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Hi all.. It's been awhile since I have been on here.. still have waves of grief that knock me down. I just keep getting back up. lol

Somedays I feel glutton for punishment.. lol... I think of you all often.. I hope you are all doing well, or at least the best you can today.

I miss Kev every single day.

I went to the wedding in Co.. it was beautiful. It was his side of the family.. they were so very kind and gracious to me.

The ceremony had a part about "these are the hands of your friend".. it got to me ...lovely ...lovely wedding. I was proud to be a part of it.

Got to see my little love bug.. my little Evelyn.. my grand daughter.. she just turned one in May. My brother in laws family has a little girl too. She 

turned one in Jan.. they were so cute together.

Had a gorgeous view of the foothills to the Rockies at the house I rented. That was very

therapeutic. I spent most of my time on the deck enjoying the view.

I had a crappy date recently.. I guess it's gonna happen as I try to navigate whatever life I have.

I have started a ballroom dancing class.. and have done some yoga.. so I am trying to stay somewhat active. I am also doing some projects 

around the house. I miss Kev's wise guidance and his protection..his love and well.. just everything..

 

Well.. enough chatter.. let me know how ya'll are.. peace & hugs , Marie.

 

 

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Marie Lee,

I'm glad things went well, the beautiful wedding, the sights, getting to see your granddaughter.

Crappy dates is another reason I avoid it like the plague.  I never did enjoy the dating scene and it's been too many years.  It would be nice to have more friends, male or female.

Not sure how much you've read on here lately, I took a fall 8 weeks ago tomorrow.  Very bad.  Trying to heal from it, not sure how much I will.  Some permanent nerve damage to toes, messed up knees, dealing with pain and lack of sleep and money concerns over it.

I go through my days continuing to look for what is good in it.  I don't try to weigh it against the bad, comparisons never seem to help anyway, I take the good for its own value.

Good luck, look out for the frogs that come your way!

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Ball room dancing is a great way to get out there........I was involved last Fall and I enjoyed it..., now I know dance floors flow counter clockwise....Spent 50 years bumping into people...Still very beat challenged....Sure is Hot..........., Kay, looks like 100 next 7 days......

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12 hours ago, kevin said:

now I know dance floors flow counter clockwise....Spent 50 years bumping into people...

:lol:

They keep predicting 80s and it continues being 90s!  Ugh...talked to my friend in TX last night, it's been over 100 there but she has A/C (I don't).  Still, I prefer heat to winter, I'd be in a world of hurt if there was snow to shovel right now.

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KayC, I got Springfield at 89 today with me at 98.......next 7 days...Just finished pulling weeds and putzing last two hours....Already sweating....Clipping Roses, then that is it for the day........everyone drink fluids and take it easy........We are at 99 now( 3 PM Pacific), taking it easy now......

Edited by kevin
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We've been higher than Eugene/Springfield every day, higher than their predictions.  It's gotten so we add 7 degrees to whatever they say.  I hope you have A/C!  I open the windows at night and close them in the morning, but it still gets too hot in here in the daytime.  At least I don't have to haul wood and shovel snow right now so I'll stand the heat!  

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The heat is awful here in Florida..

Doing my best to keep on rolling ...

Someone on another website mentioned visualizing our future and that's where we end up.. hmmm..thinking on that one..

Everyone:Pls remember you are not alone , we are here and you are loved !

Take care Peeps! 

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I had a break from here too of five or six weeks but found myself drawn back here.  It's weird because I sometimes feel that I don't want to be on this forum....not because people aren't friendly and understanding [the opposite is true, and I do usually find it therapeutic to talk on here and read],  but because....I don't know, I find it hard to explain....it kind of feels like there's something wrong with me. Which is kind of true I suppose. I guess I'm not making any sense, I'm just rambling so I'll shut up now lol!!!!!!!

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I've had some intimate to me that I'm somehow prolonging my grief by coming here.  I don't find that to be true at all.  I've worked through my grief, I'm still learning, but then I find all of life a lesson and something in it for me.  My grief would be inside of me whether I come here or not.  Here I find understanding and support and am inspired by all of you, even when you don't find yourselves inspiring.  You're all my heroes whether you see it or not.

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Love the people here and I hope it's ok to come back once in awhile to check in on everyone ... we all have shared so much and understand the struggle to find a way to navigate life after the loss of our partner..

And yes, Dr Lenera we are all a mess... I think that may be my new normal..

hugs, Marie

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Marie,

Of course it's okay to check in with us!  I hope you will!

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Thanks Kay, How are feeling? I hope the healing from your fall is progressing and maybe you're getting around a little better.

I am still trying to carve out some form of an existence alone these days. Kind of feel like a boat adrift on the open sea unmanned and not anchored ....

Still doing ballroom dancing .. it's therapeutic...and going to a few local meetups. Joined a group at a trivia the other evening. It was fun.

There are still days I sleep too much. Nights I lie awake.. and of course Kev fills my heart and mind always... I keep thinking how unfair this all is. Me without him..

The kids and grandkids miss him ... such a huge void in all of our lives...

I am making small headway.. ordered air conditioner filters .. I finally noticed the size listed on the outside of the unit. Kev used to make them out of a frame he rigged to save $...I thought I was going to have to figure out how to do that but then I found the size and ordered them online. Small victories...

Figured out the ink cartridges on our printer ...

