2 months later

[AB3]

Can't believe it's been 2 months already since I lost the love of my life. It all still feels so crazy to me and just so unreal in a sense. My life is completely empty without him and most days I don't know how to keep going but yet the world keeps spinning on around me.I hate spending every day alone....I hate the silence....I hate existing without him. How unfair is it to fall so deeply in love with someone....to find your best friend the person who completes you in every way possible just to be forced to "exist" without them. We were a packaged deal. 

I miss my life with him. Was it perfect? No. Did we always see eye to eye on everything? No. But did we love each other unconditionally? Yes, without a doubt. I will never truly understand why this had to happen but here I am "existing" through yet another month......oooh the agony  

[Brad]

1 hour ago, AB3 said:

I miss my life with him. Was it perfect? No. Did we always see eye to eye on everything? No. But did we love each other unconditionally? Yes, without a doubt.

It is that unconditional requited love that brings us so much pain.  I am hoping that with time the hurt will also bring with it warmth in knowing that we loved and we were loved; unconditionally.

[Widowedbysuicide]

? I'm sorry that you are feeling so incomplete.  I am still feeling that way ater 13 months.  We just have to keep going.

[Gin]

Sorry you are feeling so empty.  I am still feeling so lost at 16 months.  Here's hoping we all will feel a little better eventually.

[kevin]

AB3....you are at the point I actually began to feel that the Journey had a chance..Stay the course, and don't be afraid to get involved in the new "normal"....It sucks for all of us, but it does get better...kevin

[kayc]

On 2/10/2017 at 7:21 AM, AB3 said:

I will never truly understand why this had to happen but here I am "existing" through yet another month......oooh the agony  

I concluded after my husband died that there wasn't a "why"...or if there was I guess I missed it.  The adjusting to life without them is so hard, probably the hardest thing you'll ever be called upon to do, but you are doing it and it will become easier eventually, even though you'll continue to miss him, it won't hurt so friggin much.

[Margm]

On 2/10/2017 at 9:21 AM, AB3 said:

.I hate existing without him

I wasn't going to exist without him.  I had my plan.  I am old.  I even figured my folks left behind could miss me and Billy all at once and "get it over with."  Did not think of any of the bills, insurance, what if's, it just was a done deal.  I would go so far out in the woods no one would find me till deer season, but then something hit me, I don't understand enough about religion to know if I'd follow him or not.  I should understand, as many years as I was in the church I should have a PhD in it.  Doubt came to my mind.  Three days after his death (there, I said the word), I found this forum.  It literally saved my life. but I found a relief in losing my breath in crying, it would be so easy to just quit, not exactly a suicide, it could be accidental.  I screamed into pillows twice.  Damn, that hurt my head.  I don't like to physically hurt, my heart split in thousands of pieces was pain enough.   Since then I have read articles and books of widowers or widows.  None brought Billy back, but knowing how others felt, their feelings being the same or near enough to mine helped in a very tiny small way.  They were still living  years after their spouse's death did not actually give me hope, but existing was necessary, until it wasn't. 

I hear movement in my apartment and Billy naturally comes to mind, but when that happens I think you stupid witch, he's gone.  I don't dwell on it.  It just happens ever so often.  We were married 54 years yet we never came into the bathroom (my rule) when the other was in there.  It was okay with Billy, but I only did it if we had one bathroom and I had to have something.  What was weird was waking up every morning and walking into the bathroom and seeing his skinny long white legs sitting there. He was not there, but I envisioned I saw him, for just an instant.  I don't do that any more.  We have such strange phenomenons happen to us, but one thing we have to do, we have to keep going, till we cannot.