An Adult Orphan

[Ann B]

My father just died on the 13th of March. I am an only child and am 36 (he was 59). It was pretty unexpected (even though he had chronic health problems, we didn't think they were fatal). My mom is in a nursing home and is pretty bad off from a brain tumor. (She cannot move - has to be fed and wears diapers, etc.)

I so hate to sound like a victim, but this hurts so bad I cannot stand it. I'm single, which has never bothered me until now. My daddy was my rock and I just feel so cheated.

I've cried enough to fill up a river, yet it doesn't seem to bring relief. Any ideas on how to get through the day? I know in my head and heart that he is in a better place, but me being selfish - I want him here, darn it!

[tootie]

Ann B,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. There is not much to say to a person at this time to ,ake them feel better, but I would like to tell you that you have made one large step to healing by comming here & posting.

Everyone here has helped me greatly, & one thing I have learned over the past 3 years, is to take one day at a time. Some days will be better than the rest, yet the pain will still be heavy on our hearts.

Best wishes,

Tootie

[FUNNYFACE]

Ann I am a only child too and know how you feel.... .Tootie was right....you have come to the right place...I have found that out....hear you can really let all of yor feelings and emotions out and NO ONE will judge you...that God for this site in the middle of the night when I can't sleep....

We will all make it through this terrible time together....

Welcome....

Elaine

[shubom]

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my father 6 years ago, and I lost my mother 3 months ago. I'm still in shock. I'm almost 30 yrs, single and an orphan. I was 23 yrs old when my dad died and for the first 2 years after, I tried my hardest to meet a guy, get married and have kids. I didn't want my mom to be alone. I wanted to extend our family, and give her a grandchild just to see her smile. She always loved kids. But that never happened. I never met the right guy, and now she's gone. She would always tell me that things like that took time. And I believed her. But what difference does it make now. She will never get to see her grandchild (if I have any). And this makes me so sad !

[Bridget]

After reading your post I asked my husband who lost his father when he was 23 what he thought.

He told me to tell you that even after 30 years his father still comes to him in his dreams and tells him it will be okay.

These dreams have become a source of comfort to him even 30 years later.

My own experience has been when I visit the grave of my 24 year olds best friend - I always feel his presence and get the sense that he is watching over my son - and it will be okay.

My aunt who just died told us just before she went that "It is OK and to stay Positive". I try to remember this advise when I hit the low moments. Keep coming back - with sharing comes healing.

[Ann B]

Thank you everyone. I've noticed that each day is getting a little better - not that I don't miss him, but I'm more at peace with it.

I have felt his presence quite a bit - I've even caught myself thinking like he would have, which is weird - I don't know if I'm just emulating him or if he is guiding me.

I had skin cancer surgery the morning that my father passed away, so I didn't find out until after the surgery what had happened. I have felt his presence being very concerned about me. Luckily, everything has turned out ok there - the cancer was in very early stages and the prognosis is excellent. It was strange - the actual procedure went smoother than anything I have ever had done medically. He was really worried before the day, so I can't help but think that he had a "hand" in the surgery.

I also feel this very powerful feeling of love - from him, much stronger than I ever felt when he was alive (even when I was physically with him). Has anyone else had this happen?

[Maylissa]

Ann,

I had this happen with my deceased brother, of all people. I say this because we weren't what you'd call close, plus we'd been estranged for about 14 years, until the last 6 months of our Mother's life when we started communicating again. And yet, when I'd have dreams of him, he was always, in every single one, emanating such 'vibes' of support and caring for me, his little sister. It was so strange, such an unusual and unprecedented way for me to perceive him, that that was one of the most pronounced ways I could tell this was an actual visitation and not just some construct of my dreaming subconscious. It was, in a word, totally unexpected....but delightful! Also strangely, I actually had more dreams with him in it in some way than I've even had about my Mom, who I was much closer to and had more emotional ties to. Although, I also have to say that I've had a couple of very noteworthy 'dreams' of my Mom, where the same thing was felt as you've described.....love much more definitive and powerful than it ever was when she was here, emanating from her, from me to her, and back to me again.

Edited April 2, 2006 by Maylissa

[amanda]

ann b

Im so sorry to hear about your dad,with your mum being sick as well it must be so hard.

I am 36 too i lost my dad 12 years ago and my mum 10 months ago,i wish i could offer you some sound advice but im a bit of a screw up right now.

the only thing i can tell you is the people on here are great and manage to bring a smile to my face.

hang in there ann.

my thoughts are with you

from amanda

[jodietunnell]

hi i am so sorry for your loss i lost my dad five yrs ago and i lost my mom last week and i feel your pain i woulnt have gotten through this without my kids giving me a reason to live everyday one day at a time and also with gods help you are not being selfish i felt that way also but you will get through this in your own time just hang in there.

