I can get through this on my own

[KATPILOT]

Just a little reminder since we have been discussing grief support, counseling, and therapy.  Very few can do this grief's work alone. This illustration says it pretty much like it is.

[KATPILOT]

Never be afraid to ask for help.

[Gin]

Steve,  I went to 2 grief groups, a counsellor, read  lots of books, this wonderful group and I am not(or ever will be) fixed.  Just adapting.  All these things help us to some degree.

 

[AB3]

I've always had problems asking for help, always dealt with my feelings alone. This is different though don't think I can deal with it on my own still don't know where to turn but this group has been a great support. Thank you all. 

[kayc]

Steve, I figure the options are asking for help or suicide so I opt for asking for help.   I'm scheduled for eye surgery on the 27th and had to ask for a ride to/from.  A friend is going to the doctor tomorrow (50 miles away) so I asked if I could ride along and be dropped off at the grocery store while he's at the doctor.  It's hard driving on this ice and he has 4WD.  My car is making horrid noises so I can't drive it and I left a message with someone to see if they can take it for a drive this week to listen to it and give me their opinion; if not, it'll have to wait until my son brings my truck back.  It's hard for me to ask for help.  I've spent years being self sufficient and it just goes against my grain.  But the older we get, sometimes it's necessary.

[Gin]

Kaye,

I feel the same asking for help. I will need to ask for a lot soon.  I will need a ride to/from the ortho doc for shots in my knees, cataract surgery and oral surgeon.  Funny why we feel that way.  I was always doing these kinds of things for others, but am reluctant to ask.  The parking is very bad by some docs and I need to get dropped off.

[kayc]

So after setting my alarm and getting ready, his appointment got canceled just before we left, so I won't be getting groceries.  I'll probably shovel snow again today.
I hear you with the parking.  I was disappointed I can't get my eye surgery until Jan. 27, my eye is inflamed and in pain.  Before Christmas they were booking a week in advance, I guess everyone is scheduling now.

[Patty65]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

I figure the options are asking for help...

For many of us that is a hard-won, and sometimes yet to be determined battle we wage with ourselves.  Asking and receiving help.  That challenge started a year ago when Ron got sick, and, the asking, and accepting, of help... has been been hard and against my nature.  But I think an important lesson to be learned to live out this life.  And we learn it here so much.

Patty

[Margm]

On 1/3/2017 at 4:41 PM, Gin said:

I am not(or ever will be) fixed.

I am not looking forward to tonight's first grief group.  It is new to them also.  My friend, who suggested it, belongs to this church.  She took care of every movement and need for her husband through a seven year bedridden period before she lost him.  She has a musical quality to her voice.  She is the first person our group of women calls on for a prayer warrior.  She never leaves the house unless everything matches, every hair in place, in fact she is prettier than she was in high school.  She will go with me tonight (I really am not afraid to go alone), but that is just the way she is.  She was alone on Christmas day, her very successful sons had other family, but were with her Christmas Eve.  She has been alone for probably 7 years.  A very lovely love story of her and her high school sweetheart.  She is very involved in her very large church.  She does not date.  There will be no one else.  But, she can see and feel I need help. She lives alone and takes care of her beautiful long time home. I am like the rest of you, the majority of you, I really do not trust me, any of my feelings, I am afraid of living.  I sometimes am fearful to take that next step.  No, I all the time am fearful, but sometimes I leap before I look.  Hence the move south  It was not a mistake.  Sometimes I do things right.  

I just took a Xanax.  Sometimes I have fear that makes me unmovable.  I try to intelligently analyze it and there is no reason for it except the ghost in the room that I cannot see.  I am not afraid of him, certainly, just afraid because I cannot see or feel him.  We had a long life together, I am thankful of that, but I only had dependence upon myself beginning 10/17/2015.  Until that time I was never alone without someone to depend on my whole long life.  I am not alone now, but there is no other person to depend on.  Instead, I know that everyone depends on me and that frightens me so much even though you can only take so much and then you can take no more.  I understand that.  

