Visiting Favorite Special Places

[TomPB]

My favorite activities involve water. Sailing on it, swimming in it, sitting on the beach and looking at it, visiting the Virgin Islands and Provincetown. For a long time I did these things with Susan, which made them infinitely better. So now the question is, do I like them enough to enjoy them without her, especially the ones that were special to us, when every memory of our happy times mainly brings up the pain of her loss?

Last friday I took the ferry to Ptown and the shuttle boat to Long Point, our favorite special beach. I was afraid to go there on earlier trips. This is really facing the fire. 
 
First, I hate traveling alone. I’m concious that everyone is in couples or groups. Maybe a group will surround me and talk ignoring me. If I get up there’s nobody to save my seat. Nobody to share any nice things to see or memories of past trips. Anyway this did not bother me on the ferry as much as it has on some earlier solo trips.

The ferry follows the same route that we would take sailing, so I know it very well. I know all the buoys and landmarks that we would look for like old friends. Now there's nobody to tell when one was spotted, or maybe a whale. I know where we would have coffee and where we’d pump the holding tank. How we’d finally take down the sails with perfect teamwork and motor to the marina happy that we made it again. Once on our mooring, picked up with perfect teamwork, we’d be content to lounge on the boat till we went in for dinner, just absorbing the beauty.

All those thoughts go through my mind on the ferry. As we entered the harbor and passed the marina I tried to remember which moorings we’d been on in past visits.

Getting on the shuttle the crewperson said “just you?”. Yes, just me, the other passengers were couples. Riding the shuttle I thought about how I’d go with Susan. Our sailboat would be on a mooring. Susan had her procedure for how we’d arrange our beach chairs, life jackets & backpacks in the dingy. We’d head off on the 1.5 mile ride & she’d always remark on how much I like riding in the dingy. When we got there I’d jump out and push the dingy onto shore so Susan could get out and we’d drag it up on the beach a bit. I’d always take a picture to show that we were in our favorite spot again. We’d plant our beach chairs & settle down to a few hours of enjoying the sun and water. Heaven! I’d swim and Susan would not but I’d always look back and wave, and I could get her to wade a little. She thought NE water too cold.

The day was beautiful, despite a bit of cool wind, and I was able to enjoy it. The beach was not crowded so I did not have the pain of seeing lots of happy couples and groups. However I am acutely concious of my single beach chair that was always paired with Susan’s. There was an amazing river of tiny silver fish along the shore as far as I could see. It darkened the water to the point that originally I thought it was seaweed. Experiencing nature is helpful to my state of mind.

Boats going to Ptown harbor must pass Long Pt. As I watched any sailboat about our size (33’) I thought “that should be us”. I always thought the two of us sailing a little boat over a big ocean was a perfect metaphor for our lives. I thought of how right it felt to be sailing with Susan, and how devastating it is to be without her. 

Returning in the dingy, Susan did not like to step from the dingy into the cockpit, so we had a procedure of pulling it up tight against the stern and she would go up the swim ladder like a teenager. Then probably a coffee, dinner on the boat watching the sunset or launch to shore for a restaurant. Heaven. 

Return trip this time more of the same shuttle/ferry, beautiful ride, home to silence and a kiss for the urn holding her ashes, tears.

So it was basically good, with a lot of tears for the memories mentioned above. Do you visit your favorite places? Can you enjoy them?

[Eagle-96]

1 hour ago, TomPB said:

If I get up there’s nobody to save my seat. 

First off, I really got a sense of T & S with your story. The teamwork. The well oiled machine. The two parts coming together as one. Thank you for that. It brought tears to my eyes as I read it.

I also look at those ten words that bring so much reality and sadness to our situations. Such a simple phrase yet such a stark reminder of what we lost. Nobody to hold our place in line. Nobody to share a dessert at a restaurant with. Nobody to talk about our favorite show with. 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, TomPB said:

Do you visit your favorite places? Can you enjoy them?

Our favorite place to go was to the ocean.  There was a little motel where every room was decorated in a different theme, totally and completely.  Our favorite was "The Crow's Nest".  It was the only room upstairs and it had southern view, western view, and northern view.  It was perfect for us and it's where we spent our honeymoon and anniversaries.  I always planned to go back after he died.  Our first anniversary rolled around, I wasn't ready, I just couldn't do it.  Year after year went by, finally, I felt ready, I planned to go and take my dog.  I had reservations.  Instead I got my pink slip at work and decided to retire but it'd be a few years before I'd collect social security and living off my savings...money was an issue.  That same week I found out I needed a new roof, pronto!  I canceled my plans to go to our crow's nest.  A few years later I thought, it is time...lo and behold I discovered our place had been torn down.  I can't go back there again.  

