Just alittle low tonight

[rdownes]

Just am feeling a little extra low to night , just missing Kevin alot, feels like forever since I heard his voice oh yeah it has been 7 going on 8 months feels like forever, have been getting through my days ok, not to much in the way of tears lately haven't had any grief waves this week guess it's been an OK week I survived first Christmas, New Year's and my b-day without him, I still listen to his music everyday it is my way of feeling he is still here in some sense, today I was buzzing my older sons hair (he is the spitting image of his dad) and for a moment it was Kevin's hair I was cutting again so am alittle extra sad tonight just missing him alittle extra more but I know this is my new normal sadness mixed with love, my youngest son is turning 18 on Saturday it is bitter sweet me and Kevin always talked about when they all were finally adults how our time would start, now it is me time with Kevin in my heart not quite the same but better than nothing

[Guest]

Hi, rdownes...I'm soooo sorry you lost your Kevin. My year #2 without my Cookie started yesterday. Sometimes I think I'm seeing small traces of improvement in myself, and then I wonder if it isn't just a case of getting more used to it. The nites are still the hardest part of any day for me.  Climbing into that bed by myself that she and I shared for 41 years still just really sucks (forgive my language please. Sometimes it just feels better to let those things just go ahead and escape). We somehow will persevere. Try to smile.

[rdownes]

I was talking to my daughter the other day we were walking to the store and me and her always talk about Kevin she was telling me about a sign she felt she got from her father she looked out of the corner of her eye and saw one of those airplane that leave smoke as they fly she said it looked like it drew angel wings, I told he it had been awhile since I had received a sign from her dad but I told her I think it is because when he first passed I think he new how hard it was and how much we still needed him and missed him not that it is not hard now but unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it we do get used to these feelings being present, to some degree we get used to them not being here we live a new normal life, no need to apologize grief truly SUCKS.

[Brad]

Robin - I hope this morning is better for you.  One of the things I hate most about this grief journey is how much the grief undulates.  I have times where I feel I am okay, I can cope, I might someday be okay; and then something stupid will trigger a flood of emotions, countless tears.  I'm glad you and your daughter can talk about Kevin, that is so important for the both of you.  My daughter prefers to bottle things up and it is taking a toll.  

9 hours ago, rdownes said:

my youngest son is turning 18 on Saturday it is bitter sweet me and Kevin always talked about when they all were finally adults how our time would start, 

My kids are 34, 31, 29 and only one of them is an adult and that's the youngest. 

[KATPILOT]

It's a long journey Robin and I wish so much that it wasn't so. The truth is that it is your time. Your life is still at hand sad as it may seem right now and Kevin is still a part of that life as he will be on Saturday. When you hold him in your heart he will be there. Every day you traverse is another day in that life and even when it seems empty and lost, it's still there ahead of you. 

Yeah grief truly sucks. It was always going to be that way so last night was just another reminder. The holidays are over and new ones still will come.  I often speak about how as time goes by those hard days become a little less frequent and in between come some smiles but I also know that the sad times come back often with a vengeance. Like riding the rapids we sometimes barely catch our breaths before the next tumble hits. For now feel the hugs of all of us riding in that same boat sharing the pain. A better day ahead for you.

[Marie Lee]

Take care Robin....

Marie

[kayc]

I'm sorry you were down last night, Robin, I hope tonight is better.  (((hugs)))

[rdownes]

Thank you all for your support today was a more normal day as normal as they are now, I buzzed my other sons hair tonight and my grandson's and was fine, I don't know why last night was such a trigger I guess it was because my oldest son looks like the spitting image of Kevin or , I know it is my time now and I can either spend the rest of my life sad, lonely, empty and even bitter, or I can learn to live with Kevin's love inside me and make the most of the years I have left with his spirit forever beside me it is just getting from one spot to the other that is the challenge but I  truly believe that one day with alot of work and alot of shedded tears I will get there hugs to all.

[Gin]

Robin,

So many triggers can trip us up.  So many times we do not even know what the trigger was.

Brad,

I think it was you that mentioned the book, "A Grief Observed" a few months ago.   I am reading it now.  A few thoughts really hit home:  "Perhaps the bereaved ought to be isolated in special settlements like lepers".  I think that might be a good idea.  Then the rest would not have to feel awkward around us AND we would all have each other close by.

"The act of living is different all through.  Her(his) absence is like the sky, spread over everything".  So true.

 

[Brad]

Gin - Thank you for reminding me of the book.  I think I'll reread it.  

[kayc]

11 hours ago, rdownes said:

I can learn to live with Kevin's love inside me and make the most of the years I have left with his spirit forever beside me

It's good to hear you say this Robin.  It's a choice.  That doesn't mean it's easy but it is doable.