sign papers for veterans footstone

[martha jane]

I am a widow. I have to  check that box now. My husband died on Dec 13, 2016.  He entered the hospital on Nov 1st, my son's birthday. He was put on hospice on Nov 28th , our 57th anniversary. He never spoke to me again. He never told me bye. His was delirous from sespis and c diff.  I did not know that going on hospice would make him like he was in a coma, eyes closed, not moving. No food or water for 14 days. He lay with his head back as far as it would go and his mouth wide open. His tongue became coated with stuff and there were traces of blood inside. The aides tried to keep it clean but was afraid he would choke if a piece went down his throat. At that point it wouldn't have mattered. On the 14th day his breathing changed and my two daughters and I stayed beside his bed, one daughter held her hand over his heart until it stopped. I held his hands which were closed into fists, we had put washcloths in his hands to try to keep them open. My other daughter was knelling in the floor whimpering like a wounded animal. My son's plane was just landing in San Francisco, he had to go back for work.  The day he died was on the anniversary of someone I lost many years ago that I loved.  

I am sitting here at home, the dishes are all dirty,  the Christmas tree and decorations are still up. I am eating whatever I can find that is easy to prepare.  Cookies and tea and chips. Oranges.   I feel as if I am being kicked in the stomach every few minutes.  He is gone. He is not sitting beside me on the couch. He is not calling for me to watch Wheel of Fortune with him.  He is not asking if I want some ice cream, hinting that he did and needing me to get it for him because he has Parkinson's and it is hard for him to stand or walk.  I get irritated with him. He wets in the floor instead of the bedside commode. He forgets to flush the bathroom commode, it is unpleasant. I have to change his diapers, sometimes they don't absorb well all the time and he wets the pads and the top sheet and his undershirt. I complain because I have to wash the bedding over and over. I get hateful sometimes . He begs me not  to get upset even when he does things that really upsets me. I say, I am just supposed to let you act any way and not say anything? I replay all of this in my mind over and over and I feel like I deserve being left alone. I feel like  I was really a bitch to him sometimes. He does not deserve the way I treat him at times.  I was aggravated at him the day he said he was hurting across his stomach.  He lay on the bed and I didn't see about him until I went in the room and he was half off the bed.  I had to get him back on and after taking his blood pressure and temperature I called an ambulance. They didn't act as if they thought he needed the hospital. They said what do you want us to do? I said, well I can't take him to the hospital, he is not able to walk so take him to the hospital.  For once I did the right thing, he was diagnosed with a UTI ,  pancreasitis and later sepsis. Everything went downhill from there.  They finally released him to rehab (too soon) While there for four days he was neglected and was found in the floor one morning. How he got out of bed I don't know.  I keep thinking, How long was he in the floor, was he calling for me to help him? Was he cold? He was delirious so they sent him to the ER. When I got there he was beside himself, talking out of his head, they had to put mitts on his hands that he tired desperately to get off. He pulled his cover off,  he had a catherer inserted. They inserted a feeding tube. He begged for food and water, the last thing he asked for was some watermelon. They discovered that he was bleeding internally. He had something called C Diff that causes diarrhea 10 or more times a day. It destroys the good bacteria in your stomach and the bad takes over and spreads all over your body. They had to remove the feeding tube because the liquid food was just staying in his stomach. The doctor recommended we place him on hospice since he wasn't strong enough to withstand tests to see why he was bleeding. At 84 years old any of the things he had gone through could have killed him.  We agreed and that  is when he left me.  He never called my name or spoke to me or my daughters again. We went to pieces because we felt that we were starving him to death. Everyone told us we were doing the right thing.  I don't know.  He was receiving morphine and ativan for his delirium.  At least he wasn't aware that he was dying. 

Now I look at the picture taken when we got married  and his happiness is shining in his face. He loved me with all his heart and soul, more than I did him.  But he is gone and I have nothing left but loneliness, guilt and the pain of missing him more than I could have ever dreamed possible. We had many happy years together, he was so good to me and to his three children, he never drank, never cursed, never looked at another woman, worked hard, sometimes out of town for weeks at a time.  Most of the time we moved with him. We lived in Fla, Colorado, Indiana and many other towns and enjoyed every minute of it. My kids learned to get along with all kind of kids and became more broadminded than if we had stayed in Ala. They have said how glad they were that we moved around like we did. We had a sailboat in Fla and spent many hours on the ocean. We hiked and camped and traveled to all the places close to where ever we were living at the time.  He worked until he was 75 as a construction supt. Then we moved back home bought an old farmhouse and got two cows and planted a garden. And then he got Parkinson's and our life changed drastically. Many times I felt resentful that his sickness had put a stop to all the things we enjoyed.  I did everything I could for him, bought anything that I felt would make his life easier.  He was doing very well, no shaking just weakness in his legs so that he had to use a walker and couldn't do much around the house.   