They always had a guest book in the room and every time we went there we'd look up what we wrote the night we got married.  People didn't just sign the book, they wrote something in it.  We loved reading what people wrote.  It was so peaceful, contemplative.  See Vue, Yachats, Oregon.  Gone.

Perhaps it is fitting, nothing stays the same, and it wouldn't have been the same going there without George.  I'm not sure where to go now.  I still love the ocean, but it's not the same without him, it just really isn't.

[TomPB]

On 8/30/2017 at 9:19 AM, kayc said:

Our favorite place to go was to the ocean.  There was a little motel where every room was decorated in a different theme, totally and completely.  Our favorite was "The Crow's Nest".  It was the only room upstairs and it had southern view, western view, and northern view.  It was perfect for us and it's where we spent our honeymoon and anniversaries.  I always planned to go back after he died.  Our first anniversary rolled around, I wasn't ready, I just couldn't do it.  Year after year went by, finally, I felt ready, I planned to go and take my dog.  I had reservations.  Instead I got my pink slip at work and decided to retire but it'd be a few years before I'd collect social security and living off my savings...money was an issue.  That same week I found out I needed a new roof, pronto!  I canceled my plans to go to our crow's nest.  A few years later I thought, it is time...lo and behold I discovered our place had been torn down.  I can't go back there again.  

They always had a guest book in the room and every time we went there we'd look up what we wrote the night we got married.  People didn't just sign the book, they wrote something in it.  We loved reading what people wrote.  It was so peaceful, contemplative.  See Vue, Yachats, Oregon.  Gone.

Perhaps it is fitting, nothing stays the same, and it wouldn't have been the same going there without George.  I'm not sure where to go now.  I still love the ocean, but it's not the same without him, it just really isn't.

Very sad, kayc, I feel it. Torn down, what a metaphor. Hope you can enjoy the ocean some other way.

[Dr Lenera]

Now this is one thing I've kind of avoided doing. I want to go to 'our' places, it seems a good thing to do, but I just can't face doing it even though it's now over a year. Our favourite places to visit, our favourite restaurants [not that I'd want to eat alone anyway], our favourite pubs, our favourite beaches/parks etc, going to the theatre which she loved doing so much and I can't see myself ever wanting to go again...I've just avoided them. I did go away for a few days last September to a seaside town [I'm in the UK] we fell in love with and where we'd had holidays six times, but I was still in a daze from the death back then. I'm not sure I'd be able to go there now.

I'm just so pleased [if that's the right word] that our favourite restaurant/bar near where we lived changed hands a few weeks before she died and had a huge re-fit so it now looks nothing like the place we used to love. Otherwise I'm not sure I'd be able to handle walking past it two or three times a week [which I have to do due to its location].

It's silly really, and almost insulting to my Jo's memory. I want there to be a time when I can visit these places without fear and get some fulfillment out of it. Maybe I'm not doing so well as I thought.....

[Gwenivere]

I have no plans to ever revisit our favorite retaurants.  It's not because they have changed, it's because they were ours.   I tried take out twice from one and broke down on the drive home.  They are part of the past now.  So much time was spent there solving the our worlds problems an celebrating special dates.  Loss is so much more than thier physical presence.  They are reminders of when life was good.

[Margm]

On 8/29/2017 at 2:28 PM, TomPB said:

. Do you visit your favorite places? Can you enjoy them?

 

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 They are reminders of when life was good.

Tom, I admire your strength to return to your favorite places.  I cannot.  I cannot get in an RV again and travel.  I doubt I will go past the Texas/Louisiana state line.  Our RV, our truck always headed west.  We planned one time to head east and when we got in the truck, we automatically decided it would/could not be, so we headed west.  We loved Arkansas, but had bought the new RV to travel all over it.  My kids moved back to Hot Springs and insisted that I do the same.  Cannot do it.  In fact, as soon as humanly possible, I did what was advised against, I moved away from the state.  Everyone has their idiosyncrasies.  We do not all go down the same path.  I do not see myself returning except to see my kids, and I would prefer they come see me.  What is wrong and what is right, well, that is up to the person, you do what is right for you.  

In fact, I do totally opposite of what Billy and I would do together.  Would he approve?  I think he would.  

Gwen, you put the answer I share.   

[TomPB]

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

 

Tom, I admire your strength to return to your favorite places.  I cannot.  I cannot get in an RV again and travel.  I doubt I will go past the Texas/Louisiana state line.  Our RV, our truck always headed west.  We planned one time to head east and when we got in the truck, we automatically decided it would/could not be, so we headed west.  We loved Arkansas, but had bought the new RV to travel all over it.  My kids moved back to Hot Springs and insisted that I do the same.  Cannot do it.  In fact, as soon as humanly possible, I did what was advised against, I moved away from the state.  Everyone has their idiosyncrasies.  We do not all go down the same path.  I do not see myself returning except to see my kids, and I would prefer they come see me.  What is wrong and what is right, well, that is up to the person, you do what is right for you.  

