, 2016 Dear Siotara, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Reading your story was like hearing my own. I was with my husband the same length of time, he died of metastatic melanoma after clean pet scans for a couple of years, and he also died in two very short months. I also was by his side when he passed, telling him it was ok to let go, and to this day I don't know how I did that, but it was just the right thing, and I believed and wished for his peace more than anything, even though I was terrified of him going. It has been 7 months for me. I am so glad you found this place, I know for me that it truly saved me to have a place where everyone understands. I do not have anyone nearby in person who does, so this place is much more than a place of respite for me. I hope you find it the same. I am glad you are here. Patty 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Siotara Posted October 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2016 Dear Patty65, thanks for your reply, my eys filled with tears reading it. Its very touching to know I'm not alone in my experience. And your loss is so recent too so my heart goes out to you too. And thank you to KayC, MargM, BillT and Gin for your kind words too....yes we are all traveling this path of love and loss and it is surely one of the hardest things to do in life but good to look around and see you all there.... Siotara. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted October 7, 2016 Report Share Posted October 7, 2016 Siotara, you definitely will find not only empathy here at the forum but also words that may give you some sense of comfort. While all of our stories are somewhat different, we all share the same tragic loss of that one person who meant everything to us. The person who made us complete. The person we loved like no other and who loved us with all their heart. I lost my wife Tammy last year to the ravages of systemic lupus. She was a young and vibrant 45 year old woman who was my world. When she died, I didn't think I could go on. The enormity of the loss and the pain I felt simply overwhelmed me. If it wasn't for this forum and it's caring members, I truly don't know where I'd be today. Please continue to share your feelings and your story with us. It will help. I'm so sorry for your loss. Mitch 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 7, 2016 Report Share Posted October 7, 2016 Siotara I want to let you know how reading your story touch my heart, it truly shows your love, I am sure when your Pete left this world he knew how much you cared for him and it is that love that will help you in this journey, I lost my Kevin on May 17,2016 to drug addiction we were together 26 years, no amount of time together is ever enough,and you are right a legal paper does not define your love, it is a hard journey we are on some days are harder than others,somedays just getting out of bed is an accomplishment but I truly believe that with their love in our hearts we will find our way out of our darkness, this is an amazing site everyone is truly caring and we all know what it is like to lose our soulmates so you are never alone hugs and prayers are being sent to you. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 Hello, Siotara....and welcome to a good place to help you heal. I'm a bit farther along, it will be 1 year for me the 21st of this month......and, although I still have overwhelming times of wrenching pain.......it "does" let up a bit, in a way.....but, yes, it IS a hard, hard journey. I'm happy to see you are getting therapy, and have friends looking out for you....get all of the assistance you feel you require, it is an important thing to do for yourself! And.....I think, in your heart/soul.....you were as married as those with the paperwork......eleven years together speaks of a loving commitment! I hope you will continue to return here, we can't walk the road you are on....but we may be able to help strengthen you when you stumble while upon it! Best wishes, Kat 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Siotara Posted October 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 Thank you for your soothing words Mitch, rdownes and WolfsKat. Offering kindness and reaching out is very appreciated at this lonely lonely time. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 You are welcome here. I lost my wife 600 days ago and empathize with you and your grief walk. This place is a solemn sanctuary where people listen, share, and care for each other. My wife died suddenly, and we were together almost 26 years. This place has helped many of us through the most difficult and shocking times of grief and loss. We will be there for you as others are for us. MartyT, has some great resources available and a kind and caring heart to help everyone who searches for the truth about grief and loss. This is a place that no one volunteers for yet are blessed for having found this place. -Shalom, George 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Siotara Posted October 9, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 Sorry for your loss too George, 600 days is a fraction of time, thanks for reaching out. So much heartache here and so much support for those aching hearts too...... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted October 20, 2016 Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 I am new too. So sorry for your loss. It sounds very tragic. I can't imagine what that was like for you. I understand numbness .. I have had that too. It's amazing how close you become to your partner. Then you're left with what feels like half...so incomplete ... Hugs and prayers for peace. May love hold you close so you can rest and be restored. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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