[Paul S]

Alone, lost and without guidance, at least of the unique parental kind. No matter how old you are, it hurts like heck not to have a parent around. Just the opportunity to have access to their advice is comforting. Now its gone forever.

[Maylissa]

Just wanted to add something, about parental guidance. It's funny, with all the talk I've seen on boards about this being one of the biggest aspects of missing a parent, it's not something I even relate to, though I can imagine it. Neither of my parents ever really gave me advice, or at least none that I thought was any good, and for the most part, I was right. Their worldviews were not good for me and I still struggle with trying to undo many of those messages ( though they're ingrained far more than I'd like! ) and since their advice ( or demands, when it came to my dad ) was based on those scewed views, it was often detrimental to living a better life. But the point is, despite not having, or missing that, the missing aspect is still there, at least about my Mom. ( dad's still alive, but I don't care )So even for those of us who didn't have the most healthy or positive relationships with our parents, my experience is that we can miss them all the same.

[Paul S]

Hi, M, I think we've talked about this wayback. It may be some strange sense of comfort of having a parent around, that at least there's the potential, however unrealized in reality, that they may be able to give us some profound, reality-shaking advice. A wistful hope for perfect parents?

[Maylissa]

Paul,

For me, I think it was just that "wistful" hope of finally having my Mom love me more and better than she did. For my dad, there never was and never will be that hope -- he made that abundantly clear from the time I was 5, onward...guess I can take small comfort from not having to go through the same grief when he goes...there's always an 'upside', even if it's rather twisted.

[Ell]

Just wanted to add something, about parental guidance. It's funny, with all the talk I've seen on boards about this being one of the biggest aspects of missing a parent, it's not something I even relate to, though I can imagine it. Neither of my parents ever really gave me advice, or at least none that I thought was any good, and for the most part, I was right. Their worldviews were not good for me.

So even for those of us who didn't have the most healthy or positive relationships with our parents, my experience is that we can miss them all the same.

Hi Maylissa and Everyone,

I can relate to all of that. My parents loved me the best that they were capable of but they were not good sources of guidance for me at all. I've spent many years learning to deal with people and life on a very different level than they were able to. That doesn't mean I miss them any less though.

Hugs,

Ell

P.S. I hope you didn't mind me making your original post shorter in order to quote it. Also, I hope I did that right.

[Paul S]

I posted this over in "Behaviors in Bereavement's" topic "Now What?" by shell, but I think its more appropriate here. We can't delete our posts, I guess, or else I would've and just posted it here, and I hope it doesn't violate any board policy. I have just felt this past week, and especially today, lost without Mom. I feel like a little kid who'se lost in the mall and can't find Mommy. I also started missing my Dad, and he's been dead 10 years. But Mom especially. Too many grief attacks this week. But, here's the copy-and-paste of the other topic:

For some reason today I awakened and got up earlier than usual (post-Mom death) and managed to get my morning routine (Prayer, breakfast, and, umm, other stuff) done early. Had some hours to spend 'frivolously' so, despite gas prices I went for a drive. Nice, bright sunny day, picture postcard perfect.

I live in a rural county in central New York and it has rolling hills and valleys and very nice vistas. Nice place to get away, and be by yourself. Not quite like going away to the mountains, but still, an early morning jaunt around sounded nice. So I drove out and about and stopped at a park and saw for miles and miles.

It was nice. A little melancholy for a bit when I was wandering back to the car, I remember doing the same thing when Mom was alive, although I'd usually wait until she was up and settled in for her day. I felt a little bad, partly because back then I would leave and go for these drives just to escape a bit. That made me feel a little guilty, but a voice inside me said that I deserved from time to time back then to do this, to get out and recharge or refresh.

I miss my Mom, couldn't tell her about the little drive, wondered what she might've said about when she and Dad lived and whether they spent any time around the parts I drove through, and what they did there.

I think I'll head back on out soon, go for another drive before heading to the job.

Well, it's 2 hours later, I'm back from the drive, so I'll just do a 'quick edit'.

I didn't go that far out of town, despite the sun and scenery. "Gas price reality" set in and I realized that I can't go around joy riding. Not that there's much joy to ride.

I went out a ways, turned around and noticed that the route back into town would take me past the cemetary. So I decide to pay Mom and Dad a visit. I doubt anyone's noticed, but I changed my signature to include Dad.

I notice upon arriving that the hostas are doing great. Mom and I planted them a few years ago to replace something that wasn't doing well there. Despite the fact that hostas prefer shade, these guys are doing just incredible in full sun. So well that just last year, my Mom's last time there to help me plant, she had me dig up half of each hosta to transplant back at the house, near the patio. I wonder how they're doing now? I'll never know. The hostas were originally from what is now the 'old' backyard.