Will this help tonight?  Never know until I try it.  I jumped into this forum after three days of being alone.  See, sometimes I do things to help myself that seem to work.  

[MartyT]

You are one brave lady, Marg, and I admire your courage. You're absolutely right: You'll never know if this attending a grief group will help until and unless you try it. Good for you for being willing to give it a try. Do let us know how it goes.  ♥

[Patty65]

Yes, so brave, Marg, please tell us how it goes....

[Margm]

You guys, you prepped me for this meeting tonight.  They were wonderful people.  I will go again.  I did speak out.  A bunch of good Christian women.  I did shock them when I told them I had suicide plans after Billy left, and had them right down to where I was going to go.  They knew I had/have trouble with my faith, let them know the reason I did not carry out the suicide was because I was afraid I would not see Billy.  And, one woman told me truthfully, "you had not lost your faith or you would have carried through with it"  Of course she was right.

I certainly will go again.  You see, I feel kinda like that 3rd grader that is actually supposed to be in the 8th grade.  I am so happy I found you all on the 3rd day after Billy left.  I know he had a part in my finding you.  If you doubt me, then just let me go on believing in this.  

You are an exceptional group of people and I love you all.  (I feel I have much to offer this group) (because of you all) , and who knows, I just might rediscover my faith and find some peace.

[MartyT]

[Patty65]

Marg, Your whole post put a giant smile on my face.  I'm so, so happy it was a good experience for you!!

Patty

[Gin]

Marge,

So glad you went to the group.  I went to a 12 week one and was sad when it ended.  I got a lot out of it, but I wish it was ongoing.  Keep going and who knows...maybe your faith will come back stronger.

[Margm]

Gin, do you live in Chicago?  Surely there are meetings such as this going on at a lot of the churches.  It is called "GriefShare" and there is a big book to go along for each meeting, to read and fill out in between meetings.  Most of the women were around my age, but as big a church as this is, I feel there should be more men to share with.  Our forum has great guys on it, and it seems like there is something missing from this meeting.  I know there are widowers here, and my friend's father just lost his lovely wife of over 50 years, and in reading his statements his hurt is as raw as ours.  But, he lives probably 500 miles away.  I think this is the name of a national group so I know there are more starting up at other places.  If you enjoyed it, it is really good fellowship.  I don't think I was ready this time last year though, so our group has saved me, and I could not compare it to any other.

[kayc]

Marg, 

One thing I like about you is you are so transparent and honest.  You don't wear a mask.  Those good women should not be shocked.  Suicidal thoughts are common in grief, but we're all still here.  One thing I like about our new pastor is his ability to be transparent and honest.  There's no wearing masks in our church.  One Sunday he related how just a year ago he was planning suicide.  He shared with us what he's learned from it since.  Who knows, he might have saved a life.  I have struggled with it, not so far as to make tangible plans, but it's seemed alluring at times...but then I realize I really don't want to be dead, I just don't want to go through what I have to go through.  And I persevere.  My dog and cat are kind of insurance against it too because I wouldn't want to cut their lives short or make them suffer in any way.  And frankly, who is going to adopt a nearly 21 year old grumpy cat?!  Or a dog you have to cook for and walk twice a day?

[KATPILOT]

Kay I truly feel that when we talk about not having gone through with suicide in the depths of our despair, we give hope and courage to those reading as they see us still standing just as your pastor has done. I know myself that I have said more than once along my journey "If she can do it, so can I". If that one single purpose for why we are still here is all we have done then we did something positive.

Marg i'ts great that you have taken that step and in speaking of grief support groups let me suggest that we are in one right now. This sanctuary was started by a grief counselor. It is moderated by a grief counselor and as spoken from one who has been in a grief group, it acts like one. The difference of course is that no one sees your tears and for some newcomers, that is a blessing.

