New to Group...my apologies for posting this at this time of year!!!

[Dr Lenera]

I know this is probably the wrong time year to post this but just felt I had to let it out. This may be a bit long winded too and for that I am sorry….

I joined this site back in June or July….so this could be some kind of record.  For some time it was enough for me to just read other people’s stories  [to remind me that I’m not alone and that others are suffering worse than me], and to feel the love and compassion people seem to share on here.

But now….I thinks it’s probably due to Christmas which I’ve never been a fan of but which my wife loved, probably because she was happy that she made it through another year.

You see in some respects it wasn’t too hard for me…or I didn’t think it was. I met my Jo 17 years ago and as soon as our relationship got ‘serious’, she sat me down and told me that she had…..well, it was a long list of medical problems and I won’t go into them all but they were all based around a really weak heart which caused other difficulties like her blood either being too thick or thin, and she had her pacemaker. She wasn’t entirely disabled – she held down a full time job, but couldn’t walk very far and got out of breath very easily. She’d had a stroke at 18 and almost died within her first few months of being born. And she was told that she probably wouldn’t make it past 30.

She told me that the only other guy she’d got close to ran a mile after being told this and I wasn’t going to do the same. I said I wasn’t going anywhere. I’d been out with some horrid women [not offence intended to the ladies on here!] before Jo so she was like an angel to me. I always knew that she would die way before me. And that she probabaly wouldn’t make it past 30. But as it turned out she did make it past 30. And 31. And 32. I won’t say that I became ‘blasé’, but I often did find it hard to believe her ill she really was.

She was in and out of hospitals all her life so I was used to this existence. But around 35 years of her age, the visits became more and more frequent. She had lots of things like mini strokes and faints and operations to change her pace maker over to a stronger one and repair a hole in her heart, and it became harder and harder for them to maintain her proper blood level with the variety of pills she had to have [four different pills every night]. However, every time she pulled through, and I became almost of the opinion that whatever happened, she would continue to do so. She made it to 39 and the hospital visits continued, she still kept pulling through but she would often mention her possible death, talk of me finding ‘somebody else’ if she dies [as if!], find sad films unbearable to watch etc, as if she had a feeling that she would die this year.

Well, of course the final time she didn’t. June this year she had a mini stroke and an ambulance rushed her to our local hospital, then to London, a specialist hospital she often went to. She was in there a week, things got worse and worse, and two days before she died I myself almost fainted and the same night dreamt that I was walking through places we liked without her. These two things told me that this was it. She would die soon. I was partly prepared. She died of a heart attack, most of which I witnessed. The last thing I ever did for her was to pour some tea in her mouth she asked for. And then that was it.

Everyone seems to say that I’ve been coping well. And I suppose I have, because Jo prepared me for her death so many years ago. I have friends and hobbies [I'm 46]. But the last few weeks have been hell….which is I’ve been working every hour under the sun that I can…I know I’ll feel better in a few weeks but it’s so hard....probably the hardest it's been since the couple of weeks between her death and her funeral.

[KATPILOT]

You can try but it's so hard to prepare for this Dr L. I know her heart wanted it to be easier for you but ....... and it's never a bad time to post. Please feel free to say what needs to be said because that's simply who we are. I'm so sorry for the reason you are here but glad you spoke up and we welcome you.

[rdownes]

Dr. L I do not think that knowing your spouse is going to leave this world makes it any easier the pain and lost you feel is the same as someone who had no idea, my heart goes out to you thank you for sharing your story it truly speaks of a special love, and what an extraordinary person she was they say holidays are the worse time for grievers for me though everyday is hard a holiday does not bring extra pain for me I feel I have been low for so long but I keep on going it's all I can do lately feel free to post whenever and whatever you need to these are a group of amazing fellow grievers who get what you are going through and feel hugs to you.