I had no idea that something so simple as a UTI would cause his death.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I have two chickens that I am neglecting, I am neglecting my house, I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to be around people because I can't talk without crying. It is embarrassing.  I had a security system installed and I sit locked inside my house with a gun under my pillow. I have never lived alone before.  For 57 years I had him to protect me and see that I was okay.  He cared what I talked about.  He liked when I dressed up.  Now I just don't care. I just don't care.

[martha jane]

Yesterday I went to veterans affairs to apply for a memorial for my husband's grave.  As soon as I pulled his death certificate from the envelope for the man to see, I burst into tears. I hate doing that. It makes the other person uncomfortable. I asked him to turn it face down, I couldn't stand to look at it.   Then I went down to the nursing home where my husband was sent for rehap. Why they sent him I don't know. He couldn't even stand up. When the man came to take him to rehab he was afraid of him and would not go. His mind wasn't working right. Why they sent him out of the hospital I don't know. After four days they let him fall out of bed. They found him in the floor and sent him back to the hospital. I want to get his records from there to see exactly what went on while he was there. I know he was neglected, I witnessed it myself and got very angry and upset.

Today I just sat. I didn't want to do anything, it is too hard. My daughter called and wanted me to go outside, the weather is nice and warm. I tried my best to keep her from knowing I had been crying but I finally had to tell her I was having a hard day and I began crying. I don't want to upset her. She is struggling with her daddy's death also. 

I just can't believe he is gone forever.  I was thinking about something I wanted to tell him when he got back. Each day gets worse instead of better. I went to lunch with some friends but I just wanted to come home. I have nothing to talk about except his death and after awhile nobody wants to hear about it, they want to have a nice happy lunchtime together. I am a drag when I go.

I feel so tired and lonely. Everywhere I look I see things he did. He had a drawer where he kept things like his pocket knives and old keys. I placed the washcloths that I had put in his hands to keep him from tightning up his fists in the drawer and the pillow case that he slept on the last time before he went into the hospital. I did not wash it. It still smells like him.  I had bought him a lot of new undershirts and today I found some of his old ragged ones. I will put them in the drawer too. I have his word search book that he was working on when he began hurting still open to the page. Will I ever be able to move about this house and not see his handiwork.  His fingerprints are on some of the door facings where he would pull himself up or balance himself. I called the bank today and started crying when they asked me a question and I couldn't think. I don't call anyone for fear I won't be able to talk. I found a letter that he wrote me after we had been married a year or so. I had gone shopping and he was home so he wrote me a letter and mailed it to me. In it he said he hoped when we got old I could say that he had kept the vows we made when we married. And he did. I did not appreciate what I had enough and now I  can never express my appreciation for the wonderful life he made for me. 

I hope I am not repeating myself, I don't remember things very well anymore. I start to go somewhere and find I have to keep going back inside the house because I have forgotten some papers I need or get a list I made. I put them right where I can get them but I forget to pick them up. I have important papers all over the couch but I can't seem to put them together like they need to be. I don't feed the outside cat until the middle of the day and I don't bother to get the eggs my chicken lay and don't clean their coop like I should. It just doesn't matter much anymore.

[Autumn2]

I am so sorry for your loss. All of us here, can relate in one way or another. We all feel the pain, the grief,the guilt, the forgetfulness, you name it, we feel it. This has been the absolute best place...internet or local, to assist me in my overwhelming grief also. You did not say how long it has been. For me, eight weeks last sunday. You say you cried...every time I get on the phone and have to state my business my throat tightens up and at times I have to hang up. Monday, I had to go to the bank to sign some papers for transferring title papers for my hubby's car. I told myself numerous times I will not cry...guess what I cried buckets...so much the asst. manager (who was very nice) asked me if I would like to take some time to compose myself. So see it happens to many of us. You mention you want to get records from hospital and rehab. You have a right to these...get them...they may help or hurt but you will always wonder. My hubby died of septic shock caused by a kidney stone. He was not diagnosed or treated in a timely manner and this certainly contributed to his desth. I got the records and have been working with the hospitals Risk Management to hopefully see that changes are made so this doesnt happen to someone else. They (the hospital) admit they did not follow protocol.  I am not in it in any way for monitary reasons and I think that is why the hospital is being so open with me. Btw, hubby seemed fine, walked in at ten am and died at 0233 the next morning.That is how fast sepsis can take you down. Hugs to you and your family.