In fact, I do totally opposite of what Billy and I would do together.  Would he approve?  I think he would.  

Gwen, you put the answer I share.   

Marg, it's a hard call. Our favorite places are also my favorites and I don't want to give them up. Also while the happy memories are now overwhelmed by the pain of loss, my grief counselor says getting to the happy memories is part of healing. 

On my first return to Ptown I avoided our favorite places and in subsequent trips I visited them, crying a lot. At home, at first I wouldn't even go to our regular food market/coffee place, and now I do. Now I can't go to the supermarket I went to right after 3/31; I think of it as part of losing Susan. As you say, everyone has a different path. My idea of what mine is could change tomorrow.

[kayc]

It took me eight years to be "ready" and then I lost my job and needed a new roof, couldn't afford to go.  When I was ready, it was too late, it's gone.  

[Margm]

Tom, somewhere on here is a picture of grief's path.  It is a twirling mass of lines overlapping and repeated.  We do what we have to do.  If it keeps hurting, we quit until maybe another time that we can visit and feel only peace.  I have strange places.  Our first apartment is still standing and I pass it often.  I remember our time there.  It does not hurt.  I am a strange animal.  

[Eagle-96]

I still go to our favorite Tex/Mex restaurant because we had so many great times there. I do not, however, go to our favorite sushi restaurant because we had so may great times there. There just doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. 

[TomPB]

3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I still go to our favorite Tex/Mex restaurant because we had so many great times there. I do not, however, go to our favorite sushi restaurant because we had so may great times there. There just doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. 

EXACTLY. Makes perfect grief sense.

[Eagle-96]

17 hours ago, TomPB said:

EXACTLY. Makes perfect grief sense.

It's like we, who have lost our soulmate, are speaking a language that we each understand and speak fluently. Sadly nobody outside of this terrible club has a clue what we are saying and they can't learn our language until they are on this side of the fence.

[kayc]

22 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I still go to our favorite Tex/Mex restaurant because we had so many great times there. I do not, however, go to our favorite sushi restaurant because we had so may great times there. There just doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. 

Marg posted it once, so did Marty I think, but if it's in Going Through Hell thread, I don't know how far back it'd be.

 

[MartyT]

[Eagle-96]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

Even if we posted the right-hand picture to describe what grief is like to those who have not gone through it they would still see it as the left-hand picture. Everyone on the outside desperately wants grief to be linear. They want so badly for us to have a set time-frame with pre-determined steps so that we can get back to being "ourselves". The truth they don't want to hear is that we will never be ourselves again.

[Margm]

10 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

The truth they don't want to hear is that we will never be ourselves again.

But Sean, unless they die first, one day they will remember.  It happened to me.  I said something wrong to a friend.  She never called me on it.  Still my friend, has helped me so very much.  We do not wish it on our friends but we know this secret...................one day...........unfortunately.

[Eagle-96]

7 minutes ago, Marg M said:

But Sean, unless they die first, one day they will remember.  It happened to me.  I said something wrong to a friend.  She never called me on it.  Still my friend, has helped me so very much.  We do not wish it on our friends but we know this secret...................one day...........unfortunately.

It makes me reflect on how I acted when I heard of co-workers, friend's relatives, or acquaintance passing away. Did I say the right things. Was I compassionate. Did I use platitudes. It's strange to think that people have a 50/50 chance of ending up in our shoes one day and they don't even see it coming.

[Margm]

Sean, I still don't know what to say.  All I can say is "No words help, prayer" and for some people that is not good enough.  But, we can say no words to help.  And, we now know that.  I wish we didn't.  

[kayc]

Here's another one I've seen...

[TomPB]

The destruction of our favorite special winter vacation place, the British Virgin Islands, by hurricane irma is a perfect metaphor for what has happened in my mind. Here are pictures of Susan on our boat moored at the Bitter End Yacht Club, and the BEYC today 🐼😪

[kayc]

Tom, I'm so sorry.  That's how I felt when I found out our special place had been torn down.    It's hard, so much devastation from Irma and Harvey, it's going to take a long time to build back.

[TomPB]

On 9/10/2017 at 10:37 AM, kayc said:

Tom, I'm so sorry.  That's how I felt when I found out our special place had been torn down.    It's hard, so much devastation from Irma and Harvey, it's going to take a long time to build back.

I can relate, KayC. Here is another, the shell on the right with the concrete in front is where we sat on many an afternoon.  Notice no leaves on the trees.

[kayc]

That is so sad.