[kayc]

Dr Lenera,
I want to tell you how sorry I am you lost your Jo, she sounds like a wonderful woman.  I didn't get very long with my husband, we knew each other 6 1/2 years, were only married  years 8 months, but it was the happiest time of our lives, we were soul mates and best friends through and through.
I've heard it said that six months is the hardest time because reality sets in.  I'm sure it's different for everyone, our journeys are as unique as we are, but that may be part of what you're feeling right now...that and the holidays on top of it.
I'm glad you've been reading here, this is a caring group of people, we understand the loss and what it's like to live with it.  I hope you'll continue to come here, it's been a lifesaver to me.

[Marie Lee]

Dear Dr Lenera, It's very hard to get through Holidays for me too.

It appears that is the way it is for most of us on here.

It is very warming to hear that Jo found you and that you found her. I hope that brings you some measure of comfort.

I am at the six mths mark too and have no idea how the next six months will be...I have decided baby steps will do for a while..

I tried a few dates and have quickly discovered how lucky Kev and I were.

The journey continues...

With much care, Marie

[Dr Lenera]

Thanks for your kind words. I did feel a little better after New Year. But not much!!!

[kayc]

It takes more time than you can imagine to process grief...it evolves into something more tolerable than the intensity of the earlier months.

[Margm]

On 12/22/2016 at 4:58 PM, Dr Lenera said:

I know this is probably the wrong time year to post this

Dr. L., there is no good time of the year.  We just look for softer places to fall.  I have seen members disappear, somewhere, but think they are hiding in their grief.  I do know a couple of my friends that remarried but the little woman that had heart surgery the day she was remarried (I think the stress, probably guilt too, was too much for her.)  She looked up at me from her automatic wheelchair and said "Its not the same."  We all try to reach for a tiny sliver of sunshine in this whole rotten time.  I will tell you at first I welcomed the numbness that came on ever so often.  Unfortunately, that left.  I take care of my granddaughter who has social anxiety problems, so I am occupied most of the time.  She does not have school today and I am thinking of getting in my "Ferris Yaris" the little Toyota clown car that should give me pleasure, and I think there is a measure of pleasure with it.  Nothing like it should be.  I am sorry you have to join us.  We have lots of young people on here.  I am not one of them.  But, my experience does not make me smarter.  "I was not old till Billy left" has become my most familiar quote.  Somehow, the lyrics of "Hotel California" by the Eagles comes into play.  (Also, after 17 months now, I have begun to cautiously listen again to music).  Don't give up.  I say the word "enthusiasm" has been lost from all of our vocabulary, but I was so happy to hear that emotion from one of our members.  He deserves it too.

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
'Relax' said the night man
'We are programmed to receive
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave! (Hotel California, Eagles)

This is a bunch of people who are going through the same thing you are on different levels, if there is such a thing.  Keep reading and keep writing.  We put our frustrations on here.  Even when people dismiss our grief as shallow, we post that too.  Because we know, and not in a good way, we know it will eventually be visited on everyone, and I can only hope they find the help of Marty and the people here.   So, in that sense, welcome.  (And you will find I am the wordsmith, too wordy most times.)

I just looked up the word "wordsmith" and that is not what I am.  I will stick with what I called them before, I write "word salads" and that does describe it.

[Dr Lenera]

Thankyou for your very kind welcome Marge, I like it that there seems to be quite a variety of ages on here, but I've always enjoyed hanging out with people much older than me anyway almost as much as my own age group. "Word salads"...I like that!

[kayc]

I had to look it up too, Marg...
 

word·smith

ˈwərdˌsmiTH/

noun

 

1. a skilled user of words.

[Margm]

Kay, one of my friends had called me this and I accepted it without looking it up.  No college skills with words, like my sister's knowledge of words, I had knowledge of medical words.  Words to the "wise" though, not so much, and I knew the psychological term "word salads" which mine are, more or less.  

[kevin]

Hotel California....I love that song...and at 65 I finally understand or can relate to it....Marg ,you have a gift of "Words" , you good have or are a Poet...