Wanting To Say Hi And Intro

[thrashej]

Hello!

My name is Janice and I just now found this forum! My Dad is using HOV right now...outpatient now, soon to be inpatient...he has metastatic lung CA with brain mets. Diagnosed in Nov 05, given 6 mo to live. Chemo unsuccessful, so palliative care is what it is all about now. He has almost completely stopped eating and is getting very weak now.

I have only read a few posts so far but am convinced already that I will find a lot of support here. Some of the stories I have read have been so heartbreaking! You are all very strong people and I hope to gain some strength and support from you, and vice versa.

Anyway, good to be here!

[KathyD]

Hi Janice,

This place is great but I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Although my Dad was expected to survive he passed after a sudden negative reaction (4 days in the ICU) so I don't know if it's better to know what lies ahead and brace yourself for it or hope that the outcome will be as planned. Everyone here is very supportive and I do hope it helps you.

Kathy

[Kasey06]

We used hospice services for my grandfather. He was given 6 months to live back in 2001 from cancer as well, he passed just days after thanksgiving of that year. He didn't even make 3 months. He was VERY religious and knew what was waiting for him so there wasn't any fear or anything. I wouldn't say he gave up trying to live but once someone has accepted the fact they are dying they tend to go faster than planned. I made the mistake of distancing myself from him instead of spending all the time I could with him. I regret that now but it's too late. I know how much he loved me though and I know he knew I loved him.

My only piece of advice would be to spend all the time you can with him. Even if it's just sitting next to him as he naps, or being in the same room with him. Make the most of each day you have to spend with him, don't think "well I have 6 more months" because you never know. It's hard seeing the person you care about fading away but at that point it's not about you really and how your feeling, it's about the person dying. It's kinda like you become the parent and take care of them like they always did for you. Just live each day with him so you can't regret it once the persons gone.

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

Hi Janice,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time now. My mom passed away a couple years ago from cancer when I was 20 years old, I was very close toher. I understand what you must be feeling now. You seem very strong.

When I look back, there are some questions I wish I had asked my mom, like advice on the future. Let him know how much you love him and don't think about the time limits doctors give you.

You have to remember that he is still here, on this earth, and thinking about what may or may not happen only subtracts from the opportunity to make new memories.

If your father is eating in small quantities, I believe it will help him keep up his strength if the small portions he eats are full of nutrition. For example, Ensure is very good, and surprisingly we found Noni juice and fruit were very good.

[

[FUNNYFACE]

Hi Janice....I am also sorry to hear that you have to seek out this site.....you are right....there are alot of caring people on this site and we have all gone through what you are going through....I lost my Father in March 05 after 15 yrs with Alzheimers and lost my Mother Sept 2005 from breast cancer....it was a very fast growing cancer....they were both in their 80's and had a good life and I was so very fortunate to have them in my life for so long BUT.......It has been extremely hard on me...espeilcally losing my Mother. My Father had been gone mentally for so long, but my Mother and I were best friends....did all kinds of things together etc and it was pretty sudden.....I think she just gave up and missed my Dad so much she just left us. Hospice is wonderful and they will be there to support you all the way....and even after he's gone as you can see. I don't know where you are but here in Phoenix Arizona they have great sessions that you can keep on participating in and it sure helps to be surround by people that are in your same situation and don't think that you are crazy by the way that you are feeling......

Take advantage of all that Hospice offers.......it will not take the pain away ...but you will know that you are not alone.....And the great bunch on this site will not let you be alone either.....

My prayers are with you and your family

Funnyface

[shell]

Janice,

Welcome to this board. There are some wonderful people here who have helped me a lot. My dad also had lung cancer (very unexpected) and went to the hospital, stayed a week, came home and died three weeks later. It was such a shock and so sudden. My uncle (not his brother) died of exactly the same thing (again very unexpected!) a month and a half before my dad. If your dad is starting to not eat, I hate to say this, but it may happen sooner than you think. I only mention this because I agree with Kasey, that you might want to spend as much time with him as possible. And, yes, Hospice is a wonderful group of people who will be with you till the end and beyond. I think they are angels, I admire them so much. I don't think I could have made it through my dads death without them.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[Daddy's Girl]

Janice

I am glad you found this site and I hope it offers you some comfort. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My father passed in December, 2005. He was diagnosed with liver cancer and given a few months. He passed a week and a half later. Talk about quick.