In a few weeks I'll put in the plants that Mom would always get for Dad's grave. Just this year I'll be doing it alone, and for her, too. No one to help me, or to tell me what to do and how, despite that I know.

And then it hit me. A full blow grief attack. I cried. I moaned again about how alone I am. I begged God, implored Him to call me home, to be with Mom and Dad. This was for like the 1,000th time since Mom died. He stubbornly refuses to cooperate. Then a crazy thought about how would I be buried? No money! Not that I care, toss me in a garbage bag and haul me away to the county dump for all it matters, it's not like I need a grave for anyone to visit. I can claw my way out of the dump during the Resurrection just as easily as I can from a gravesite. Then I remembered the small inheritance that's coming next month sometime. Enough to have a cheap casket and a funeral very few will attend, and then a small plot, near Mom and Dad if possible, and a bunch of $ left over to pay the Church in gratitude, and the local Hospice. The things one thinks of. Ooops, need a Will to direct all that, so that's on the agenda for next month.

So this is what I do sometimes in the aftermath of a death. I pine away and dream of being with the loved ones. ... but I just needed to babble on this.

Boy, I miss my Mom. Things were better then. I don't know when I'll ever have a home again. I have a nice place to live now, but its not a home.

I'm 43 years old, a guy, and I'm crying in a cemetary, missing my parents.

Edited May 4, 2006 by Paul S

[Maylissa]

Paul,

Well, you're wrong....I DID notice ( the sig. change ), and wondered what it was about...

[Paul S]

Maybelle,

I said I was starting to miss him too. Long story. Oh, I got some time before I have to return to the Church Chores. (Hey! Neat name for my job.)

He and I didn't get along much during life. Quite often yes, quite often no. Generational, religious, whatever. Fathers and sons.

As I get to become a cranky old poop myself, and especially after I reverted to the Catholic Church 4 years ago, (a revert is somebody who was Catholic, then left, then came back. Sorta like a convert.) I have become more like him in worldview, and so forth. He can build things with his hands, while hammers, nails and screwdriver sometimes confuse me, so I've got a ways to go in that deptartment, but in the eternal essentials, he and I are alike now.

Hence, I miss him.

I told my grief counselor that I'm trying to incorporate his death in with my Mom's, griefwork speaking, as I was drinking wayback then.

He asked, "How're you going to do that?"

I respond, "I dunno. I just will."

It just comes.

[shell]

Paul,

I know how lost and hopeless you are feeling, especially with the anniversary of your moms death and Mothers Day coming up, not to mention the other stuff going on in your life. And wanting to join your parents is a normal response. However, you are not thinking of one thing. That someday some girl is going to come along and snap you up. Life will not always be this lonely. And you will have a home and good fortune. I believe that alll of us have been dealt enough blows that we are almost surely going to be given something hopeful in the future. Maybe not tomorrow, or even next month, or even this year, but eventually. We just have to survive and hang in until it comes. And we will all be in a place (from the emotional growth that grief seems to bring) to have it mean more to us than it would have before our tragedies.

Hang in there tight,

Shell

[Paul S]

Thanks shell, I know. I am aware enough in this 'grief response' that I am going to be going thru this stuff, even after things ease up, prob next month. Different feelings to match changing circumstances, but its just a sign of human weakness, I guess, that when overwhelmed, one teeters a bit. Actually, due to the fact that things may be a little better sometime next month after the estate is settled, I feel as if I am being nibbled to death by minnows. Minnows with piranha teeth, maybe. But just little persistant annoying bothers.

This too shall pass.

[shell]

Paul,

After my dad died, I, of course grieved for him first. But about six or seven months later, I started thinking of EVERYONE who I had cared about that had died and went into deep grieving for them too. Some were never properly grieved to begin with (as I now know, but didn't realize at the time) and some I just re-grieved. It felt like I was ripping out my guts (ugh, sorry to be so gory) but in the "end" (if there ever is truly and end) I felt healed in some way. So, grieving for your dad along with your mom can be done and will be a good thing.

Huggy,

Shell

[Paul S]

I am kind of going into that phase right now, about grieving for others who have died. Right now its 2: a sister who passed away in 1988, and a friend that I knew since kindergarten thru high school and a couple years in college. He died of leukemia in 1995, a few months before my Dad. They're buried near each other, so I've already kind of been grieving for him, what with the ease of visiting his gravesite. I like to think that up in Heaven, he's teaching Dad how to play golf, and Dad is taking him to Yankee games, seeing Ruth and Gehrig and Mantle, etc.

It's tough not being a kid again.

[shell]

I know. I long to be 5 years old again. Maybe that's why my mind seems to be regressing? hahahaha. I know that, most days, I'm 5 years old emotionally, that's for sure, even though I put on this tough, takin' care of business, strong facade.