Confused

[John R]

I chose this title for a topic, because I don't know where I am on the scale of grieving. I lost my love of my life on May 8, after almost 63 years of marriage. Initially I had what are probably "normal" reactions. I wanted her to go because she had suffered so much. Together we weathered her stroke at age 29 from birth control pills. After taking them for about a month, she went to the prescribing doctor, a Greek Civil service employee at a military base in Germany because she was spotting. She was told to "double up". Within a week she had a massive stroke. She was completely paralyzed on her right side and mute, but conscious. After weeks of speech, physical and occupational therapy, she sneezed one day at speech therapy. The therapist quickly said, "What do you say, Cindy? What do you say?" The therapist had told me earlier that they weren't sure what they were going to hear because she was also fluent in Germany and had studied French in high school. In response to the therapist's question, she said, "I love you, John".

She practiced saying that over and over until I came to visit later in the day. You can probably imagine the emotions involved.

She worked hard to regain the use of her right leg, but her right side above the waist was paralyzed and she had aphasia.

Our youngest of four children had been born 10 months earlier.

So, when I say she had suffered so much, I have to look at the time with pride because she never felt sorry for herself and met the future and conquered. 

Then, last Fall, she fell and broke her hip. Dementia became apparent, but it had been masked by the aphasia.

So, again, she was trying to learn to walk and although she made some initial progress, she was never again able to walk unaided until the end a few weeks ago.

I told her it was okay to go and that I would see her soon. I also added that the next time, she could be the guy and I'd learn some humility by wearing a skirt.

Later on the 9th, I was going to take a nap and I was in between conscious and falling asleep, when I was kissed. I can understand the skepticism of others upon hearing this, but I am convinced and want to believe it was her.

I started this story to say that the emotion seemed to be over and I felt okay and that confused me, but as I write, the tears come flooding back. Initially I thought I was strong enough to weather this, but I have since met with Pathway Grief Counseling. They were her in a hospice role for about a week before her death. I cannot believe I would have ben able to function without them. They were beyond outstanding.

As I draw this to a close, I guess I realize I am "normal" because it was so hard to write this. I was wondering why I had been clear of mind these past few days and I was wondering where I was. I know it will take a long time, but I'll make it, with the help of my children and their insistence that I needed a dog. I have rescued a nine year old German Shepherd, my favorite breed, and I must take care of her now.

So, that's my story. I don't believe in organized religion, so I cannot seek solace there. Perhaps just writing this will help.

[MartyT]

I hope so, dear John, and I thank you for sharing your story with us. You are among kindred spirits here, and we welcome you with open arms and caring hearts ❤️

[Margm]

John, I cannot imagine all the hurt and tragedy in your long marriage, one thing and then the next.  I wrote this forum three days after Billy "left."  I don't know how I found it,, I don't know how I had even the still shocked mind to understand what I was doing.  I do not remember going back and reading things.  I am not one of those people who write in a blog about my day to day feelings.  I tried that and  it was horrible.  I did rely a lot on Rose Kennedy's quote, and I trusted her because she had lost so much.  “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

In your partnership you took care of your wife and in mine, Billy took care of me from cancer and years later effects of the radiation.  We both knew I would go first.  I get so much anxiety and he was so laid back and patient and would have made a good nurse, and in another lifetime I think he would have.  Our daughter is/was a nurse.  I knew Billy, as slow and ambling, never getting in a hurry, that boy took only five weeks to leave me from the diagnosis.  

So, whatever you want to write, we have heard it all.  Heck, I have said it all (at least five times each post), but people are still tolerant of me.  We were married for 54 years (fixing to be 57) cause I consider us still married forever.  

Oh, and right after he left I went to sleep in the chair and I woke to him touching me or feeling he was close.  I looked down and he had on his khaki colored pants, tan shirt, did not see his face, but felt his lips on my forehead, then he was gone.  I've tried to get him to show me some sign since then but Billy was never superstitious, and the other day I got angry at him and God, Jesus and the whole family because I needed help but I guess they were all out fishing.  

 

[kayc]

Welcome here, John.  You are beginning your grief journey after a long arduous struggle, you and your wife having gone through so much together.  You're bound to have a myriad of emotions, but when I look back at those early days of my loss, it's a lot of fuzz...the shock protects us somewhat for a while, but I remember how terrified I was, anxious, scared, didn't see how I could live without him.  That was almost 13 years ago.  It helped tremendously when I found this place, early on.  Just knowing there's other people going through this that get it, it helps.  And I do think it cathartic to put what we're going through to words.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

I do think it cathartic to put what we're going through to words.

You are so right, Kay.  Letting thoughts swirl in our heads with no outlet can be almost dangerous.  As much as I sometimes hate writing here or talking to counselors, it forces me to try and put them into a form to express them, if not rationally, at least in a way that isn’t just my mind feeling I am going insane.  I also found I need to write them not for myself as in a journal.  We’ve been so abandoned, at least here someone will see them.

[Margm]

On 5/25/2018 at 12:40 PM, John R said:

I don't believe in organized religion, so I cannot seek solace there.

I keep waiting for my faith  to take hold again.  I believe and yet this week I got so angry at God and told him so.  In the hospice book left at my mom's, they say that getting angry with God was common.  My dad was a stern, unbending gentleman.  I was brought up in a Missionary Baptist Church that had fire and brimstone preaching that told of an angry God.  Then when I talked to my pastor after the cancer he said God was not a punishing God, but I believed and still believe he punishes me.  Maybe it was the cult image of a small church with my dad the main deacon and everything was off limits to me.  Maybe it was all the preaching I would be punished and I finally did something to be punished for and still believe I am being punished or he would have taken me first.  Now, non-religious people will think this is mish-mash and possibly it is to you but right now I have angry conversations with God.  Like I was afraid to have with my earthly father.  Billy knew of my "evil" side and he forgave me and did not believe I was still being punished.  You know, you can "raise up your children in the way they should go" and sometimes you train them too well.

[kevin]

John, your Cindy seemed like a very courageous Lady.......Hats off to you as a great Husband, you will meet again....Kevin

[MartyT]

Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand. ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
(As quoted in Religion and Spirituality in Grief) ❤️

[Margm]

OMGosh, could you have picked a more appropriate quote from my very most appropriate C.S. Lewis.  Thanks Marty.  And he was right, I don't understand, but you would have thought I would have.

I have saved his writings and of course have his book A Grief Observed.   I am going to print this out.  Thank you.  Not sure I am over my anger but I think "He" understands and as most bosses do and lions do not worry too much of the opinion of sheep (even if they go looking for the lost ones).

[MartyT]

I don't know if you ever watched this interview with Terri Daniel, Marg, but she has some insightful things to say about what many of us were taught about God and religion when we were kids: 

 

[Margm]

John R.  I am moving my post to our "going through hell" site because it is selfish of me to sabotage your grief.  I'm sorry.  I do understand long marriage and having to live what little life we have left without them.  I often see two long married people "going" together when life is over and I envy them.  I always thought  that was the way I wanted to go and I mentioned it to Billy not long before we knew he was ill.  His comment actually hurt my feelings some, but now I have to live it.  He said "the one left must stay."  Dammit, I'm staying but I sure ain't having any fun.