This was a great website to look through and find support in. Although I do not also post my reactions to everything, I feel better reading the stories.

Good luck with everything and I wish you well.

Dayna

[Guest Robyn]

My name is Robyn. My mom passed away last month (March 28)and it was devastating. She had breast CA with bone and brain mets. She and I weren't close as I was growing up because I was raised by her parents, we were more like sisters. However, after her diagnosis ( Sept 04), I stepped in to become her caregiver. As she became more ill, we decided to do Hospice. I had used Hospice for my grandparents, so was very well-versed with their services and the whole Hospice experience. She came to live with me in December and I took time from work to care for her. We became very close, I learned things about my mom that I never knew. We laughed together, cried together, got mad with each other, made up with each other and loved each other. Although it was exhausting, and a finanical drain, I wouldn't trade the experience of caring for my mom for anything. Now is the hard part. I have panic/anxiety attacks, am exhausted, unmotivated and sad. I know that it will pass, but right now I feel overwhelmed. I glad I found this forum and reading other's experiences is very helpful.

[FUNNYFACE]

HI Everyone.....

I live in Phoenix Arizona and the HOV is offering a 6 week session called "Daughters without Mothers". I believe that the current class is full but they will be having others.

I lost my Father 3/05 after 15 yrs of Alzheimers and my Mom just passed away in Sept 05 fron breast cancer...I am a only child and was caregive to both of them....I didn't really have a chance to grieve my Dad ( I was Daddy's girl) because you have to put on a good face and be strong for your Mom......when she was dx with breast cancer and was in the hospital and hospice I didn't want to leave her side...my father died in his sleep all alone and I didn't want that to happen with her.....besides I am a nurse and I knew that no one could care for her like I thought they should......my husband is retired and she was like a Mom to him to so we took shifts at the Inpatient Hospice.....she died 1 hr after I had left but my husband was with her.....Even though I have a great husband and son and daughter-in-law I too feel alone....When anyone else I knew would die I would be right there johnny on the spot to bring food or anything else I could do for them or their family.....All my friends must have been on a mental vacation because not one person ( even the ones that I was there for) came around with support....oh they would say...if there is anything I can do....but did they attempt to do anything.....NO....I am sorry that I am just going off but this feels really good right now......

This is such a wonderful site......

Just wanted people to know about the classes....

Funnyface

I got so wrapped up in myself here and I forgot why I decided to post as it was....I just wanted to say that there are books, group sessions etc that can help us through this terrible journey....I have felt so much better after I went to the sessions that I have been too.....

Janice you said that you had a panick attack when you attempted to go to the group session....OK...try again...maybe this time you will be able to stay longer and keep trying....no one will judge you....everyone here is suffering and we are all in this together in a strange sort of way....it is good to read books etc...which I have done but there is something about interacting with people that understand how you feel because they feel the exact same way.....we need that kin ship....if it isn't from hospice..maybe a church group...even if you don't belong to that church....seek out somewhere where you feel safe....

Wish I could get us all together for a BIG GROUP HUG........We are all in this together.....

Love Funnyface

[Robyn]

I believe that the interaction of this group will be very beneficial to us all. Also, reading books will help too. I spoke to my hospice bereavement counselor and he suggested journaling as a means of coping. I kept a journal during my mom's illness and it helped me to process my thoughts, I don't know why I stopped after her death, but I think I'm going to start writing again.

Robyn

[Daddy's Girl]

Just to add:

I too live in Phoenix AZ and HOV is offering support groups around fathe's day as well. I believe they are offering the group on the Thursday before Father's Day. Sorry I don't have more info, I threw out the flyer.

The have also teamed up with Habitat for humanity to help build houses. Which I think is great.

Daddy's Girl

[FUNNYFACE]

Daddy's Girl....thanks for the info about the Fathers group...I hadn't heard about that one.......

Mother's Day will be a really rough day for me.....I am also a mother but right now I am only focusing on mine....I watched a show on PBS tonight that had all the music from South Pacific (the movie) and I remembered how my Mom and I went to the Vista Theater here in Phoenix and saw it.....she ran out and bought the record and realized that we did not have a stereo.....Dad bought her one and she was in heaven......cried during about half of the show..and I know that things will trigger thoughts and thoughts will trigger tears but I am doing better.