[Autumn2]

I am sorry I responded to the earlier post. UTI and CDiff can definitely cause sepsis. Check out Sepsis Alliance on Facebook or Google. I have become somewhat very educated about this. My hubby also had Parkinson's but was doing pretty well. We will have been married 52 years on February 6th. He died December 4, 2016. Lots in common for us in this "club" no one wants to be a member of. Again hugs.

[martha jane]

My husband will have been gone two months on Feb 13th. He also had sepsis. I think they discharged him from the hospital too soon. Sepsis  was the primary diagnosis along with UTI, acute pancreatitis, thrombocytopenia, encephalopathy circulatory collapse, acute on chronic diastolic heart failure. It was all supposed to be cured when they sent him to rehab. Yet his death certificate reads heart failure and sepsis. It really upsets me to think they let him leave the hospital. But he's gone and nothing will bring him back. I guess it was just his time to go. I just wish we hadn't put him on hospice so soon, but the doctor thought we  should. Maybe he could have talked to us but I know he would have been afraid. Before he got so confused he told us that he knew we wouldn't believe him but he was going to die. We reassured him that he wasn't. I reminded him of our anniversary and told him he had to get well and buy me a present. He began singing one day and he sang How great thou art and draw me nearer Blessed Lord. He lived for 14 days on hospice with no water or food. I think he starved to death. It was a terrible terrible time that my kids and I went through seeing him. He lay with his mouth wide open and eyes closed and never moved again. I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy. It feels like he deserted me because he never spoke to me again. 

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, martha jane said:

I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy. It feels like he deserted me because he never spoke to me again. 

I know I feel like this quite often.  Rationally I know it wasn't his choice to cause me so much pain.  But there have been times I've cussed him out for it.  I know he would understand.  You're right, Martha, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, martha jane said:

Many times I felt resentful that his sickness had put a stop to all the things we enjoyed.  I did everything I could for him, bought anything that I felt would make his life easier.

This is a very telling statement.  It tells me that you did have a good life with him.  It also tells me it was the sickness, as an intruder, that you resented...not him.  It tells me that you did all you could for him, you cared for him, you were devoted to him.

None of us are perfect.  We all get tired, worn out, some of us don't like changes, although we try to flow with them as much as we can, but when illness strikes, it is such a huge change that it's hard to deal with.  

This is a hard journey at best.  If your tree is artificial it can stay up all year.  If it's a real tree you might want to have someone take it down before it gets any dryer.  Get some paper plates.  Buy some t.v. dinners.  Simplify as much as you can during this time, right now it's sapping all your energy just to breathe through the day.

I'm glad you're here, you're not alone.

[scba]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

This is a very telling statement.  It tells me that you did have a good life with him.  It also tells me it was the sickness, as an intruder, that you resented...not him.  It tells me that you did all you could for him, you cared for him, you were devoted to him.

 

I did the same for him, felt the same about his sickness. I thought love could defeat it. Our love. Love would be stronger. We were stronger.

Until that day.

I was wrong. I feel cheated. Still. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I am so very sorry that you lost your dear husband and had to live through the agonies of his last week's.  Nothing I can say can take away the pain or make you feel better, I wish I could do that for you.  Losing a life partner is not something that we will overcome completely but there are many people here who started one moment at a time that can offer support and guidance.  This forum, all the wonderful grief family that I have found here, have made my journey a little less frightening and a little more comforting moment by moment and day by day.  While it is not a group that anyone wants to join it has been a life saver for me.  Hugs to you Martha Jane. ?

[martha jane]

Autumn I will be thinking about you tomorrow.   I hope you can find comfort in the fact that you had 50+ years with him.

 

[kayc]

Martha Jane, what a beautiful picture of the two of you!  I bet he knew how much you appreciated him, the truth is we could never tell them enough how much we love them, but it was understood all the same.

 

Autumn, today is your anniversary.  You're in my thoughts as you go through this day, I pray the love you share comforts you.

[Autumn2]

Thank you kayc. Yes today is the day. 52 years ago...I can hardly believe it. Back then we never thought about that far ahead. Glad we didnt and only had stars in our eyes.