Will have to get a new riding lawn mower soon .. the one we have is old and Kev fixed all the little nuances so it would last. I don't mind mowing but I can't fix this old thing... my brother in law is mowing currently .. I pay him to mow. After the summer heat..I will address the issue and start back mowing.There is a bit of therapy to yard work for me. It's about time to get back into that groove..

It's the one hundred million little things isn't it??

Missing Kev every single day in every single way and I always will.

Sending out hugs my friends...

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I'm healing, little by little.  I still have a little pain, especially when moving my knee to the sides, but I'm able to some so I know it's improving.  I also still have pain to the touch but it's lessened greatly, I just took a really good beating, it's taking time to heal.  

I had to let George's riding lawnmower go to the scrap man, it broke and I couldn't get anyone to fix it.  I'm pretty sure George would have, but no one else has that interest.  :angry:  The man who was mowing my lawn messed up the transmission on his riding lawnmower and since I'm on a hill he doesn't want to go at it in 4th gear (that's all he has right now).  I was about to call a lawn-care outfit when they shut down mowing because of extreme weather conditions so I'm afraid it's a moot point this year.  The "field" in back is starting to lay down.  Not great for fire danger.  I'm praying for rain at this point it's not looking likely.  Yesterday they predicted 97 and I got 104.  Today they predict 102 so I hope that doesn't mean I get 109.  They've been under-predicting for weeks now.

I'm glad you're enjoying ballroom dancing.  I've never danced (I grew up in a church that was against it) but kind of wish I'd learned it, it looks so much fun and great exercise!

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On ‎07‎/‎28‎/‎2017 at 8:53 AM, kayc said:

I've had some intimate to me that I'm somehow prolonging my grief by coming here.  I don't find that to be true at all.  I've worked through my grief, I'm still learning, but then I find all of life a lesson and something in it for me.  My grief would be inside of me whether I come here or not.  Here I find understanding and support and am inspired by all of you, even when you don't find yourselves inspiring.  You're all my heroes whether you see it or not.

So many people don't understand grief at all.  We're in it and we don't understand it, but we feel it and know that a site like this could never prolong this thing, but could only help relieve some of the distress.  It's that old thing of ignore it and it will go away, which it won't.....gotta feel it, that's what I'm always being told by my counselor and what I have been fighting since the day he died.  It's hard enough to let yourself feel the feelings without people reinforcing that you should run away from them.....hugs Cookie

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20 hours ago, Marie Lee said:

Hi Kay..Yea dancing is fun...

Glad you're healing...

Never heard of not being able to mow due to regs.. I guess Florida is always hot ... so maybe that's why..

I hope you get rain .. maybe we should all do a rain dance ;-)

Take care!

We went three months w/o rain last summer so this is nothing new.  One spark from a lawnmower or chainsaw could start a whole forest fire...can and does.  They're strict about their restrictions, and if a person causes a fire, they're responsible for it, bankruptcies don't alleviate it.  It's a rest of your life debt.

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2 hours ago, TomPB said:

They tell me to "feel it" too and I tell them LOL I don't know how to do anything else it's not a choice  

 

Right on. As if we have a say so in the matter. It always comes back to, "If they only knew". And they don't know. They have no clue what our daily lives look like now. They're used to the "old" us that we were before the worst day in our lives. They see us for a few minutes or a few hours with our mask on and think "Wow, Tom sure is doing great". We ought to invite them along to see 24 hours in the life. Introduce them to our new reality. 

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Good one Tom pb.. you hit it right on ... definitely feeling it..

Kay... Makes sense...a couple of months ago during a drought season we had here.. we had a fire started due to someone burning books... how crazy is that person to burn books in the heat and when banned due to drought?

SMH... 

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Hi Marie!!! I haven't posted here in awhile. Sometimes I come here and read. I'm doing ok....I guess. The last week or so has been rough. I'm sure it's because on Aug 16 would have been Rich's and I's 10th Anniversary. We were supposed to go back to Vegas. That is where we got married. In a limo, in the drive-thru wedding chapel. It was so fun.

I'm still dating the same guy. He also lost his love of 20 years. We have been dating since 12/31/16. Things are going pretty good. My youngest daughter, who is 17, still struggles with me dating. She thinks I should be alone for the rest of my life. yes, she told me this. I told her, that I do not want to be alone. I'm very happy. Yes, I miss Richard every single day and think about him all the time. As I know Bill misses his girlfriend as well. In the beginning of this relationship it was really hard. Now it's still hard but I'm the one left here and I love him.

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Hi Polly! I am happy to hear you have Bill :-)...

I am sorry your daughter is not happy for you.. she is young.. maybe in time...she'll get it.

The limo wedding at Vegas sounds like it was fun! Hugs for the upcoming anniversary...Aug 16 was my Kev's birthday and then this September would have been our 30th.

All we can do is all we can do - sending love your way .. 

Marie

 

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Polly,

I'm so glad you have someone to be with, I realize as all of us do how hard it is being so alone all the time, and I'm sure it helps that he's been through it too and understands.  When kids are 17 they are self-centered like babies are, that's just part of where they're at at that age, it takes maturity to develop the ability to see from another's perspective and have empathy, she'll get there.  That and she's grieving her dad and probably sees anyone else as an intruder and imposter.  I agree with Marie, I think she'll come around in time, but it's your life and you only get to live it once.  I wish you the best!

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Thanks Marie and Kay. My 25 year old daughter pretty much said the same thing about her sister. She still isn't fully mature. Also my older daughter reminded me of how Nicole treated Richard in the beginning and for many years. She was mean to him. It was just the last few years that they started to get along. Yes, I have to do what is best for me.

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