Love to all

Funnyface

[MartyT]

Daddy's Girl said, I too live in Phoenix AZ and HOV is offering support groups around father's day as well. I believe they are offering the group on the Thursday before Father's Day. Sorry I don't have more info, I threw out the flyer. They have also teamed up with Habitat for humanity to help build houses.

Funnyface said, I live in Phoenix Arizona and the HOV is offering a 6 week session called "Daughters without Mothers". I believe that the current class is full but they will be having others.

Thank you both for helping to spread the word about HOV's offerings here in the Valley. Make sure that you check our Calendar for dates, times and locations -- just go to the top of the board (where it says Help Search Members Calendar) and click on "Calendar" -- then jump to whatever month you're interested in. (To find the Habitat for Humanity, Mother's Day and Father's Day groups, for example, look at the months of April, May and June. Click on the title of the group on the date that it appears. The Habitat one is on April 29, and it's called "Grief in Action.")

[Ellyn]

Hello All,

Hospice is a wonderful thing. They allowed my mother dignity in death. She was at home in her own bed, as comfortable as she could be and surrounded by her family. Several of us were in the huge king size bed around her, including her puppies, and none of us ever thought about being anywhere else. Yes it was sad, but at the same time the most beautiful experience I have ever witnessed. I miss my mother and will forever. I went on with my life, you have to. But the grief was still there, even after 3 years. I recently cared for and had HOV for my mother-in-law, who just passed this last November, the day after Thanksgiving. It was after her death that all my postponed grief took hold. I recently attended the "Daughters without Mothers"

here in Phoenix and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. The HOV councelor was great and very helpful, as were the other attendees. I want to suggest to anyone out there, to use HOV services in whatever form fits into your life, but use them. I have found help in other areas of this online forum too. It is nice to know you are not the only one out there who has these feelings of overwhelming sadness. I wish all the best to all who are going thru this process called grief and hope you find your way, smoothly.

E

[moonbeam]

Hello,

I just found this site and it seems that there are a lot of people here going through the same thing that I am. My name is Paula and I lost my father 15 years ago to strokes and recently my mother to kidney failure. She had cancer about 12 years ago and the doctors took her bladder and 1 kidney. I have always told her that I would be more than happy to be tested to see if we were a match and give her one of mine. Because when the did the surgery the good kidney decieded that it didn't want to work right. It only worked at 50% after the surgery. She lived that way for many years but it just got to much and it started to shut done throwing her into congestive heart failure.

I got to be with her the last few days of her life. The last night she was alive I stayed with her at the hospital. I was holding her hand and running my fingers through her hair talking to her. She was talking to me about coming home. She always begged me to come back home. I told her that I would think about it really hard. I told her that she knew I would do anything for her. That was the last thing we talked about. She looked up and said "I am tired, I can't do this anymore. God please take me home." A few minutes later she was with God and no longer in pain.

Just writing this is hard for me. I want to cry every time I think of her. I was laying on our sofa this morning and I could hear her talking to me. I set up and looked around but no one was there.

As you can tell I am still a mess. I am looking forward to finding new friends that I can support and that will give me support.

Have a good day and an even better tomorrow.

May God Bless!!

[aineepooh1]

Hello Janice!

This is my very first visit to HOV and this chatroom ... but first of all let me extend my sincerest condolences, thoughts, and prayers to you during this extremely difficult time..my heart goes out to you and your family BIG HUGS TO YOU...

I lost my dad 3 weeks ago after 3 mos of multiple complications after heart sugery.. I noe understood how difficult it is to watch someone you love suffer, hurt, and be miserable.. it is almost an excrutiating experience.. again BIG HUGS TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY..

It is such an emotional rollercoaster to watch your loved one suffer and to feel so utterly helpless and frustrated at the same time. I don't know about your experiences but I have found medical personnell to be the kindest and cruelsest people throughout this whole experience.. my hope is that you have more good than bad... My thoughts are with you

[shell]

Paula, (I love the moonbeam),

I am so sorry for your recent loss, and your father. If you are looking for a place to find people to support and support you, this is it. This site helped me more than anything else. Glad you found it. Welcome.

Hugs,

Shell