At the beginning you see people come into the support group of which many can barely get out their name that first visit. Later they speak more easily and eventually they speak to new members just coming in of their courage to keep on living and that's where the eyes brighten just a little. That's where the new members can find hope.

[kayc]

This is like a grief support group, only I don't have to traverse the miles to get there, which would be prohibiting given my eyes.  And just as people who attend in the beginning aren't ready to talk, there are some here who have joined or visited and just read, not yet ready to talk (Marg and I are not one of them  )

[Margm]

39 minutes ago, KATPILOT said:

let me suggest that we are in one right now

Steve, I mentioned that I felt like I was in the third grade and should be in the 8th.  This (our) group had me more than prepared to go into a group that I already felt I was ahead in my understanding of the process.  In our group here, we do not have to "wait our turn" to talk, we just talk.  In this public group my "word salads" have to be dampened down or I would control the whole group, which would be disastrous.  Like Kay says, I am "transparent and honest."  I let the whole group know my faith was lacking, but not entirely gone.  I noticed the pastor did kind of wince.  This is a church group, so I will keep my words clean.  I felt comfortable, but only because I was here first.  

As to the suicide.  I know we are given numbers to call before we consider suicide.  Somehow or other, at the time I was feeling suicidal, I did not want to talk to anyone.  I was not frightened, I just hurt so bad the only release was to follow Billy.  But, I am not so positive in my faith that I would have followed him, so, I had to push that thought away, but it seemed not a sad thing, it seemed a release.  Like I said, when I cried to where I would lose my breath, it seemed so easy to just not breathe anymore.  I am glad I did not let that happen, I have things I have to try to do, but at the time I only thought of myself.  Selfish.  I will go soon enough at the time it happens.   

Addendum: And, also, this new support group is led by someone trained to run such a support group (he also has lost a child and considered leaving the ministry and suicide also), but I have more understanding from a teacher, sponsor, superior counselor with the name of Marty than I do any other person and have learned much from here.  She has known how to plow through this grief fog we all suffer from, more so at times, and she always knows when we are going through this bad time and offers help. The thing this offers me is getting me out of the house, which I have shown fear of doing lately.   

[KATPILOT]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

 (Marg and I are not one of them  )

No ladies! Thankfully your'e not.

[Gin]

Marge,

That was the same group I went to!  GriefShare.  It continued but the next sessions are at night.  No night driving.  There are other groups, but quite a bit further.  I found another one that I do attend, but it is monthly...not enough.  Do you get the daily emails from that group?     I highly recommend them.  I might go back again next Sept.

[Margm]

I do get the emails.  I can drive at night in town, just not interstate or long roads without streetlights.  

I will keep going but I sure wish our group could magically meet.  This is actually better, on line,  we can immediately have our emotions taken care of.  Otherwise, I guess it might be like AA meetings and have to have a sponsor.  This is best because our pain comes on 24/7, 365 days a year.  I actually was surprised that my friend, her husband has been gone seven years, she will not go again.  She does not feel she needs it.  She really does get her peace in her faith, and that is the mountain I have to climb.  

[Gin]

Streetlights are my problem!   Big colored halos around all the lights.  Cataracts have to get taken care of.

[Margm]

You know there were no men at this meeting.  I mentioned that the word needs to get out more for more people to come.

A meeting once a week will never take the place of somewhere like this.  You cannot sit at home in pain and crying and wait and let  it out once a week.  A psychiatrist once a week or twice a month does not take the place of having a forum to come to, to cry, to shout out the pain we are under at any given time 24 hours a day.  If you cannot sleep you can come here and there is usually someone else that cannot sleep and usually for the same reason.  

We know each other better than any group will get to know each other meeting once a week and yet none of us would recognize the other if we met on the street.

I will keep going to the meetings.  Maybe I can get some help, (because of my needing my faith back) but maybe there will be someone else that I can help because of the truth we learn from this forum.